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by Marit Weisenberg

  I held up a hand. “Don’t say it. Liv cares about you. A lot.”

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “So nothing can happen between us simply because I dated Liv for two seconds.”

  “It was for more than two seconds. And I wouldn’t do that to her, anyway. Not right now.”

  “I never had sex with Liv.”

  “Ugh! Why are you telling me this? I don’t want to know.”

  “Just letting you know it was never serious.”

  “It was to her.”

  “She’ll get over it.” Angus stopped abruptly, like something had just occurred to him. Slowly he stepped toward me, trying to get me to look at him full in the face. There was surprise in those light eyes when he asked, “Did you have sex with him?”

  “Angus, shut up!” I made a move to grab my bag and jacket.

  “Wow. You did.” His voice was more amazed than disgusted. I expected him to say something demeaning. Instead he said quietly, “I just thought—I always thought I’d be your first.”

  He left me sitting on the stone wall. I watched him walk away, feeling like I had nothing left.

  DECEMBER

  When Liv said she was taking me out for my birthday and it was okay with Novak, she could have taken me anywhere. I didn’t care, I was so desperate to leave the house after weeks of staying close to home, quarantined and feeling so messed up, the same scared thoughts spinning. I was surprised when she pulled up in front of a large music venue on the east side of town. We had never been to a music venue or to the east side. This seemed extreme, even for my birthday.

  Things still felt uneasy between me and my sister. In the line to get into the show, we were mostly silent, Liv fidgeting in the cold of the late night, impatient and out of her element, and me glancing at her sidelong, in awe that the two of us could be related in any way. Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw the photo of Elizabeth Blackcomb all over again.

  I felt humiliated that I had walked around thinking I was one of them all these years, that if I just tried a little bit harder I could fit in, though I never did. Turns out I was the child of someone who had probably suffered like Novak’s assistants had.

  But I was starting to feel wronged too. I was the one tainted by Novak’s sins. I was the one who would forever have to pay for Novak’s transgressions while he was revered.

  Relocation would happen in a matter of days now. You could feel it. I knew it was the perfect time for them to be rid of me. But if Liv was here, tonight wasn’t the night.

  Liv kept looking around, as if she was trying to find someone in the crowd.

  “Are you waiting for someone?” I asked, but she just shrugged.

  I stared off into space, the crowd making me edgy. For a second I thought I was mistaken when I recognized Angus’s battered BMW as it slithered into an illegal parking spot directly in front of the building. The driver’s door flew open, and Angus took a giant step into the street without a glance. A car veered and honked, narrowly missing him. Angus kept walking, calmly raising both arms, giving the double middle finger to the car as it passed. I looked over at Liv, who also couldn’t help but smile.

  “What’s he doing here?” I asked.

  “It’s your birthday. I thought you’d want him here.” Liv looked over at me, and while she seemed distracted her eyes were kind. I smiled back. It was hard to believe Novak was fine with us being out like this, but Liv seemed confident.

  I hadn’t seen Angus since our conversation by the water. He sauntered up in the dark, definitely looking more beat-up—dark blue rings under his eyes and the rash partially on his face now. You could see Liv’s beginning to creep up her neck. My rashes were gone altogether. Maybe it was psychosomatic. Now that my identity had fallen by the wayside, so had my abilities and any urge to use them.

  “What? No special line?” Angus said by way of greeting.

  “No special line.” I could tell Liv was nervous, but her entire being changed around him. She was excited to see him.

  “Happy birthday,” Angus said to me, his eyes intense. He seemed to want to make peace.

  “Thanks.” I smiled, but it didn’t match my eyes.

  “It’s fine,” Angus said directly to me.

  “What’s fine?” Liv asked.

  “Everything,” Angus said. The line began moving. Then he said, “Julia’s worried about being here.”

  Liv got indignant, feeling second-guessed. “I told you we’re fine! I thought you’d love to see Sweet Spirit. We’ve never been to something like this, and I thought we could try it before we…”

  “No, I’m very excited. I love them. Thank you,” I said. I couldn’t help but wonder why Liv would put herself in a situation like this. She didn’t want to be here. Angus and I could handle it—we’d been out and about a lot—but all this humanity was a lot for Liv, with the standing throngs and lack of personal space. Wind whipped through the line again, and, freezing cold, I braced myself. The image of John standing in line with me at ACL, holding my hand, popped into my head. I kept losing control of my thoughts.

  It was an all-ages show, so we passed through the door, each getting an X on our hands, which I assumed marked us as minors. We entered the crowded outdoor space of the restaurant and music venue with its stage at the far end. I felt a pull and looked up to the third-story balcony.

  “What are they doing here?” I asked, seeing the Lost Kids gathered in a large group for the first time in months. Even Ellis and Roger were present. Angus seemed surprised to see the group also, and I felt both of us go on edge at the exact same time. This was starting to feel weird.

  “I thought everyone deserved a night out.” Liv had to speak louder now that we were inside and the band was beginning their show. “So enjoy, because this will be the last time.”

  “We know,” Angus said.

  “Not just in Austin,” Liv said cryptically.

  I suddenly realized she had a secret she wanted to tell us. Both Angus and I didn’t say anything, just waited.

  Our patience was rewarded. “We’re going into seclusion.”

  “What do you mean, ‘seclusion’?” Angus asked after a beat.

  Liv leaned in. “Once we go in, we won’t be coming out. Ever. Novak’s built a place to sustain us for the rest of our lives. He wants us away from all this”—Liv gestured around us—“people, cities, their stuff. We won’t be coming out for generations. Assuming there will be generations after us.”

  “We can’t get out?” I could feel Angus’s panic.

  “We won’t want to. It’s going to be like paradise. And safe. No more looking over our shoulders.”

  Angus up and walked away from us, stunned.

  “It’ll be better,” Liv said to me, sounding like she was convincing herself. “We can live how we’re meant to.” She sounded like she didn’t wholly buy the idea and wanted to see my reaction.

  “That’s crazy. Maybe our ancestors lived in isolation, but none of us have. How long have you known this?” I asked.

  “A week, maybe.”

  It didn’t feel right. I always thought this Relocation would be a kind of remote pastoral haven—an attempt to get back to a homeland from our past—but this felt different. It sounded unnatural and scary, like being trapped behind a pane of glass. I knew I shouldn’t be having this reaction in front of Liv. Without looking back, I blindly walked into the crowd alone, like I wanted to hide among the people we’d always wanted to get away from. Not knowing where I was headed, I worked my way front and center, to the foot of the stage.

  The lead singer rasped into the microphone, stalking the stage, and I stared. She stilled, and I could swear she looked directly at me. She was raw and powerful, and I’d never seen anyone own both. I didn’t understand why I was so transfixed by her. Maybe it was that she seemed so free. I realized I admired her.

  I was uncertain if I was going with my family to this strange new reality, but either way everything was about to change. This life was over. For the first t
ime I felt a whispering of second thoughts about Relocation.

  I could have stood there forever, watching the singer and losing myself, letting her be my surrogate for expressing feelings I didn’t understand. Involuntarily I looked away when Angus nudged me with his shoulder, interrupting. He looked destroyed, his eyes red. I knew he was desperate to talk about what Liv had told us.

  With his head he gestured to my right and aggressively shouted into the noise, “Your boyfriend’s here.”

  “What?”

  “That guy John is here.”

  I shouldn’t have looked. I should have walked to the car, protecting myself. I’d put so much effort into building walls to keep him out, I wouldn’t have thought they would come down at the sight of him. Just like he burst into my consciousness at Barton Springs, he broke through now, and I had no time to prepare myself.

  Alex was the one who caught my eye. He looked away first and stared straight ahead at the stage. August was also there, and of course Reese, who clearly had never stopped circling John. Then Alex nudged John, the way Angus had me, and tilted his head in my direction. John scanned the crowd in response. I knew I should look away, giving him the option of pretending he didn’t see me.

  I saw the split second he registered it was me. He was amazing—he hid his reaction at once. There was nothing behind his eyes when he looked at me. Then John moved away from his group, slowly parting the crowd as he headed toward the back.

  “Don’t do it, Julia,” Angus said without even looking at me.

  It was useless to tell me not to. As soon as I saw him, I knew I would talk to John.

  Without a word I drifted away from Angus. It took forever to navigate my way, but finally I opened the door to the dark interior of the wood-paneled bar with its smell of beer-soaked floorboards.

  There he was. Waiting for me, wanting to get this run-in over with.

  I drank John in—he looked so good to me. He seemed taller, his dark-brown hair shorter. He was even better looking than I recalled. He wore a navy blue hooded sweatshirt and jeans, his hands shoved deep in his back pockets. He felt so untouchable now, like he was someone else’s.

  Wordlessly he turned and walked into a smaller side room with a pool table. It was almost empty, and the sounds from outside were muffled.

  I followed a few steps behind. John walked only partway into the room, as if he wouldn’t commit to staying long.

  John’s expression was absolutely neutral, making me feel as self-conscious as I felt around my family. He spoke first. “I saw your boyfriend.”

  I couldn’t help the smile. “Funny, he just said the same thing about you,” I said, regretting it the second it came out of my mouth.

  “Happy birthday,” he said, and I melted. The damage this was doing to me by the second was incredible.

  “How did you remember?” I asked.

  “It’s so close to Christmas, it’s hard to forget.”

  A realization dawned on me. “You got into Stanford.”

  “How did you know?”

  “There’s no way your parents would let you out this late on a weeknight unless…”

  “I did. I got in.”

  “Congratulations.” It was my first real smile since I’d broken up with John. I didn’t even try to temper my reaction. I was so happy for him.

  “It wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t fixed that match,” he said flatly.

  “No, don’t, John.” I felt him react when I said his name. “You earned Stanford on your own. It was just that one match.” I felt both our minds go to what was also only one time. I blushed and he knew why.

  John’s words so far were polite, but he wouldn’t give me a thing—no indication of how he felt. Without a map I felt insecure, like I’d never talked to him before. I wanted to know if he hated me, if he thought about me.

  I blurted out, “I’m sorry I—”

  He stopped me. “It’s done. Don’t worry about it.”

  “Hey, man.” We both looked up. Alex stood there, wanting to get his brother away from me, the bad influence, the bitch.

  “Hey.” John nodded to Alex and straightened. I realized he was going to join his brother, leaving me so soon. Why wouldn’t he? There really wasn’t anything to say. I’d made that clear at the tennis court.

  John had been the only time I’d ever let go. Now a terrible, self-destructive part of me wanted to grab that feeling again, one last time.

  We looked at each other, and maybe because he was saying good-bye he allowed our eyes to meet. I took a step closer into his space, and watching his eyes, I saw it. He felt it. It was still there.

  His brother saw it too. “John.”

  The moment was over. John said a simple “bye,” and then he was gone.

  I stayed where I was for long minutes, until a crowd found the empty room. Numb, I eventually walked up the dank indoor staircase to the third-floor balcony, which put me outdoors again, the band on display below. It was darker now, the winter air filled with cigarette smoke. I saw Liv and Angus and reluctantly made my way over.

  “How far away is the nearest town?” Angus was at Liv’s elbow, and she was leaning up against the railing, watching the band and attempting to ignore him.

  “I told you, I don’t know where it is! It’s not detectable by satellite. That’s all I know.”

  “But we can never leave?”

  “Look, maybe you’re claustrophobic and that’s what’s bothering you, but it’s not like you’re going to be shut in a box, Angus.”

  “Maybe there’s enough food and water to wait out a war or Armageddon or something, but it’s still a metaphorical fucking box, Liv.”

  “Don’t come, then. You want to be left here?” Liv turned to face Angus. “We’ll be free there.” She reached out to him. He ducked a bit when she touched his hair.

  “What if it’s no different from here? Novak’s in charge. You think your dad’s going to suddenly let me be with you?” he scoffed.

  “If you want.” She was embarrassed. “We were only in groups here because we had to be careful.”

  “What’s really going to change? He doesn’t like me. And it will be worse, because I’ll have nowhere to go.”

  “You won’t want to go. Jesus. Oh, thank God you’re here,” Liv said when she saw me. “He’s driving me crazy,” she said in front of Angus. “He’s psyched himself out, thinking he’s going to go live in some cage.”

  Angus did look like he was panicking. “Julia.” He held up his palms as if he thought I would bring some sanity to the situation. My mind was still downstairs, though.

  Liv was back at the railing of the balcony, scanning for something. “Ah!” she said suddenly. “He’s here,” she breathed.

  “Who?” I asked.

  “John Ford.”

  What had she just said? I felt Angus freeze. I paused, thinking I’d heard wrong.

  Liv turned to me. “Have you seen him yet? He’s why I brought you here.”

  It felt like ice water had been poured through my veins. “What are you talking about?” I finally said.

  “John Ford. From Barton Springs. The person you dated this fall.”

  “You knew he’d be here?” Angus asked.

  “Yeah, I’ve been watching him.” Liv sounded proud.

  I found my voice. I moved closer to her, looking her directly in the eye. “Liv.” I felt like I was choking. “Let it go.” I couldn’t fathom why she would do this to me.

  “Julia, you did it.” Liv looked at me like she was about to reveal a birthday surprise.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “He’s fine. After dating you, he’s fine. You found him.”

  I felt every hair on the back of my neck stand up. “You were searching through my phone, weren’t you? That’s how you knew.”

  “You aren’t getting what I’m saying. I’d been thinking about him, ever since Barton Springs. I thought I was dying, and then he touched me. It was like he healed me, Julia.
When I stood up, he was right there and he had his hand on my arm. And then Angus pushed him just like he pushed that policeman, but nothing happened to him. I’ve been thinking about it since then, but I knew everyone would think I was crazy.

  “I looked in your phone one day, not even thinking I’d find anything that would help Novak, and then I realized that same person from Barton Springs was in your life. All of a sudden, it occurred to me that Novak’s visions are correct. John is one of these lost souls! I know it. Think about it—what happened to me at Barton Springs, and then you dated him. He had extended periods of direct interaction with you and he never broke with reality like Kendra and the others.”

  I stared at Liv, a beat behind.

  Angus jumped in first, fully aware. “What are you going to do, Liv? Abduct him?”

  “No. I want Julia to be the one to introduce him to Novak. She’s the one who did this. She should get the recognition.”

  I found my voice. “Do you hear yourself? So we’re going to take him like we own him, no trace left behind, and just hope he can make the leap and become like us? You know that has never, ever happened, Liv. It’s a pipe dream of Novak’s.”

  Angus backed me up. “You want babies who are half, Liv? By some poor guy who ends up a basket case like all the other ones?”

  “Shut up, Angus. It’s not like that. I’m telling you, he’s important. I’m sure about him.”

  What she was saying was so outlandish that it took me a second to realize my little sister might actually have the power to make this happen. Liv had done this to me before with Angus. And now she was doing it again. She was interfering in my life, but now someone could legitimately get hurt. Not just someone. I turned the full force of my rage on my stupid little sister.

  “Look at me.” I got right up to her face and spoke slowly. “You’re wrong.” Liv began to shake her head to argue with me. “No.” I shut her up. “Do you know how I know that? The reason he didn’t change is that I’m not the same as you. I had no effect on him because I’m like him. Novak might be my father, but my mother was just a normal person off the street. All I did was spend time with another average person. But if you bring that out in the open, it gives Novak one more reason to say I’m too different, and he’ll leave me behind.”