Fire Down Below

by Andrea Simonne

  “Excuse me,” Miss Best-In-Show says, glaring at me. “You’d better watch who you’re calling a tramp.”

  “I’m calling you a tramp,” I say.

  She makes a move like she’s going to stand up, but then thinks better of it when she sees the murderous gleam in my eyes.

  “Kate, knock it off! You have no idea what you’re talking about. Heather and I are just friends.”

  “And that’s why you’ve never told me about her before, because you’re just friends?”

  Ben looks uneasy and then glances around at all the people watching us. His expression changes to stone. “We’ll discuss this later.”

  “Yes, why don’t you go,” Heather has the nerve to say to me.

  “Why don’t you mind your own business?” I say back. “And while you’re at it, why don’t you go find your own man instead of trying to steal someone else’s you skanky bitch.”

  “That’s enough! Come on Kate, we’re leaving.” Ben puts his hand on my arm as if he expects me to walk to the door with him.

  “Get your hands off me. I’m not leaving with you!” I pull away and glare at him. “I sure hope it’s good with her Ben, because you will NEVER touch me again!”

  ***

  I walk shakily back towards the table I had with Lauren and Suzy, only to find them both standing at the edge of the seating area. Clearly they saw the whole thing.

  As I walk towards them a few of the women in the restaurant call out to me. “You go girl!” someone says and “That’s telling him!” I glance over at them and try to smile, though in reality I can’t even feel my face move. All I keep thinking is I’m in a bad dream I wish I could wake up from. I can’t believe I’m going through the same horrible thing with Ben all over again. Isn’t it bad enough that he broke my heart once? Now he has to break it again?

  Lauren immediately insists that we go to her house. Both she and Suzy are talking to me, but I’m in such a daze that it barely even registers what they’re saying. Suzy is staring at me with a worried expression.

  “Are you okay to drive?”

  “Yes, let’s get out of here. Are they gone yet?” I motion over my shoulder.

  Suzy nods. “They just left.”

  A few minutes later the three of us leave as well. Even though Lauren lives on the other side of Lake Washington the drive to her house feels like nothing. I keep thinking about the shock on Ben’s face when he first saw me at the restaurant. It wasn’t just shock, I realize. It was dismay. He was dismayed that I was there. And that’s not the way you look at someone you’re in love with. That’s the way you look at someone you don’t want to be with.

  Once we’re inside Lauren’s house, she and Suzy go into full mothering mode. They guide me into the living room and sit me down. Lauren breaks out the emergency vodka from her freezer and pours a couple of glasses for us. Suzy gets out a pint of ice cream and begins eating.

  “Hey, I thought that ice cream was supposed to be for me,” I say.

  “It is, but I’m pregnant and can’t drink.”

  “Fair enough.” I pick up my glass and take a large swallow, shivering as the alcohol burns going down. “I probably shouldn’t have thrown that water in Ben’s face. I was so pissed! I couldn’t believe he was there with her.”

  Lauren turns to me. “Do you know her? Was that Rochelle?”

  I shake my head. “It wasn’t Rochelle, it was someone else.” And I tell them how Ben and I spent that passionate night on his deck and how he carried on, telling me I was the only woman he wanted. “What a crock! He was obviously keeping his options open even back then.”

  “It does sound that way,” Suzy agrees.

  “That fucking bastard!” Lauren slams her drink down.

  Both Suzy and I look at her in surprise. Lauren rarely swears.

  “Listen,” she says, “I know what it’s like to be cheated on—okay? At least you’re finding out what kind of man he is now before you get married. You don’t want to go through what I did.”

  “I can’t believe Ben is that kind of man though. He never used to be. He must have changed and I didn’t notice. I saw what I wanted to—you know? The Ben from my twenties. The one I was still in love with.”

  Suzy swallows a bite of ice cream. “He might not be sleeping with her.”

  “Maybe,” I say, “but something is obviously going on.”

  “Do you think you’d still marry him if he stopped seeing her?”

  I consider her words. After the scene I made at the restaurant I doubt Ben would want to still marry me, but I don’t think I want to marry him either. “I don’t know.”

  ***

  When I get home it’s after midnight. Lauren wanted me to stay over, but I really needed to go home, take a hot bath, and pull my thoughts together. Once I walk in the door, I see Ben’s shoes. For a moment I’m confused and think he’s here, but then realize it’s just some shoes he left behind. Looking around I see all sorts of things that belong to him. A flash of anger rips through me and I immediately grab a trash bag from under the sink and throw stuff inside—clothes, shoes, jackets, toothbrush, all those bottles of vitamins, that jar of spirulina from the fridge, climbing magazines, CD’s—everything. When I’ve gathered all I can find, I drag the trash bag onto my front porch and leave it there, figuring when he wants his stuff back this is where he’ll find it.

  During my bath I hear my doorbell ring and know it has to be Ben. I’m surprised he’s not with her, but then he’d have to show up here sometime. Besides, Ben’s never been much of a procrastinator. Me, on the other hand, I’d rather not deal with him, so I sink further into my bath, hoping he’ll go away. Instead a few seconds later I hear him walking through my house. He has a key. How could I forget that?

  “Kate?” he opens the bathroom door and tries to come inside.

  “Get out!”

  “Why is all my stuff in a garbage bag on the front porch?” he yells through the door.

  “Why do you think?”

  I hear him grumble and then walk into the other room. Quickly I get out of the tub and wrap a bathrobe around myself. When I find him he’s sitting on the couch in the living room wearing a somber expression on his face.

  I sit in my leopard chair and glare at him. The room is dim with only a single lamp lit. The only sounds are distant noises in the neighborhood. Someone’s dog barks and then a car ignition starts down the street.

  “I’m not sleeping with her,” he finally says.

  “Ben, you were on a date with another woman. Maybe you’ve forgotten, but you’re engaged to me.”

  When he doesn’t respond I ask him the same question I did earlier—if it’s so innocent between him and Heather, why is it that he’s never mentioned her before?

  “Why do you think? Because I knew you’d react like this.”

  “You gave her your email and phone number that night we were at Bella Luna’s, didn’t you?”

  He shrugs. “I gave her my email after she gave me hers. I didn’t think anything of it.”

  “But then you had me tear up that paper. You acted like you weren’t interested in her or anyone else besides me.”

  “I didn’t think I’d ever hear from her and I didn’t really care one way or the other. She emailed me though and we sort of hit it off. I wasn’t lying to you that night. You were the only woman I wanted. ”

  “Obviously that’s changed now though, huh?”

  “I guess...it’s hard to explain.”

  “Have you kissed her?”

  He glances at me and then looks away.

  “What else?” I ask, feeling cold inside. “Have you touched her, fucked her, what?”

  He turns back. “We made out a couple times—all right? Is that what you want to hear? I just told you I’ve never slept with her, I wouldn’t do that. What does it matter though? Everything is so difficult between us. Aren’t you tired of it?”

  “And that’s the reason—because it’s easier with her?”


  “Yes, it’s easier. We have things in common. The only thing you and I seem to have in common is sex. I kept hoping things would be like they were. I was so in love with you. I loved you for years. It’s like I couldn’t even let go of it, but now I’m realizing it’s not possible for things to be like they once were.”

  It makes my heart ache to hear him say this, but if I’m honest with myself I know it’s true. “We can’t go back. You’re right. We’re different people now. We can only go forward.”

  He lets out a deep breath and puts his head back. “Maybe we should just take a break for a while.”

  “You mean break up, don’t you?”

  There’s a resigned expression on his face. “I think it’s for the best.”

  I give a curt nod, but don’t say anything more.

  “I should also tell you that I’m going away for Christmas.”

  I almost laugh. “Let me guess. You decided to go climbing in the Andes?”

  He’s startled. “How did you know that?”

  “When were you planning to tell me?”

  “I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but I didn’t know if it was going to work out or not. Listen, you’re still welcome to spend Christmas at my parent’s house. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.”

  Have I entered the Twilight Zone? Not only are Ben and I breaking up, but now I’m reduced to spending Christmas with his mother whom I detest, and who is no longer even going to be my future mother-in-law, and is probably the last person on earth I want to spend Christmas with.

  “No thanks. I’ll figure something else out.”

  “You know, this isn’t entirely my fault. What about you and Declan? Don’t tell me something isn’t going on there. I’ve seen the way you look at each other.”

  “And how is that?”

  Ben doesn’t say anything. When he speaks his voice sounds sad. “The way you and I once did a long time ago.”

  Our eyes meet and now it’s my turn to look away.

  “You’re closer to him than you are to me. How do you think that makes me feel?”

  “Don’t blame this on Declan—okay? I’m not dating him behind your back. We’re close because we’re friends.”

  “So you keep saying. Maybe you need to examine your feelings and decide what you really want.”

  I let out a deep breath, but don’t say anything.

  “Believe it or not Kate, when all is said and done I still want us to be friends.”

  I gaze down at the diamond ring twinkling on my finger and decide to take it off. “Here.” I hold it out to him.

  “I gave that to you. It’s yours.”

  “I don’t want it.” My voice sounds harsher then I intend and I try to soften it. “It was your grandmother’s, Ben. Your family should have it back.”

  He puts his hand out and I drop the ring inside. It was never really mine anyway. Looking at my finger I realize it doesn’t look as empty as I thought it would. Instead it looks like me, my hand, the one I’ve gotten to know quite well over the years. And that’s not such a bad thing.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “It all sounds so civilized,” Suzy says, when I tell her about what happened between me and Ben. “No yelling or objects being thrown. What kind of break-up is that?”

  “There was that glass of water I threw in his face.”

  She gives me a droll smile. “Well, I guess that’s something. Are you sure you guys are even broken up? It doesn’t sound definite enough.”

  “I gave the ring back, how much more definite do you want? Besides I can’t imagine us getting married anymore.”

  “Really? You don’t seem that upset about it.”

  I shrug my shoulders.

  It’s weird, but I’m not that upset. Maybe it’s because I’ve gone through it once before and a part of me was expecting it. I don’t know. What I do know is that I feel light and free and not at all shattered like the last time Ben and I broke up.

  After that night when I gave him his ring back, I called in sick to work for the rest of the week, but instead of crying or drowning my sorrows in a vat of ice cream sandwiches, I’ve been playing with Photoshop software on my computer and listening to Billie Holiday CD’s. Mostly I feel like a great burden has been lifted from me. What’s even crazier is I don’t feel angry towards Ben for getting involved with Heather. Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true. I do feel angry about that. He shouldn’t have gone out with her behind my back, but I don’t feel resentful like you think I would. In some ways I even understand it.

  I haven’t told my parents about our breakup yet because I’m worried they’ll cancel their trip to stay home with me for Christmas. Lauren invited me to fly down to California and spend the holidays with her and Paul, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that. I know I’d be too much of a third wheel. Suzy invited me to spend it at her parent’s house, but I’m sure Nina has invited Declan and watching the two of them together would be worse than spending Christmas alone, which is what I’ve finally decided to do.

  I figure—how bad could it be? I’ll put on some good music, rev up my espresso machine, and spend the day on my computer. I’ve been coming up with some cool ideas for creating art using mixed media.

  Suzy and Lauren have been calling and stopping in all week to check on me and make sure I’m okay. They’re both concerned that I’m in denial and that I’m going to start freaking out at any second. I keep wondering if they’re right. It is odd that I’m not heartbroken or sticking pins into a Ben voodoo doll. Instead this bizarre thought keeps going through my head.

  Ben has given me a gift.

  It isn’t until Declan shows up on my doorstep Friday afternoon that I feel my equanimity rattled.

  “Hey,” he says, looking me over with a concerned expression. “Are you okay? I just heard what happened.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Why didn’t you call me?” He follows me into the living room. “I know you have Suzy and Lauren, but I like to think I’m someone you can lean on too.”

  “I know, I’m sorry.” In truth I’m not sure why I haven’t called Declan. I guess I didn’t want it to look like I was running to him, especially after what Ben said about the two of us.

  We sit down on opposite ends of the couch. Declan’s wearing dark slacks and a gray button-down shirt beneath his heavy wool coat. I’ve noticed he’s more put together these days for work, meeting clients and such. I feel so attracted to him that I have to turn my head away, certain he’ll see.

  “I understand you haven’t been to work all week. I was worried about you when I heard that. Are you really all right Kate?”

  “I called in sick, but I’m doing fine. How did you hear about all this? From Nina?”

  “No, your friend Suzy just called and told me what’s been going on. I had no idea. I left work immediately to come over here.”

  “You didn’t have to do that.” Though a small part of me is thrilled that he did—that I’m important enough for him to drop everything.

  “I have to admit, you don’t seem upset or like you’ve been crying.” His blue eyes scan me.

  “No, it’s weird, but I haven’t cried at all.”

  “So what have you been doing all this time?”

  I grin and a bubble of laughter escapes me. I almost feel embarrassed that I’m so cheerful. I hope this isn’t a delusional state I’m in.

  “I’ve been playing around with graphics software on my computer and have come up with some interesting ideas using paint and digital images.”

  “And that’s what you’ve been doing all week?”

  I nod. “That and listening to Billie Holiday.”

  A smile plays around the edges of Declan’s mouth. “I didn’t know your taste in music ran that way.”

  “I guess she’s grown on me.” I say this quietly, thinking of the night I listened to her at Declan’s apartment. I remember how much I wanted him then. I thought it was the alcohol making me feel that way, but I k
now now that it wasn’t. Maybe it is time to start being honest with myself.

  “I can burn some CD’s for you if you’d like.”

  “That would be great.”

  Declan grins at me and then leans back against the couch, resting his arm on the back cushion. “Christ, I blazed over here, thinking you were in trouble, but I’m glad to see I had nothing to worry about. Have you told your parents yet about you and Ben?”

  “No.” And after I explain my reason for not doing so, Declan gets a frown on his face.

  “So you’re planning on spending Christmas alone?”

  I shrug. “It’ll be fine. I’m a big girl now, I can handle it.”

  He studies me as if he’s thinking something over. “Why don’t you come to Ireland with me?”

  “What?” I look at him in surprise. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean you invited me to spend Thanksgiving with you, why don’t you let me return the favor? Come spend Christmas with me.”

  “But I thought you weren’t going this year because you couldn’t leave things at work.”

  “No, it’s fine.” He waves his hand, dismissing this. “We’ve got coverage. I’m leaving for Dublin next week. Seriously Kate, why don’t you fly over too?”

  “I can’t do that.”

  “Why not?”

  I think of all the reasons I can’t possibly drop everything and fly off to Ireland. And the funny thing is I can’t come up with a single thing.

  “Well, there’s work,” I finally manage to say. “I’ve been calling in sick all week and if I take more time off they’ll probably fire me.”

  Declan shrugs. “So what? I’ll give you a job. You’ll come and work with me.”

  I think about this. I doubt they’d fire me for wanting to take more time off, but the thought of working with Declan sounds appealing.

  “You should do that anyway,” he continues. “I’ll let you work part time so you can pursue artist jobs.”