“Don’t you think they’re keeping me awake, too? But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s that I can’t let where I come from dictate who I end up being. Not in that way. I can’t let it make me live my life in fear, but I can use the shit I went through to make me a better person. There’s no way I’ll make it through the world if I let fear override every bit of happiness I’ve ever had,” I stop for a second. “Whitney makes me happy, Trev, and I think I make her happy, too.”
“I know you do. Dad was right; she was lit from the inside out when I saw her yesterday. She hasn’t looked that light, that carefree in years. And you – you’re not carrying around the tension you always seem to be tight with either. You’ve stopped taking everything so seriously. Except on the raids. I’ve noticed when we do summons or raids, or whatever, you make sure your vest is on, you make sure you’re careful. Anything else, you’re laughing more, frowning less. Happiness looks great on the both of you, and I don’t want to spoil it or ruin it,” he finishes. “But I also don’t want either of you to get hurt.”
“There are no guarantees in life, both of us know that,” I wonder if what I say next will piss him off or be the olive branch he’s been wanting extended in his direction. “But if push comes to shove and I do have to protect her, you’re the only other person I would want at my side. Don’t let this come between us.”
It takes a minute, but he turns to me, a sly smile on his face. “The part of me that’s not her brother is the one saying this. Holy shit, Renegade, you tapped the one girl you’ve always wanted to tap. How did that feel?”
“Probably the same way it felt when you tapped Blaze,” I laugh, because this is my friend, this is the guy I’ve gone to war and come back home with. He’s the dude that let me sleep on his floor and didn’t tell me I was a pussy when I would cry about my parents as a kid. This is my brother.
“Pretty damn good then,” he grins back over at me. “Now the part of me that is her brother is going to tell you this once, and that’s it. You treat her like Stephen did, you break her heart, you make her cry? I’ll break your face. You’ll be wearing a lot more than the bruise you’re sporting today. I don’t even care how pretty that face is.”
He holds his hand out for a shake. I return the gesture. “You have my word. I’m not going to screw up something I’ve wanted my whole damn life.”
“Good to hear it. Now we know where we both stand.”
Whitney
Ryan’s not coming over tonight, he has some stuff he has to take care of at his apartment and a few orders he has to fill for his woodworking business. I know he takes orders now and then, but what I really want to do is see what he does in person. He’s very shy about it though, and I’m not sure he ever shows it to anyone.
I hadn’t realized before tonight how much I enjoy having Ryan around. The house is too quiet, and I’m not used to being by myself after six o’clock at night. Normally he’s gone and grabbed clothes, dinner, or whatever, and he’s already here. We’re usually trying to figure out what we’re going to do for the night, or we’re stealing kisses in the guise of watching TV.
I’m lying on my couch, flipping through the TV channels, and bored out of my mind when my doorbell rings. Knowing it’s not Ryan, I don’t necessarily rush to answer it, but when I fling back the door and see Trevor, my palms go sweaty.
“Mind if I come in?” He’s still wearing his uniform, and for some reason that makes him seem vulnerable to me.
“Sure,” I open the door the rest of the way.
“I had a talk with Ryan today,” he rushes right into whatever it is he wants to talk about. “And I won’t say I’m a hundred percent there with the two of you right now, but I’m close. I just need to hear what you have to say.”
There’s been moments where I’ve been laid bare before my brother. He’s seen me in some dark instances where I know he’ll never speak of them again. I know once he has answers to his questions, he’ll be okay. I clear my throat. “What do you want to know?”
“Did he take advantage of you?” He has a seat on my couch, pulling the man-bun he keeps his hair in out. “It’s something that’s been nagging at me since yesterday. Did he take advantage of you feeling low?”
I have a seat next to him, envious of the hair he has. I always have been. He could be a model, he’s dead ringer for that Jax Teller guy on Sons of Anarchy. “No,” I think back to that night, feeling a little thrill at the way things had gone down. “If anything, I took advantage of him. I’m just going to be honest with you, Trev. I was drunk, horny, and feeling sorry for myself. You know my marriage with Stephen, especially towards the end, wasn’t anything to write home about. I asked Ryan to give me all the things I’d always wanted and never had,” I shrug. “He did.”
“He didn’t mistreat you? Wasn’t rough with you? Didn’t do anything you didn’t want to do?” I can see the worry in his eyes, and I know this isn’t about his friend, it’s about his sister.
“He only got as rough with me as I asked him to,” I answer truthfully. “I told you it’s not something you want to hear about, but it’s true. Ryan did nothing out of the way and if it’s anybody’s fault I’m pregnant, it’s mine. I told him I couldn’t have kids.”
“Because that’s what the fucker you were married to made you believe,” he growls, cracking his knuckles loudly.
I realize now that yes, he did make me believe that. He made me believe a lot of things, and I can’t help but send up a little prayer, thanking God for getting me out of that nasty situation. “It’s true, he made me believe a lot and I was naïve enough to take at his word. Luckily for all of us, Ryan’s showing me not all men are like him.”
“Ryan’s a good one,” Trevor agrees, reaching over to grab my hand. “If I trust you with anyone, it’s him. I just had to know…ya know?”
“I get it, I really do.”
I take his hand and put it to my stomach. “I can kinda feel the baby move around in there sometimes, and I feel it now. Can you?”
His brows pull together in concentration and then I see a wide smile break out across his face. “Oh my god, that’s such a strong kick. You’ve got a punter for Alabama in there,” he laughs.
“We find out in three weeks when I go to the doctor. They couldn’t get me in before the first week of August.”
“That’s why Ryan asked off? He never asks off.”
I reach over, giving my brother a hug. “He’s a good guy who’s one thousand percent here for this pregnancy. Please don’t make this any harder on us than it has to be.”
His hand grips my stomach again. “I won’t. Please keep me in the loop and let me know what gender I need to be buying stuff for. I’m excited for you, Sis, don’t ever think I wasn’t.”
“I didn’t, but I’m glad to know I have your blessing. It does mean the world to me.”
He hugs me again before he gets up, walking towards my door.
“Maybe one day you’ll have this with that girl you’ve told me about.”
A wistful look comes into his eyes as he opens the door. “You never know, crazier shits happened. I mean, look at you.”
I throw my pillow at him as he shuts the door quickly, waving goodbye.
Left alone with my thoughts, I go down the hallway to the empty room in my house I’ve always wanted to use for a nursery. I can’t wait to find out what we’re having so I can start decorating, but I feel restless right now.
Grabbing all the stuff I use to plan weddings, I sit down in the middle of the empty room, spending the next few hours on designing the perfect boy’s room and the perfect girl’s room.
Hopefully Ryan will go along with what I’ve picked, but knowing what I do about him now, I know it won’t be too hard to work my feminine wiles and convince him of almost anything.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Whitney
August
“Thanks for picking me up,” I lean in, buckling my lap band, kissing Ry
an on the cheek.
I’d had a meeting with a client at The Café in town, and instead of driving two cars, I’d had Trevor drop me off on his way to work and gotten Ryan to pick me up. Today, we get to find out what our baby is going to be.
“Like you had to ask me twice to pick you up? You’re vibrating with excitement,” he laughs as he eases his truck into traffic, putting his arm around my shoulders.
“I’m so excited, I could barely sleep last night. It was bad enough you weren’t there,” I put my hand on his thigh as we drive through downtown. Even though it’s almost noon, it’s not yet bustling with activity.
“Well, trust me, working the night shift last night sucked. I don’t like riding with Ace as much as I like riding with Tank, but luckily it was a slow night either way. I had trouble sleeping last night, too,” he indicates the back seat of the crew cab. “Totally packed a bag for tonight. I don’t like sleeping away from you.”
I curl against him in the truck, inhaling deeply. I love his scent, it’s all over my sheets and I slept with his pillow tucked into my arms last night. There’s something about the scent that makes me feel safe, loved, and sexy all at the same time. “I don’t either, I’m glad you packed it. Maybe you could pack all your stuff up and move it over sometime.”
He inhales loudly. “Are you shitting me, Whit?”
“No,” I shake my head, offering him a smile. “Whenever you’re ready, I’d love for you to move in. I don’t like being without you.”
And right now that’s as close as I can get to telling him I love him without saying the words. Looking at his sunglass covered eyes, I think he knows it too.
“We can for sure make this happen. I won’t crowd you.”
I lean up, flicking his ear with my tongue. “I kinda like when you crowd me.”
He pulls me closer. “Then be prepared for all kinds of crowding, because you’ve just made my entire year.”
We make good time to the medical building where my OB/GYN is housed. As he parks along the square, he taps my leg. “Come out over here, people don’t watch on that side of the road.”
He helps me scoot out of the driver’s side and I almost swoon at the way he makes sure I’m good, regardless of where we are. I straighten my skirt and grab my purse before he shuts the door and entwines our fingers together as we walk up the street. I love that he doesn’t care who sees us strolling along. He stops as we see the local baby boutique.
“After we finish with our appointment, we should come here and pick out the furniture. You know, so we can figure out what in the world that room you’ve planned is going to be male or female.”
I bashfully hide my face in his shoulder. “I can’t believe I did that without asking you, I really am sorry.”
“Don’t be babe, you’re the planner between us. At least we got to agree on the names together.”
I think back to the night I showed him the rooms I’d planned while I’d been bored and wishing he was with me. He’d laughed and told me he was surprised it’d taken me that long to figure out what I wanted the rooms to look like. I’d been embarrassed but we’d had a seat in the room and got the feel of it together, discussing names. We were bound and determined not to tell anyone what the name would be until we found out the gender.
“Well I didn’t want to keep you out of the loop on everything.”
He pulls me closer, kissing me on the forehead. “You keep me in the loop on everything that matters, Princess. We’re doing pretty good together, don’t you think?”
“Yeah,” I smile up at him. “We are. Better than I ever thought we would.”
We stop at the front of the office, both taking a deep breath. “You ready?” he asks.
“If you are.”
“I don’t know if you know this or not, but I’d face a firing squad for you and our kid. I’m beyond ready.”
Leaning up on my tiptoes I give him a kiss. “Then I’m ready, too.”
* * *
We’re waiting in the back for the ultrasound tech to show up and we’re both totally nervous. “Do you feel like your heart could beat out of your chest?” I ask him, running a hand through my hair.
“Yes! I’ve done missions with the MTF and the Army and not ever felt this nervous. I feel like every part of my life depends on this picture we’re about to see.”
I reach over for his hand. “I feel the same way, and maybe it does mean that much. Maybe we’re placing too much importance on it, but it’s us, Ryan. It’s what we think it should be. We know how much we already love this child, whether it’s a boy or a girl makes no difference to me.”
“But it does to me,” his face gets red. “If it’s a boy I only have to worry about him sticking his dick in other girls. If it’s a girl I gotta worry about all the other dicks of the world. I mean that’s a lot of pressure, babe.”
I throw my head back, laughing hysterically, making my shoulders jerk with the force of it. “How long have you worried about this?”
“Like every night for the past two months,” he runs a hand through his hair. “On my mind all the damn time.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I giggle, feeling sorry for him. “Don’t make me laugh, I have to pee so bad.”
“I didn’t want to worry you with my crazy, too. I mean I figured you had a lot of shit going through your own mind.”
I’m wiping tears I’ve laughed so hard, and oh my God, was it a good laugh. I needed it to get rid of all that nervous energy. “I would have helped you get through your fears. We’re in this together, remember?”
“I do remember that, but I felt like I was being a pussy.”
I chuckle some more as the tech makes her way into the room. “I can hear you two laughing outside. These are the types of parents I like,” she claps her hands as she sits down.
“We’re pretty excited,” I tell her jumping when she reaches down to lift up my shirt and puts the cold gel on it.
“Sorry, probably should have warned you about that, I’m a little frazzled. The people in front of you found out they’re having four instead of two.”
“Oh holy fuck,” Ryan mumbles from beside me. “What if we’re having more than one?” He questions, his eyebrows in his hair line.
“We’re good,” I tell him, even though I just got even more scared myself. “We’re good.” I’m not sure if I’m trying to calm his fears or my own.
“Well,” the tech gives us a wink. “We’ll definitely find out.”
Both of us are as quiet as I’ve ever heard us as we wait for her to turn the machine on. Then we hear the loud thumping of the heartbeat and we both look at each other. “It’s fast,” I comment as I wait for a picture to come up on the screen.
“It’s perfect,” she says as she presses some buttons, and that’s when we see it. The picture of our baby.
“So let me show you what we’ve got here,” she situates herself so we can both see everything she’s doing.
I grip Ryan’s hand tightly in mine, waiting for what feels like forever until she speaks again.
“We have the head, legs, arms, all that stuff looks perfect. You’re right on target with size and all. Now, for the most important part of today. You two want to know the sex of the baby?”
“Yes,” we answer together.
“Congratulations you two, you’re having a girl.”
Beside me Ryan let’s out a sigh with a groan. “Guess I’m gonna have to worry about all the dicks.”
I laugh, wiping tears from my eyes. “But Stella will know exactly which one she wants.”
He leans forward, kissing me on the forehead. “I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or not.”
The tech laughs at the two of us. “Do you want some pictures?”
We both nod, and as she hands one to Ryan, he takes a picture of it on his phone. “Do you mind if I send this to Tank?”
“Not at all,” I want Ryan to feel like he’s a part of this, and letting him tell my brother is probably more
important to him than it is to me.”
He waits while I get dressed and cleaned up, then we head down to the children’s boutique where we pick out everything but a crib.
Neither one of us can agree on the crib, but we’re both excited to get home, and put together what we’ve bought for Stella. As we get into the truck, I text Trevor, asking if he wants to come help.
Finally, I feel like we’re all one big happy family.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Renegade
“Truth or lie?” I ask her, running my hand along her shoulder. It’s hot tonight, and we’re both still sweating from the workout we just put in with one another. But I know we’re both energized and neither one of us will be sleeping for a while. Back to playing our game.
“Umm,” she rolls closer to me, tugging the sheet up to her chest before she scrunches her nose in the most adorable way. “Sometimes I love the elaborate lies you make up, but I want a truth tonight.”
“Ahhh,” I throw my head back against the pillow, wondering what kind of truth I should tell her. “How old does the truth have to be?”
She sucks that full bottom lip in between her teeth and sits up crisscrossing her legs while she makes sure the sheet still covers her bare breasts. “Teenage truth,” she throws down the gauntlet.
“Shhiiitttt,” I breathe out, sitting up myself, but I lean against her headboard. I go back through my teenager years, trying to figure out what the hell I want to tell her. So much of my adolescence is wrapped up in her and she doesn’t even know it.
“C’mon, Ryan, or are you scared?” she teases.
“I’m not scared,” I throw her a look. “I’m trying to figure out what I want to tell you.”
“If you’re scared, I’ll let you lie,” she offers.
“I don’t need your charity.” And that’s when the perfect truth hits me.
“Trevor’s sixteenth birthday. I was still fifteen, jealous as all fuck because he could drive now. You remember?” I ask, hoping to put her back almost ten years ago.
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