Being Amber

by Sylvia Ryan

  “Anytime after eight would be good. I’m going to the commissary for alcohol now. I was thinking about making some fancy fruity drinks for us. You up for that?”

  “Count me in.”

  “Great.” She hugged Jaci. It was a sneak attack she hadn’t been ready for. Some things weren’t second nature to her yet. “Later,” Noel called as she turned to go.

  Jordan and Jaci arrived at the assigned apartment and prepared it for painting. Jaci still deliberately avoided Jordan, and she felt ridiculously high school, giving her the I’m-going-to-pretend-you’re-not-there routine. But she honestly didn’t have anything she wanted say to Jordan because frankly, “Were you ever my friend?” or “Did I ever mean more to you than being just a work assignment?” was way too pathetic.

  So, while she painted, Jaci concentrated on the get together she’d drop in on that night. Ever since the day Jordan took her around building seventeen for the first time, Jaci’s mind occasionally wandered back to the openness of their sexual culture.

  Intrigued from the start, she was positive she’d enjoy it. She needed it. Thinking about the sex brought up feelings within her, the need to be touched, to be loved, cared about. It would be easy to pretend the man who satisfied her body loved her, cared for her. That’s all she needed right now, the temporary illusion that she meant something to someone. Plus, pleasure, even for a few moments would be a blissful escape from her mind’s ruminations.

  Jaci smiled to herself. To be able to have sex whenever she felt the physical need was actually a major positive about the Amber Zone. It would be liberating to be able to openly satisfy herself without all of the complications and niceties that came with dating or the judgment that came with what they considered meaningless sex in the Sapphire Zone. Here, it wasn’t meaningless. It was a healthy way of life.

  Jaci was excited. A small butterfly of a feeling whirled in the center of her chest. It was anticipation.

  “I’m sorry,” Jordan said, interrupting Jaci’s thoughts and pulling her back into the moment.

  She didn‘t answer right away. She didn’t know what to say. The sticky strokes of the rollers laying down paint filled the cold silence between them. “Okay, thanks.”

  Jordan hesitated before speaking again. “I want us to be like we were before. It doesn’t have to be different. We were friends.”

  “No, I was a friend. You were a fake, a character you put on and took off when you needed to. You were a deception. That is not what friendships are based on,” Jaci said dryly.

  “Ow. Okay, I deserved that. But Jaci, you had so much going on when you first got here. We couldn’t add to that. I know, we should have told you at some point, but I think, after a while we knew it was too late and nobody wanted you to be mad at them. I love you, Jaci. You are my friend. I don’t want to lose that.”

  Jaci stayed silent. Her throat clamped shut. In even strokes, she rolled the fresh white paint over top of the old white paint. Silent tears rolled down her face. “You guys hurt me so much.”

  Jordan put down her roller and walked over to Jaci, wrapping her arms around her. “I know. I’m so sorry.”

  They hugged each other in the silence of the abandoned apartment for a long time.

  “Okay then, let’s get the rest of this done so we can get out of here,” Jaci finally said, straightening her spine.

  They spent the rest of the workday talking about the other fallow cases, and Jordan told Jaci exactly what happened the other night with Rock and Asher.

  Their friendship was repaired by the time they were done painting and had cleaned up.

  * * * *

  Jordan handed over the proverbial baton with a quick com to Xander. It was his shift to watch Jaci, and tonight he’d be on high alert. She was on her way up to the apartment and apparently, on her way back out again.

  When she got there, she gave him a quick glance and a mumbled, “Hi,” went to her dresser for clothes and then locked herself in the bathroom.

  After what he thought was an unnaturally long time, she entered the room looking stunning. Sexy. His eyes took in every detail. She wore her hair long, waving around her shoulders. Her beautiful brown eyes were accentuated and looked even deeper and more alluring than usual. Her strappy, almost see-through shirt left nothing to the imagination. He saw the subtle thong lines underneath the short, black, clinging skirt.

  “Are you following me tonight?”

  Xander swallowed hard. “Yeah.”

  “Okay, I’m going to a get together in building twenty-eight. How close are you going to be following me?”

  “Close enough to know you’re safe. What floor will you be on?”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “What floor?”

  “First.”

  “Take your com with you.”

  “Already done.”

  Jaci turned to leave, ignoring whether he followed her or not. He drove behind her in his own cart as she shot up Peachtree to the opposite side of Circle City.

  Xander parked his cart off to the side and called Brady as he watched Jaci walk into building twenty-eight. “What did you come up with?”

  “Luckily the name Jordan heard was unusual. Noel Cavanagh lives in apartment one fifteen. That will be to the right side of the building if you’re facing the front, fourth one from the end. It shouldn’t be too hard to find her specific apartment window from outside. Building twenty-eight has very few tenants.”

  Xander brought up his binoculars and scanned. “Found it already. Any links between this girl and any of the previous vics?”

  “None that I could find.”

  “Okay, keep me posted.” Xander cut his com link, sat back, and watched.

  He moved closer to the building as the sun set, welcoming the slight relief from the oppressive summer heat. For almost an hour, he sat in the balmy darkness of the outside courtyard. Inside Jaci was with a group of people, four men, two women. They were on the bed talking, laughing and drinking. The room was dark except for the light emanating from the video screen on the wall.

  He watched, viciously feeling the rift between them when she smiled at a man that wasn’t him.

  She was on her third glass of whatever it was they were pouring when one of the men inched closer to her. He stroked the hair falling in waves down her back. She lifted her chin and closed her eyes obviously enjoying the touch.

  Another man came around to the front of her, placing soft, slow kisses on her lips, her neck. Xander clenched his fists, at the dawning realization of exactly what kind of get-together this was becoming.

  The other woman and two men also started kissing, fondling. Clothes began to fall off all of them.

  “Oh fuck no,” he cursed between his teeth. He wasn’t expecting this. He wasn’t prepared to eyeball the scene unfolding in front of him. He was halfway to standing, ready to break up that party, when he forced himself to stop.

  He had no right to stop her. He closed his eyes and bowed his head.

  He’d done the same thing, finding comfort, trying to fulfill his needs with someone other than her.

  He knew she needed this. How long had she gone without touch? Since she disappeared three days ago? This would help her, comfort her, make her happy.

  He sat and watched the man in front of her reclined figure as he pulled the scant lacy piece of fabric away from her pussy. It was the last barrier between her bare skin and his mouth.

  She tensed for a moment, but then she closed her eyes and relaxed into their touch.

  Xander’s throat burned from the lump formed there. His heartache settled heavy in his chest. He desperately wanted to be that man. He wanted her to look at him with pleasure instead of the piercing glare she’d shot at him several times that day. Those eye daggers shredded him like shards of glass from a hot exploding bulb.

  He lowered his head. Misery fell like a shroud over him, so heavy it slumped his shoulders. She was moving on. That’s what he wanted, right? He wanted her to find happines
s with someone who wasn’t going to be a burden to her in a few years, someone who would be able to take care of her when she got sick.

  He glanced up. They all were completely naked now. The two men that attended to Jaci looked like they’ve played together before. One concentrated on top, nipples, lips and neck. The other concentrated on bottom, using his mouth and fingers.

  The scary thought, that Jaci may have gone looking for the pleasure and pain he’d given her, had him jerking his head up to look again more closely. No, this was just straight sex, none of the more intense games that he liked to play. There were no cuffs, spankings, or toys.

  As he watched the scene in front of him, feeling the most heart wrenching pain he’d ever experienced, he had an odd realization. She was the one. He was sure of it. Jaci was the one he would have married if things were different. She would have been a good wife for him.

  His pain rose to a whole new level as the muscles of his chest constricted. He wanted her. He wanted her body, her mind, her heart, all of it. God this was going to kill him.

  Jaci’s back arched, and Xander watched her face as she came. Her eyes were closed, and her mouth opened slightly. Her skin glowed hot and moist. Her painted nails dug into the shoulders of the man running his tongue over her breasts, her neck, her lips.

  The man between her legs still worked her, worked every last drop of her orgasm from her before he rolled her over, hitched her ass up in the air and penetrated her.

  The other knelt in front of her. She eagerly raised the top part of her body so she was on her hands and knees, and then she took him deep into her mouth.

  Xander let out a groan. He wanted her to be happy.

  He wanted her to feel better, but he was in agony.

  He shook his head in defeat. Love was supposed to make a person feel good, not tortured.

  Chapter 13

  “Come on, I’ll drive you home,” Xander said tenderly as he drew near to her. He held a hand out in her direction. For a moment it looked like she was going to tell him to go fuck himself. But as he predicted, two hours of sex tamed her. She wasn’t mad anymore.

  “Was that your first time?” He asked her as he drove south toward building seventeen. “With multiple men, I mean.”

  Her head swung around, eyes round. A slight blush crept over the delicate contours of her cheeks. “How did you know?”

  “I had a pretty good view through the window…for the first hour anyways, then I moved to the entrance of the building.”

  She was silent.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  Jaci released a deep breath. “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t even want to think about it. I finally feel a little normal after four days of feeling like crap. Leave it. Just leave it, for now.”

  He felt grim as his gaze roamed over her, assessing her body language. It screamed tired and defeated. “Okay. For now.”

  Their ride in the elevator continued the silence and when they entered the apartment, Jaci went straight to the bathroom and took a shower.

  Xander stripped to his boxers and crawled between the sheets. He couldn’t wait to be next to her again, to feel normal again.

  She exited in a towel and a cloud of steam as she flicked the bathroom light off and walked over to her dresser. She grabbed a big t-shirt, threw it on over her head and let the towel fall to the floor.

  A sigh floated to his ears as she spread out on her side of the bed. Xander smiled to himself. It sounded like she was glad to be home. He reached over and caught her by the waist and pulled her into him. He curled around her, but he didn’t sleep. It seemed he couldn’t sleep without her, and now he couldn’t sleep with her.

  His mind buzzed. Stray thoughts of Jaci with those men hung on like a case of the flu. The surge of greedy possessiveness turned his stomach and neutralized the peaceful serenity he should have felt as Jaci melted into him.

  * * * *

  Jaci opened her eyes in the middle of the night. Shifting slightly, she glanced over at Xander and was startled to find him looking right back at her.

  “Hi,” he whispered.

  “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

  With a beats-the-hell-out-of-me expression on his face, he shrugged his shoulders.

  Jaci took a moment to look at him, to really see him. He looked worn, diminished in some way, but he tried hard not to show it.

  “Okay, so let’s get it over with,” she said, sitting up.

  “What?”

  “Cut the crap, Xander. You know what.”

  “The woman?”

  Jaci rolled her eyes. “Yes, the woman. And, what’s between us.”

  “The woman you saw me with was my sister, Gwen. I’ve told you about her.”

  Jaci was stunned into a long silence. Her three days of planning on how to handle what was between them went up in smoke. “Not a girlfriend?”

  “No.”

  She studied his face. He gave her nothing more. “I thought she was a girlfriend.”

  “I know.”

  “And what’s between us?” That uplifting twinge of hope appeared again in the depths of her chest.

  “I explained that to you at the police station.”

  She looked at him trying to decipher any hidden meanings through his expression or body language. He looked as depressed as she felt. There was still something wrong. His joy seemed to have been sucked out of him. Just a shell that resembled the old Xander remained. She pegged him with a speculative stare. “I think it’s time for both of us to be honest with the other person.”

  He nodded. “I agree.” He closed his eyes for a moment and swallowed hard. “I know you have feelings for me, and believe me when I say, I’m having a hard time keeping my feelings for you in check. But we need to get past this, sweetie. I don’t plan on ever falling in love or getting married. It was a decision I made a long time ago, before I ever met you. It’s the right thing to do, for me–for both of us. We have to put whatever this is…” He motioned between the two of them. “We have to put it behind us.”

  With that one sentence, the stupid fucking optimism she tried so hard to not to have, crumbled. She sat surrounded by the remnants once again. The want and desire that once made up that lighthearted feeling of hope shattered into tiny pieces. She looked away from him so he wouldn’t see the crushing disappointment she felt. So quickly the tables turned. Now, it was her that was a shell of her old self.

  Xander placed his hands on her shoulders and looked directly into her eyes. “And please don’t think the way I feel has anything to do with a shortcoming you have. It’s all me. I’m the one with the flaw, not you. I am the one,” he said, touching his own chest.

  “I don’t understand. Why are you doing this?” Jaci asked softly.

  “I know this will sound like a cop out, but it’s personal.” He paused. “Maybe someday I’ll share it with you, but not now.”

  Jaci’s eyes filled with unshed tears. “I don’t want anybody else. I want you.”

  Xander shook his head. “We’ll walk our paths together until you don’t need me anymore. Someday you’ll find a man who will love you with every cell in his body and take care of you when you need it the most. That’s what you deserve, sweetie.”

  “It’s because I’m a fallow.” Her head hung low, and tears flowed freely down her cheeks, falling onto the t-shirt she wore.

  Xander’s face turned dark. “No. And I don’t want you to ever think that again.” The anger in his voice was apparent.

  Jaci’s protective barriers crumbled as she sobbed openly, grieving the loss of something she never had.

  She was a mangled mess of negative feelings. The last week had been more emotionally painful than the first few days after her operation and placement in the Amber Zone. But, without the subtle kindling of sexual tension, without the daily unfettered fantasy of his body on top of her, inside of her, without the hope Xander would love her someday, the hurdle of adjusting to Amber seemed too large.

&nb
sp; She was going backward.

  Losing ground.

  Losing her mind.

  Losing her will to make an effort toward having a normal life in Amber.

  Xander pulled her to him, cradling her head on his chest.

  “I’m not sure I can do this. Every part of my heart hurts every minute of every day.”

  “You’re not alone in this, Jaci. I’m here. I’ll always be here.” His chest rumbled underneath her ear. “I’ll take good care of you. I promise. And I want you to promise me no more running and honesty between us from now on, Okay?”

  She nodded, her head tucked firmly against his chest. “Xander?” she whispered.

  “What, sweetie?”

  “I need what you did to make all the hurt go away last time. I need that place that wiped away all the pain. Please.” Her voice cracked. “Please do it again. I need the respite. I need a place to hide from all this, even if it’s only for a while.” She waited with her eyes closed and her head tucked against his chest. Hope and anticipation exploded with a flourish in her chest again.

  “No, sweetie. I think that’s what got us into this mess in the first place. It’s too sexual. I don’t think either one of us can handle that right now.”

  She freed the breath of air she’d been holding and slumped with defeat. “I’m not sure I’m going to survive this place,” she whispered so softly he’d probably not even heard her. Jaci attempted to steel herself and pulled away. She smiled at Xander in what must have been the lamest attempt at looking okay that anyone ever tried. “I guess that’s that then.” She got up from the bed and walked to the bathroom closing the door gently behind her. She put the stopper in the tub, turned on the water and sat at the edge, knowing that she used this bath as a way to escape, because she’d been in the shower a few hours ago. Her feet slowly submerged as she sat on the side of the cool white tub.

  Idiot.

  She just had to love someone determined not to love her back.