Heart of Rockies 03 - More Than a Feeling

by Sara Richardson

  God, she’d give anything to change things for them. For all of them.

  Shuddering from the thought more than from the brisk night air, she zipped up her fleece all the way to her chin. There was a lull in the laughter, then Sawyer’s deep voice carried over to her. He sat on a bench with some of the boys, telling them some story that required a lot of exaggerated arm motions.

  Her body warmed from the inside out and she wasn’t shivering anymore. He had the best voice, especially when he spoke to kids. It was deep, but full of humor, like he could hardly contain his laughter.

  Edging into the crowd, she opted to stand safely behind one of the benches on the opposite side of the fire. After that kiss earlier she couldn’t even be near him without infatuation zinging through her, colliding with her nerves, spiraling heat down through her core.

  “Hey there,” Avery whispered.

  Ruby tried to smile at her friend. Little Lily was wrapped up like an Eskimo baby, safely tucked into one of those wrap contraptions while she slept contentedly against Avery’s shoulder.

  “Hi, sweetie.” She touched a finger to Lily’s perfect little nose. What was it about baby noses, anyway? So tiny and sweet. She had a hard time looking at that nose without touching it.

  Avery never seemed to mind. The woman was happy to share her baby with the world.

  Ruby leaned her head closer. “So how are things with you and Bryce?” She hadn’t seen Avery all afternoon, either, but she figured she and Bryce must’ve had a discussion about the thefts, given how she’d stormed out of the kitchen.

  A girlish smile flitted on Avery’s lips. “We’re good.”

  Envy flashed through her, but it didn’t take hold. Everyone dreamed about finding what Bryce and Avery had. They were just one of those couples you could tell were made for each other.

  “So I’m assuming, based on your expression, you two made up?” she asked, feeling that ping of jealousy again. Avery never quit talking about the great sex those two had. Even after being married for more than two years. God, it’d been a long time for her. And she wouldn’t say the sex in her last relationship had ever been good. Making love to Derek had made her physically ill. She’d avoided it as much as she could get away with.

  “We made up.” Avery shifted Lily’s head to her other shoulder and faced her. “I didn’t let him off the hook, though.”

  Knowing Avery, she wouldn’t. She was kind and compassionate, but she didn’t let go of things easily. Still…Ruby thought it was sweet how Bryce always tried to protect her. “I get that he kept something from you, but he didn’t want you to worry.” Wasn’t that a good thing? What would it be like to have someone protect you that way?

  “Of course he thought he was protecting me.” Avery looked directly at her, the fire’s flickering light illuminating her face. “But it’s never okay to keep secrets from someone you love.”

  The words made Ruby’s heart pound faster. Avery obviously knew she had her secrets. Everyone had to know. But they’d never asked her about them. None of them—not Elsie or Paige or Avery—had ever demanded to know anything about her past. Though surely they’d wondered.

  “Bryce and I are a team,” Avery continued, though her tone stepped carefully, like she didn’t want the words to hurt. “We fight for each other. That’s what a relationship has to be. It doesn’t work when you’re hiding something.”

  The words sunk in, heavy and consuming. Would she ever develop that kind of a relationship with someone? Complete openness and honesty? Lordy, with her history, it seemed impossible. She wouldn’t even know where to start.

  “Ruby…” Avery looked in Sawyer’s direction. “I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I do know Sawyer. I know he’s the best guy in the world.” Glancing at Ruby again, she grinned. “Besides Bryce, course. But they do share blood.”

  “I know.” Ruby gazed across the fire. Sawyer sat between Javon and Wyatt, both boys laughing hysterically at whatever he was saying. “He’s a great guy.” Better than any man she’d ever spent her time with, that was for sure. But Avery had no idea how much she had to overcome. “I can’t have a relationship, though. With anyone.” It was one thing to kiss the man, but to go on a date with him…to lead him into thinking they could have something real when she knew it wasn’t possible? He didn’t deserve that.

  Avery sighed out a mixture of disappointment and frustration. “Well, if you ever change your mind, just know you don’t have to worry about him. He knows how it feels to be betrayed by someone you love. He’d never hurt you.”

  Ruby closed her eyes. But her past could hurt him.

  Lily started to whimper.

  “I should get her to bed,” Avery said, unraveling the wrap and shushing her daughter softly. “See you tomorrow?”

  Ruby stuffed her hands into her pockets. “I’ll be here.” At least tomorrow she would be.

  After that, she didn’t know.

  Chapter Eighteen

  In so many ways, it had been the perfect night. Ruby knelt to pick up a chocolate bar wrapper and shoved it into the trash bag she’d found. After Elsie had suggested everyone go inside to watch a movie, the fire had dwindled to a soft orange glow. Instead of going with them, she’d volunteered to stay back and clean up so she could find some space to think through her options.

  What if she told Sawyer the truth? The thought pushed her down onto a bench. She slumped and dropped the garbage bag to the ground. He wouldn’t let it go. Not someone like Sawyer. He’d sworn to pursue justice at all costs, and if he’d truly come to care about her like he’d said, he wouldn’t let Derek get away with how he’d treated her. He’d force her to press charges, to go through a horrible trial…

  “Hey.”

  Ruby sat up straight at the sound of Sawyer’s voice and automatically tried to smooth her hair with her fingers. How long had he been standing behind her, watching her?

  “Everything okay? You didn’t come in with everyone else.” He sat next to her.

  “Everything’s fine.” Except for her heart. It was so tender. One small touch and it would break apart. “I thought I’d clean up. Make sure the fire went down okay.” And try to sort out the mess that was her life right now.

  Sawyer acknowledged her lie with a nod and leaned back as though settling in for a long conversation.

  Her shoulders tensed. How could she have a conversation with him when she had no plan? Should she tell him the truth? Should she leave? Should she beg him not to do the background check? There were no clear answers. Only gaping questions.

  “I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable this afternoon.” His voice had gotten raspy again, like it had been in the kitchen earlier.

  All that sensuous heat he generated inside her built and collected on her face. “Oh. No. I mean, um, it was a surprise, that’s for sure.”

  A slow smile lifted his lips. “That it was.”

  She resisted the urge to fan herself. Suddenly the minuscule fire felt like an inferno. “But it was good. I mean…amazing. Um…you know, as far as kisses go.” Good lord. How did this man jumble up the connection between her mouth and her brain this way?

  “Definitely amazing,” he agreed, that smile gaining momentum. “So if it happened again sometime, that might be okay?” He bit down on his lip, the slightest bit of hesitancy flickering in his eyes. Shyness?

  Lordy, that was appealing. “Um. Well.” How could she answer that question? Like Avery said, she couldn’t have a relationship with anyone. Not with the secrets she was keeping. Especially not with Sawyer, who’d already been lied to by someone he loved. “I don’t know.” She avoided his penetrating gaze. “There’s so much you don’t know about me, Sawyer.”

  “Then tell me,” he said, his sincere eyes threatening to make her crack. “Whatever it is, it might help to talk about it.”

  That need to know in Sawyer was exactly what made him a good cop. But it was also what made him a threat to her secrets. He wouldn’t give up. So she’d have t
o do it for him.

  Looking down, she scuffed her feet in the dirt. “I can’t tell you. Not now, anyway. And…” She sucked in air to strengthen her voice. “…we probably shouldn’t see each other. Like last night. Or today in the kitchen.” God, she couldn’t believe she was saying this. The thought of never kissing Sawyer again made her want to cry. “Because you’re leaving in three weeks. And I don’t know how long I’ll be around—”

  “What?” His upper body jolted, and he was no longer casual, but sitting straight and rigid. “What d’you mean you don’t know how long you’ll be around?”

  She stared into the fire instead of into his eyes. When his eyes locked on hers all she wanted to do was throw herself at him, pleading with him to make her always feel as safe and wanted as he did when his lips touched hers.

  “Does this have anything to do with the background checks?” Gently Sawyer cupped her cheek with his hand and turned her face to his. “Because I can protect you from that, Ruby. If you really don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. We won’t force you.”

  “You won’t?” Surprise weakened her voice to a hoarse whisper.

  “No.” Sawyer smoothed her hair away from her cheek. “I want to know you. I want to hear your stories—the hard ones, the good ones. But I won’t force my way into your life. I won’t make you tell me anything you’re not ready to share.”

  Fear loosened its suffocating hold. “Thank you,” she breathed, tears gathering. Now she wouldn’t have to leave the only place she’d ever belonged.

  Seeming to sense her tears, he silently slipped his hand into hers, filling her with the same courage she’d felt when he’d gotten her to dunk her head under the water, when he’d encouraged her to jump off that platform. She wanted to tell him. She wanted him to know her. She wanted that so badly it hurt. It felt like the walls she’d put up were cracking, and while it caused her pain, she could sense freedom, too.

  “I didn’t realize you were a foster kid,” Sawyer said, still holding her hand, brushing his fingers across her knuckles.

  She nodded. That was the easiest part of her story to tell. And it’s not like that could hurt Sawyer. As long as she was careful she could tell him that much. “My mom went to prison when I was eight. For drugs.” It amazed her how easy it was to tell Sawyer something she’d never told anyone except for Derek. Somehow his touch loosened fear’s hold on her. “I never even knew who my dad was.”

  The feel of Sawyer’s hand covering hers, heavy and warm and protective, warded off the chill of the night air.

  “I hate that you grew up that way,” he said. It meant so much more than “sorry.”

  “It wasn’t your typical Leave It to Beaver episode,” she admitted. “But I adapted. It got easier after they moved me a couple of times. I’d keep my stuff packed and ready, knowing eventually I’d go someplace else.” Every time they drove her into the driveway of a new home, her stomach would cramp and she’d wonder if anyone would ever want her.

  Those old emotions gripped her throat again. Funny how she thought that never remembering would make that old pain go away. It hadn’t. The years hadn’t even diluted it.

  Sawyer tightened his hold on her. “No kid should have to grow up that way.”

  Ruby peered up to study him. Most cops she’d known had that wall, that cold indifference when it came to stories like hers. They’d heard so much, seen so much. But Sawyer looked at her like he hurt for her.

  “It kills me when I look at Neveah and Brooklyn. And Javon,” he said, something in his eyes darkening. “Knowing they don’t belong to anyone.”

  “You’re great with them.” She thought back to the swimming lesson. “With kids, in general.” It seemed so unfair that his son had been taken away from him. He would’ve been such a great dad.

  “I love kids.”

  That didn’t surprise her. She’d heard him described by Avery and Elsie as a big kid himself. And she could see that. He had an innocent belief in the good of the world, a quick wit, and a love for laughter…

  “Hopefully I’ll have some of my own someday.”

  The air between them grew stale with a long silence. Another reason she had to keep her boundary with him intact. He deserved to be a dad, to someday recover what he’d lost, and kids were the one thing she’d never be able to give him. It didn’t torture her like it once had. She’d known since she was fourteen, and she’d dealt with it, but she’d promised herself she’d never marry someone who wanted a family.

  “What about you?” Sawyer asked.

  “Oh.” Cold dread worked its way up her throat. “I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it.” Another lie. Add it to the pile.

  “You haven’t?” He looked surprised. “But you’re great with kids. With Lily…and with Brooklyn. You’d be a great mom.”

  She’d thought she’d made peace with it long ago, but hearing him say it—hearing it come from Sawyer—thrashed her.

  “Ruby…what’s wrong? Did I say something—?”

  Shaking her head, she swiped at her eyes. “No. No. It’s just…like you said. It’s hard seeing all these kids who’ll never have families. I wish I could take them all in. Before they end up on the wrong path.” Before Brooklyn fell into an abusive relationship like she had…

  “Yeah.” He rubbed a hand up and down her arm. “I know what you mean.” A sigh slumped his shoulders, and his typical cheerful expression tightened into concern.

  Her stomach clenched at the sudden change. Something was off. “What’s wrong?”

  He hesitated, then faced her. “I have a new theory about the thefts.”

  The serious look on his face made her fingers fidget. Whatever it was she was pretty sure she wouldn’t like it. “Okay. What’re you thinking?”

  “Javon. I saw him showing off a brand-new iPhone earlier.”

  “No.” Ruby scooted away from him. She shook her head. “Javon wouldn’t do that.”

  Sawyer studied her for a long time without saying anything. Then his eyes shifted like he was torn. “Did your foster parents ever buy you anything like that?” he asked carefully.

  Never. She’d never gotten any gifts from the foster parents she’d lived with. There were so many stories of wonderful, warm, and loving foster parents, like Neveah’s, who doted on her as though she was the daughter they’d always longed for. But that hadn’t been her experience. “There are foster parents out there who treat the kids like their own,” she said, because he couldn’t believe that Javon would steal from the Walkers.

  “Well, sure. That’s how I’d treat them.” Sawyer paused. “But with the other stuff he was saying, it doesn’t add up. And he’s only been with these foster parents for a month.”

  “Maybe they gave it to him as a welcome gift,” she said stiffly. Did he even realize how stereotypical he sounded? Yes, the kid dressed like he didn’t care what people thought. Yes, he had a rough mouth. But that didn’t make him a criminal.

  “Look, I know it’s not pleasant, but I have to talk to him about it. To all of them, actually.”

  Ruby shot to her feet, her hammering heart trampling all the feelings she’d had for Sawyer only minutes before. “Do you know what that’ll do to him? After this great week, you’re going to ruin it all by accusing him of stealing?”

  “I won’t accuse him of anything,” he said firmly. “I only want to ask him about it.”

  “Like you asked me?” she ground out. “No offense, Sawyer, but you have a tendency to sound suspicious when you ask questions.”

  He stood, too, towering over her. “The first theft happened after they got here, Ruby. Then it happened again when they came back from the backpacking trip.” His jaw tightened around the words. “That can’t be a coincidence. Bryce has never had a problem before.”

  “You can’t do this.” He was going to ruin the whole week! Every memory those kids had would be tarnished by the accusations. “They already feel like outcasts. What do you think this’ll do to them?” She
fought to keep her voice calm and even but was quickly losing the battle. “They came here to get away, to feel safe, to escape the reality of their lives.” She knew the reality they lived and it was nothing Sawyer Hawkins could even imagine. “But I don’t expect you to understand that. Not everyone has such an idyllic childhood,” she spat.

  “I care about them, too.” The anger in his eyes matched hers. “That’s why I have to ask. I don’t have a choice. If one of them took the money, they have to be held accountable.”

  “None of them took the money!” Her hands fisted. “Do you hear me? It wasn’t them.”

  “I guess we’ll find out tomorrow, won’t we?” he asked, and now he was just being a dick.

  “You’ll find out. I won’t be around.” She wouldn’t watch him break their hearts. They thought the world of Sawyer, and now he was turning on them, just like everyone else did. She thought he was different, that he understood where she came from—where those kids came from. But it turned out he was just as judgmental as everyone else.

  “Ruby—”

  “Good night, Sawyer.” She spun and started to walk away, but he clamped a hand onto her forearm, his grip tight, fingers digging into her skin. A shock of fear bolted her feet to the ground.

  “Don’t walk away. Let’s talk about this,” he said, and, even though he wasn’t yelling at her anymore, her body shook.

  “Don’t touch me,” she rasped.

  Instantly he let her go and backed up a step. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  Trembles rattled her shoulders, the aftershocks spreading down her arms and legs until it felt like the ground had started to shake. No one was allowed to touch her like that. To force her to do anything. Never again.

  “Are you okay?” Sawyer’s face had paled. Concern set his jaw. “I would never hurt you.” He reached for her, but she flinched back, stumbling.