Being Amber

by Sylvia Ryan

  “Why don’t you stay for a while?” Noel asked.

  She glanced over her shoulder at the group on the bed. “I don’t really feel like…” She wrung her hands together.

  Matt didn’t wait for Jaci to finish. “Not this time, Noel.” Matt extended a hand to Jaci. When she took it, he pulled her out of the chair.

  She turned to say goodbye to the group. In the short minutes since she arrived at the apartment, the action on the bed had started heating up. Clothes were falling away and bodies were meshing, weaving together in a mass of skin on skin. She quickly turned back.

  “Thanks,” she said to Matt. “And thanks,” she said again to Noel as she reached for the bag. Matt held it outside her reach. “I’m going to walk you to where you’re staying.”

  “You don’t need to do that.”

  “I know, but I will anyway.” He took her hand in his. “Come on. Lead the way.” They walked together, hand in hand, to the elevator and Jaci pushed the up button.

  “In my experience, I’ve found that running away doesn’t solve problems, it only delays them.”

  She didn’t reply.

  “I’m sure your roommate is worried about you. At least let me com him and tell him you’re okay.”

  They stepped into the elevator together and Jaci pressed the button for the ninth floor. “No.”

  He sighed. “It will get better, Jaci. I promise it will.” He squeezed her hand.

  She looked up at the man standing shoulder to shoulder with her, holding her hand.

  “It can’t get much worse.” The elevator door opened to a deserted corridor. When she stopped in front of the apartment she’d been staying in, she turned to face him.

  “I understand you’re looking for some time alone.” He let go of her hand. “I’d like to check in on you tomorrow. If that’s all right with you.” He ran his hands down her arms and goose bumps raised from the light caress. “Sometimes being alone isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

  Jaci looked up at the sexy man with the full lips and brooding eyes. “If I get lonely, you’ll be the first to know.”

  He looked pleased. “I’ll peek my head in on you tomorrow. And next time you stop by, make sure you can stay a while.” He smiled at her, handed her the bag of food and clothes and hugged her hard before he turned toward the elevator.

  When Jaci opened the door, she realized she already thought of this apartment as hers.

  * * * *

  It was late the next night when Matt popped his head in the door and called out Jaci’s name. She sat in what was fast becoming “her spot” in the apartment, right underneath the window. When he walked into the total darkness, he whispered, “Jaci?”

  “Over here.”

  Matt’s shadowy figure moved closer and sat down next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her into him.

  And they sat there. He didn’t speak and neither did she.

  After sitting with him in the dark for so long that she was on the verge of sleep, she experienced an epiphany. That this man, this relative stranger, was willing to sit for hours on the hard floor, with his arm wrapped tight around her, explained everything about Amber with no words at all. Instinctually, she knew. Only a person who’d been where she was, struggling in quiet despair over something she couldn’t change, would know this was exactly what she needed. She had no doubt that someone did this for him when he needed it. With great pain came great compassion, and almost everybody in Amber showed compassion.

  Two more days passed with the silence and speed of a shooting star, one moment there and the next–gone forever. It amazed her how easy it was to spend a day inside her own head, fantasizing about what her life would have been like if Xander loved her instead of that other woman. Then, when she came back to herself in the bleak room, she mourned the loss of him all over again.

  Jaci sat on the floor under the window and watched the summer sunshine fade to twilight and the bright whites of the walls turn murky grey.

  This would be her third night of escape from Xander and Jordan. She had to report for work tomorrow morning, and they knew it. They would be waiting so they could continue following her. At least they didn’t have to pretend to be her friend anymore.

  There was still the unknown of why they were following her in the first place. But after mulling it over and over in her mind, Jaci decided she didn’t really give a shit. If someone was stalking fallows, she didn’t care. She didn’t care about much of anything anymore.

  The last few days had been productive. The disastrous mess she walked away from three days ago had slowly been thought through, laid out and decided upon. After the first twenty-four hours of wishing for things that could never be, she forced herself to put on a pair of reality glasses. She saw things the way they genuinely were now, not how others wanted her to see them.

  She wasn’t going back to live in building seventeen. She would stop there after work to pick up some clothes and toiletries, but she was not staying.

  She had been made a fool of, but she knew in her heart it wasn’t intentional on their part. She would be kidding herself if she said that was the reason she wasn’t going back. The truth was, it would hurt too much because Jaci had counted Jordan as a friend. And Xander, a friend and so much more. In the short time she’d been there, he was the one who truly healed her heart after the sterilization. When he touched her, she felt like she was whole, like there were no pieces of her missing anymore. She had fallen in love with him a little more every day with the hope that, someday, he would feel the same way about her. He never would.

  She accepted that now. But she wouldn’t survive having it rubbed in her face everyday. It was imperative she separate herself from him or she’d never be able to get over her compelling need to be with him, to seek comfort in his arms. He had been a Band-Aid on her heart and it was time to rip it off and heal the rest of the way on her own.

  The woman she saw Xander with was beautiful, exotic almost. Jaci couldn’t compete with that. She wanted to. She wanted so badly to be his, but…

  She shook her head and fisted her hands. She most definitely would not be able to stand by and watch him love someone else. That would be the final shove that pushed her over the edge.

  Yes, her fake friends made her feel like her life could be good here. It was a cruel hoax. Now that she had her head on straight, she realized she’d have to start from square one again. She had to put in the effort to rebuild her life. She’d already started making friends.

  Several times over the past few days Jaci wondered if Emily or Caroline were in on the big act. She didn’t think so. She could probably count both as friends, which was ironic, because it was no secret that the two women didn’t like one another much.

  Jaci hadn’t clicked with Caroline the way she clicked with Jordan and Emily. She appreciated everything Caroline did for her, but generally, she was not the type of woman Jaci would choose as a close friend. Truth was, Caroline had all the personality of a saltine cracker. She was all about the I’m going to take care of you, and not much else.

  She’d call Emily and probably Caroline, too. She didn’t feel up to it yet though. She still wanted to sit in her empty room and withdraw from life for a while longer.

  The emptiness was comforting. There was no chance of getting hurt.

  Chapter 12

  Jaci saw Xander and Rock in uniform and looking impatient when she finally arrived at work the next morning.

  “You’re coming down to the station with me. Now,” Xander said to her. His jaw was clenched and it seemed like he was barely keeping his anger in check.

  “Am I under arrest for something?” she asked sarcastically.

  “Yes.” Xander grabbed her wrists, wrenched them behind her back and cuffed her.

  Jaci whipped her head around and met his pissed-off glare. He grabbed her arm, guiding her toward the cart parked outside.

  “Let go of me,” Jaci said between her teeth.

  �
�No.” He stuffed her in the back of the cart while Rock got in the passenger seat. When they got to the end of Marietta Street, Xander ditched the cart, walked Jaci through a door in the gate that connected the buildings and into the waiting police cruiser outside of Circle City.

  “Xander,” she said more softly. “Let me go, I haven’t done anything wrong.”

  She got no reply.

  “Xander. Dammit, answer me.”

  Still nothing.

  When they arrived at Amber Zone Police Headquarters, Xander removed her from the back of the car and guided her inside. He led her to an empty room with painted white cement block, harsh, too bright lighting, and a table with two chairs.

  “I’ll be right outside,” Rock said to Xander as he left the room, closing the door behind him.

  “Let me go.” She shot him an acid glare she hoped would burn and eat at him like he was doused with drain cleaner. She was mad and she had to stay mad at him, or she’d never be strong enough to do this. It would also help immensely if he was angry at her too. Today, she wouldn’t be able to survive the nurturing, protective man she loved.

  Loved.

  She was a mere second away from tears when she turned away from him so he couldn’t see her face and headed for the door.

  With a long stride Xander pinned her between his body and the door. “No, you’re going to sit over there and listen to me.” His voice was low, dangerous and right next to her ear.

  With her hands still cuffed behind her back, the stray thought that they must be dangerously close to his cock while he was pinned up against her made an unscheduled and unwanted appearance in her mind.

  Then, as if he were psychic, he took a step back, grabbed her cuffs and led her into a chair. “You are going to listen to me.”

  “Why? You want to make excuses for the necessary lies? The sex that wasn’t sex? The woman in the hall?” she spat.

  Xander paced past her chair, eyes flaring, jaw muscle working, then stood silent for a long minute.

  “Where have you been?” he asked her calmly.

  “None of your fucking business,” she hissed back.

  “It is my business. I’m supposed to be protecting you.” He watched her as she took the time to inhale slowly, calming herself, and pulling it together before she spoke.

  “Protecting me?” She snorted. “You stupid ass.” She was calmer now, except for a slight quaver in her voice that betrayed the devastating explosion of feelings lurking beneath the surface. “You hurt me more than any psycho that’s out there. You pretended to be my friend, made me think I would be okay here. When I was at the most vulnerable and painful point in my entire life, you hurt me, Xander. You should have told me. You should have told me you have a girlfriend. You should have told me you and Jordan were nothing but my temporary bodyguards, not my friends.” She cleared her throat and looked down at the table in front of her. “You knew I was falling in love with you and you took advantage of that.” She waited for his response.

  “Me being your roommate is not temporary. It works like the designations, once you’re assigned, it’s final. At least until you get married…or die.” Jaci couldn’t hide her expression of surprise as he dropped that little nugget of information. “It’s done like that for a reason. It’s designed to be like built-in family. And, like real life, sometimes you like your family, sometimes you don’t. But you can’t change who they are. Just like you can’t change the fact you are assigned to me. It’s my job to care for you and you’re going to let me.”

  “Sounds like a lot of backward bullshit to me.”

  “Maybe. But this is where you live now and you’ll have to learn our ways and conform to them. This isn’t some arbitrary rule set up by the Gov. It’s done this way for a reason.”

  “Which is?”

  He sighed and sat down across from her at the table. “When human beings have no control and next to nothing of value in their lives, coping is,” he scowled, “a bitch. But it’s eased by close ties with other people, with family. The problem is, many of us in Circle City don’t have any. This is the next best thing.

  Women need to be nurtured. They need to be important to somebody. They need to be cherished and loved. And men need to have some control over their environment and their personal lives, they need the authority that comes with being a man. And since the Gov has taken all of that away from us, this arrangement gives some of it back. You, Jaci, are my number one priority, and other than my job, my only true responsibility. It was the same with Diana. Do you understand?”

  “Don’t bother yourself with me anymore. I can take care of myself.” She looked away from him so that he wouldn’t see any of the sadness she felt. “I’m not trying to be difficult. I just don’t think I’ll adjust well to Amber if I’m still living with you.”

  He stared icily at her. “You disappear without letting me know where you are again and there will be consequences.”

  “You can’t arrest me for staying somewhere else.”

  “No, but I will put you over my knee and spank you if I need to.”

  The thought of it heated Jaci’s cheeks. She ground her teeth together, trying to stay mad, trying to hate him.

  He walked around and gently unlocked her cuffs. “I was doing my job, sweetie. Same with Jordan. I wanted to tell you…” Xander fell silent. He had no acceptable excuse for how things played out.

  “Can I go now?”

  “Wouldn’t you like to know why we’re following you?

  Jaci shook her head. She wanted to defy him. She wanted to hurt him. “No. To be honest with you, I don’t really care.”

  He huffed in exasperation. “You are in danger. Someone is killing fallows.”

  She looked at him with true anger rising, resolute in her conviction. “I should be dead already. Maybe next time it will stick.”

  She gained a small measure of satisfaction at the expression of agitation and stunned silence that followed.

  He held out his hand and gave Jaci her ear bud. “Keep this with you at all times. Your coms are being monitored and you’re under surveillance. Don’t talk with anyone about this operation. Behave as if you don’t know we’re there. You also need to go back to living in building seventeen. If the offender can’t find you to make his move, we won’t be able to catch him.”

  “I wasn’t planning on living in building seventeen anymore.”

  Xander raised his eyebrows. “That’s not an option.”

  “Fine.” Jaci stood up and started heading toward the door. He reached over her head and slammed it closed as she opened it.

  “We’re not done.”

  Jaci felt Xander’s breath on the back of her neck. Her back skimmed his chest with every ragged inhale of air. She closed her eyes and just felt, wanting to remember the nuances of the moment. Wanting to remember everything right down to the smell of him. He stepped closer. She drowned in the exquisitely comforting sensation of his broad chest pressed up against her.

  “Our official business is done, but we’re not done, you and I,” he growled.

  She turned to meet his gaze.

  Without warning, a keen sadness replaced her anger. It was so hard to be furious with this man. Cupping his face with a soft touch, she leaned into him and kissed him tenderly. The light sweep of their lips felt bittersweet to Jaci and demolished any anger she had left.

  She turned back to face the door before she spoke again. “There is no you and I.” She whispered the words without turning to look at him, and then opened the door and left the room.

  Xander followed her without another word.

  Hovering near tears, Jaci distracted herself from the dismal atmosphere in the police cruiser on the ride back to Circle City. She listened to multiple coms from Caroline demanding to know what was going on. Jaci called her back.

  “Jaci, what the hell? Where have you been?”

  “No hi, what’s up? How are you?” Jaci teased.

  “Hi, what’s up? How are you? Where h
ave you been?”

  “I needed some time to sort things out.”

  “Let’s get together. Tonight?”

  “Um, tomorrow night would be better.”

  “Kay, I’ll be over between six and seven. We’ll do something fun and you can fill me in on what needed to be sorted out.”

  “Sounds good. Later.”

  Jaci touched her ear bud and disconnected the com as the solar cart pulled up to her work. She exited the back seat of the cart and didn’t glance back at the two men still sitting in the front. She felt their eyes on her, but she resisted looking back at them.

  Jordan was sitting in Chet’s office when Jaci got there. She tried to maintain a neutral expression when she walked in. As with Xander, she tried to stay mad. She didn’t want Jordan to know how hurt she felt.

  “Well, Jordan said you’d be back. I’m glad you are. I have another apartment that needs to be painted in building twenty-eight.” He handed Jaci the work order. “You probably still have enough time to get the majority of it finished today.”

  “Thanks, Chet,” Jaci took the work order, deliberately avoiding eye contact with Jordan and turned to exit the office. Jordan followed close behind. They loaded up their solar cart in conspicuous silence and rode together to building twenty-eight.

  As the two of them unloaded, Jaci heard someone call her name. She looked up to see Noel walking toward her, waving.

  “I thought that was you. You haven’t stopped by,” she said accusingly with an exaggerated frown face. “And Matt asks me every time he comes back to the apartment. I think he’s worried about you. We’re having another get together tonight. Please come. We could use another girl. Plus, you have to give me my clothes back,” she said, pointing to the clothes Jaci still wore.

  Jaci’s first instinct was to decline the invitation, but she stopped herself. She’d already decided during her three days of self-imposed solitude that she needed to make new friends. She never would if she didn’t put herself out there. And if sex became part of the equation, that was okay too. Ambers had a healthier point of view about sex than she did. Plus, it might ease the pain that smothered her when she thought about Xander. It was all win-win. “Sure, what time?”