Carry My Heart

by Cooper, J. S.

  “Enough, Jacob!” I almost screamed at him. “When I first met you, you captivated me. You came into my life suddenly and just like that my heart was done for. I was caught up in your spell. Like a tornado, you swept me up inside of you and carried me away; until I didn’t know who I was anymore. And then Jacob . . . and then, you broke my heart. You broke me into a hundred million pieces and now, now there’s nothing you can do to make it better. I don’t care if the world is black, white, or gray. I don’t care. I just know that I can’t be in a world with someone that can’t see me for who I am and what I want and need.”

  “I’m here for you now, Sage.” He reached forward to grab my hand, but I pulled away, my heart feeling like it would never be whole again.

  “When you didn’t write, I thought to myself, tomorrow, tomorrow will be the day.” I held back tears as I looked at him. “I still had hope in the beginning. I still thought I’d hear from you and then, and then—” My voice broke as I stared at him, my eyes unable to continue to look into his. The pain I’d felt swelling inside of me, taking me over. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I didn’t want was to remember.

  “And then what, Sage?” His voice sounded pained, but still, I couldn’t look into his eyes again.

  “And then I felt like I wanted to die,” I whispered. “The pain was unimaginable. You were the only one I’d ever had in my life that had ever cared about me. At least I’d thought you cared. I thought we were going to be lifetime friends.” My voice broke. “I really thought you loved me.”

  “I did love you. I do love you.”

  “You don’t know the meaning of love, Jacob.” I shook my head. “You don’t know the meaning.”

  “I’m stuck on you, Sage,” he said. “Listen to the song again, please. Listen to the words. Please.”

  “I’m leaving.” Tears started to stream down my face. I just couldn’t stop them. “Why did you come back into my life? I don’t want to deal with this.”

  “I promised you I would never leave you,” he said softly. “I’m keeping my promise. I’ve loved you for a long time. I’m not giving up now. Plus, I promised Benny.”

  “He didn’t deserve that.” I thought of Benny’s small face. “He didn’t deserve to be returned like he was some unwanted gift from the store. It wasn’t fair.”

  “I know.” He nodded. “I know.”

  “And then.” I gulped, feeling unable to breathe. “And then he got cancer and he . . .” I couldn’t speak anymore. The tears were flowing too much. All of the hurt I’d ever felt, all the pain, all the sadness, all the regret and anxiety seemed to be coming out in that moment. “He didn’t deserve to die,” I said finally.

  Jacob pulled me into his arms and I rested my head against his shoulder and sobbed. I sobbed for all the grief that had been held inside of me for so many years. I cried for Benny and I cried for me and I cried for Jacob. I cried for all the losses I didn’t understand. For all the unanswered questions.

  “He never felt love. He died, and he never had a family. He died thinking no one cared.” I sobbed.

  “No, he didn’t,” Jacob whispered in my ear as his hand rubbed my shoulder softly. “He knew you loved him, and he loved you back. He had you, Sage. That little boy loved you. He knew love, Sage. You gave him love. He died knowing love. Please don’t ever doubt that. I don’t understand life, I wish I could say I did. I don’t understand most things, but one thing I know for sure is Benny died happy. He died knowing you loved him.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered up at him and wiped my eyes. “God, I’m making a scene.” I looked around the coffee shop and I could see several eyes on me. “I have to go.”

  “I can come with you,” Jacob said quickly. “You shouldn’t be alone.”

  “No.” I took a deep breath. “I need to be alone right now. It’s been a lot these last few days. I just need to be alone.”

  “Can we start over?” Jacob asked, his voice tinged with hope. “Can we start afresh, as friends? Give me a chance? Please, Sage?”

  I was ready to say no, the word was practically jumping out of my mouth, but for some reason, I couldn’t get it out. I looked at his face and for some strange reason, I didn’t feel hate pouring through me like I usually did. I felt compassion and regret and loneliness. I didn’t know what the future had in store for Jacob and I and I didn’t want to let him back into my heart and life, but maybe, just maybe there was some middle ground that we could figure out. Thinking about Benny had reminded me that life was short and out of our control. I was willing to see what Jacob had to offer and more than anything, I just wanted to know how he could have left me and not looked back. Was I that unlovable?

  Chapter Fourteen

  Jacob

  “I don’t know about starting over. I don’t really know if that’s possible, Jacob, but we can just try and be friendly and see how it goes.” There were remnants of tears on Sage’s eyelashes and I could feel my heart aching as she offered me a brave smile. Her brown eyes, her beautiful brown eyes, radiated such a sadness, that I felt like the biggest jerk in the world.

  She wanted to know why I had never written her. She wanted to know how I could have left her behind. She thought I didn’t care. She thought I’d forgotten her. Moved on. As if that were possible. As if it could ever be possible? But how to tell her the truth? How to tell her that I, I had betrayed her in the worst way possible? How could I tell her the truth—knowing it would break her heart even more than it had been broken. Even more than she knew was possible.

  But I knew the truth. I knew that if I were to tell her the truth, she would never get over it. She would never love again. She would never have trust or faith in anyone or anything and as much as I wanted to defend myself to her, as much as I wanted her to forgive me, to understand, I knew the alternative was far, far worse.

  “That’s all I’m asking for.” I grinned at her, trying to lighten the mood. Everything between us had been way too serious. If I was ever to win her back, I needed for everything to be light and sunny. I needed to bring brightness back into her life. Remind her of why she couldn’t live without me. “I’ll take friendly over big bad monster vibes.”

  “Are you calling me a big bad monster?” She gave me a half-smile.

  “Oops, my bad, I meant small bad monster. I know, you ladies, don’t like to be called big.” I winked at her and she groaned.

  “Jacob Phillips, you really are incorrigible, you know that, right?”

  “I try my best.” I laughed and tried not to look at her luscious lips. Oh, how badly I wanted to kiss her again. I still couldn’t believe that I’d walked away from her last night. I could still taste her on my tongue. Her sweetness. Oh, how badly, I’d wanted more from her. How I’d wanted her to touch me all over. How I’d wanted to touch her all over. I was starting to get hard just thinking about her soft warm body next to mine. “Okay, so what shall we do?”

  “What do you mean?” She looked confused. “I need to go and study?”

  “I can study with you.”

  “No, you can’t.” She shook her head. “I need complete silence. And after studying, I’m meant to meet up with Nina.”

  “She must be wondering what’s going on, huh?”

  “Something like that.” Sage rolled her eyes at me and then sighed. “So yeah, I’m busy.”

  “Sounds like it.” I paused, not wanting to push it. “How about we go to dinner tonight?”

  “Dinner?” She blinked as she shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Not a date or anything,” I said quickly. “So we can discuss how this next month is going to go and stuff.”

  “I thought we already knew all that stuff?” She tilted her head to the side. “I don’t know if . . .”

  “Why don’t you invite Nina?” I said quickly before she could say no. “I’d like to get to know her better.”

  “Why?”

  “She’s your friend, right?”

  “Yes, b
ut she doesn’t really know about my past . . .” Her voice trailed off as she looked down.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Exactly what I just said,” she snapped. “Look, this isn’t a good idea.”

  “We won’t talk about the past,” I interrupted her. “We can go to an arcade and play video games and eat greasy food and drink beer and just have a laugh.”

  “I don’t know,” she said weakly, but I could tell she was wavering. Sage loved video arcade games. I’m not sure why she loved them so much because she wasn’t really good at them, but there was nothing like a good game of Mortal Kombat or Pac-Man to get her heart racing.

  “Unless you’re scared I’m going to beat you.”

  “Pfft, you wish.” She looked me directly in the eyes. “I can take you down in my sleep.”

  “You think so?” I said and grinned at her, though there were many other thoughts in my mind. I wanted to tell her that I’d love her to take me down in her sleep, in more ways than one.

  “I know so. Bring it on, Phillips,” she said and poked me in the shoulder. “And while we’re at it, we need to play some shuffleboard.”

  “That’s what I’m talking about.” As she smiled, I could feel my heart about to explode. Seeing her smile, seeing her come out of her shell, that made me happy. That was what I lived for. She was beautiful. Oh, so beautiful. And her heart was the most important thing to me. She just didn’t know it. She didn’t know how much I loved her. She didn’t know that she was my everything. “I’ll play anything you want.”

  “Are you going to invite some friends as well?” she asked. “I don’t want Nina to feel like a third wheel.” Her face turned red then. “Not that she would be a third wheel or anything. It’s not like we’re going on a date or anything. I just meant because she doesn’t really know you or anything—” She stopped abruptly. “I really have to go.”

  “I’ll invite a friend, so we can play doubles.” I gave her a small smile. I didn’t want to overwhelm her. “I’ll text you the details, yeah?”

  “Okay,” she said. I could tell that she wanted to say something else, but she didn’t continue. I stared at her long dark hair and I wanted so badly to run my fingers through her locks and play with her hair like I had back in the day, but I knew that I couldn’t. This wasn’t the right time or situation. I couldn’t just expect to do the intimate gestures that I had back when we were really close.

  “Let’s plan for around seven p.m., okay?”

  “Sounds good,” she said and then gave me a small wave. “I guess I’ll see you later?”

  “Yeah. You have the keys, right?”

  “Uh huh.” Her eyes looked huge. “I do.”

  “Bye, Sage,” I said, and I watched as she spun around with a slight nod of her head. She walked out of the coffee shop awkwardly, her head held high, but her legs moved quickly, as if she couldn’t wait to be away from me. She hadn’t hugged me. Not that I’d expected it. Well, that was a lie. Maybe a part of me had expected it. All of me had hoped for it. But it was still too soon, for her. I was barely back in her life.

  * * *

  “Josh, listen to me. Keep your hands to yourself and just play it cool, okay, man,” I lectured my friend as he sat at the bar, already chugging down his first beer.

  “You really like these chicks, huh?” Josh shrugged as he barely paid attention to me. “I mean they’re hot. That Nina, man, the tits on her.” He whistled. “I gotta admit, I don’t really know the other girl. Sascha or whatever her name is, but she’s got a nice ass. I could take her around the block a few times.”

  “Josh.” My voice was deep as I tried to contain my anger. “I’m not trying to be funny, but that sort of talk is not acceptable. You hear me?” I looked over at him and I could see he wasn’t really listening, so I stepped closer to him. I grabbed his arm and leaned down to whisper into his ear, “You speak to these girls with respect. You treat them with respect and we’ll have no problems, you hear?” I squeezed his arm a little harder for emphasis and I saw his eyes widen as he looked at me, for the first time properly.

  “Dude, chill. What’s your problem?” He pulled his arm away from me, but I could tell that he’d gotten the message. And that was the most important thing. I’d still have to keep my eye on him though. If he made one wrong move, I’d be on him.

  “You got to treat women with respect, dude. I don’t like the way you talk to or about these girls, you hear?” My voice was harsh and so I softened it to not get him too upset. He was doing me a favor after all, but I just knew that he had the potential to step over the line very quickly.

  “What the fuck? You part of the Me Too movement or something, bro? Chill the fuck out. I treat women with respect. You can’t even have sex these days without someone getting upset.” Josh seemed to be getting agitated and I could tell I’d hit a nerve. “A lot of girls like me and want me, but I don’t bang them all. I could, but I don’t.”

  “Great, just remember that with Sage and Nina as well.”

  “Whatever, dude.” Josh gave me a look like he thought I was crazy and then he chugged on more of his beer. “So, you coming to the game Sunday?” He changed the subject and his eyes lit up. “Chad told me that he got two keggers. It’s going to be lit.”

  “I’m not sure if I’ll be there.” I shook my head and tried to stop myself from looking toward the door. I was getting antsy. Where was Sage? I pulled out my phone to make sure she hadn’t canceled. I was happy to see that there were no texts from her, but my heart skipped a beat when I saw a text from Kimberly. I was about to open it when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up, and when I saw Sage standing there behind me with a small smile, I thought my heart was going to burst out of my heart right then and there. My eyes didn’t want to leave her face, but I knew I had to look away or I would look like a psycho.

  “Hi,” she said softly.

  “Hi,” I said back with a huge smile. “You made it.”

  “I made it.” She nodded.

  “I made it as well,” Nina spoke up from behind her. “And I’m in need of a drink. Who’s buying me a beer?”

  “I’ll buy you a beer.” Josh jumped up excitedly and then gave me a look and shrugged. “I mean if you really want one,” he continued, less excited, and I smiled inside.

  “I never refuse a free beer,” Nina said with a grin. “Hey there, Jacob.” She threw me a quick wave and smiled before she walked away with Josh.

  “Would you like a drink?” I asked Sage as we stood there alone. She shook her head slightly and I watched as her hair swayed back and forth gently. Her eyes looked a lighter shade of brown in the light of the room and I stared at her smattering of freckles on her cheek, covered up by a light coating of blush. She smiled at me shyly as we stood there, and I wasn’t sure if I was imagining it or if it was wishful thinking, but I felt as if there was less animosity between us. And that filled me with real hope; hope that things between us could be good.

  “I don’t think I should.” She shook her head and then paused. “But maybe I’ll have a cider. A Rekorderlig if they have any.”

  “Rekorderlig? What’s that?”

  “Just the best cider you’ll ever have in your life.” She grinned. “They’re from Sweden. They taste almost like soda, but they’re alcoholic.”

  “So you’re saying they’re sweet?”

  “Yup. Just like me.” She laughed and then stopped. She looked at me uncertainly and played with the front of her shirt. “Not that I’m saying I’m sweet or anything.”

  “You’re the sweetest thing that I’ve ever met.” I reached out and grabbed her hand; knowing that it might be a bit forward but needing to touch her in some way. My fingers held onto her fingers for a few seconds before she pulled away.

  “So yes, I’ll have a Rekorderlig, please.” Her voice sounded almost panicky and I could tell that I had pushed her back into her shell a little bit. I felt angry at myself for wanting to push our closeness too soon. I had to be more p
atient with her. I was realizing that now.

  “Okay.” I nodded, knowing not to push anything. “Do you want anything to eat?”

  “No, no thanks.” She shook her head quickly. “I’m good.”

  “You sure you don’t want some chili cheese fries?” I prodded. “I know how much you love them.”

  “I don’t love them.” She shook her head, but her eyes stared into mine with surprise. She couldn’t actually believe that I didn’t remember her likes and dislikes, couldn’t she?

  “What about chips and queso then?” I asked her, naming another one of her favorites.

  “No thanks,” she said, but this time her words were slower as if she had to convince herself to say no to me.

  “If you’re sure,” I said, with a smile. “You’re going to need lots of energy if you’re even going to come close to beating me.”

  “I don’t need food to beat you.” She winked at me. “I can beat you with my eyes closed.”

  “Those are fighting words.” I grinned at her, happy that the awkwardness was over already. “You’re so going down, Sage.”

  “I think not, Jacob Phillips.” She pointed her finger at me. “You forget I have skills that cannot be beat.”

  “How could I ever forget?” I said with a small smile. “But anyways, I’m going to get the fine lady her Rekorderlig and some fries,” I said as I walked away with my hands in the air. “I don’t want it to be said that I beat you at all the games because I starved you.”

  “I’ll beat you at all the games either way.” She laughed.

  “We’ll see,” I said and sauntered over to the bar with the biggest smile I’d had on my face in a really long time. I saw Josh and Nina standing over in the corner, flirting with each other and I walked over to them to make sure he was behaving himself. This night was for me and Sage, but I also wanted to make sure that her friend was going to be okay as well. Anyone that was important to Sage was important to me. “Hey guys, how’s it going?” I kept my tone light, though I gave Josh a piercing look to let him know that I had my eye on him.