by Alice Shaw
Jared put out his hand and tapped my shoulder. “I was a hardcore junkie for six years. You don’t think I’ve done some bad shit in my life? You don’t think I see that same darkness inside myself? Join the fucking club, brother. It’s there. But the more you face it, the more able you are to fight it,” Jared said.
“I know you’ve been through a lot too. I’m just glad I can call you a friend,” I said.
I took his words to heart. I’d set things right tonight. I would make sure Holden knew that I’d always be there for him.
“Look, you’re going through a lot right now. I want to talk to you about business, but let’s just put this aside for now. We can figure out things once you work it out with Holden,” Jared said.
“That sounds good,” I said. “Thanks for talking to me, even though this isn’t what you came here for.” I finished the rest of my beer. The carbonation bubbled against the back of my throat.
“No worries, man. I’m always here if you need it. I don’t know Holden that well, but he seems like a good guy. You guys fit together. You’re a team,” he said.
I smiled, thinking about the night before. It was so much fun cooking with him. Holden really did have a heart of gold. “We are a team,” I said, confidently.
I said goodbye and walked out of the bar. On the drive home, I turned my favorite Neil Young song up as loud as I could. I screamed the words, “Keep me searchin’ for a heart of gold!”
Everything was going to turn out just fine. I felt it now. I was going to rush inside that trailer, kiss him, and make it all right.
I parked the car. I felt absolutely sure of myself. But when I stepped out onto the dirt, a cold sensation ran through my body. “Wait,” I thought. “I can’t do this.”
Holden already saw one bad side of me. He saw how poor I was. My trailer was barely still standing. And being sent to prison for armed robbery and attempted assault was a whole different thing. I wasn’t sure he’d accept me.
I wasn’t just a screw up. I was a violent criminal. I held a nine millimeter pistol in my hand that night. If other people couldn’t forgive someone for doing that, how could Holden? How could he trust a vicious person to raise a child?
He was going to hate me, and I knew it. Seconds later, I walked inside my trailer with a frown on my face, expecting the worst.
When I stepped inside, the lights were dim. Holden was sitting on the couch with his bags packed. I immediately felt the hurt rise up into my throat, and I felt backed into a corner.
“What’s going on? I thought we were going to talk. Why are your bags packed?” I asked.
“I want you to tell me the truth, Riley,” he said.
“About what?” I asked. But I knew exactly what he was asking about. My past. My jail time. The guys in Texas. All of it.
“Look, this wasn’t just some summer fling,” Holden said, revealing the hurt in his eyes. “This was real to me. This was… love. Why can’t you just be honest with me?”
I walked up to him and took his hand. “It’s love for me too,” I whispered. But I still couldn’t form the words to tell him about who I was. Even with Jared’s talk lingering in the back of my head, I felt embarrassed and weak.
I felt like he couldn’t love me if he knew the truth.
“Stop avoiding the question. If you love me you’ll tell me what Brady was talking about,” he said. I sat there like a damn fool, hesitating on the right words to say.
“You know what? Fuck it. If you don’t tell me what you’re hiding, I can’t stay here any longer. I’ll go back home to the family, and you won’t see me again. Is that what you really want?” Holden asked me.
Tears were starting to form in my eyes, but I couldn’t let him see me break down like this. I took in a deep breath, feeling the harsh stinging, and emotional pain rise up into my chest. “Then, just leave,” I said. “If you’re going to tell me you’re willing to throw this all away, just do it already.”
I felt myself shrink into the floor. The guy I once was had come back out and taken control of me. I was a mess of dark emotions I could no longer suppress. I didn’t mean what I said, but the words came out nonetheless.
I thought of my parents, and how they abandoned me. I thought of all my friends from school who never visited me in jail. I thought of my uncle who led me to forge this awful path in life. Everything negative in the world seemed to mold into my heart.
“Wow,” Holden whispered, nodding his head like a broken machine. “Okay. I see how it is now. You’ve made up your mind.”
I stood up, tears abruptly leaking down my face. “Holden, no. Wait,” I said.
Holden’s lips trembled. I ran to kiss him, to throw my arms around him like usual. We could work this out. Everything could be okay.
But Holden turned around before I could reach out to him. He swung the door open. “Wait!” I cried out. “I didn’t mean it. All of that was bullshit.”
“I don’t care anymore, Riley. This is goodbye.” Suddenly, everything seemed to be falling apart. I felt the panic take over me.
Holden ran to his truck, and I chased after him, stumbling on the way out. I fell on my porch, landing directly on my kneecaps. I didn’t feel the throbbing pain that I’d feel later, but it debilitated me from reaching him. Before he stepped into his truck, he stared at me from the crease of the open door.
“I’m pregnant,” he said. “Let that eat into your conscience, asshole.”
It completely broke me. Holden started his truck and drove in the opposite direction. All of our hopes and dreams had turned into one big cloud of dust. There was no “us” anymore. There was just me, Riley, the piece of shit ex-con with his food truck.
“What have I done?” I cried, falling into myself.
I struggled to pull myself back onto my feet, but I fell over within seconds. Finally, I dragged myself inside. I fell onto my bed. I screamed in pain. I found myself hyperventilating into my palms.
It was over. Our love was a burning train wreck. All of this was my fault, and I had to live with that for the rest of my life. In one moment, I became my own worst enemy.
Chapter Eleven
Holden
Tears of anger and hurt fell toward the floor, touching the edges of my lips. I furiously drove at a hundred miles per hour, maxing out my truck’s old engine. “Asshole!” I screamed, pounding against the steering wheel. “Liar!”
I yelled just about every curse word in the book. I was heart broken. Riley was supposed to be different from the rest of the guys. He made it seem like we were in this together. But in the end, he was just another stupid child who couldn’t face himself.
I didn’t care what he did in the past. It wasn’t about that. The fact that he was okay with lying to me hurt more than anything else. I was going back home to my family. This was it. We were done.
I was pregnant. Fuck. What was I going to do now?
I did the first thing I thought I could do. I grabbed that cell phone that Riley gave me. I pulled over on the side of the road. Hands shaking, I dialed my brother’s number. It rang five times before he picked up the phone.
“This is Andy.” His gruff voice echoed into my ear. I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t want to do this, but if I didn’t, I would have nowhere to go.
“Andy. It’s, uh… it’s Holden,” I said, still crying. I sounded like a complete wreck.
“Holden? What number is this? Mom and dad have been trying to find you. Where the hell have you been?” my brother asked.
“It doesn’t matter. All you need to know is that I’m coming back,” I said.
Andy lowered his voice. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” he said. “Mom and dad are pretty pissed off. You woke up and left without any warning. It really hurt the business. They had to sell Sonny to offset some of the costs.”
My stomach sank even further. No. “Sonny? My…”
“Yeah… I’m sorry, Holden,” Andy said. He actually sounded like he gave a shit. Even thoug
h he was an asshole most of the time, he knew how much I loved that horse.
“He was everything to me,” I whispered, sobbing into my hands. I couldn’t believe it. My actions led my parents to sell that beautiful animal. He was connected to me. He was the last comforting being I had. It was as if a piece of me had been cut off forever.
“I know he was your favorite. But it’ll be okay. You’ll get another one,” he said.
Another one? Was he serious? Was everyone in the world against me? I lost Riley. I lost Sonny. My parents didn’t even want me home anymore. I didn’t know what to do.
“Andy, I can’t live without him,” I said. The tears were uncontrollable at this point.
Andy sighed. He always sighed when he heard me crying too much. He used to tell me that it affected people too much, that I had to push my emotions down and become a stronger person. Maybe he was right, but this time, I was going through a lot. If only he knew I was pregnant…
“It’s just not a good time, Holden. You can’t expect the world out of us anymore. I thought you met someone. What happened to him?” he asked.
I swallowed and wiped the tears away. “Yeah, well. That didn’t work out. I get it. I’m stupid. I just want to do what’s right,” I said.
“It might be better if you wait a week or two,” he said. “Just let it cool off around here.”
“Fuck,” I whispered. I glanced out of my truck window. There was nothing in sight, except for the bay at the other end of the horizon.
The lights twinkled brightly. I couldn’t stop thinking about the night that we had together. The beautiful dinner was perfect. Riley was so sweet to me, and I finally felt free.
Those moments couldn’t last forever. I should have been smart enough to know that. I felt trapped inside of a prison. I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t go to Riley’s again. I was just stuck.
“I know it’s hard. But mom and dad will come through. It’ll just take some time,” Andy continued.
“I don’t have time, Andy,” I said. “I have nowhere to go.”
“There’s always somewhere, Holden. You’ve been doing it for weeks,” he said.
“Who did they sell the horse to?” I asked him. My brother was silent, but I could hear the sound of feet shuffling in the background. I recognized those steps as my father’s.
“Andy, answer me,” I said.
“Look, I have to go. I’ll call you on this phone, so keep it on,” he said.
“Tell me who bought him. Please,” I stammered.
There was a long silence before he decided to answer. “Jack Hornton,” he said.
Jack Hornton wasn’t a bad guy. He had been our neighbor for twenty years. He would treat Sonny with respect. I hung my head and took a deep breath before accepting the outcome.
“Okay,” I whispered.
I heard my father behind him ask who my brother was talking to. He cleared his throat and said, “I have to go.”
“Got it,” I whispered. I listened until he hung up the phone.
There was nowhere to go except to find a motel. I still had some money left over from Riley’s charity, but it wasn’t much. In one single instant, it felt like my life had into a nightmare.
I couldn’t give up. And whether Riley liked it or not, I was going to have this child. He was going to know that I could live without the lies. My parents were just going to have to deal with my choices, as fucked up as they were.
Love was the hardest thing in the world to catch. Just when you felt it in your heart, it seemed to be taken away from you. I guessed it was better to live a life on your own. Love wasn’t doing me any favors.
It didn’t take too long to find an old crappy motel with the familiar, bright neon lights shining “VACANCY.” I couldn’t believe I was back here, but life was full of surprises.
“I need a room,” I said to the man at the front desk. He was reading a book, but he slowly dropped it under his eyelids.
“How many nights?” he asked.
“I’m not sure. Can I pay by the day?” I asked.
The man set his book down and sighed. “Normally, we don’t do that kind of thing around here. You gotta pay up front. You’ll have to pay for two days,” he said.
I dropped my hand and reached into my pocket. I felt the bills against my fingertips, but I didn’t want to pull them out to count them, since I didn’t know how much I had left.
“Can you make an exception? I’m desperate,” I said.
“How desperate?” he asked, eyes moving down my body.
I suddenly felt very sick standing here. “What do you mean?” I asked, praying to God he wasn’t suggesting what I thought he was.
“I mean, maybe you could come back here. Work for it a little,” he said. His grin revealed a set of missing front teeth. I recoiled and felt the disgust run through me.
“I just want a room for one night,” I said, finally taking out the money. I had three hundred and fifty dollars, so that could last me a while if I was frugal enough. “I’ll pay the damn fee upfront,” I said, slamming a fifty into the window slot.
The man laughed, slow and steady. “Feisty,” he muttered.
He reached behind him to grab a key. I felt violated and unsafe here, but it was the only place open for miles. This area was horrible. It made me wonder why they even built anything around the bay.
When he slid the key through the hole, I grabbed it and ran. I could still hear his strange and slow laughter coming from the box, but I didn’t turn around to see him. I just looked straight at my feet, until—
“Shit! Watch where you’re going!” I collided straight into a woman, holding a cigarette. The embers burned right into my arm, forcing me to fall back and howl in pain.
“This is just not my day!” I screamed and my voice echoed across the whole motel lot. I looked up at the woman, hurt. She had bright red hair and her face had a calming sense to it.
The women looked at me, stunned. “Hey, I’m sorry about the burn, but you have to look where you’re running.”
I immediately burst into tears. The physical pain didn’t hurt all that much. I could deal with that all day. The emotional pain I felt in my heart stung the worst. That wouldn’t be going away anytime soon.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, trying to focus. Everything felt like it was moving too fast. My vision was a complete blur.
The woman, despite her gruffness, bent down to help me up. “What’s wrong, dear?” she asked.
“Everything,” I blurted out. Then, feeling as if I had already said too much, I corrected myself. “Er, nothing. I’m okay. I think I just need to go to bed.”
I stumbled into my room and fell against the bed. I was bruised and hurt. But I wasn’t going to let Riley break me. No. I wasn’t going to let Riley take away my self-esteem.
My phone rang. It was my brother’s number. I answered it and heard his steady voice say, “Hey. It’s me. Mom and dad want to talk to you,” he said.
I swallowed hard, phone shaking against my ear. “Okay. I’m ready to talk,” I muttered before hearing their voice.
“Hey, baby. It’s mom.”
“Mom… I’m so sorry,” I cried. I waited to hear her say it was okay, and then I told her everything.
Chapter Twelve
Riley
I couldn’t sleep that whole fucking night. I drank the rest of my whiskey and sat against the thinly lit porch. I held my head against the staircase, thinking about every good moment with Holden.
I was beyond stupid. Before I met him, I had nothing to my name. Holden had given me everything. In a world where love is hard to come by, he gave it to me within two days of meeting him.
I thought I had it all under control. I was going to tell him everything about my torn up past. The people I met in my jail cell weren’t like me, so why was I comparing myself to them all of the time? I knew I could change, but I just wouldn’t let myself.
In the morning, I decided that I needed to make things right. If I wa
s going to clear my conscience, I had to start with the people that loathed me the most. I had to look past myself for one long moment. Then, maybe I could get Holden back.
I drove to officer Brady’s home in the early hours of the morning. His car was parked in the driveway, reflecting the purple sunrise on his window. I was hung over and feeling like absolute shit, but I had a feeling that Brady could understand what I was going through.
His house was a hell of a lot nicer than mine. It was a cookie-cutter suburban home, built this year. It was the standard purchase for any new family in the area. I felt the rise of jealousy course through me, but I quickly nudged that feeling away.
I knocked three times against his door. I heard the shuffling of boots near the hallway. Brady’s strained voice resounded, “Who the hell is—” The door opened, and we were standing face to face.
“Howdy, Brady. Mind if I come in?” I asked.
The officer was speechless, but he moved to the side, nodding slowly. His eyes searched me very carefully, but I made it abundantly clear that I wasn’t here to fight. I was here to forgive and put the past behind us.
“Mind if I sit down?” I asked.
He waved me inside his living room. There were boxes stacked near the kitchen. Evidently, his wife was moving out. Suddenly, I felt bad for the man because I knew what that felt like. We were two assholes who fucked everything up.
“Go ahead.” Brady gestured toward the couch, and I sat down feeling a little out of place. I pulled a flask from my pocket and set it down on the glass table in front of us. Brady looked at me curiously before reaching down to grab it.
Smelling the contents, he pursed his lips and nodded with politeness. “You didn’t poison this or anything, right?” he asked.
I laughed, but nothing was funny these days. Everything felt hopeless, and the image of Holden’s handsome face shined in my memories. He was out of reach now. A sinking feeling pushed me further into Brady’s couch.