Hell and a Hard Place

by Lindsay Paige

  “I disagree,” I reply immediately.

  “How the fuck can you say that, Idaline? I showed up last-minute and I wasn’t exactly sober. I bawled my eyes out. The kiss. And I tried sneaking out on you this morning.”

  I shrug as if none of that matters. And it doesn’t, especially since I’m counting the kiss as one of the good things that happened. “Because we finally met, spent time together, and got twelve years’ worth of hugs.” I glance over at FC and see him smiling.

  “You’re too positive this early in the morning.”

  “It’s one of those days. You got lucky.”

  At that, he laughs.

  We carry on easy conversation for the rest of the ride. FC not-so-subtly hints and reminds me he thinks I should break it off with Daniel as soon as possible whenever I mention I have the next few days off.

  “Uh, FC, this is a store,” I say when I pull in where the GPS directs me to.

  “I know. I need a pack of cigarettes. My apartment complex isn’t too far from here. I can walk the rest of the way. I’m not discussing that with you or changing my mind, so wipe that frown off your face and give me a hug.” He leans over the console to hug me. “Thanks for being there when I really needed you,” he whispers.

  “You know you’ll always have me, especially when you need me.”

  He releases me and reaches for the door handle. “I’ll talk to you soon, okay? And don’t worry if it takes me a couple of days. There’s a lot going on.”

  “Okay.”

  And just like that, he gets out of my car, waves goodbye, and walks into the store, leaving me to back out of the parking space to drive back to South Carolina. My heart is heavy with worry. Something is clearly going on with FC, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. Whatever it is, I just left him in the heart of it.

  About five minutes after leaving FC, the anxiety he thought I would have this morning comes like a ton of bricks. All because of one humongous thought that finally crashes down on me.

  Oh, god. You have a boyfriend. FC and I became cheaters last night. I don’t know what’s more upsetting. That I’ve become a cheater or that I have to accept FC is one. Yes, it was just a kiss, but that doesn’t change anything. We’re both in relationships and we crossed a line. A line I didn’t know I could cross. There’s no such thing as just a kiss, not when it comes to cheating and not when it comes to FC.

  Probably against what should be my better judgment, I grab my phone and call FC.

  “Idaline, everything okay? You just left.”

  “I have a boyfriend, FC!” I shout, my anxiety clutching my ribs so tightly my chest doesn’t know whether to ache or feel as if piercing pain shoots through it.

  “I know,” he replies quietly. “This reaction is what I was worried about. Are you having a panic attack?”

  “About two seconds away from a full blown one, FC! I’m a cheater now. You’re a cheater! What am I supposed to do with that, FC? We’re not supposed to be cheaters, together or otherwise.”

  “I know it doesn’t make it any better or make you feel better, but it was only a kiss.”

  Yeah, a kiss that I had no intentions of stopping. That I would’ve let go further because my mind and body focused on more and didn’t give a damn about anything else. FC is the only one who has enough sense to put an end to it.

  “It’s not going to happen again, Idaline,” he tells me in this strong, soft, reassuring voice.

  The stupid, crazy part is that his words bring tears to my eyes. Apparently, I’d rather be a cheater than to think about never kissing FC again. God, what is wrong with me?

  “Are you going to tell Lila?” I ask.

  “God, no,” FC says. “It won’t do any good. It’s not worth it.”

  That kills me a little more. Not that I want to cause problems with his relationship, but a kiss with me isn’t even worth mentioning to his girlfriend? If my boyfriend kissed someone else, I’d want to know.

  “And you do not tell your jealous boyfriend,” FC orders. “We don’t need to find out how he will react to this. I know you feel bad, but this is more about safety than morals, Idaline. Better to be safe than sorry.” He takes a deep breath. “And you’re not a cheater. If anyone is a cheater, it’s me. You simply reacted to me catching you off guard. You didn’t initiate it. Hell, you probably didn’t want it. You didn’t do anything wrong, Idaline.”

  I have to stop myself from telling him I did want that kiss. I’ve wanted that kiss for years, and now, it’s tainted. But if FC isn’t worried about it, then I guess I shouldn’t be either. Right? Maybe. “Thanks, FC. I don’t know if you’re right, but you made me feel better.” For the time being at least.

  “That’s what I’m here for. Be safe on the drive back.”

  “I will.”

  We say our goodbyes and hang up. No matter what FC said, I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that we crossed that line while we’re in relationships and how FC didn’t seem to care that he did such a thing while with Lila. It doesn’t make sense to me. At least I have something to worry and obsess over while I work and over the weekend.

  Things are quiet as expected when I walk into the apartment. The last thing I want to do after last night is wake her up and start an argument before work. The door to the bedroom is closed and I’m not about to open it. Instead, I lie down on the couch and try to catch a little more sleep before another day of hell begins.

  When I wake up, it’s to the smell of breakfast. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. To delay the inevitable, I disappear into the bathroom for a quick shower. One thing this experience has taught me is to never discount a woman and her hits. There’s a bruise on my back from where she hit me yesterday when I was trying to leave.

  What in the world caused me to love her at some point? Hell, how was I able to like this woman? And now, lord help us all, I’m having a baby with her. Maybe lightning will strike and kill me dead. Or maybe I’ll be able to drink myself to death before the baby gets here. All I know right now is I have less than nine months to do it.

  Lila sits at the small kitchen table when I decide I’ve dilly-dallied enough and meet her. There’s a plate at the seat next to her, waiting for me.

  “Thanks, babe,” I mumble as I sit and begin to eat.

  “I already called and got an appointment with the doctor for next week to find out how far along I am and everything. It’s Tuesday. You’re coming with me, right?”

  “I have to work.” Nope. My new tactic is to pretend this isn’t happening for as long as possible.

  “Well, take off. This is important.”

  “Nothing happens at the first appointment.” Hell if I know what happens at the first appointment, but I won’t be there regardless. “You’ll be fine by yourself.”

  Her stare burns holes into my head. All of a sudden, her hand flies out and my plate goes airborne, crashing into the wall as eggs, toast, and sausage fall to the floor.

  “Wasn’t that hungry anyway.” I stand, leave the mess, and find my tequila to pour a shot.

  “You aren’t allowed to drink anymore.”

  I snort. “Like fuck I can’t.” How else does she expect me to deal with her? Lila reaches for the shot glass, but I lift it to my mouth and drink the tequila before she can grab it from me.

  Her eyes narrow. “If I can’t drink, neither can you.”

  “Shouldn’t have knocked yourself up then. You can vicariously drink through me, but I’m not stopping.”

  Lila yanks the bottle of tequila from my grasp and begins to pour it down the sink with a victorious smirk. I lean against the counter and fold my arms over my chest.

  “There’s more at the liquor store, babe.” And that’s not my last bottle. I have two more hidden in this apartment for emergencies and there’s a flask full of it slipped underneath the couch. As that thought hits me, I realize that probably means I’m not just an alcoholic, but one with a serious fucking problem.

  “You aren’t allowed
, FC,” she warns.

  “Don’t give a fuck what you say, Lila; if I want to drink until I’m passed out on the bathroom floor, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. If you want to be able to drink, get an abortion. Your problem will be solved.”

  The slap is quick. I see it coming a mile away, yet it still turns my head a full ninety degrees and stings like a motherfucker.

  “Don’t you dare tell me to get an abortion. I’m having this baby one way or another. If you don’t want it, leave.”

  “You mean that?” I ask.

  She nods.

  I quickly catalog what items I have here. What’s important? What can’t be replaced? Absolutely everything can be replaced. I didn’t bring anything important with me; that’s in storage at my parents’ house. With that settled, I turn on my heels and head for the door.

  “Where are you going?”

  “You said I could leave if I didn’t want the baby. Bye!”

  Lila’s footsteps rush toward me and she runs to block the door. “You can’t leave me! We’re having a baby!”

  “I’m totally excited,” I deadpan with a blank face. “You trapped me in this relationship with that kid; I don’t want anything to do with it.”

  Her swing comes, but I manage to turn and duck. She still gets part of my head. There will probably be a goose egg there tomorrow. “I didn’t trap you!” she yells.

  “What the fuck do you call purposely not taking your birth control and repeatedly telling me not to wear a condom? And kicking me out when I refuse to go without one? You trapped me and you damn well know it!” How in the hell does her delusional mind not see that? It’s so crystal clear, it’s impossible to miss.

  Lila takes a deep breath, her arms still spread out over the door. “Who’s in South Carolina, FC?”

  “What?” Surely she doesn’t know that’s where I went last night. How would she know?

  “Answer the question,” she demands. “Who the fuck is in South Carolina!”

  “How the hell would I know?”

  “That’s where you were last night.”

  “What makes you think I was in South Carolina last night?”

  “Because you were,” she insists.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lila.”

  The fury stills her entire body. “You were in Greenville, South Carolina, and I want to know why the fuck you were there.”

  Holy shit. How in the hell does she know the town I was in? Did she follow me? Does she know I was with Idaline? She’s crazy enough, she’d probably go after her somehow if she does know about her. For now, I continue with not admitting to anything. “Why do you think that’s where I was?”

  “Because I can track you through your phone!” she snaps, sounding annoyed.

  First, I get trapped with a baby and now, I have less privacy than what little I thought I had. Why haven’t I left already? Why does it have to continue to get worse? Lila shoves me, waiting for an answer. “I left and kept going until I cleared my head. That’s where I ended up.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Not my fucking problem.” I could really use that flask right about now.

  Lila storms off, walking around me, and a moment later, she walks out of the bedroom with the clothes I wore yesterday. She smells them and glares at me. “These smell like a girl.”

  “So? That’s what the car smelled like that I rode home in.” That’s the truth, too. The car smelled just like Idaline, and I’m sure that’s who she smells on my clothes. Lila huffs and goes to throw them back into the hamper. “I’ll be back.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “To work.”

  “Wait, we need to have a talk first.”

  “What kind of talk?” I ask with a sigh, turning around to face her.

  “I quit my job this morning.”

  “You did what? Why?” I demand. She was only working two to three days a week; it’s not much, but it’s better than her sitting on her ass at home all the time.

  Lila places her hands on her stomach. “Because I’m pregnant. I’m going to be a stay-at-home mom.”

  I stare at her in disbelief. So, not only is there a baby, but she can’t work because she’s pregnant and now I have to fully support her too? I can’t deal with this. I turn and walk out before she can stop me. There’s a good chance the mess she made in the kitchen will still be there when I get back, but it might not be.

  How am I supposed to leave now? She’s trapped me in a completely different way today. I’m surprised she didn’t say, Sorry, babe, but I want someone to take care of me for the rest of my life, and I picked you. I’ll be at home doing nothing while I’m pregnant and perfectly capable of working. And then I’ll be at home with the baby you don’t want and I only want the baby because it’ll make you stay with me.

  But the thought of crawling home with my tail between my legs almost sounds worse than staying and dealing with my crazy, abusive, pregnant girlfriend. I’m fucked. That’s all there is to it.

  During my lunch break, I sit in my car in the parking lot of a fast food restaurant when my phone rings with a call from my mother. I almost ignore it, but it’s better to talk to her now when I’m away from Lila than when I’m around her.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “FC, I’m disappointed in you.”

  “For what?” It’s not every day Mom calls and tells me that.

  “Well, when I hear I’m having a grandbaby, I expected to hear it straight from my son’s mouth.”

  I sit up straighter. “What are you talking about, Mom? Did Lila call you?”

  “No, I saw it online. She made a post. You’re tagged in it, FC.”

  Like I’ve been online today. I sigh. Thank goodness Idaline and I aren’t connected on any social media sites. “I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t know she was going to do that. We just found out yesterday. She hasn’t even been to the doctor yet. It’s premature to announce it, but I was going to tell you after she went to the doctor Tuesday.” I would’ve been dreading it, but I would’ve told her.

  “You don’t sound excited, FC.”

  “The news is still sinking in. What about you?” I ask.

  “I’m not thrilled with how Lila handled things, but I’m happy for you. A baby is a wonderful thing, FC. And this will be my first grandbaby, so he or she will certainly be spoiled. You and Lila might have to move here, so we won’t have to drive so far to see the baby.”

  There’s no way I could live near them with Lila. I’d have to wear makeup too often. It’ll be too hard and stressful to hide the ugly parts of our relationship if we were closer. “We’ll think about it,” I tell my mom anyway.

  The line is quiet for a few seconds before Mom says, “FC, can I talk to you for a moment?”

  I chuckle. “We’re already talking.”

  “I meant about something serious.” She doesn’t wait for me to answer. “I feel like you’ve been distancing yourself from us ever since you moved away. I don’t know if it’s something we’ve done or because of something going on there, but you know that you can always talk to us about whatever is happening, don’t you? I worry so much about you because you just don’t seem like the same FC as when you left and this FC…well, he seems like he’s struggling.”

  My eyes squeeze closed to stop the tears from falling. I do feel like I could tell my mom or my dad anything. Anything but this. I can’t comprehend how to string together the words to form the sentences that will create my story. My nightmare. All I can picture is this disgusted, pitying, saddened look on their faces that I’m absolutely sure I don’t want to see.

  “I’m okay, Mom,” I say.

  “I’d rather hear you’re great, but I guess I can accept that you’re okay, too.”

  We talk for a few more minutes before hanging up. Before I return to the apartment at the end of the workday, I stop by the store for my cell phone carrier. I explain the issue with my phone, especially since I can’t find anything on my
phone where she might be able to track me, and they do a factory reset. If that doesn’t work, I’ll buy a new phone.

  When I walk into the apartment, I slam the door, earning a glare from Lila.

  “What’s your problem?” she asks.

  “You posted you’re pregnant online? My mom called me upset that she didn’t get a call first! Did you even call your parents before posting it?”

  “I called my parents last night. Did you tell your mom I was sorry?”

  “Tell her yourself.” I walk into the bedroom and retrieve one of my hidden bottles from behind the entertainment stand. I have the next two days off. Might as well get drunk.

  “Babe. FC. Wake up!” Lila rocks my shoulder back and forth, but before I have a chance to open my eyes, she punches me in the stomach.

  “What?” I snap, definitely awake now.

  “I can’t sleep.”

  I sigh, see the shot she left on the nightstand for me, and knock it back. Ah, that’s better. I turn toward her. She immediately snuggles against me, so I wrap my arms around her. My head pounds with a hung-over headache. I need to go back to sleep as soon as possible or start drinking again. “Why can’t you sleep?”

  “I’ve been thinking about this baby. And us.”

  My eyes close from exhaustion and irritation. This is why she woke me up? “What about it?” I ask anyway.

  She walks her fingers over my chest in random patterns. “I know I’m horrible to you, okay?” At this, I open my eyes. Was that real sincerity or fake sincerity in her voice? “I don’t know why I’m this way, but I want to be better. We’re about to start a family. Will you stick with me and help me get better?” The softness in her voice, it’s like she’s once again the Lila I first met.

  And I’ll be damned if she doesn’t sound sincere enough to reel me back in like the sucker I am. “I’ll stick with you, babe.”

  She kisses me softly, cuddles against me, and I’m able to doze back to sleep. I dream of a life where Lila behaves like someone I’d be glad to have a baby with. Her stomach is round with pregnancy, and we’re in the doctor’s office, waiting to find out the sex. But then, Idaline walks into the room and dream me steps away from Lila, torn.