Hell and a Hard Place

by Lindsay Paige

  A ghostlike version of myself seems to step out of my body and joins a similar version standing next to Idaline. They stand with their hands joined, looking at the situation as if they can’t figure out why my physical body is standing next to Lila and not next to Idaline. My eyes shift to Idaline who cries at the sight of my pregnant girlfriend and my position next to her. When she turns to leave, she takes the ghostlike versions of ourselves with her. That’s when I realize my soul was the ghost-looking figure and now I’m hollow and dead with Lila.

  I wake up with a jolt. Lila is still lying all over me, but my mind is full of Idaline. My dream is foggy, but my mind seems to think it was all about her. I reach over to grab my phone, unplugging it and then entering my new password that Lila won’t ever guess unless she sees me enter it. It’s Idaline’s last name in numbers. She’d have to know it’s McAllister and then punch in the corresponding ten numbers. You also have to have my fingerprint. It’s a pain, but it’s worth it if I can get some privacy back.

  I hold the phone up in the air above me to text Idaline, feeling the urge to check in.

  Me: Hey. How are you? Any plans for your day off?

  I switch my phone to silent so as to not wake Lila while I wait for a response. It comes quicker than I thought, but then again, it is ten in the morning.

  Idaline: Going to try to break up with Daniel again today. I’m okay. Feeling really guilty about you know, even though I’m breaking up with him. How are you?

  Me: Hung over. Slightly hopeful. Don’t feel guilty and don’t tell him, no matter what. Let me know how it goes.

  Idaline: You know I will. I actually have a date tomorrow with this paramedic guy. He’s been flirting with me for weeks and asked me out yesterday. Figured if I said yes, that would force me to break up with Daniel. And just so we’re clear, I’m doing it because I want to and I think you’re right, not because you keep telling me to do it.

  Me: That’s the only reason why I’d want you to do it, because you want to. Hope the date goes well.

  I send the text just as Lila wakes up and smiles at me. My phone goes back on the nightstand. I wait for her to ask me what I was doing, but she doesn’t. Maybe she really was sincere about changing her ways last night. I can only hope she was.

  Daniel insists on meeting at my apartment instead of somewhere public for us to talk. It’s as if he knows I’m planning to break up with him again and doesn’t want to make this easy for me. I spend most of the day cleaning my humble abode, but I also go shopping for a new outfit for my date tomorrow. Justin, the paramedic who asked me out, said we would be outdoors. What better excuse for shopping for cute, light clothing to handle the heat in than that?

  But around six, Daniel shows up. I let him inside and to my kitchen table instead of the couch in hopes that it keeps it more formal. When he tries to kiss me, I turn my head so he kisses my cheek instead.

  “What’s up? Do you want to go out tonight?” he asks.

  “No, I don’t. As I tried to tell you the other day, I want to break up. This isn’t working for me.”

  He stands, bracing his hands on the table as he leans on it. “Is there someone else?” The tone in his voice makes a little red flag pop up in my mind.

  “No,” I answer calmly.

  “Bullshit. It’s probably that guy you always text or call. You don’t quit a good relationship for no reason.”

  “It’s not for no reason,” I insist. “We’re not working. I don’t want to be with you. The chemistry isn’t there.”

  He watches me for a moment. “I still don’t believe you. You look pretty guilty to me. And I think we are working and there is chemistry.”

  Maybe if I tell him I kissed someone else, it’ll make him give up and leave. “I’m breaking up with you because I don’t want to be with you and…” Please don’t let this blow up in my face. “I kissed someone else.”

  One second I’m in my seat and the next, my chair falls back to the floor as I fly through the air, my back slams into the fridge, and Daniel has his hands around my throat. My feet dangle, the tips of my toes barely touching the floor. My lungs burn with the need to breathe. He’s going to snap my neck at any moment. I scratch at his hands and think to kick him, but he doesn’t budge.

  “You fucking bitch. When you’re with me, you’re with me.” His grip is so tight that there’s already spots clouding my vision. I have a hard time concentrating on what he says, but the rage in his voice comes through loud and clear.

  Just before I pass out, he lets me go. I collapse to the floor, coughing and inhaling large gulps of air as I hear him slam my front door closed. I pull my phone from my back pocket and dial FC.

  “Hey, now isn’t a good time,” he answers. Music blares in the background and then it’s a lot quieter.

  “He… He…” Tears run down my cheeks and I try to control my breathing.

  “Idaline, what’s wrong? What happened?”

  “He choked me. He tried to strangle me.”

  “Don’t move. I’m on my way.” He hangs up before I can say anything else.

  I don’t think I could move if I wanted to. The reality of what just happened causes me to curl into a ball on the floor as a panic attack sweeps me away. How could I be so stupid? FC told me that no matter what, I shouldn’t tell him! Every time I close my eyes, I see his angry face. My neck burns as if his hands are still squeezing until I can’t breathe anymore.

  Sharp pains stab my chest with every breath I struggle to take. My arms are numb. Why didn’t I take the warning signs more seriously? Why couldn’t I listen to FC? Dozens of scenarios play in my head over and over of how it happened and how it could’ve been worse. How I could be dead on my floor right now instead of having a panic attack.

  Knocks sound on my door, but I don’t move. A few seconds later, FC walks through my door, rushing toward me.

  He sits down, lifts me up, and pulls me against him, wrapping his arms around me. “Ssh. It’s okay now. I’ll take care of you,” he whispers. His hand glides up and down my back as he slowly rocks us side to side.

  “It’s my fault,” I say, my voice cracking.

  “Impossible. You didn’t ask him to lay his hands on you.”

  “He… He wouldn’t leave. Wouldn’t accept it. So I told him I kissed someone else.”

  “Oh, Idaline,” he whispers with a bit of a sigh. He kisses the top of my head. “Still not your fault.” He holds me while I continue to come down from my panic attack, which leaves me utterly exhausted and leaning even more into FC. “Let me see your neck.”

  I lift my head from his chest to look at him, but gasp. “What happened to you?” I ask, reaching out to gingerly touch a new-looking bruise on his puffy cheek.

  FC shrugs. “Got into a little scuffle. Don’t worry. They apologized and I’m okay.” He’s getting into fights with people now? At least he doesn’t smell like alcohol tonight. FC tilts my chin up and breathes hard as he sees my neck. “Hope you have a lot of makeup or a scarf that’ll make you look ridiculous this time of year. You already have a good bruise forming.” He brings my chin back down, the rage in his eyes looking a lot like Daniel’s. “Do you know where this fucker lives? I have a lot of pent-up anger I can release on him for you.”

  “You’re not doing that. You didn’t have to come all this way either.” Although, I won’t lie; I’m so grateful he’s here.

  “You get hurt and I come,” he states simply. “Do you feel better now?”

  “Mostly.”

  “Let’s get up then.” He stands first and then pulls me up. We walk over to the couch, sit, and FC holds me in his arms again.

  “We go twelve years without meeting and then we see each other twice within a few days. How crazy is that?” I ask in wonder.

  “How about we don’t question the good stuff in life. There’s so much shit we have to deal with, we don’t need to question the good. Let’s just take it and appreciate it.” He pulls me closer and rubs my back.

 
“Is Lila upset that you’ve left to come here?” I ask.

  “Lila’s not your problem. Don’t worry about her.” There seems to be a detachment in his voice when he mentions her. “How does your neck feel?”

  “Like someone had their hands around it.” It’s sore, almost raw feeling. “Finn Carter?” I ask.

  FC chuckles. “Nope. I’m glad you’re okay. Do you want me to stay awhile?”

  “Will you please?”

  “Yeah, of course.”

  FC grabs the remote from the end table and turns on the TV, finding something to watch. We’re quiet for a few minutes until I end it. He’s here in person again. I can’t not talk to him while he’s here.

  “Where do you see yourself in five years?” This is a question we’ve asked one another a few times, the answer changing over the years.

  FC sighs. “Fuck if I know, Idaline. I really don’t know.”

  This answer makes me frown. FC has never not had some idea of where he’d like to be, at the very least. “You don’t know if you’ll still be with Lila? Maybe married. Still with the same job? Do you hope to move back to Raleigh?”

  “Yeah, I hope to move back to Raleigh. I don’t want to be where I am now in five years. What about you?”

  There’s so little to his thinking about his future. It worries me. But for now, I try to think about my own future in order to answer his question. “I love my job, so no changes there. I’d love to get married in the next five years if I can find the right person.” I think FC is that person, but we’re in different states and unless we make an effort to be together, to cross the line from friendship to relationship, then nothing will happen. It took twelve years for us to meet. Should I wait another twelve years to see if things will go further with FC? Even though I’m certain he’s my soulmate? “Do you believe in soulmates?” I blurt out.

  FC looks at me, looking a little tense all of a sudden. “Why? Do you?”

  “Yeah. It’s my grandpa’s fault. My grandma died when I was a baby, and I grew up with him telling me all about her and how she was his soulmate. He says he doesn’t know if people have more than one soulmate, like if he would find another person to love as much as he loved her, but she’s always been his one and only. He’s certain there’s at least one perfect person out there for everyone. Someone we’re destined to meet and who our souls yearn for.”

  “Soulmates sound nice, Idaline.” FC searches my eyes, as if he’s looking for something. There’s a knock on my door just then that startles me. “Are you expecting someone?” he asks.

  “No.” I stand and walk to the door with FC following behind me. I peer through the peephole and smile. Without thinking about my neck or FC being here, I open the door wide. “Grandpa!” I throw my arms around the old man’s shoulders. He hugs me back. “I was just talking about you. What are you doing here?” I ask as we release one another.

  “What happened to you, Idaline?” He gingerly touches my neck with warm, callused fingers. Then, he notices FC. “Did he do this to you?”

  “No!” I exclaim. “It’s nothing, Grandpa. Come in. This is FC.” They shake hands as I close the door behind him. We walk over to the couch and all of us sit, with me in the middle. “What are you doing here?” I ask again.

  “I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by to see my favorite granddaughter.” Grandpa rests his hand on my knee. “Now, what happened to your neck? That’s not nothing.”

  My grandpa is the most stubborn man I know. He won’t let this go. With a sigh, I avert my eyes and quietly say, “I was breaking up with someone and he got upset.”

  Grandpa wraps his arms around me. “Oh, girlie. How many times do I have to tell you that men aren’t any good?”

  I laugh. “You said we all have soulmates; how are all men bad if one of them is my soulmate?”

  “Just listen to the men are bad part for now and go with it,” he says, rubbing my back. “When you feel better you can think about soulmates again.” I enjoy how my grandpa smells, like aftershave, and how my arms fit around him perfectly and how much comfort he gives me with his hugs. “You’re the infamous FC, huh?” Grandpa asks him.

  “You know of me?” FC asks.

  “Idaline doesn’t keep secrets from her grandpa.” To me, he says, “You two make a good pair, looking all beat up.” Grandpa chuckles to himself. “I’m not even going to ask what happened to you, FC. Are you just here for another visit?”

  “I came to check on Idaline. She called me after what happened.”

  “Well, I’m here and I’ll keep an eye on her. Say goodbye, Idaline.”

  At this, I sit up. “Grandpa!” Why is he trying to make FC leave? Grandpa doesn’t look like he’s about to argue with me either. His eyes are steely and his lips are flat.

  “He needs to go, Idaline,” Grandpa insists. “We need to have a talk anyway.”

  “It’s okay,” FC says as he stands. “I shouldn’t stay too long.”

  They are both ruining my night by FC leaving early. I stand and hug FC, not wanting him to go but having no choice. “Thanks for coming,” I whisper.

  “No problem.” He takes a step away and says to my grandpa, “It was nice to meet you, sir.”

  My grandpa only nods and then I walk FC out. Once he’s gone, I turn to face the only man left. “What was that for?” I demand to know.

  Grandpa calmly pats the seat next to him and I reluctantly come to sit down once more. “Idaline.” He cups my cheek and gives it a little pat. “You can’t let him come here anymore,” he says as gently as possible. When I frown, he says, “You’re in love with him, you kissed the last time he was here, and most importantly, he’s in a relationship with someone else. It will not turn out well if you continue to invite him back or allow him to come back. Not for you and not for him. It’s not fair to his girlfriend either.”

  “But he only came to check on me.”

  “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. He probably hopped in the car and left his girlfriend behind. Who knows if he even told her where he was going. You don’t think that won’t cause problems for them? That it’s good he’s willing to leave her in a hot minute for you when he’s supposed to be in a committed relationship with her? Don’t be the kind of woman to get involved in a sticky situation like that.” His voice lowers with emotion. “Don’t. Not with my wife’s name.” Grandpa reaches for my hand and holds it. “If you think about it, you’ll realize I’m right, Idaline.”

  Unfortunately, I already know he’s right. The problem is I wish he wasn’t.

  After much internal debate, I decide to go forward with my date with Justin today. I look a bit ridiculous, though. Who wears a scarf with shorts and shirt? Today, I do, apparently. When Justin comes to pick me up, he smiles, kisses my cheek, but eyes me with a bit of surprise.

  I nervously touch my throat. “I bet you think I look ridiculous.”

  “I think you look beautiful,” he says. “Are you ready?”

  My muscles relax. He’s not even going to question why I’m wearing a scarf. I already like him a little more.

  With a hand resting on the middle of my back as we walk out to his car, he says, “So, would you like to go see a baseball game today?”

  “Yeah, that sounds fun.”

  “Good, because I’ve already bought tickets.”

  I laugh and smile as he opens the car door for me. Justin seems to have this easy, laid-back way about him that causes my anxieties about the date to slither away.

  “Do you believe in soulmates?” I ask him.

  Justin glances over at me, not surprised or taken aback. It’s as if I’ve simply asked about his day. It pleases me even more that he squints his eyes a little as he drives like he’s truly thinking about it. “You know,” he finally says, “I think I do. Society probably thinks so as well. We’re supposed to have monogamous relationships. We’re supposed to marry someone and when we do, it’s with the intention that it’s for life. That that one person is more suited f
or us than anyone else we’ve met in this world. And who knows how the world works to put two people together. So, yeah, I think I believe in soulmates.”

  And that answer is how Justin will eventually become my boyfriend.

  Lila is five weeks along, so the good news is the last time I let her convince me not to wear a condom is not when I knocked her up. It was the time before that. The bad news is now all I can think about is how much alcohol she has consumed in that time period and whether or not that’s going to affect my baby. Just because I don’t want the baby doesn’t mean I want something to happen to it.

  Although, I won’t lie. Miscarriage and an abortion keep crossing my mind about once a day, which makes me feel like an absolute shit human being for wishing that on my own child. But is it so terrible when I know exactly what its mother will be like? When I’m struggling with my own bad habits? Look at how Lila has turned out to be. Look at how she treats me. How will she treat a child that only exists because she wanted to ensure I was tied to her?

  And if I don’t have the strength to walk away from her because I have too much pride, shame, and embarrassment, then what kind of father will I be? Not only that, but I smoke and I drink. Babies aren’t supposed to be around cigarette smoke or have alcoholics for fathers. That poor kid has no hope with both Lila and me for parents. None whatsoever. Its life is already starting out like shit because I don’t want it and Lila’s excitement doesn’t seem genuine. The only thing I know for sure is I’m going to hell and I’ll probably take my baby with me.

  As if today can’t get any worse, I come home to find a package for me. Lila knows not to open my mail. She did it once and I berated her long enough that she let me win and never did it again. If she has, I don’t know about it. The package is from my mother.

  With a sigh, I sit at the table and rip the envelope as Lila peers over my shoulder. My heart breaks as I pull out a onesie that says I love my daddy. Lila says something about how cute it is and she even takes the envelope, peering inside as if expecting something similar for her, but my mom didn’t send anything else.