Carry My Heart

by Cooper, J. S.

  “Oh?” Nina looked at me in shock. “What’s going on?”

  “I’m fed up with being sad and depressed over this,” I said defiantly. “I’ve lived most of my life sad and depressed and lonely. I’m not going to cry over this. I want answers. I need answers. And I deserve answers. Jacob deserves to give me answers. He can’t just treat me like this. He can’t just tell me he loves me. Make me believe he loves me and then just let me walk out of his life because he’s scared I can’t accept the truth. That’s bullshit. He’s full of bullshit. I’m not going to put up with it.”

  “You go, girl.” Nina looked surprised at my outburst. “You sure you’re okay to go and see him now?”

  “Oh hell yeah.” I nodded. “He thinks he can just saunter in my life, create some stupid bet and that I’m just going to be some wallflower. I want answers.”

  “Yes, girl!” Nina jumped up. “You deserve some real answers.”

  “I deserve some real answers,” I shouted as I ran into my room to grab my handbag and car keys. “I’m going back over to his place.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” She looked at me uncertainly.

  “I’m fine.”

  “And what about Kimberly?”

  “She’s just a bitch,” I said. “I don’t care about her or their past. I just want to know the truth. The full truth.”

  “Good girl,” Nina said and she walked over to give me a hug. She held me to her tightly. “And, girl, no matter what happens, I will be here. I will be here waiting for you, okay?”

  “Okay,” I said and hugged her tightly. “Thank you, Kimberly. I love you.”

  “I love you too, Sage. You’re like a sister to me,” she said, her voice tinged with sadness. And for a few seconds, I wondered why she sounded so nostalgic. A part of me wanted to stay here with her and figure out why she sounded so sad, but I wanted to capitalize on my newly found energy to confront Jacob.

  “I’ll call you, okay,” I said as I stepped away from her. “I’ll call you and let you know what happened.”

  “You better,” she said and then pushed me toward the door. “Go and get your answers, girl!! You got this.”

  “Thank you,” I said as I ran out the door with my heart thudding. I wanted the answers, but a part of me was really nervous. What if he told me and I regretted what he had to say? I only hoped that he didn’t tell me that he had never loved me. That would kill me. That would actually kill me.

  Chapter Twenty

  Jacob

  The apartment felt cold and silent without Sage there with me. I sat on the couch with a beer in one hand and a box of letters in my other hand. All of the letters that Sage had sent me were in one bundle and all the letters I’d written back to her and never sent were in the next bundle. I stared at the letters feeling like I’d lost everything in the world. Yesterday had been so wonderful and Sage had been so open and loving and I’d lost everything. Thanks to Kimberly. Though I knew Kimberly was not really the one at fault. I knew she’d be trouble. She’d always been trouble, but I knew she had her own issues. And I knew I’d hurt her when she’d realized I would never love her. We’d bonded one summer over alcohol and we’d hooked up, only because I’d thought I would never see Sage again. It had been a mistake and I’d never had any feelings for her, but I knew that that wasn’t her fault. I knew she’d come to cause trouble because she wanted to hurt me. She knew the truth about my situation with Sage and she knew how damaging the real truth would be. She knew that by coming here, she would hurt me. She wanted revenge because she had felt used. She’d seen a photo Josh had posted on Facebook of Sage and I at the party and she’d added up two and two. She’d known that the Sage in the photo was the Sage of my childhood. She’d known and she’d come to do damage, and it had worked even better than she’d hoped. And there was nothing I could do. I could never tell Sage the truth. I’d rather her think I was some sort of sick bastard than to have her know the real secret I was keeping from her. I picked up the bundle of letters that Sage had sent me and I was about to start reading them when the doorbell rang. I sat there for a few seconds, not wanting to move. I didn’t want to have to deal with Kimberly again. Not right now. I just didn’t have the energy, but the doorbell just kept on ringing.

  “What do you want?” I shouted as I opened the door finally. “Oh.” My heart jumped as I saw a red-faced Sage standing there staring at me. Her eyes looked swollen from all of her crying, but she still looked like the most beautiful woman that I’d ever seen in my life. “Hi,” I said simply, for once in my life, not knowing what else to say.

  “Hi,” she said, not smiling. “Can I come in?”

  “Yes,” I said and waved her in. She walked in slowly and then closed the door behind her.

  “I’d like to talk to you,” she said so formally that I wondered if we would ever be able to be friends again.

  “Okay,” I said and headed toward the living room. I quickly grabbed up the box full of letters to hide them, but I was too slow to hide them from her view.

  “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes falling to the bundles of letters.

  “The letters you sent me,” I mumbled.

  “You kept them?”

  “Of course,” I said, staring at her intently. How could she even think that her letters hadn’t meant the world to me?

  “There are a lot of letters in the box.”

  “Yes.” I nodded, not wanting her to know that I’d replied to all of her letters and kept them as well.

  “Let me see,” she said and picked up one of the bundles and looked at the top envelope. “This is addressed to me,” she said, a confused expression on her face. “Are all these letters to me?’

  I just nodded without speaking.

  “But you never sent them.” Her eyes stared into mine. “You wrote to me and you never sent any of them. You kept my letters and you didn’t forget me.” She spoke, but I knew she wasn’t looking for me to answer. “Why Jacob? Why didn’t you send them to me? I just don’t understand.”

  “I just didn’t, okay.” She was making this hard. I had to remember why I was doing this, even though I so badly wanted to tell her. I was doing this for her. I was doing this because I loved her more than I loved myself. I was doing this because her heart mattered to me more than my own.

  “No, Jacob. It’s not okay.” Her voice got louder. “I know you think I’m some weeping lily or something. But I want to know what the hell is going on here. I’m not leaving until I get some answers.”

  “What?” My eyes widened as she shouted at me. This was a Sage I’d never seen before.

  “What the fuck, Jacob. You’re making me so bloody mad. I could scream. I could bloody scream right now. I can’t take this anymore. I’ve been patient. I’ve tried to respect your wishes, but I need to know what the hell is going on. I’ve had enough, you hear me. Enough. I don’t know why you won’t tell me, but let me tell you this. You’re going to bloody tell me, okay. You owe me this. You owe me.” She burst into tears then, but she reached forward and grabbed me by the top of my T-shirt. “Do you understand me, Jacob? Do you understand me?”

  “Yes,” I said and as I stared at the pain in her eyes and the heartache in her voice, I knew I had to tell her. I had to tell her. I was scared. I was scared that I was going to ruin her life. I was scared that she’d hate me. I was scared that she’d never get over what I had to say, but I knew in that moment that I could no longer hide the truth from her. I had to tell her. I didn’t want to, but I had to. “I’ll tell you, Sage,” I said softly. “I’ll tell you.” And I sat on the couch and patted the seat next to me so she could sit down. She needed to be sitting down for this news.

  “Thank you,” she said simply and she just stared at me expectantly. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead as I got ready to tell her the words that I’d never wanted to share with her.

  “So, when my parents died, my dad had a life insurance policy,” I started. “It was fi
ve million dollars, but I was unable to touch it until I became eighteen. A legal guardian could control it to pay for me, but the State had no access to it.” I stared at her face as I spoke to see how she was going to react. “I didn’t know this until I was adopted.” I sighed. “I was picked up that day and taken back to my new home and as soon as I arrived, everything felt off. My new dad and mom were high fiving like they’d just won the lottery.”

  “Oh, Jacob,” she said sincerely, her eyes looking sad. “I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I didn’t feel invested in them, so I wasn’t dreadfully hurt.” I sighed and then I looked away from her. “That night as I was getting ready for bed. I heard them talking in the bedroom and I heard my new dad talking about how life was so ironic; he’d given up one piss-poor kid to the orphanage and gotten an upgraded deluxe version to take home. He was drunk and most probably high, but his words made me start to wonder what he was talking about.”

  “What was he talking about?” she whispered, her eyes wide. I reached forward and held her hands in mine and took a deep breath.

  “He was your dad, Sage. I found out that he was your biological dad. He and your mom broke up when they found out she was pregnant. She gave you up and ended up going off with a truck driver and he knew the whole time that you were at the orphanage.”

  “And he didn’t come for me?” she said, her face pale.

  “He didn’t want kids.”

  “But he adopted you?”

  “Yes, for the money.” I watched her face become twisted with pain and my heart broke. “I’m so sorry, Sage. I didn’t want to tell you, I didn’t want you to ever know. I know how badly you’d hoped your parents would come for you. I know how badly you wanted to believe that they were out there looking for you, loving you and not knowing how to find you. I know how badly you wanted to believe that there was a reason why you were left there and I didn’t want you to ever know. I didn’t want you to ever think that you were unlovable. I didn’t want you to hate me because your real dad adopted me. As soon as I found out, I knew I couldn’t stay in contact with you. I knew it would break you. When I first met you, you were in a shell, you were so heartbroken, so fragile. Your parents did that. I couldn’t let them break you again. I didn’t want them to have any power over you. And I knew that if you knew that they were there the whole time, well I knew it would break you all over again.”

  “My dad adopted you?” she said, her voice emotionless as she stared at me blankly. I could see her processing everything. “My biological dad adopted you from the same orphanage I was at and he knew I was there?”

  I just nodded at her, feeling empty inside. Had I broken her forever? Would she ever get over this?

  “How much of your money did he get?” she asked me softly. The question surprised me.

  “Not much,” I said. “Who knew the State had such good lawyers.”

  “So, he adopted you hoping to get your money and he ended up with nothing.”

  “Nothing, but bitterness,” I said with a small nod of my head, thinking back to the horrible man that had taken me in, only to turn on me once he’d realized he’d get nothing from me. I thought of the nights he’d gotten drunk and beaten me with his fists and belt. The nights when he’d cursed everyone out. The nights I was glad he had never kept Sage. But I didn’t tell her that. I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me. This wasn’t about me. This was about her.

  “And my mom, she left with a truck driver to go somewhere?” She repeated back my words to me and I nodded. “And you didn’t want to tell me because you were worried it would all break me?”

  “Yes.” I pursed my lips. “I’m so sorry, Sage.” I closed my eyes, unable to look at her. Unable to stop the worry and stress from seeping out of my every pore. I couldn’t look at her because I was scared to see the hate in her eyes.

  “Oh my darling, Jacob,” she said so sweetly and softly that my eyes flew open as she pulled me into her arms. “Oh my darling, darling, Jacob.” She shook her head. “I love you. I love you for loving me so much. I love you for caring about me more than anyone else in the whole wide world. I love you for being you. You’re the most beautiful, wonderful, human being in the world,” she said as she kissed my forehead and my cheeks. “But you stupid, stupid man, I cannot believe you didn’t write me because of that.” She stroked my cheek gently. “I understand why, trust me, my dear, I understand. Yes, it would have broken me, yes, I would have been hurt, but I would have been okay because I had you. Don’t you know that you became my everything? You fixed my heart, Jacob. My parents, they broke me. But you healed me. You made me whole and they could never damage that part of me, Jacob. Oh, I love you so much for wanting to protect me, but I’m so mad at you. I’m not a delicate flower, Jacob. I’m not going to wilt up and die. Not from news like that.”

  “What are you saying?” I asked, my heart exploding with hope and love. Was she okay? “Do you forgive me?”

  “There is nothing to forgive, Jacob. Don’t you understand? You’re not responsible for my parents’ actions and honestly, I understood a long time ago that they weren’t ever going to be the loving parents that I’d hoped would come back for me. You’re the one that made me believe that I was more than my parents love. You were the one that made me believe that life wasn’t based on how much they cared for me or not. Yes, it stings, yes, it hurts, but it won’t sink me. It would weigh me down but nothing could weigh me down more than losing you.”

  “You could never lose me, Sage. I love you forever and ever. I’ve loved you from the first moment I saw you and I’ll love you until the moment I die. And when I die, I’ll love you from my grave. And my love will continue on for eternity.”

  “I love you, Jacob,” she whispered in my ear. “I love you so much that there’s nothing you could ever say or do that would make me stop loving you. Absolutely nothing. So you best not ever keep anything from me again. Do you hear me?”

  “I hear you,” I said, hardly believing the words that were coming out of her mouth. “I feel like a bit of a fool now,” I said sheepishly. “If I’d know that you would have reacted like this I would have told you a long time ago.”

  “I’m not going to tell you off again.” She laughed slightly and then gave me a small kiss. “But yes, you should have told me a long time ago.” And with that, she pressed her tongue into my mouth and kissed me so passionately and deeply that I could think of nothing but touching her all over and melding her body into mine.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Sage

  “I guess we just can’t control love, can we?” I said, almost giddily, still unable to believe that we were here in this moment. So in love and so happy. I reached over and played with his hair with one hand, while my other hand trailed down the hair on his naked chest.

  “What do you mean?” he asked, gazing at me tenderly, holding onto my hand as if he never wanted to let it go.

  “I just think that it’s miraculous.” I touched the side of his face, loving the feel of his skin on my fingers. I leaned forward to kiss him softly and then continued. “Love. It happened somewhere between our first inside joke and your first frown. The way you told me off for not taking your advice while still doing everything you could to make sure I was okay.” I grinned at him. “Our love never stopped. It happened when you didn't want it. When I didn’t want it. It just never left us and it somehow grew and grew. Somehow it grew on the way to ever after and even after we’d been through hell, it persisted. Love. It happened even when you pushed me away. I couldn't erase you from my thoughts and my life and you couldn’t forget me.” My breath caught as I thought about the enormity of our situation. “Love. It’s what will always draw us together. And what will always keep us together. It’s just so powerful.”

  “Yes,” he whispered in my ear. “Our love is so powerful. I’ve always known that you were mine. From the first time I saw your smile, I smiled. The first time I heard you laugh, I laughed. The first time you touched
my hand, my fingers grasped for yours. The first time you kissed me, my world caught on fire. The first time I knew I loved you was the first time I knew what life meant. And the first time I lost you, I almost died . . .” His voice drifted off. “I never want to lose you, Sage. I couldn’t live without you. You’re my world.”

  “Just make sure that you never keep any more secrets from me,” I said. “Even if you think I don’t want to know. Even if you think it will hurt me.”

  “I won’t. I promise.”

  “Good,” I said with a smile. “You know what we should do?”

  “What?” he asked with a devious sexy smile as he played with my naked breast. “And you need to give me five more minutes.”

  “No silly.” I laughed at him. “We should start writing each other letters again. For all those years we missed out on.”

  “More letters?” He made a face and groaned before pulling me to him and kissing me hard. “Just joking. I’d love to write you more letters, Sage Weston. I think I’d like to keep writing you letters for the rest of my life. You’re my everything. You’re my life. You’re my heart. I’ve carried you in my heart since the first moment I met you and I will continue on carrying you in my heart forever.”

  Thank you for reading Carry My Heart. I hope you enjoyed the book. Please leave a review or feel free to email me at jscooperauthor@gmail.com. I love to hear from readers. Please join my newsletter mailing list for updates on new books. I’m thinking of writing and sending out a bonus epilogue to my mailing list!

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  J. S. Cooper