Jillian's Promise

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  Bianca nodded. “Yes, but I’m not just talking about the night she lost the baby. I’m talking about afterward when Jillian needed your support. You kept drinking and withdrew even further into yourself and your career. She begged you to seek help, but you wouldn’t.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I swallowed. “What am I supposed to do now?”

  She was quiet for a moment. “Jillian is stubborn, and all you can do is show her you’ve changed. Show her you’re willing to become the man she needs.”

  “I’m trying. I’ve been spending time with the boys, helping around the house—”

  “Have you gone to AA?”

  “No. My shrink keeps pestering me to go, but I don’t want to talk about my problems with a bunch of strangers.”

  “I understand. Can I tell you something I haven’t admitted to anyone? Not even my own sisters?”

  “Sure.”

  She exhaled slowly. “I’ve started seeing a therapist to talk about my weight issues. I decided I needed to after working so hard to lose ten pounds only to regain it during one lonely weekend. I realized that eating the right foods and taking the right supplements weren’t going to make a difference until I figured out why I have this desire to punish myself by shoving food into my mouth.”

  “Is seeing a therapist helping?”

  She nodded. “It is. At least, I want to believe it is. She encouraged me to attend an OA meeting.”

  “OA?”

  “Overeaters Anonymous. It’s similar to AA.”

  “What’s it like?”

  “Awkward.”

  We shared a smile, and I looked down at my hands. “Do you know why I don’t want to go to AA or check myself into a rehab program?”

  “Because you’re stubborn?”

  “No.” I gently bumped her shoulder with mine. “I don’t want to go because I watched my father go to meetings and talk about recovery all the time. It never worked. In fact, he mostly came out of rehab with more ways to hide his alcoholism. I don’t want to be a hypocrite like that, you know?”

  She nodded. “Except what you’re doing now isn’t exactly working.”

  “I know.”

  “So maybe it’s time to try something new?”

  I looked at the angel statue, then back to Bianca. “Yeah, maybe it is.”

  Chapter 28

  Jillian

  Outside in the darkness, I paced the front porch, waiting for Keith to return. Where was he? Vicki hadn’t heard from him, and like Keith, Bianca wasn’t answering her phone. I thought about calling Mac, but I didn’t have his number.

  Just as I was about to call Dr. Jacobs, Bianca pulled into the driveway. The interior car light turned on as she opened the door, allowing me to see Keith sitting in the passenger seat, talking on his cell.

  Bianca closed the door and walked toward me. “He’s talking to Dr. Jacobs.”

  “Is he drunk?” I asked, worried.

  “No, he didn’t drink and he doesn’t want to, but he needs help, Jillian.”

  “I know.” I felt more afraid than irritated. “I’ve told him he needs help, but he won’t listen to me.”

  “I don’t think he was ready before, but he is now.”

  “How do you know? Did he say something?”

  She nodded as the passenger side door opened and Keith stepped out of the car. “Dr. Jacobs said I can check in to the rehab facility in San Antonio tonight. Will you drive me, Bianca?”

  “Of course,” my sister said. “I’m going to pour out the bottle so you can pack your things without having to deal with that, then we can go.”

  Keith nodded but said nothing until Bianca passed through the side gate to the backyard.

  “I didn’t drink tonight, Jillian. I wanted to, but your sister showed up and . . . Anyway, Dr. Jacobs thinks this place can help me.”

  “Good,” I said, refraining from telling him how scared I’d been to find the alcohol on the nightstand and him nowhere in sight. “Can I ask a favor?”

  “Sure.”

  I licked my bottom lip. “Will you let me drive you instead of Bianca?”

  He smiled sadly. “I’d like that.”

  While Bianca stayed with Matt and Drew, I drove Keith up to San Antonio. Dawn was breaking as we entered the grounds of the facility. Although the place resembled a resort with its trees, rolling hills, and Spanish-style architecture, I knew the work required of Keith would be challenging.

  I had a glimpse of that during check-in when a large man searched through every inch of Keith’s belongings, tossing any item that contained even the least bit of alcohol. “All set,” the man said, zipping up Keith’s bag. “Say your good-byes, and let’s get you processed.”

  Wait! I panicked, suddenly overcome with emotion. I’d expected to have more time with Keith. The whole experience reminded me of saying good-bye before deployment. On one hand, there was a sense of relief we were finally to this point and I could stop worrying about what life would be like without him. On the other hand, I wasn’t ready and felt as if someone was ripping off my arm.

  Without thinking or overanalyzing my actions, I threw my arms around Keith. Was this really the best place for him to heal? He still hadn’t recovered his memory and there was so much he didn’t understand.

  Keith’s strong arms pulled me tight, and I clung to him. I wanted to tell him how proud I was he was taking this step. How I believed in him. How despite everything, I was still in love with him.

  But he needed to get better for his own sake, and I didn’t want to complicate his life. When he released me and left with the guard, I stood still, feeling lost and empty. Resisting the urge to call out and tell him I loved him, I simply turned and left the building, fighting back tears.

  All the way home, I sang along to the songs on the Christian radio station and prayed that God would help Keith. I also prayed for Matt, Drew, Anna, Nick, my parents, my sisters, and every military family that had ever struggled. Then I prayed for myself, asking God to give me the wisdom to make the right choices in my life.

  Bianca had taken the boys to the ranch, so I drove up the mountain and talked to my parents and everyone about Keith. They had a lot of questions, especially regarding how long he’d have to stay and how this would affect his military career.

  “We can’t worry about the future right now,” my dad said. “The most important thing is supporting Keith while he heals.”

  At home that night, I disappeared into my bedroom and slid open the bottom shelf of my jewelry box. I stared down at the chain containing Keith’s wedding ring and the gold cross he’d given me that Christmas long ago. Just the sight of those items brought back so many memories.

  Slowly, I picked up the chain and held it against my heart. Then, kneeling beside the bed, I prayed.

  *

  Over the next few days, I kept busy by throwing myself into helping with Anna and Nick’s wedding. Because the reception was being held at the ranch, my mother ordered my sisters and me to perform housework that hadn’t been done in years. We cleaned out drawers, dusted under beds, and wiped down cabinet tops visible only to someone standing on a ladder.

  At one point, my mom brought home paint samples with the idea of repainting the entire house. Thankfully, my dad intervened, insisting he’d lock her up if she didn’t stop.

  “By the way,” he added, “Nick and Anna are already married. This event is just a formality. Remember?”

  “Of course I remember. I just want everything to be perfect.”

  My dad placed an arm around my mom’s shoulders. “It’s already going to be perfect because they’re surrounded by friends and family, and they love each other. Nothing we do or fail to do will change that.”

  My mother leaned into my dad. “You’re right.”

  “I’m sorry?” my dad said as though he’d never before heard my mom admit he was right. “Could you repeat that?”

  Mom jabbed an elbow into his gut and we
all laughed.

  Then we picked up our buckets and returned to scrubbing the limestone on the back porch.

  Afterward, my father walked me out to my car. “What do you hear from Keith?”

  “Nothing, yet. The program restricts phone calls in the beginning, so I haven’t talked to him. Dr. Jacobs tells me he’s doing fine, but I know the boys are anxious to hear from him.”

  “What about you?”

  Heat spread up my neck. “I’m anxious to hear from him, too.”

  The next day, while I was on the ladder cleaning the chandelier in the entryway of my parents’ house, I received a phone call from an unknown number. I sent the caller to voicemail, figuring they’d leave a message if it was important. Later, I learned it was Keith, and when he called again, I immediately answered.

  “Hey, Jills.”

  “Keith!” My heart hammered. “It’s so good to hear from you.”

  “Ah, it’s good to hear your voice, too.” There was a lightness in his tone that had been missing for forever. “How are the boys?”

  “They’re good. Matt has been doing his schoolwork without complaint, and Drew’s science project earned second place.”

  “That’s great. Tell him I’m sorry I missed the science fair.”

  “I will.”

  “What about you? Are you doing okay?” he asked.

  I wanted to tell him I desperately missed him. Instead, I told him about everything we were doing for Anna and Nick’s wedding, and how if it weren’t for my father, I’d probably be painting my parents’ dining room.

  “I thought Anna and Nick were already married.”

  I laughed. “They are. My dad keeps reminding my mom of that fact, but she wants it—”

  “To be perfect,” Keith finished.

  “Exactly.”

  “She was like that during our wedding.”

  “Was she?”

  Keith chuckled. “She freaked out about the flowers being the wrong shade of pink and insisted they clashed with the bridesmaids’ dresses, but they didn’t.”

  “Are you kidding? They totally clashed. Don’t you remember?”

  “No.” His voice was tender. “I only remember you in your wedding dress, walking down the aisle toward me.”

  I swallowed hard, too choked up to respond.

  Chapter 29

  Jillian

  The next week, Nick and Anna arrived on the island and came to the ranch for lunch. My dad grilled fish and my mom served a mozzarella tomato salad. Vicki brought several cake samples so the happy couple could choose what they wanted for their wedding.

  After eating, we went for a walk, following the path through my mother’s garden, past the little angel statute marking my daughter’s grave. We crossed Camp Windham before heading up the deer trail that eventually led to the Rose Museum.

  Matt and Drew ran ahead with Anna’s son, Travis, and Nick’s adopted daughter, Hailey. Gabby, the baby, rode behind Nick in a backpack she’d almost outgrown.

  Halfway up the trail, we stopped at the waterfall. It was a little cold for swimming, but the kids jumped in still wearing their clothes. The adults relaxed on huge boulders under an elm tree while Gabby slept in my mother’s arms.

  “How are Liesl, Friedrich, Louisa, and Yoda?” Bianca asked, referring to Nick and Anna’s dogs.

  Nick grinned. “Other than chewing up our furniture, they’re good. Fortunately, we were lucky enough to find a house with a big backyard.”

  “That puppy stage can be challenging,” I said, thinking about Bella’s first year of life and everything she’d destroyed. “But dogs are wonderful.”

  My mom rubbed Gabby’s back. “So are babies.”

  Anna nodded and let out a huge yawn. “I’m sorry, it’s not the company, I promise.”

  “I’m sure you’re jet-lagged,” my mother said.

  Anna smiled and nodded, but I had a feeling there was something she wasn’t telling us. My suspicions were confirmed when Nick chuckled.

  “What’s so funny?” Vicki asked.

  “Nick.” Anna spoke her husband’s name so gently I could feel the love between them.

  Nick grinned and held up his hands in a surrendering position. “All right. I won’t say anything, but you can’t blame me for being excited.”

  “Excited about what?” Bianca asked.

  Anna smiled. “I’m pregnant. We just found out today. We were going to wait, but somebody can’t keep a secret.”

  Nick laughed. “I’m sorry.”

  “Oh, honey.” My mom wrapped her arms around Anna, and my dad patted Nick hard on the back. Cheering, my sisters and I embraced Anna, Nick, and each other.

  “What’s all the hugging about?” my nephew Travis asked.

  Anna nodded at Nick, who leaned down so he was eye level with Travis. “Your mom’s going to have a baby.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yep. Are you okay with that?”

  Travis’s answer was a whoop of joy, and he shouted the news to Hailey, Matt, and Drew. Everyone was thrilled, and it was the best news we’d received in a long time.

  Vicki laughed at Nick. “In less than a year, you’ve gone from being a footloose, fancy-free bachelor to a father of four.”

  “Unless they have twins,” Bianca pointed out. “Then you’d be a father of five.”

  My mother squealed. “Twins. Oh, Nick. Do twins run in your family?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t think so.” He moved closer to his wife and draped an arm across her shoulders. “If we did have twins, though, I’d be thrilled. Becoming a father and a husband has been the greatest rush of my life.”

  Anna closed her eyes and rested her head against Nick’s chest. He kissed the top of her head, causing all the women to sigh. Seeing Anna with Nick, instead of my brother, had been an adjustment at first, but I adored Nick. Now, we’d have another family member, a little baby, to adore.

  On the walk back to the ranch, I was filled with a bittersweet happiness. On one hand, I was overjoyed for Nick and Anna. They were perfect together, and I knew having a baby would be a wonderful experience for their family.

  But Anna’s pregnancy also brought up the issue of my own fertility. God had graced me with two beautiful boys, and for that I was thankful. The miscarriages and the loss of our daughter had been incredibly difficult. Although I wanted another child, most likely that wasn’t going to happen given my age and circumstances. All I could do was be happy for Anna and happy I had Matt and Drew.

  And happy that maybe Keith and I could find a way back to each other. A way to begin again.

  For the past week, we’d talked on the phone every night. Due to a confidentiality agreement, he wasn’t allowed to discuss the other residents, but he told me what he was learning—how PTSD, certain events, and emotions triggered his desire to drink. How he was learning to let go and trust that God had a greater plan for him.

  We’d even started praying together over the phone. Keith had initiated it by asking if he could pray for me since I was taking care of Matt and Drew on my own. Listening to him ask God to help me was a beautiful experience.

  The next night, I asked Keith if I could pray for him. From there, we’d expanded our prayer time to include friends, family, peace in our nation, and the return of Blue Bell ice cream.

  Keith never asked about Bryan, and I wondered if he knew we’d broken up. Perhaps the boys had told him, or perhaps he’d decided not to worry about something he couldn’t control.

  Either way, I loved talking to him on the phone and praying with him each night. I just hoped nothing would come along to ruin our newfound friendship.

  *

  After work on Friday, I arrived home to the mouthwatering smell of hamburgers cooking on the grill. I walked into the house and was surprised to see Keith on the deck with Matt and Drew. The three of them stood around the barbecue, deep in conversation. Bella lay at their feet, her tail wagging and her mouth open in anticipation of a juicy handout.

>   Keith said something to Matt who stepped forward and flipped the burgers. One of the burgers almost fell off the spatula, but Matt caught it, much to the dog’s disappointment. Laughing, Keith took a sip of his Dr. Pepper and patted Matt on the shoulder.

  I knew Dr. Jacobs had helped Keith check out of rehab today. I also knew Keith had moved onto his boat where he would live until his convalescent leave ended.

  Because Keith and I had plans to take the boys to breakfast in the morning, I hadn’t expected him to come to the house tonight. Self-consciously, I ran a hand through my hair, wondering if it was foolish for me to slip into the bathroom and touch up my makeup.

  I glanced at the kitchen table, noting it had been set for four. A small bouquet of white and purple daisies arranged in a glass jar sat in the center.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. What if reconciliation was possible? What if Keith remained the same man I’d fallen in love with all those years ago? The same man I’d promised to honor, love, and cherish all the days of my life.

  At the gala, Lyla had insisted Keith hadn’t cheated. If that was true, maybe the drinking and his distance had been a result of stress. Maybe he’d simply needed to talk to someone besides me about failing to bring Marcus home. Maybe only someone who was there—someone like Lyla—could truly understand his feelings.

  The back door opened, and Drew entered. “Hey, Mom. Dad’s home and he’s teaching Matt how to grill hamburgers.”

  “I saw.”

  “And I made a salad. Dr. Lindsay let us pick the vegetables from her garden, which is even bigger than Grandma’s.”

  “You went to Dr. Lindsay’s today?”

  Drew nodded. “Dad came over after school, and he noticed Bella limping, so we took her to the vet.”

  I’d noticed Bella limping the day before, and I was grateful Keith had taken her in. Technically, she was his dog, but it’d been a long time since he’d assumed responsibility for her.

  “Look at the flowers.” Drew interrupted my thoughts. “Dr. Lindsay let us pick a bouquet of wild flowers from the fields around the clinic.”