by Alice Shaw
“You’re complaining. You know what that means,” I said, rolling my eyes. Riley had been going on like this for a full day now, and it was starting to get on my nerves. He looked at me, pouting.
“It means that I’m right,” Riley said. “And that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.”
I snorted with laughter. He was sad, but this was starting to turn comical. “Nope. It means that you’re giving up,” I said. “Do you know why I even stayed here when we first met?”
“Because I’m hot. Not to mention, you were in heat and in a bind. Now, your heat is starting to wear off, and you’re feeling less attracted to me,” Riley said.
I ignored his hardly amusing mumblings, and I continued to speak. “I stayed here because you were inspiring. The way your eyes lit up when you spoke about your dreams… God. It was so refreshing to see someone go after something, for once in his life. No one does that anymore, Riley. No one,” I said.
Before he could speak and say something absolutely dreadful and depressing, I held up my hand to silence him.
“Most people wake up every single morning, depressed and confused. They make a cup of coffee, drive to work, and sit inside a tiny little cubicle. Every single day, they do this. But you, you’re going after this dream of yours. This insane dream—you’re really trying it. Sure, it’s a long shot. Not everyone can just make it out of thin air. But you have a gift. I’ve tasted your food. It’s amazing.”
Riley had avoided eye contact with me until I stopped speaking. Slumped in his chair, fist against his chin while pushing his cheek up to the side, his left eye glanced upward at me. A smile began to form on his handsome face.
“Dammit. Now, you’re inspiring me. Can’t I just stay depressed forever?” he asked.
“No,” I said, taking his hand. “You’re getting off this couch and teaching me some more recipes. We have to keep the momentum going.”
He stood up slowly and stretched his arms. They landed around my body. “Well, I do have some recipes that I’ve been saving for a rainy day,” he said.
“Yeah? Why don’t you show me some,” I said, smacking his butt.
Riley walked over to his small kitchen and grabbed a big, white book. The cover had faded, causing it to have a slight dirt pigmentation. On the front, he had written the words: “Dream big.”
I leaned in behind him to get a better look, hand caressing up his shoulder. “You’ve never shown me this book,” I said.
Riley stared at it with strong nostalgia. Then, he shrugged. “This was supposed to be my secret weapon,” he said. “But now, I just make what people ask for. Breakfast food. Tacos. The norm. The food in this recipe book should be served in a nice place, not my broken down food truck.”
“Says who?” I asked. “Riley, you could be the only one in the world to serve gourmet food out of a food truck.”
Riley laughed, but I wasn’t joking. It was a good idea. When he saw that I wasn’t laughing with him, he turned more serious. “I’d need more people, more resources, and more eyeballs on our location. I don’t think it’s possible, Holden. I want to believe, but I just really don’t see it happening.”
“We have to stop saying someday and start saying today,” I said. …for the baby.
My eyes kept searching him, trying to pick apart every movement he made. But he was like a statue, cold and distant. After I said that, I wished I hadn’t spoke at all. It felt like I’d never know his real thoughts, and it broke me down more than I lifted up his stupid dream.
“You’re right,” he said. “Today.”
Riley combed through the pages of his recipe book. I imagined him writing down those recipes on lonely nights, years before I even met him. It was an isolated image, but it was still inspiring.
“I have this really good pho recipe. When I lived in Texas, there was this amazing man from Vietnam. He’d make the best Pho soup I had ever tasted. All the guys loved it. He gave me all his recipes,” he said, eyes starting to sparkle again.
“When did you go to Texas? And who are the other guys?” I asked. His eyes shifted back to the book of recipes. “Riley?”
“I went there after high school for a little bit. For a year,” he said.
He flipped through some more of the pages and nearly laughed out loud with joy. “And this one. My god. Best tortellini recipe in the world, honestly. Delicious noodles drenched in chicken broth, served with handmade pieces of bread. So simple, but more tasty than anything in the world.”
“I want you to cook me all of these recipes,” I said, fondly. “And then, I can tell you which ones you should serve.”
But Riley couldn’t see past the obvious hurdles of his business. “Yeah, but don’t you see the problem? The preparation on this would take ages,” Riley said.
“If they can make this in some small shack somewhere in the countryside of Italy, you can make it here. You’ll do the prep work right in this kitchen. And I’ll help you,” I said.
“I like it when you help me,” Riley said, while gazing into my eyes.
“C’mon.” I laughed. “I’m serious.”
Finally, Riley loosened up. “Hey, I am too. I’m sorry I haven’t been fully here today,” he said.
“It’s okay,” I said. I was trying not to reveal my inner hurt. Maybe I was overreacting a little bit, but he definitely felt distant.
“My head has been in the clouds. I feel like an asshole,” Riley said. Then, he turned and took me into his arms. I felt myself collapse against him, hoping that he’d keep saying the things I wanted to hear.
“I need to be there for you,” he said. He sighed and kissed my neck, tenderly. “Look, we can worry about all of this another time. Right now, I want to spend some time with you.”
“It’s okay, Riley. That’s all I ever wanted to hear. I don’t want to feel like I made a mistake with this decision of staying,” I said.
“So you’re staying?” Riley asked.
“Well, I thought that I might,” I whispered.
“Then, I’m here for you,” he said.
I smiled and threw my arms around his neck, kissing his handsome lips. I loved the way he smelled, the way he tasted, and at that moment, I felt a powerful relief enter my body.
“How about we kill two birds with one stone. Let’s make that pasta. You can teach me,” I said, sitting down on the stool next to him.
“Really? It might take hours,” he said. “We could just do it another time. It’s a nice night outside.”
“No. This is what I want to do tonight. I want to be near my man while I learn a new recipe,” I said, proudly.
Riley kissed the top of my head, breathing in my scent. “I’ll go get the flour!” he exclaimed.
He came back with the flour, eggs, and an old blender. “Okay. You watching?” he asked. I nodded. “Preggo. First, we have to add the right amount of flour, like so. Two cups.”
“Two cups,” I repeated.
Riley smiled and started cracking eggs. “Then, you got your eggs. Oh, shit. Can you hand me the—”
“Olive oil?” I asked. I jumped up and reached into the cupboard.
“How’d you know?” I asked him.
“I’ve watched a few cooking shows in my time. Don’t forget to turn on the blender,” I said.
Riley flipped on the switch, looking at me very strangely. “You’re a natural at this,” he said.
“I pick up things fast. We’re a good team, Riley,” I said.
“We are a good team, aren’t we?” Riley smiled.
We spent the rest of the night making food, playing loud music, and throwing flour on each other. For once, we could take a moment to relax and have some fun. Kissing endlessly, I held him in my arms. I never wanted this to end. Never.
After eating the delicious pasta that we had made completely from scratch, I wanted to show him the sign I painted. I was nervous, but I was pretty sure he’d love it. “I want to grab something, real quick,” I said.
“What is it?”
Riley asked, sucking up the last bits of tortellini. “Some more wine?”
“Better,” I said. “One second.”
I ran into his room and opened the closet door where I managed to hide it behind his jackets. “Close your eyes!” I yelled out, smiling.
“Okay, they’re closed,” he said.
I pulled out the metal sign and carefully carried it back into the cramped kitchen. I positioned it in front of my body and said, “Okay, you can open them!”
Riley opened his eyes and nearly fell to the floor with astonishment. “No. How? Wait. You didn’t…”
“I did. I got out the paint while you were sleeping these past few nights. I had to go outside and set up the high beams,” I said, proudly. “So, what do you think?”
Riley walked up to the sign and knelt down. “I can’t believe you did this. You’re incredible, Holden. Gastro Gourmet. I love that name,” he cooed.
On the side of the sign, I decaled a woman holding a martini and winking. She was wearing a gorgeous peacock style dress and head scarf. “I mimicked the design after an advertisement from the 1920’s,” I said.
“It’s elegant and classy, but it’s also fun.” Riley stood up and walked toward me. He cradled me in his arms and kissed me tenderly. “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m serious about that,” he said.
“I hope so,” I whispered. “Because I’m very fond of you, mister. I’d do just about anything for you if you asked.”
“Come. Let’s go to bed and dream sweet dreams about you and I,” he said, taking my hand.
“Deal,” I said, kissing his bicep.
But as the night grew on, I knew what had to happen next. That damn pregnancy test. I had to know the results. It just felt impossible to sneak away.
I stayed up for hours that night. I just stared at the dark ceiling, thinking about what could be. If I were pregnant, maybe it would turn out to be a good thing. It was possible we could have a happy family, complete with a house and car, and maybe a nice backyard.
Riley could have the restaurant, and I could stay home with the kids. I had always dreamt of that type of life. I bathed in the idea of going to dance recitals, school plays, and PTA meetings. I never had that kind of life, but I saw it in the movies. I knew it was out there, but I just had to find the right alpha.
I turned over and looked at Riley’s sweet face. He was snoring loudly, but he bore a big, dopey grin. Slow and easy, I slipped out of bed. I tip-toed as best I could toward the bathroom, and I shut the door.
“Okay, just breathe, Holden,” I whispered to myself.
It was so hard for me to let go of control, and my body was reacting to the stress. I glanced in the mirror and looked at my face. Red sores of psoriasis were starting to show up. My hands were shaking uncontrollably. All I wanted to do was turn back and head home, but the truth was that I loved him. Fuck, I actually somehow felt like I loved Riley.
“Dammit!” I sighed and slumped down to the toilet. I began to count down from five. “Five… four… three… two… one…”
You have to do this. I nodded my head, placing my head in my hands. There was no escaping reality. We made this choice. It was our decision. Now, we had to follow through.
Shaking still, I held the test in my hand. I pulled my jeans down and squatted. I could barely even pee, but I got enough out for the test. I waited anxiously for the results to form.
The soul crushing weight every omega feels... It’s fucking hell. Minutes passed, but they felt like hours. The whole time I waited, I didn’t blink once.
Eyes fixed on the test, I finally saw the image form. And just when I thought I was safe, I saw the death cross. This was it, the answer I had been waiting for. My life was going to change forever.
Would it be good? I had no idea. If Riley came through on his word, it would be. But if he didn’t, I didn’t know what I would do.
I started to cry. Silent tears poured from my eyes as I held onto my chest for minor comfort. It felt like I had been shot or stabbed. The air was so hard to breathe through my closed throat. I made no sound, but I desperately wanted to scream.
What I really wanted was for Riley to hold me. I needed him to tell me everything would be okay, that we were making the right decision together. But I didn’t say a damn thing.
“It’ll be okay,” I thought. “Tomorrow. I’ll just tell him tomorrow, and we’ll figure out a plan.”
But tomorrow felt too far away. And when I got back to bed, I couldn’t fall asleep. Life had just turned very real.
Chapter Ten
Riley
“Hey babe,” I said as I opened my eyes. “Good morning.” I wrapped my arms around Holden, but he slightly trembled away from me, groaning with his eyes closed.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked, sitting up. I tried to tickle his side, but that just made him more pissed off. “Holden? You there?” Shit, what the hell did I do?
Maybe it was an omega thing. That would make some sense. Sometimes, an omega’s heat can make you a little irritable. At least, that’s what they told me. I was an alpha, but that didn’t mean I knew shit about the science.
“I just want to sleep in today,” Holden whispered. “Can’t I just have one thing?”
I backed off. Whatever was going on with him wasn’t good, and I knew if I pressed the situation, it would turn into a crying fest. “Sure. I’m sorry for bugging you. Go back to sleep, babe,” I whispered, soothingly.
Holden cocked his head back at me and forced his eyes open. “Can you stop calling me that?” he asked. He closed his eyes again, but I knew he wasn’t sleeping.
“Fine. Whatever you want, princess,” I mumbled. It was a poor choice of words, but I couldn’t understand why he was acting like this.
We had a great night last night. We cooked pasta, listened to some really good tunes, and ate a delicious meal. What the hell was his deal?
“Don’t you mock me,” Holden said.
I put my hands in front of me and took a deep breath. “Look, whatever is going on… this is your issue. There’s no need to turn this into a fight.”
Holden was trying to find the words, but they weren’t coming out right. I could tell that he had more to say, but he was holding back. With some time, he might feel more comfortable. He’d tell me what was on his mind.
“I’m going to the food truck,” I said. “And then, later, I’m going out with Jared to discuss some things. He said he might want to invest in this Gastro Gourmet idea. Your idea, Holden. You should be there with me.”
Holden remained unresponsive, so I didn’t stick around too long. I started to walk out of the room until I heard him shuffle on the bed.
“I just have a lot on my mind,” he said. I froze. I had a feeling I knew what he meant.
“Yeah? Like what?” I asked.
“We’ll talk later, okay? I’m sorry I can’t be there tonight, Riley. But I know that it will be great. I’m rooting for you,” Holden said.
I hated being stuck in suspense like this, but there was nothing I could do to persuade him to open up. I walked back to the bed, feeling my heart ache for him.
Holden was truly the only one I had on my side. He even stuck it out in this piece of shit trailer with me. At the end of the day, it was really hard to believe.
I kissed his head, breathing in his lingering scent. I closed my eyes and imagined the best possible outcome together. A life. A real life where we didn’t have to worry anymore. “I’ll see you tonight,” I whispered. “Get some rest. I’m sure you need it.”
“Thanks,” Holden replied before closing his eyes again.
I walked out of the trailer, feeling my steps shake the whole surface. I hated living like this, but I could deal with it. It was more depressing to realize that my boyfriend had to endure the whole thing with me because of my bad life choices.
Those are the kinds of things that make you feel like piece of shit. I didn’t deserve much. At the end of the day, I had to liv
e with my shady past. I was a troubled person, and that trouble would always linger.
And Holden… Dammit. He was the most empathetic guy I knew. Why should he have to suffer because of me?
The whole day at work was a hell storm. Somehow, word had spread about Gastro Gourmet. People were really finding out about us. Holden had made that beautiful sign for me, and he had stuck flyers everywhere he could on the other side of the bay. The only problem was that the new customers wanted food that we just weren’t prepared to make yet. If we didn’t start taking this business seriously, we wouldn’t be able to survive another month here.
I needed Holden with me. We were a team. Whatever was going on with him was ruining my mental state. During the day, I couldn’t think. I could barely work. Was he pregnant? Was I really about to become a father?
I knew it was possible. He was in heat, and I knotted up pretty good inside of him. We dove right into the center of our passions that night. If he was pregnant, I had to be there for him.
At Jared’s bar, I sipped on my ice-cold beer. I held my head in my hands and sighed. “What am I going to do, Jared? I can barely raise myself. I feel like such a disappointment,” I said.
Jared laughed and shrugged. He grabbed his soda and drank it calmly. He was always so nonchalant about family stuff. That was just his demeanor. It made me jealous. I wished I could put out the past and act like him, but I just couldn’t do it. There was too much hurt there. I never found forgiveness from the people I let down.
“Laura and I have been married for ten years now. We had Sammy four years ago. Don’t worry so much. You’re being too hard on yourself,” he said.
“Jared, you don’t understand. All I’ve ever done is let people down. I’m sick of being me. It hurts walking into my trailer, you know? I didn’t wish for this life. My parents raised me better,” I said. “I just keep screwing up.”
“You’ll figure it out. You and Holden. You have a responsibility now. So own it. Run with it. Be an example to that child,” Jared said.
“I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror last night,” I said. “It doesn’t seem like it’s getting any better. But sometimes, I see that glimmer, that vibrant shine. It bothers me that some of my darkness always be there.”