Heart of Rockies 03 - More Than a Feeling

by Sara Richardson

  She wasn’t sure her lips could form words. They had to be swollen, pulsing and tingling like that.

  She wanted to go home with him. Lordy, she wanted to. Saying no would cause her physical pain. But if she slept with him where would that leave them tomorrow? She couldn’t forget the expression on his face when Kaylee had approached him earlier. It wasn’t anger or hate. It was hurt and humiliation. She couldn’t do that to him. She couldn’t be another woman who lied to him.

  And she couldn’t tell him the truth.

  “If you need more convincing, I’m happy to try,” he said, kissing her again, and the only way she would be able to resist him was to tear herself away.

  She let his lips cling to hers for a second more, storing up the way it felt to have his body against hers, then pried herself away, heart thumping, chest throbbing. “I can’t. I’m sorry,” she wheezed, stumbling to the driver’s-side door. “I can’t do this, Sawyer.”

  Then she got in the car before he could convince her to stay.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Ruby drove out of the parking lot like she was escaping a fire, turning onto the main road so fast the tires screeched. Night had settled in, making the world look colorless and stony. Reaching down, she blasted the heat in a futile attempt to soothe the tremble in her shoulders. As warm as she’d been in Sawyer’s arms, it hadn’t taken long for a cold, empty darkness to set in like a heavy morning fog. It clouded her under a haze of memories that seemed to belong to someone else.

  She wished they belonged to someone else. She wished she were free of them so she could’ve gone back to the ranch and spent the night in Sawyer’s bed. Even though she’d left him, Derek still held her prisoner. He still had that control in her life.

  The night she’d met him, it’d felt like the tide of her life had finally changed. She’d been on her own since the day she turned eighteen and could walk out of the foster care system. For so long she’d believed that once she was on her own, things would be better. She’d tracked down Grady, who’d been placed in another foster home, and hoped they could be a family together. But life wasn’t any easier on the outside. Grady up and joined the Peace Corps, so she was alone in the world, struggling to pay rent in a studio apartment, waitressing as many hours as she could to keep the lights on.

  One night Derek came into the bar with some friends, and she always hated waiting on tables like that one because inevitably one or two of the men would get sloppy drunk and grab at her or make some disgusting comment that made her feel small.

  But Derek was so polite, calling her Miss and thanking her every time she refilled their glasses or brought out a new appetizer. He’d stood out from the rest of the men, not only because of his sandy blond hair, soft brown eyes, and muscular build, but because he didn’t drink too much or talk too loud or laugh at any of the crude jokes his friends told. Then he’d paid the tab for the entire group, not in a showy way, but quietly, leaving her a thirty-percent tip to make up for his friends’ obnoxious behavior. She remembered holding the receipt and smiling at the note he’d written, the first buds of hope blooming in her chest.

  He came back in a couple of times a week until they’d gotten to know each other, then he took her on a real date—fancy restaurant, a movie, a walk in the park—the whole deal. He was good-looking, had a steady job, and seemed to know what he wanted in life. For the first time she wasn’t alone. It wasn’t that she was afraid to be alone. She’d learned to take care of herself early in life, but she’d never had anyone to share the passing moments with—the happiness and the sadness and the mundane.

  Maybe that’s why she let things move so fast. Six months after they’d met, he asked her to marry him while they were spending a day at the beach. She’d said yes, gotten rid of her apartment, and moved into his house. Then everything changed. He convinced her she didn’t need to work anymore, that her friends were “trash” and she didn’t need them anymore, either. Not when she had him. Not when they had each other.

  Without realizing it she cut herself off from the rest of the world. After that Derek started to yell. She’d seen men yell when they were drunk, but Derek rarely drank. He just got angry.

  The first time he hit her he’d looked about as shocked as she’d been. Then he’d fallen to his knees in front of her, begging her to forgive him, saying he never meant to hurt her, promising it would never happen again. God, she’d loved him. And he’d been the first person to love her.

  But it happened again. And again.

  Everyone had thought Derek was the epitome of the southern gentleman. But now she knew he was just brilliant in his manipulations. It was like he’d waited until their lives were entangled, until she had nowhere to go, no job to support herself, and then he took off the mask. He’d push her to the ground for talking back to him, pin her up against a wall with his forearm, crushing her windpipe if she spent too much money at the grocery store. She’d tried to fight back, more than once, but he would hit her so hard in the stomach, she would lay sprawled on the floor for an hour, silent tears leaking from her eyes.

  While he continued to be promoted by the local police force, she’d holed up in their house, doing her best not to set him off. Once his mama had come to stay a few weeks. She’d always liked his mama, and figured the woman must know how to make a marriage work, since she’d been married for thirty-five years. Ruby had worked up the courage to say something. “Sometimes Derek pushes me around. I get so scared…I don’t know what to do about it.”

  “Oh, honey.” His mama had patted her hand. “He doesn’t mean nothin’ by it. That’s how men are. You need to watch that you don’t get him all muddled and upset and things’ll be fine.”

  She wished his mama would’ve told her the truth…it’s not your fault, honey. He’s a violent and disturbed person. You don’t deserve it. Maybe then she would’ve been strong enough to leave earlier. Instead she’d spent months believing she deserved every bit of it. Until she knew she couldn’t take it anymore. She was losing herself, disconnecting from the world, going through daily life like a robot. And when he’d knocked her to the ground that last time, she knew she wouldn’t survive another week.

  “I’m gonna leave,” she’d told him, and he’d squeezed his hand around her throat until the pain of asphyxiation shot through her neck.

  “You leave me, and I’ll find you. I’ll fucking kill you and make it look like an accident.”

  But she had to go. She would’ve died any—

  A flash of something darted in front of the car, shattering the memories and thrusting her back to the present…to Aspen…to her neighborhood street.

  “No!” She jammed her foot onto the brake pedal and her body whipped forward. The tires screeched to a stop, filling the car with the acrid scent of burned rubber.

  What was it? An animal. It had to be some kind of animal. Oh, god, had she hit it? Her hands shook so hard that it took her three tries to free herself from the seat belt and push open the door.

  Something whimpered from the other side of the car. Dread crammed her stomach as she walked around…

  A dog sat a couple of feet away from the tire, licking its paw.

  “Nell?” Ruby called, crouching and holding out her hand. It had to be Nell. She must’ve gotten out.

  “Hey there, sweetie.” She took slow steps, and though the dog’s tail wagged, it didn’t walk to greet her. “What’s the matter, girl? Are you hurt?” Oh, lordy, had she run over Nell’s paw?

  With a forlorn look Ruby recognized all too well, the dog peered up through those slightly buggy but adorable eyes. She held her little paw in the air like it hurt too much to rest it on the ground.

  “Good dog.” Ruby knelt and reached over to pet the soft fur that sprouted from the dog’s head. She was the most beautiful dog in the world, soft and white with chestnut spots. Gently she took the dog’s paw in her hands and searched for a wound, but it must’ve been some sort of internal injury she couldn’t see. “He hurt you, didn
’t he?” she asked quietly.

  Nell licked her hand.

  Looking around to make sure no one was watching, Ruby carefully lifted the dog into her arms and cuddled it against her chest.

  Nell didn’t fight, didn’t even flinch, but instead settled right in and went back to licking Ruby’s hand.

  “It’s okay,” she whispered, sliding into the car. She drove the rest of the way home with the dog lying contentedly in her lap. After she parked in the driveway, Ruby hid Nell in Sawyer’s sweatshirt, making sure the dog could poke out her head. Hurrying up the front porch steps, she kept an eye out for the neighbors. “It’s not your fault, Nellie,” she whispered as she unlocked the front door. “You don’t deserve to be treated like that.” No one did. Not her, and not a defenseless animal who offered nothing but love.

  “Everything’ll be okay now.” There was no way in hell she would return the dog to that horrible man. Instead she’d keep sweet Nellie and take care of her so no one would ever hurt her again.

  * * *

  Sawyer drummed his fingers against Bryce and Avery’s dining-room table, listening to Bryce yammer on and on about why they didn’t need more security measures at the ranch. Aunt Elsie had taken the kids over to the hospital to visit Thomas, so he’d come over to Bryce and Avery’s for a late dinner and a discussion about the ranch’s security protocols…or lack thereof, but his mind kept backtracking to Ruby. That kiss. Shit. He couldn’t stop replaying it. One minute Ruby had been in his arms, kissing him, threading those long, slender fingers through his hair, then some switch had flipped and she’d disappeared. And to think, he could be in bed with her right now instead of sitting here with his cousin. The thought killed him.

  “I trust my employees,” Bryce said firmly. “They’re good people.”

  Good people don’t always make good decisions. He didn’t say it. While there were plenty of flaws in Bryce’s argument, Sawyer opted for the diplomatic approach. “Still I don’t think it’s a bad idea to do background checks on the employees. You never know what’ll come up.” Guilt niggled. Okay. So maybe he had ulterior motives. If he conducted background checks, maybe he’d find out more about Ruby, about where she came from, about why she seemed to run away from him whenever he got too close to her. “Background checks are standard. Trust me. No one’ll be offended.”

  “Dinner is served.” Avery sailed into the room somehow balancing three bowls of chili in her hands. She slid one in front of Sawyer, then Bryce. “Why all the talk about background checks?” She settled into a chair at the head of the table. “You didn’t mention anything back when we were hiring people.”

  Bryce gave him a warning look.

  Actually he had mentioned something to his cousin, but like always, Bryce brushed it off. He wasn’t worried, he’d said. Most of the people who worked for him had been around for years. Most, but not all.

  Avery widened her eyes, demanding an answer.

  Sawyer shot Bryce his own dark look. If he told her the truth, Avery would likely be on Sawyer’s side.

  Even if he didn’t tell her anything, there were still ways to get her on his side…“I’ve heard about some break-ins in town. Figure it can’t hurt to beef up security around this place.” Judging from the worried look on her face, she’d agree with him.

  “I think it’s a great idea,” she said. Then a devious smile narrowed her eyes. “Why don’t you start with Ruby?” she asked a little too innocently.

  He tried to ignore the comment, but his face got hot, and it wasn’t only from the jalapeños in the chili.

  The woman slurped chili off her spoon, taking her time to chew. Then she dabbed her mouth with a napkin. “I mean, seeing as how you kissed her and everything. Maybe you should do a strip search, too, Officer Hawkins.”

  “What?” Bryce gaped at him. “You kissed her? When? Where?” He looked back and forth between Sawyer and Avery. “How come I didn’t know about this?”

  “Because unlike women, I don’t discuss every detail of my life,” he muttered. Was it possible that Ruby had already told Avery what had happened between them an hour ago? No. No way. She must’ve been referring to the first kiss…

  “Every detail?” Avery squeaked. “Honey, this isn’t a small detail. This is huge! You’re finally moving on. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

  “Not ashamed,” he corrected. “Just not broadcasting it to the world.”

  “Sorry,” Avery said, but that grin on her face branded her a liar. “I can’t help it. I’m so happy! Ruby is the sweetest person. She’d be good for you, Sawyer.”

  Ouch. He shook his head and shoveled in more chili. Bison and black bean, his favorite kind. “You married people. Always trying to fix everyone up.”

  “Is it wrong that we want you to be happy?” Avery shot back.

  “I am happy. And I’m moving. Remember? Not exactly the best time to start a relationship.” It was true, but that wasn’t the real problem. The scene in the parking lot played again. “Besides, you can’t have a relationship with someone who won’t tell you anything about themselves, anyway.” Who ran from you every time you tried to touch them.

  Avery studied his face, those blue eyes intent and focused…like she could read his mind. “So you’re not attracted to her?”

  Damn that women’s intuition thing. “It doesn’t matter if I’m attracted to her or not. Things can’t work out right now.” Especially if she kept pushing him away.

  “Things definitely won’t work out when she finds out you’re doing a background check on her,” Bryce said through a laugh. “I can only imagine how that’ll go over.”

  “It’s not like I’m singling her out. We’ll cover everyone. Guides, maintenance workers, housekeeping staff.”

  Bryce raised a skeptical brow.

  Yeah. His cousin knew him too well.

  “So she doesn’t talk about her past,” Avery said, waving it off. “She obviously wants to get away from it. And who are we to judge that?”

  “Yeah,” Bryce chimed in. “Running from the past. Hmmm. Kind of reminds me of someone else I know.”

  “That’s different.”

  “Oh really?” Bryce taunted.

  Avery scraped her bowl with her spoon. “When you get to Denver, are you planning to tell everyone what happened between you and Kaylee?” she asked with a counterfeit innocence.

  “No,” he admitted. So was that it? Was she running from the bad memories of a divorce? A betrayal? He’d love to believe that, but his instincts told him it was much darker. “And I’m not moving across the country. I’ll only be four hours away,” he reminded them. “Not like I’ll cut ties and never see anyone from my past again.”

  “Four hours away might as well be across the country,” Avery whined. “You’re Lily’s godfather. And now she won’t get to know you.”

  “Of course she will.” The words came out flat and awkward. Because, god, it was hard for him to hold her, to feel that warm weight in his arms. It always made him wonder about his son. He loved Lily, but holding her, staring down at that tiny nose and perfect little face reminded him of what he’d lost, of what he might never have…

  “Speaking of Lily…” Avery hopped up. “I should go check on her. She should be waking up for her night feeding. Gotta stay on schedule!” Avery had the baby’s life—feedings, naps, poops—all scheduled to the minute. She was pretty type A. Guess he could see why Bryce preferred to keep the thefts quiet.

  She gathered up their bowls. “I bet Lily would love to say hi to Uncle Sawyer.” Traipsing away in the happy gait of a proud new mom, she left him and Bryce facing off over the table.

  “Seems like Ruby’s not the only one keeping secrets,” his cousin commented in his direct style. “When are you going to tell Avery about the baby you lost?”

  Sawyer had a hard time swallowing. “Why would I tell her?”

  “Take it from someone who’s lost a lot…” Which would definitely be Bryce. His first wife had died in a Jeep ac
cident.

  “Acknowledging the loss helps. Talking to people helps. You’ll never deal with it if you keep it to yourself.”

  He reached for his water glass, wishing it was a beer. But seeing how Bryce was a recovering alcoholic, he never drank in front of him. He sure could use a beer now, though. “I’ve dealt with it.”

  “That’s bullshit and you know it.” They never hesitated to call each other out on anything. Hell, when Bryce was spending his days drinking nonstop, Sawyer had given him an ultimatum on more than one occasion. Straighten yourself out or I throw your ass in jail. So even though the flames of his temper flared, he didn’t argue.

  “Here she is!” Avery announced like she was introducing the queen of England. She hurried over with Lily nestled into the crook of her arm. “Would you mind holding her while I warm up her bottle?”

  “Of course not.” He didn’t want to mind. He didn’t want that burning sensation radiating in his chest, but it came anyway. Even so he held out his arms and Avery gently transferred Lily.

  Those huge blue eyes peered up at him, round and content. He moved the blanket away from her face and her little hand latched on to his finger.

  “Hey there, Lily.” He tried to submerge the rising grief with a smile. She was amazing. So tiny. Fragile. Every instinct in him wanted to protect her. Is this how it would’ve felt to hold his son?

  “Are you over Kaylee?” Bryce’s quiet question stole his focus from Lily. It wasn’t as hard to answer as it’d once been.

  “Yeah. It’s not her I miss. Not anymore.” They’d had good times and he’d loved her, but they wanted different things, and he wasn’t stupid. “It’s being with someone.” But it had to be the right person. No way did he want to go through another year-long divorce.

  “Then maybe you should put yourself out there with Ruby. Take a risk.”

  “I take risks all the time.” Hell, just last week, they’d gone rock climbing. Besides, he’d put himself out there with Ruby an hour ago and she’d bailed on him. What else could he do?