Carry My Heart

by Cooper, J. S.

  “Of course it didn’t. He’s perfect.”

  “He’s far from perfect.”

  “I want ALL the details tomorrow.”

  “Yes, Nina.”

  I laughed as I lay back on the bed and texted her. I knew she was most probably dying to hear more information, but I just didn’t have time to tell her all the nitty gritty dirty details.

  “Bitch you better tell me everything. 1pm at Newmans?”

  “Sounds good.”

  I put my phone down on the night table before crawling under the sheets. I reached over and grabbed the remote control and turned on the small TV on his dresser. I knew that if I didn’t have something to distract me that I was going to fall asleep. And I didn’t want to fall asleep until Jacob was here in bed with me. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms. I switched the channels absentmindedly and then stopped on the Lifetime Movie Channel. There was a new movie just about to start that I thought looked like a guilty pleasure and I sank back into the pillows with a smile on my face. I was so caught up in the movie about a young lady having an affair with her best friend’s dad that I didn’t even notice that Jacob had entered the room until he was sitting down on the bed next to me.

  “What are you watching?” he asked as he stared at the screen and then groaned. “Oh no, this looks worse than a chick flick. Lifetime Movie Channel? He fell back against me and some drops of water from his hair sprayed onto my arm. “Please, no.”

  “Sh,” I said. “It’s good.” I laughed guiltily. “It’s about this girl that has gone to spend the summer with her new friends family. They just met as roommates in college and she just started having an affair with the dad and no one knows, asides from the best friend’s boyfriend.” I took a breath and laughed again at the incredulous look on Jacob’s face. “And I’m pretty sure the new friend is sleeping with the best friend’s boyfriend as well.”

  “I think I just died inside a little bit,” he said as he adjusted himself and got under the covers next to me. “Please tell me you’re not actually enjoying that rubbish?”

  “It’s so good.” I placed a finger on his lips as I snuggled up into his chest. “I don’t want to miss anything,” I said as I stared at the screen again. I could feel his heart beating underneath me and I ran my fingers up and down his chest as I watched the film. “Oh my God, I told you they were sleeping together,” I said five minutes later as the boyfriend snuck into the best friend’s room and they started making out. I looked over at Jacob to see what he had to say, but his eyes were closed and he’d already fallen asleep. I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and then went back to the screen to try and finish watching the movie. However, the sun and the sex had worn me out too much and within ten minutes, I found myself drifting off to sleep.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Sage

  “You are so beautiful to me.” Jacob’s warm voice singing in the room woke me up and I yawned as I stretched under the sheets. “Good morning, sleepy head.”

  “Ugh.” I looked at the clock on the wall. “It’s nearly noon. I can’t believe I slept so late.”

  “You were tired. You had a pretty exhausting day yesterday,” he said and walked toward me. “I was thinking I could take you to lunch.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “Not today. I told Nina I’d meet her,” I said and then added. “And you can’t come because we’re having girl talk.”

  “Ha ha, does that mean you’ll be talking about me?”

  “Maybe,” I said with a small smile. “And I have a class after that and then I’ll be in the library studying.” I groaned as I thought about all the work I had to catch up on. “It’s going to be a long night.”

  “Want to study together?” he asked hopefully.

  “Nope.” I grinned at him as I slid out of bed. “I don’t think we’ll get much studying done.”

  “What if I promise not to kiss you or touch your boobies until we got home.” He walked over to me as I went to the closet to find some clothes. “I promise,” he said as he grabbed me around the waist and kissed me on the neck.

  “Jacob,” I sighed slightly as his hands moved up to my breasts and caressed them, turning me on and making me not want to leave. “There’s no way that you’re going to be able to resist me.” I laughed and pushed him away. “Stop, Jacob, we can’t do anything right now. I promised Nina I’d meet her for lunch and I can’t be late.”

  “What if I promise to be fast?” he asked and grinned, and we both just stood there laughing for a few seconds as we both knew that fast was what neither of us wanted right now. The doorbell rang then and I looked at him in surprise. I watched as his entire body stilled and his face almost seemed to turn gray. His whole demeanor had changed and he stepped away from me suddenly as if he’d been shot.

  “Who’s that?” I asked him, my body suddenly feeling cold.

  “I don’t know,” he said, but he couldn’t look me in the eyes as he spoke. “Most probably a stranger. A wrong door or something?”

  “You think?” I frowned. “You want to go and check.”

  “No.” He shook his head as the doorbell rang again.

  “I think you should go and check and see who it is., I said. “Obviously this person thinks they have the right address.”

  “Fine,” he said after a few seconds. “Stay here.”

  “Why would I stay here?” I said and grabbed a sweater and sweatpants quickly so I could follow him to the front door. Why didn’t he want me to be seen?

  “Please, Sage,” he said and the person rang the doorbell again. “God dammit.” He sounded angry as he headed to the front door and I heard him muttering something under his breath.

  “Please, Sage, what?” I said as I ran after him. “I’m confused. What’s going on, Jacob?”

  “Nothing,” he said as he swung the door open. Standing outside the door with her hand outstretched was a blond girl that looked to be around our age. Her hair was stringy and it looked like it was bleached. She had a pretty face, but a lot of makeup on. She was wearing tight blue jeans and a T-shirt that read, “Bad bitches are the best bitches.” I stared at her for a few seconds as we all stood there in silence.

  “Well what do we have here?” she asked, a sly smile coming over her face as she looked me up and down and then looked at Jacob. “Hello, Jacob.”

  “Kimberly,” he said her name with real distaste, but she didn’t seem to notice. I felt my heart sinking as he said her name. So this was Kimberly.

  “Aren’t you going to greet me properly?” she asked as she walked into the apartment. She reached her arms out and I watched as Jacob gave her a small hug. My heart froze as I watched her kiss him directly on the lips. Even though he pulled away immediately, it meant something that she felt confident to even go in for the kiss.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked her, his tone angry.

  “Is that any way to talk to me?” She reached up and ran her fingers down his cheek. “I have been calling and texting you, dear Jacob.”

  “You can’t just show up like this.”

  “I’m Kimberly,” she said as she turned away from him and looked me up and down. “You are?”

  “Sage., I said, my tone sharper than I’d intended it to be, but I didn’t like this girl. Not one little bit.

  “Sage, huh?” She cocked her head to the side. “You look more like parsley or dill to me.” She laughed at her stupid joke and then ran her hands through her hair. “I’m hungry. What’s for lunch?”

  “Kim.” Jacob’s tone held a warning. “You need to leave.”

  “I don’t think so,” she said and turned back to look at him. “Is that any way to treat me, my dear?”

  “Kim.”

  “Yes, Jakey poo.” She sighed dramatically. “I’ve missed you, though it looks like you haven’t missed me at all.” She pouted. “Men! You just can’t trust them can you?”

  “Kim.” He stepped toward her. “What do you want?”

  “You haven’t been back
home to visit in ages. I’ve missed you.” She laughed. “Well certain parts of you more than others.” She ran her fingers down his chest and I wanted to slap her. “Still looking as fine as ever.”

  “Jacob, who is this?” I asked him, not able to stop myself. This was just as bad as I thought it was going to be. Actually, it was worse. The pain and jealousy coursing through me was an unfamiliar emotion and one that I’m glad that I’d never experienced before.

  “She’s no one.”

  “Am I really no one, Jacob?” She sighed dramatically. “I thought I was special to you.”

  “Kimberly, you need to leave.” His voice was gruff. “I’m not putting up with this. There’s a reason why you haven’t heard back from me.”

  “So did he tell you he’s the sort of guy that likes to hit it and quit it.” Kimberly walked up to me, her eyes shooting darts of venom as she stared into my eyes. “I hope you don’t go falling for him and all his lies. He’s no good. He’ll just break your heart.”

  “I’m warning you, Kimberly. We’re not going to have this conversation.”

  “Jacob,” I said, my voice steely. “What’s going on here?”

  “Yes, Jacob why don’t you tell her everything?” She looked back at him and as I stared at her, I hated her a little less. I could tell from her tone and her stare that this was a girl who had also experienced heartbreak. Had it been at the hands of Jacob as well.

  “Kimberly and I had a brief dalliance,” he said as he walked up to me and grabbed my hands. “Please, Sage, I can explain later.”

  “A brief dalliance?” she said and cackled like a witch. “Is that what you call fucking for two months?”

  “Kimberly,” Jacob shouted and I felt all of the happiness in me seep away. Every last ounce. So this was his ex? It pained me to think that they had been intimate together. Why hadn’t he waited for me? Why couldn’t he have just done the honorable thing and written me back and waited for me? How could he have done this, and with her?

  “What?” she shouted back at him. “Shouldn’t your precious Sage know everything?”

  “I’m warning you, Kimberly.” His tone was piercing and he grabbed her arm. “You need to leave, now.”

  “Did you tell her how we met?” She laughed and looked at me. The expression on my face must have been shell-shocked because she started laughing even harder. “Oh she doesn’t know anything about me, does she?” She walked toward me. “You know none of the sordid details.”

  “I have no idea who you are.”

  “I know all about you, Sage Weston from Little Kitty Orphanage,” she said softly as she stared at my face and her eyes flickered over my entire body. “You’re not as pretty as I’d thought you’d be.”

  “Jacob told you about me?” I swallowed hard. Why would he tell a girl he was sleeping with about me?

  “I know all about you,” she said and then she paused and looked back at Jacob. “Don’t I, Jacob?” She started humming “Stuck on You,” by Lionel Richie and then paused to look at me. “He used to sing this song every night.” She rolled her eyes. “Like some love-sick puppy.”

  “Kimberly.”

  “Why don’t you just tell her, Jacob? If you love her so much. Shouldn’t you be honest?”

  “Honest about what?” I shouted this time. “What aren’t you telling me, Jacob?”

  “Sage,” he pleaded with me, his eyes bleak. “Please.”

  “Sage, please,” Kimberly mocked him. “You sound pathetic.” She rolled her eyes and then turned to me. “It’s about our parents.”

  “Your parents?” I blinked at her. “What do you mean?”

  “I said our parents,” she said with a small smile that almost seemed gleeful. “Didn’t Jacob tell you he had a sister?”

  “You’re his sister?” I stared at them both in shock. This had to be a joke. This was absolutely disgusting. Kimberly just stared at me laughing, and as all the blood drained from my face, I turned to Jacob. “Is this true, Jacob? Is this why you haven’t wanted to tell me anything about the past?”

  He just stared at me for a few seconds and I could see the light falling from his eyes as he just nodded. I felt my whole body slumping forward before I ran to the bedroom and slammed the door shut behind me. The best moment of my life had turned into the worst moment of my life in less than twenty-four hours. I started sobbing as soon as I hit the bed. The tears wouldn’t stop falling and I wasn’t sure how I’d ever be able to look at Jacob again.

  * * *

  “So, I know it’s gross and all that,” Nina said as she handed me a slice of pizza. I was curled up on the couch in our living room and I took the slice from her, even though I wasn’t hungry. “But it’s not like they’re blood, right?” she said her nose wrinkling. “And from what Jacob said, they don’t even technically have the same parents. The couple that adopted him was recently married. It was a second marriage for Kimberly’s mom and Kimberly actually lived with her dad and was only there certain weekends and summers.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” I said as I cringed at the thought of Jacob and Kimberly together in any way. “He chose her over me. He wanted her over me. I don’t even care that they have a weird-ass family connection. I mean, yes I care, but it’s not as bad as it could be. It’s just all of it together. He dropped me for her. I can never forgive him for that.”

  “He doesn’t even seem to like her though,” Nina said and bit her lip. “I think he really cares about you, Sage. Maybe he was young and dumb, but he realized his mistake. I mean, he called me right away to come and pick you up to take care of you.”

  “So he could be with her,” I said bitterly.

  “I don’t think so,” she said and sighed. “Look there are plenty of shitty guys out there. Trust me, I know. I’ve met and dated most of them, but he doesn’t strike me as one of the bad ones.”

  “Well, I guess you can just never be one hundred percent sure then,” I said as I took a small bite of my pizza. Tears were still streaming out of my eyes; albeit at a much slower rate than before. I thought about Kimberly and Jacob being together and it just tore me up all over again. It still didn’t really make sense to me though. I mean why hadn’t he written? Initially, it couldn’t have been because of her? It just couldn’t be possible. I just didn’t believe that he could have slept with her as soon as he’d gotten to his new home. That wasn’t my Jacob. That wasn’t the guy I knew. I knew that with all my heart. I knew him. I knew the boy he was when he left the orphanage.

  “What are you thinking?” Nina asked me as I put the pizza back in the box. “You have a look on your face.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You have a determined look on your face,” she said and reached over and wiped away the tears on my cheeks. “Also, I’m sorry about your childhood,” she said softly as she stared at me with a sad expression. “That must have been really hard.”

  “It was hard.” I nodded, and my heart was filled with love for her as I heard the sincerity in her voice. Nina was a good friend. A really good friend. Perhaps the best girl friend I’d ever had in my life. I’d been blessed to have met her. “To be honest, I always felt so empty inside. I felt like I had nothing and no one for so long. My entire life I had a shell around me. Well, that’s not true. In the beginning, in the beginning, I had hope. I really thought I’d be adopted. I really thought my mom or dad would come and get me. That they couldn’t live without me.

  Every day I woke up and thought to myself, today is the day. Today is the day that one of them will show up to take me away. Take me home. Love me. How could they not love me? I was their blood. I just wanted to be loved. But they never came and I wasn’t the only one in the orphanage.

  There were so many of us, the unlovables, is what I called us.” I felt my breath catch as tears threatened to start up again. “And then Jacob started knocking down my wall, slowly, but surely. He became my acquaintance and then my friend and there was nothing I could do to turn him off. Nothing. I was
mean to him and I was hurtful and I did everything I could to get him to leave me alone because I was scared, but he always persisted. And then I let him in and he became my best friend. My greatest love. My confidant. My everything. He knew the pain in my heart and he was there to wipe away all my tears. And he did everything he could to make me happy, to make me laugh. And he gave me hope again. He gave me hope that I wasn’t unlovable. And then he left. And he promised. He promised he would never forget me. But he did. He left and it was as if I’d never existed.”

  “But he came back for you, Sage. He came back.”

  “Why though?” I took a deep breath. “I’m so sad and I’m so angry. Why did he have to come back into my life? I hate him.”

  “You don’t hate him,” Nina said softly and I nodded.

  “No, I don’t hate him.” I sighed deeply. “I don’t understand. I still don’t understand.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t think the reason he didn’t write is because of Kimberly.” I bit down on my lower lip. “It doesn’t make sense.”

  “So why would he say it was?” she said, her eyes curious. “Didn’t you say that she was almost eager to bring up the fact that they had the same parents?”

  “Yes.” I nodded. “Maybe she knew that the perverseness of it all would shock me, but I just feel like there’s something else.”

  “Why would he make you believe that that was it though?”

  “I don’t know.” I shook my head and fell back. “It doesn’t make any sense and if he doesn’t trust me enough to tell me then it doesn’t matter anyway. He won’t tell me. Whatever it is, he doesn’t care about me enough to let me in.”

  “Maybe he’s scared.”

  “Scared of what?”

  “Maybe he’s scared that whatever he has to tell you will turn you off so badly that you won’t even have fond memories of him at all, anymore.” Nina shrugged. “I don’t know. Just maybe, you know?”

  “I don’t know,” I said but then a burst of energy filled me and I jumped up. “I don’t know, but I’m going to find out.”