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by Marit Weisenberg

“This was a bad idea.” I turned to leave. Suddenly he grabbed my arm and I turned back around, hearing my own intake of breath.

  And then we both slid.

  He lowered his head to mine at the exact moment my arms reached up for him, winding around his neck. Just one last time. I didn’t care if he was with someone else—I didn’t care about anything. He and I were together in that moment. After the emptiness of being cut off from his thoughts, I felt a deep thrill in finally knowing what he was feeling. We both let go of everything pent up between us and the pain of the last weeks. My hands snaked into his hair. I’d forgotten exactly how he felt and how well he kissed. That coupled with the fact that I would never see him again made the kiss surpass anything I’d ever experienced. And probably ever would.

  When we broke apart, he rested his forehead against mine.

  “When I saw you tonight, I thought you’d moved on,” I said, thinking of Reese.

  “I’ve been trying to,” he said, his expression unreadable again, but his hand shook as he smoothed my hair behind my ear. “I thought you’d moved on.”

  “I’ve been trying to.” I met his dark eyes. For a second I fell into them and pretended he was still mine. “I’m just going to go. It will be easier that way.” I reached behind me for the door.

  “You’re eighteen today. You could stay if you wanted to,” he said in a neutral voice that matched his expression. He sounded like he didn’t care one way or the other. The only sign that he gave a shit about what he was saying was that he’d started speaking at normal volume.

  “Shhh. You’ll wake your family,” I whispered.

  “At least acknowledge it before you go, Julia—what’s fucking both of us up. We never talked about the moment we first saw each other at Barton Springs. Something happened. And ever since then, I’ve known we’re supposed to be together. You felt that too. It’s why you’re here, right?” He didn’t wait for my response, his tone annoyed now.

  “I’ll go to college, get a job, meet someone someday, but they’ll always be second best. You’ll be with one of your boys like Angus, and you may be happy that you’re so superior, but a huge part of you will be locked away. So you choose, Julia. I know which life I want. It’s the harder one, but the second I met you I accepted it.”

  John was looking at me. He’d spoken so clearly and honestly, and after everything he still wanted me.

  I’d have been lying if I told myself I hadn’t thought about it. I hadn’t stopped thinking about it all night, ever since we arrived at the hospital. But I kept coming back to the same set of facts.

  “I’m too different. I would just ruin you, John.” I shook my head.

  “You already have.”

  “I’m eighteen—I have nothing to my name. What am I supposed to do? I need to be with them to be safe.”

  “Who told you that? Are you so sure about these rules? Who’s telling you that you should only function in a tight group? That could be a complete lie.”

  “I can’t not see my sister again.”

  “This is your one life. Not your family’s. You act like there’s this wall between you and the rest of us, that you live some sort of mythical parallel existence. But you can’t just ignore the reality all around you. You don’t want to.”

  “I’ve always been taught that the group comes first. It’s so ingrained, I can’t imagine anything else. I don’t know anything else. And I can’t be myself out here.” I gestured around.

  “You can’t be yourself with them, either. You were happy when you let us happen instead of keeping everything controlled. I hate watching you when you shut yourself off and act uninterested in the rest of the world just like the rest of them. I was drawn to you at Barton Springs because you’re not exactly like them.”

  He had hit the nerve of my lifetime.

  “I am them. You have no idea how selfish I can be.”

  John looked at me closely. “What?”

  “No. Nothing.” I wasn’t sure if I should do it. I hadn’t planned on ever telling him.

  From the way I’d said it and then backtracked, he guessed it had something to do with him. “Tell me.”

  I almost walked away. But then I decided he should know. “Tell me,” he demanded.

  “Sometimes I could hear your thoughts.”

  I saw it on his face. It was like he’d been aware that a piece was missing, and right then it clicked into place. All the times I’d messed up—things I’d known that he’d never told me, his random thoughts I’d finished out loud, how I’d always seemed so in sync with him.

  “You had no problem doing that to me? Like I was your toy? After I asked you to leave me alone?”

  He was suddenly angrier than I’d ever seen him. “Why did you even come here, Julia? Just to mess with my head one last time?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Everything you’ve done has been selfish. You came slumming to public school and wrapped me around your finger, telling me things that blew my mind…and then you dumped me like you couldn’t have cared less. I thought that was the extent of it. But this?”

  “I didn’t plan for it to happen, and I tried to stop it, but I couldn’t or didn’t. I don’t know.”

  “So I’m completely exposed to you? I never gave you that permission.”

  I grabbed his face with both hands, forcing him to look at me. He jerked out of my grasp. “Listen, it hasn’t happened since we broke up. And before that it only happened when you were open to it. When you were angry, I was cut off. But for better or worse, I know you. I know what’s inside you. And I can say you are the most perfect person, John.”

  He shook his head in disgust. “You had no right.”

  “I didn’t have a choice. It happened.”

  “So I was your experiment. Is that why you talked to me when you ignored every single other person at the school?” Again, he knew.

  “Maybe it started that way….”

  “You need to go.”

  I stood for a moment, but he wouldn’t look at me now. On some level I’d known telling him would make it easier to walk away. I’d made it so I could go, free and clear. He’d be happy if he never saw me again.

  “You are the only one who accepted everything about me.”

  I let myself out and walked away from him, knowing this last memory of him would feel like a never-ending wave, crushing me over and over again.

  I should have been present on the drive home, memorizing every detail of Austin, the last city I’d ever see if what Liv said was true. Instead my mind raced, occupied by John, and I arrived back on Scenic Drive before I was ready. The grand black gate swung open, and I hesitated at the entrance. I felt my knees go weak when I drove over the threshold, knowing I’d just begun the metamorphosis.

  At first I was terrified that they’d left without me. The house was eerily quiet.

  I was relieved when I heard Victoria moving around the rooms downstairs. Realizing my late arrival might go unnoticed, I quickly made my way up the back staircase to my bedroom, not knowing what to expect.

  I opened the door and drew up short, seeing Liv sitting on my made bed. My bedroom looked exactly the same as I’d left it. Nothing had been moved.

  “Oh.”

  “I didn’t mean to scare you.” She stood and walked to the center of the room. She’d showered since the hospital and changed into a long black dress, a tall contrast in the all-white room. Her feet were bare, and she was looking relaxed, like nothing had happened tonight.

  “Where were you?”

  “With Angus.”

  “They told me in the car. They said not to tell anyone else until we’ve left,” Liv said. She went over to the window seat and kneeled on the white cushion, staring out at the lake. “What did he say?” She tried to keep all emotion out of her voice, but she didn’t want me to see her expression. I noticed her light-pink nail polish had been half picked off.

  I knew what she wanted. “He said to say good-bye to you,” I lied.
r />   “I’m going to fix it.” There was bitterness in her voice.

  “Liv,” I warned.

  She cut me off. “He and I are supposed to be together. I know how that sounds….”

  “I believe you,” I said. I did believe she felt that. “I just don’t want you hurting yourself. It sounds like we’ll be confined. It could drive you crazy, wanting something so badly that’s on the other side.”

  Liv faced me, and there was a steeliness in her eyes I’d never seen before. She played with the necklace she was wearing. The small gold nugget hanging from the chain caught my eye. It looked old and was very beautiful.

  “Why did Angus do it?” she asked.

  “He’s a free spirit; I think he was scared of losing control. He was afraid he was about to be sealed in a crypt.”

  “But now we’ll have control! We’ll be in our own world instead of hiding in theirs. He was supposed to come. He will come.” I was worried at both the grief and the determination I heard in her voice. I realized out of everything of mine she’d had, the only thing she’d actually wanted was Angus.

  Angus would have been here if she hadn’t spoken out of turn about Relocation at the club. But I couldn’t help feel that if it felt so wrong to him, maybe it was better he knew ahead of time. Maybe Angus and his family would struggle forever to conceal their abilities, but at least now it was solely up to them to decide how and when to use them. I couldn’t stop looking out the window, wanting to go outside again, off the property. It was amazing what you craved once it was no longer an option.

  I realized Liv had been talking and I hadn’t been listening. My mind wasn’t in this room or on Relocation. I kept thinking of things I should have said to John.

  “Julia!” Then she gentled her voice. “Stop worrying. You’re here, aren’t you?”

  “Sorry.” I shook my head. “I’m all messed up from tonight.”

  “I am too. And I don’t want to be,” Liv said. I didn’t know if she was referring to me or Angus or both. I wouldn’t tell her the rest of what I’d heard tonight—about what Novak had tried to do to us in order to prop her up. Maybe it was misguided, but I wanted to protect her.

  “You must see me differently now,” I said, surprising myself. It was a break with my tradition of never discussing anything uncomfortable with Liv. She had blinked for just a second when I’d told her about my mother, but then, surprisingly, she’d stood by my side the rest of the night. And she was here now.

  “No. Maybe for a second, but what’s really changed? You’re my sister.”

  I took a second to make sure I had control of my voice. “Thanks, Liv.” She nodded, a little bit shy at my choking up. In some ways there was still something so pure about my sister. She hadn’t grown out of her big heart yet.

  “Look, I’m sorry about tonight and how I put you on the spot like that. I had no idea….I was really convinced about you and him. And I thought I was doing this big thing, showing everyone that you were the one who found the answer for Novak.”

  “Thanks for thinking I had that much power, Liv.”

  “It was also a way to tell you that I’ve always seen us as equals. I still do.”

  Hearing someone I loved say those words out loud fixed something that had been broken inside me for a long time. I walked over and stood next to her. I surprised her by doing something I don’t think I’d ever done. I put my arm around her and rested my head on her shoulder. She stiffened for a moment, and then laid her cheek on my hair.

  “We were put in an impossible situation once we were in different groups. I think we managed pretty well until recently,” Liv said, pulling back first.

  “We really did.”

  “I’m sorry. It was a huge mistake not standing up for you when you were sent to that school.”

  “Do not worry about it, okay? It’s over.” I made it sound like an unspeakable time to be put behind us. I imagined for a moment that I’d never gone away and never had a concept of the things I’d experienced. I would be a different person if this whole fall hadn’t happened. To me that person from last summer felt half-dead. The thought suddenly scared me. Badly.

  My eyes were tired after a night of no sleep. I didn’t like the way I was feeling—this rising panic. I didn’t know what was real and what was an irrational reaction like Angus had had.

  Liv sat back down and pulled her knees to her chest. “Do you mind if I wait in here with you?”

  The energy and momentum was picking up downstairs. We could both feel it.

  “Please.”

  “I’m scared,” she admitted.

  “Me too.” She had no idea.

  “I knew it was coming, but I have no idea what happens now or how it all goes down,” she said, glancing over her shoulder at me. “I asked my mom if I should pack anything, and she just said, ‘No. It’s all been taken care of.’”

  I quickly scanned the room for any mementos I wanted to hold or look at one last time. There weren’t any. My life here hadn’t been full of many memories worth holding on to. It was people I was leaving behind. One who understood me and one who felt like he was an actual part of me. The entire drive home, I’d been haunted by John’s vision of our future together. He was right about the first moment we saw each other at Barton Springs. I’d felt the exact same thing.

  I realized I was pacing. I felt like I couldn’t sit down with Liv, that it would be dangerous to stop moving.

  I reminded myself I wasn’t at a crossroads. This wasn’t a choice. It was my fate and it was an exceptional, privileged one. Like Lati said, I deserved to be here and I’d fought hard for it.

  “What do you know about where we’re going?” I asked.

  “I think it’s been built underground. I know there’s a large aquifer.”

  “Like a bunker?” I sounded very freaked out to my own ears. I suddenly took notice of the sunlight pouring through my windows.

  “A terrarium, I think. I don’t know the details, just that it’s a beautiful habitat. Novak said they’ve been building this for two decades. I think we’ll be completely cut off. Novak said no more outside influences. Can you imagine—no internet? Oh, Jesus. I’ll miss that. What are you going to miss? Tell me while you still can.”

  John. Angus. The world. “I don’t know. I never even imagined it would be this extreme. Music, I guess. This view. The lake. This house is the only home I’ve ever known.”

  “I love this house. We used to play hide-and-seek for hours.”

  We both smiled, remembering. Any good memories I had of my childhood were because of her.

  Liv suddenly got a sparkle in her eye. She may have been scared, but this was right for her. She was so sure of her place in this family, in their world. What was that like? I couldn’t imagine.

  “This was a great life. The next one will be so much better,” she said with confidence.

  For you it will be, I thought to myself.

  “No matter what, you and I have each other. We’ll always have each other. Right?”

  “We will,” I promised.

  “That’s the important thing. It’s more important than anything or anyone else,” Liv said.

  We were interrupted by a knock on the door. Since I didn’t move, Liv stood up and walked over to open it.

  “Liv!” I said. She turned back around. “I love you.”

  “I love you too,” she said, like it was a given.

  It was well organized. By the time all the teenagers were led to a corner section of the living room, it was almost dawn. Liv was across from me in the circle. I stood next to Paul and Cyrus, who looked just as tough as always, Lost Kids to the end.

  There was no time to talk. Each Lost Kid kept an eye trained on the entry as it grew later and later and Angus hadn’t shown. We met one another’s gaze, and silently they asked about Angus. I shook my head. I saw the disbelief. When would we stop looking around for him, thinking he was about to join us? It already felt like a spark was missing. I didn’t care wh
at they said: how would it not feel that way forever?

  We were asked for our cell phones. It was actually kind of heartbreaking—everyone scrolling through their photos one more time as fast as they could and with one last, long look, arms extended, reluctantly dropping them into an oversize Ziploc.

  I resisted the urge to look. I’d spent the whole morning trying to imprint the past on my brain, and I couldn’t do it anymore. It was my turn next to drop my phone in the bag, but I felt a tap on my shoulder.

  “Your father wants to see you,” Victoria said softly, and she began walking toward Novak’s office.

  So here it was. I had started to assume I was safe once they gathered me with the rest of the kids. I should have known this was coming. Despite what Lati said, how could it not have been? Maybe Novak had found out about my relationship with John, or that I had been responsible for making Angus jump. There were so many strikes against me, the biggest one being pure biology. I had no choice but to follow Victoria’s tall stick figure, feeling icy all over. This summons felt all too familiar. On some level it was a relief to face it.

  I walked far behind Victoria, until she turned and motioned for me to walk faster. Outside my father’s door Victoria turned to face me. Her china-doll face was arctic as always, but she seemed softer toward me than usual. She felt guilty, I realized.

  “You shouldn’t have let him do that to us. To me,” I said, openly standing up to her. “You knew I never had a problem stepping back for Liv.”

  The look in her eyes told me she knew it had been wrong. She never got the chance to reply, however, because the door opened abruptly and Novak impatiently loomed inside, making a sweeping gesture for me to enter. I paused, taken aback that his face looked so much older—like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. By the time I realized what I’d seen, his features had already rearranged themselves into his normal appearance. Victoria turned to go.

  “Victoria!” Novak said. She turned back. “Tell them I’ll meet them in the garage.” He murmured something else to her in a Spanish-sounding language I’d never heard before.

  “Please sit.” Novak closed the door behind us with just a glance. The door to Novak’s office vault was open, and for the first time ever I saw inside. The small room was empty except for a long white feather that lay on the ground.