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by Marit Weisenberg

  Hearing his voice, he was real to me again, suddenly pushed back into the foreground. The first message was from the very beginning, when he first began to call me. It was formal and he spoke fast. The second one was when we were in the thick of dating for those short weeks and he actually said “Hey, babe” on the phone, teasing me because I hated it. His last message was the day after the wine cellar. I remember watching the phone ring, but without a plan for what I was going to say, I let it go to voice mail. I remember noting he had waited until noon to call, most likely so he wouldn’t appear worried about telling me he loved me.

  His tone was straightforward, hiding any vulnerability even though he had to be unsure of how I felt about him. “Hey, it’s me. Thanks for having me over last night. Call me.” He didn’t deny the night before, but he didn’t bring it up explicitly either.

  Victoria had finally won. The messages made it so obvious. If getting close to an outsider wasn’t enough, I’d brought him here, to our house. If Novak found out—if he didn’t already know—come Relocation, my time with the group was over. I knew firsthand, you couldn’t defy Novak and get away with it. The worst of it was, I had done this to myself.

  Victoria gave Liv permission to take a drive as long as it was short and she stayed relatively close. I was surprised when Liv knocked on my door and asked me along. I’d barely ventured from my room, almost scared to move, waiting for Novak to come find me. When Liv asked if I wanted to come, I leapt at the opportunity, thinking no one would confront me as long as I was with her.

  With the music thumping, we blazed down the road in a car borrowed from Novak. The life outside the car window felt bright and new after days being holed up. The two of us hadn’t been alone in months. It felt manufactured, but at least we were trying.

  “Whoa, slow down, Livvy.” Cars honked as Liv went through a red light. She laughed her lilting laugh. Liv seemed happy for the moment, like she used to be before Novak separated her from Angus.

  Liv didn’t listen to me and continued driving like a maniac. We tore down West Fifth, aimless on a Friday afternoon. Traffic was piling up and Liv was swerving around cars. I’d been a passenger in cars driven recklessly countless times, but I trusted the Lost Kids’ skills a hell of a lot more than I trusted Liv’s, since she was a new driver.

  Seeing my look, Liv said, “What? I’ve got it. This is how you like to drive.”

  “Yeah, but I—” I stopped myself. She didn’t drive looking ahead and in all three mirrors at once like I did.

  “What?” Liv looked over at me too long, her eyes off the road. “You’re better at it than me?”

  “No. Of course not.” Immediately I felt a pit in my stomach.

  She slowed and draped one hand on top of the steering wheel, stuck in traffic now.

  “Can I ask you something?” She looked over at me, her tangled hair hanging loose halfway down her back. Liv looked more Lost Kid than I did at the moment.

  “Of course.”

  “Why are you holding back?”

  “What are you talking about?” I looked out the window.

  “It’s like you’re deferring to me all the time.” We were moving again, and Liv took her eyes off me. “What happened at Barton Springs—both you and Angus—no one ever talked about it.”

  “Ha. I’m sure Angus did.” I didn’t mean to say that. I avoided mentioning his name in her presence.

  “You’re advanced like Dad, aren’t you?” The impact of her words got lost in my realization that Liv had driven way too close to Austin High for my own comfort. We were nearby at just the time school would be letting out. I didn’t like it.

  “No! Not at all.”

  “Are you okay with that?”

  “What? Not being like Dad? Of course. I mean, it’s a pipe dream we probably all have, you know? To be that special person among special people. And you all know so much more than me and the boys. I’m just happy I can be back and live this life, be with all of you….”

  “I don’t know, Julia. I want to make sure you’re not holding back on my account. It’s okay if you’re better than I am. I don’t care. Honestly. Even if they want it for me, it’s become clear I’m never going to have abilities like Dad’s.”

  What did she want me to say? Admit to being better at everything just so she could run off crying? What did she care? I couldn’t act on it anyway. I’d always be a second-class citizen. I pushed the bitterness down quickly, surprised at how fast it had come up. “You have it all, Liv,” I said lightly, hoping that would placate her.

  “I really don’t.”

  I let it drop. I wasn’t going to discuss her heartsickness. Angus and I would each have given our right arms to train with Novak. It was funny how, after everything she’d been given, all our future leader seemed to want was Angus.

  “Liv, what are you doing? Why are you driving so close to—” I broke off.

  “I want you to point him out.” She sounded like she was trying to work something out in her head.

  And then I realized she was the one, not Victoria, who’d been looking in my phone. “Turn around.” My voice expressed the dire need for us to turn the hell around.

  Liv swung to a stop right across the street from the west parking lot and turned off the engine. I felt like if I moved, someone would notice us. Kids were trailing out into the festive Friday-afternoon atmosphere of the parking lot. John would be getting in his car right now, leaving for tennis. Already a few boys had noticed the Porsche and were pointing.

  Liv had stopped talking and was watching me. I looked out the window, knowing exactly where he’d be. Liv followed my gaze. I saw Alex by John’s car, laughing about something. He and August were talking to someone—Reese, the girl who had been with John at the party the night of the fire. John would be joining them any moment.

  “Do you see him?”

  I started to panic, something in me never wanting her to see him. “Just drive!” I didn’t dare look again.

  Liv didn’t move.

  “Drive, goddammit!”

  “Oh my God. Okay, okay, I’ll drive. Calm down.”

  Liv restarted the car, the loud Porsche engine drawing attention. She pulled out, and I didn’t breathe until we had blended into traffic.

  Why was she doing this? Did she hate me that much? Was she so jealous I was hanging out with Angus that she was actively trying to get me expelled from the group? That wasn’t the Liv I thought I knew.

  I tried to compose myself. If it was Liv, not Victoria, who knew about John, maybe there was a way out of this. Neither of us said anything for a few minutes as Liv drove toward home. Eventually she was unable to help herself.

  “Why won’t you say anything? You’re just going to sit there? Tell me about him,” she said encouragingly, as though she wanted to hear about a harmless crush.

  “Have you told anyone yet?” I asked icily, rounding on her. Maybe there was still a chance and she was just being mean, trying to rub my face in my disgrace.

  Liv froze at my tone. I had never spoken to her like that.

  Her demeanor suddenly changed. “Why don’t you just say everything you want to say, Julia? You’ve clearly wanted to say something to me since the day Dad announced the groups.”

  “What is wrong with you? Are you pissed I’m back? Do you feel guilty about something?” My tone implied she should. I couldn’t forget how she hadn’t tried to stop Novak from sending me away.

  Stop talking, Julia.

  Liv was so quiet, I glanced over. Her thick hair mostly hid the side of her face, but I could tell she was trying to control a temper she didn’t know she had. She lost the battle.

  “I can’t believe you would fucking say that to me. You really think I’m a terrible person, don’t you?”

  Whoa. “I’m sorry. I don’t, Liv. Not at all. You just have so much, and if anyone finds out about this, that’s it for me. I won’t be going with you.” I hoped I sounded placating.

  “Don’t condescend to me
, Julia.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “It was chance you were put in the other group. It wasn’t me who asked you to step aside. But since then you’ve acted differently toward me.”

  Liv pulled through our gate and roared into the elevator. It began its descent. It was claustrophobic in the car within the elevator and I just wanted to get the hell out.

  “You hate me,” Liv said.

  “Liv, shut up. I love you more than I love anyone else.” It was true.

  “Then you must resent the crap out of me. Why won’t you admit it? They had me replace you in everything you were better at.”

  I had thought I had my feelings under control. It scared me how suddenly I saw red. And then the rush of it overtook me. “What do you want from me? I’ve given you everything. I’m sorry I can’t also give you Novak’s skills or Angus. You have never, for one single day, had to worry about anything. Let me tell you, I have worried every day of my life. If I was better at everything, it doesn’t even matter. You at least know who you are. Just let me go with the group, Liv. That’s all I want.”

  The elevator landed gently in the undergound garage. Liv, in shock, remained motionless in the driver’s seat. I got out, slamming the car door and walking directly to my own car. I had to keep going. If I stopped, it would sink in that I’d completely alienated the person who held my future in her hands.

  I had thought I was okay. I really had. I’d sworn to myself I would never do this, even though, lying in the dark, I’d planned it a hundred times.

  I found myself in front of the double doors of the public library, feeling like I must have floated there. It was almost empty inside, and I made my way to the bank of computers, taking the seat farthest from the one other person there. I typed in “Elizabeth Blackcomb.” I wasn’t about to do this on my phone.

  The old computer took its time, and I had a second to come to my senses. I wanted out. Then, before I could stand up to leave, a row of images appeared at the top of the search results. I could see the correct Elizabeth Blackcomb was among them. She was my doppelganger. The eyes of the woman in the photo were the same shape as mine. Novak used to tease that they were Elvis’s eyes.

  I scanned the results below and one stood out. “Elizabeth Blackcomb, government-sponsored remote-viewing program, research and experimentation in the use of psychic phenomena for intelligence gathering.” That was enough. I didn’t want to know any more. I got up and walked out of the library as fast as I could. I’d never be able to forget what I’d just seen.

  Maybe the FBI had planted this, knowing I would eventually go looking. It was still possible she was one of us, that the group had rejected her for doing something wrong and it just so happened both of us looked different from everyone else.

  But unfortunately, in my heart I knew those FBI agents had been telling the truth.

  I sat down on a stone wall, staring at the ground like a zombie, while Angus paced in front of me, talking and skipping stones impressively across the glassy water. The sun was almost gone from the sky, and you could barely see the stones when they were five skips out.

  I wasn’t going to tell Angus, but I was scared to be alone. Angus was cagey but excited to leave his house. He’d had to sneak out to meet me at the boat dock.

  “So, what happened?”

  I looked up at Angus and could see he was annoyed I wasn’t fully present and listening to him.

  For a second I wondered what it would feel like to say her name out loud, to see if Angus thought I was a lost cause. “Nothing.”

  “Oh, now I have to hear it.” Angus came and sat down beside me, stretching his legs out in front of him. He instinctively knew it was easier to talk if we weren’t looking at each other.

  “Liv,” I said, then shook my head. That would feel good to talk about at least.

  The way I said her name made Angus start laughing. He stopped when he saw I was in a shitty mood. “What happened?”

  I couldn’t look at him. He was going to think I was so stupid for getting caught. “Liv is trying to make me look bad. She found out about…John.” I hated saying his name out loud.

  “How?”

  “She went into my room and went through my phone.”

  “Julia…”

  “I know, I know. And then I lost my temper. I’m worried she’s going to tell them, and that’s all Victoria will need to get rid of me.”

  “Liv’s not going to do that.”

  “I don’t know. We’re not close anymore. God, Angus, I just want us to leave and to know I’m included.” I sounded desperate.

  “Ha! Tell me about it. I’m losing my mind, trapped in that house. Look: I’m like you now.” Angus unzipped his jacket and lifted his shirt, showing a rash all over his chest. He lowered his shirt and offered me his arm. “Hit me. Seriously. Hit me hard.” When I looked at him like he was crazy, he gave up and looked into the distance. “I can’t fucking feel anything anymore.”

  I didn’t say a word, and Angus picked up that I was really scared. “I wouldn’t worry about it. Liv told me they’re too busy trying to find people to bring with us.”

  “It’s ridiculous,” I said.

  “Well, creatures will do pretty amazing things when their species is in jeopardy. Novak has fucked us. By keeping us so tight, this branch is dead,” Angus said.

  “I get it in theory. No kids in seventeen years is a problem. Who knows? Maybe there’s something to his lost-souls theory and there are more of us out there.”

  Angus shook his head in amazement. “Because of a theory Novak has? There aren’t people like us out there, whether you call them reincarnated souls or people with similar DNA. They don’t exist. He’s just going to abduct people who kind of look like us and seem better than average and try to mix our gene pool with theirs. Not that anyone will last a second with us. They’ll end up like Kendra.”

  “He’s not going to abduct anyone! Jesus.”

  “What do you think he’s going to do? He thinks they need full immersion to make this ‘transformation’ happen. Not to mention, we need to get out of here. At the very least they’ll be better off with us than with the rest of humanity,” he said.

  I knew Angus was a snob, but that angered me—the thought that we would take away someone’s rights and think they were better off. I couldn’t help myself. “These people we hate so much? Has anyone ever thought they could be living special lives here?”

  “Maybe one percent of them do. But one hundred percent of us live exceptional lives. At least those of us who are told we can,” Angus said bitterly.

  “Angus, it will be different in a new place. We just have to get there.” I put my face in my hands, my nerves completely frayed.

  Angus put his arm around me. “Stop worrying. She won’t say anything. She’s just being pulled between her powerful parents and her loyalty to you.”

  I raised my head. “I don’t know. It was bad. I lost it,” I admitted.

  Angus laughed. “We’re human, Julia. Maybe different or special or whatever. But still human.”

  I’d never thought of it like that. To me it had always been just them and us, no gray area between.

  I put my head on his shoulder. “You all seem perfect.”

  “Well, we all know there’s more than meets the eye. Seriously, I wouldn’t worry about Liv. You know that saying—she needs to kill the king in order to grow up and take her rightful place. You acted like her mother forever, and now she’s rebelling, trying to prove herself. You’re older and a badass.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “What? The badass part? Jesus, Julia. You always have been. You don’t see yourself. You’re the OG. That’s never going to change.”

  I lifted my head and looked at him like he was crazy. “This is very different from what you were saying to me a few months ago.”

  “Things change.” Novak’s mind changed was what he really meant. I wondered at the timing of it. Would Novak have brought me back if t
he FBI had never spoken to me? Was I back because he was afraid of what I might know?

  Angus leaned forward, elbows on knees, and stared up at me.

  I wasn’t good with compliments, but, weirdly, what he said about Liv made sense. I looked up at the sky. “Well, she’s playing around with something dangerous.”

  “It’ll be fine. Liv is smart.”

  We made eye contact and I smiled, feeling just a tiny bit of relief in spite of the day’s events. Angus suddenly stopped smiling but held my gaze.

  He sat up and very slowly extended his arm toward me, his fingers sifting through my hair. Angus had always been a flirt, but this felt different. Like I was precious, he carefully pulled my head toward his, his lips brushing my temple. Then he tilted his head to the side and leaned in to kiss me.

  His lips were soft, but they felt totally foreign. Last summer I had been so ready for this, wanting to melt into him. Angus was a skilled kisser, but now I felt removed. After a moment I pulled back, not wanting it.

  Angus straightened up, immediately defensive. “What?”

  “You surprised me.”

  “How could that have been a surprise?”

  “Angus, you have led me on for two years.” I felt angry. Why now? He’d shown up too late.

  “I was an idiot.”

  “No, you just didn’t know if you liked me that way.”

  “Like I said, I was an idiot. I have always liked you that way. I just needed to realize it.” I knew he meant it.

  “No, Angus.” I put my hand on his knee. “This is because I’ve apparently had a status change.”

  He grabbed my hand, holding it—a complete contrast to his harsh words. “Fuck you, Julia. It’s not. I have always loved you.”

  “Angus, you were with my sister.” I pulled my hand away and stood up, as if that made it a done deal.

  He leaned back, as if in disbelief that Liv could really be a deal breaker. “Julia, she liked me, and I felt like I should like her back because of who she is. You’re right: I got caught up in the status bullshit. But I don’t feel for her the way I feel—