Ryder

by Dale Mayer

  “Don’t you want to get under the covers?” he asked.

  “Too much effort,” she mumbled.

  He nodded. “I’ll grab you another blanket.”

  Her eyes drifted closed. A blanket soon covered her and tucked up against her shoulders. “Thank you.”

  She let sleep reach out for her. Just as she went under, she thought a whisper of a ghostly kiss landed on her cheek. But since only Ryder was beside her, she knew she had to be wrong. He was a long way away from kissing her. Unfortunately.

  *

  Ryder stood at the end of her bed and watched as the exhaustion carried her under. She’d been a trooper. He hadn’t expected her to walk as far as they had to reach their transport. Thankfully they’d met up with their ride for the rest of the trip. She’d been silent after that. Detached. Maybe distancing herself from the heavy emotions that threatened to overwhelm her earlier. You learned a lot about a person when they were in trouble. Caitlyn had never disappointed him yet. She was a good person.

  He was still too shocked and astonished at her explanation for their breakup to really analyze it. He wanted to believe it. At the same time, it was hard to consider she hadn’t contacted him because she felt he deserved better.

  That had blown him away. To him she had always been a bright, bubbly, happy teenager who had turned into a beautiful young woman—confident, glowing, secure in her own femininity and sexuality. He’d always wanted her, but she’d never noticed. She’d always been after some other male.

  He hadn’t had a chance. Until that one weekend when she saw him as a man and not just a friend. He didn’t even know how it came about, but, when he finally held her in his arms, nothing held him back. He’d wanted her for so long. Never would he have thought taking that step would mean losing her. On the other hand, where they were right now was way better than where they had been two years ago. He’d been hurt, devastated that she wouldn’t return his calls—which made her original rejection even worse.

  Especially after declaring his feelings he’d kept hidden for so long. He was a straightforward guy. If asked a question, he’d give an honest answer. Staring down at her as she slept, he realized nothing had changed. He still wanted her. But he wanted all of her. Not to be just friends. Not a casual weekend. He wanted her to want him the same way. Heart. Mind. Soul. He spun and left her room only to find Corey outside waiting for him.

  With a quick assessing gaze, Corey put his hands on his hips and said, “Ryder, you should not be going down this path again.”

  Ryder gave a headshake. “Not planning on it. We’re friends.” He emphasized the word friends, knowing Corey wouldn’t believe him, but Ryder wasn’t ready to explain what he was still trying to understand.

  “There is no friends between you two. Not now. Not after what you shared.”

  “When did you get in?” Ryder asked, hoping to change the subject as he walked toward his quarters.

  “An hour ago. We got word you picked up both Caitlyn and the doctor, got them back safe.”

  “Are you off duty?” Ryder asked, realizing his fatigue had settled in. It was more emotional and psychological than physical, but one always affected the other.

  “We all are until 1300 hours.”

  Ryder checked his watch, then nodded. “Good.” At his quarters he found the others already getting ready to crash. He walked to his bed, prepared to do the same. Just because this particular rebel episode was over didn’t mean the team wouldn’t be called out again. Ryder hoped not. He’d been on his feet for well over thirty hours.

  The last thought as he dropped off to sleep was how he hoped Caitlyn slept soundly. For their relationship it was a whole new day. A whole new beginning.

  He hoped it would be a better one.

  Chapter 10

  Caitlyn awoke with tears running down the side of her face. Were they tears of joy that Ryder was back in her life, tears of release after a horrible night, or tears of relief that, when she woke up, she was in her own bed again? She lay in silence for a long moment, trying to figure out why. All she could think about was the bittersweet relief of having told Ryder why.

  There just never seemed to be simple answers anymore. She used to think she knew who she was inside and out but not anymore.

  She slid her fingers along her scalp, only to get them caught up in her blond curls. Her hair was still damp when she’d gone to bed, and it was now a tangled mess. She should have braided it first. But she’d been too tired to even think about doing that. At least she wasn’t hungry, which meant the oatmeal had held her through her sleep.

  She sat up slowly, groaning as her body protested. It would be a rough day, but, if she got to bed tonight and slept solid again, she should be fine in the morning. First things first though. She had to check in at the clinic. She stood and pulled on a change of clothes. She was surprised the tent was still empty. The other two nurses she knew well, Wendy and Colleen, should’ve been around. Caitlyn exited her tent and took several deep breaths.

  At the clinic she entered to cries of joy and relief. Wendy and Colleen were both there and gave her big hugs. “You sure you should be out of bed?” Wendy asked.

  Caitlyn smiled. “I’m fine.” Seeing her coworkers made her feel that much better. “What happened while I was gone?”

  “Nothing as exciting as what you went through. As a result of that mess, we have permanent guards now.” Wendy rolled her eyes.

  Caitlyn turned to look at the men standing at the doorway. One stared at Wendy with adoration. That explained the look in Wendy’s eyes. Wendy was a looker and attracted attention wherever she went. Both she and Colleen were happily married to servicemen. “How’s Dr. Robertson?”

  “He’s fine. He was in this morning already. Checked up on the patients and then crashed for a few hours. We haven’t seen him since.”

  Dr. Bruce walked over and said, “You don’t need to be here for the rest the day. Go back to bed.”

  “And I’ll be glad to have that time off,” Caitlyn said with a smile. “I did promise to check in with you this morning, but I am feeling better. Still, more rest would be good. But make sure you call me if you need me.”

  With assurances from the others, she turned and walked back outside. As she stood there, she realized her stomach was grumbling again. So much for the oatmeal. It had held her this long and no longer. She walked to the mess tent, this time starting with coffee and then headed to the food. She studied which of the fruits she wanted when Corey stepped up beside her and smacked his empty tray down.

  She looked at him with a half smile on her face. “So you’re going to be nice too?”

  “Not if you break his heart again.” Corey’s voice was hard. “And don’t bother telling me how you’re just friends.”

  She winced and served herself some berries. “We are friends. It’s my fault we stopped being friends. But it’s not how I want life to continue between us.”

  “You took everything he had and more the last time. I don’t want to see him back in that same space. If you’re planning a repeat performance, don’t.”

  She stared at Corey in horror. “I never would’ve done that if I’d known.”

  “You should’ve known.” Corey picked up his tray and walked past her, dropped the tray on one of the stacks and walked out, leaving her alone with her thoughts. And the pain. God, she hurt.

  But what she was thinking wasn’t very nice. With a little bit of food and coffee, she headed to a table at the far side and sat down alone, staring blankly at the room. The one mainstay in her world had been Ryder. Now what the hell was she supposed to do? Listen to Corey and walk away again? Was he making too big a deal out of Ryder’s reaction? Even if he was, she knew what she’d done would have hurt anyone. That it was Ryder made it so much worse. Or should she do what she needed to do for herself and make sure she had Ryder in her life in any way she could? And possibly hurt him all over again? Now she understood the adage that lovers should be good friends, but good
friends shouldn’t be lovers.

  Under her breath she whispered, “Talk about blowing it.”

  Even though she ate her food, she no longer wanted it.

  She sat at the mess table, unable to leave just yet. She wasn’t sure when she was due to return stateside. She knew it was soon but didn’t have the date in her head. She should check to make sure. Nor had she checked in with Mac. Now she really had something to share.

  She pulled her phone out and checked for messages, finding none. She sent Mac a text. Hey, how are you? She didn’t know what else to say. They’d taken him out in a chopper, and she knew he would return to full health, but she missed him. He seemed so far away.

  When she got a response almost immediately, it shocked her.

  I’m doing well. You?

  Not so well. Life sucks. As soon as she sent that, she realized she shouldn’t have. The man didn’t need to listen to her whining. He had bigger issues. She took a sip of coffee. Before she put her cup back down, her cell phone rang. She looked at the number, realizing it was Mac. She swiped to accept the call and said, “I didn’t mean to say that.” She quickly looked around the mess hall to see how many people could overhear her conversation.

  “Tell me what’s going on.”

  She quickly filled him in on the kidnapping, the escape and the few hours of sleep. “See? I’m just tired.”

  “And Ryder?”

  She sighed heavily and pinched her nose. “Supposedly we’re friends again.”

  Silence hung between them for a few moments. Cautiously he said, “You know you can’t be friends again, right?”

  Exasperated, she whispered, “Dammit, that’s what Corey just said to me too. How I basically broke Ryder and left him on the floor.”

  “I have to admit Corey’s right. Even though I didn’t talk to Ryder about it, he was really broken up about what happened between the two of you. I know it’s been unresolved for a long time.”

  “He doesn’t fully understand why. Maybe I don’t really understand either,” she said before he did. She sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  Mac sighed, but his voice was warm with understanding. “Do you want him in your life, or don’t you?”

  “I do. What I meant was, not enough time has passed to heal the hurts,” she said. “I tried to explain to him what happened. I know I didn’t do a good job of it though,” she admitted. “It’s a little hard when you’re walking back after being kidnapped.”

  “That’s when you told him?”

  “Yeah, that’s when I told him.” She gave a half laugh. “Obviously my common sense was missing.”

  “How did he take it?”

  “I think he was more stunned than anything.” She smiled at Mac’s chuckles. “When I exited the showers this morning, he was waiting for me. I had a bowl of oatmeal with him and we talked. He said we were friends again.”

  “Oh, that’s not happening.”

  “The thing is, Mac, I want so much more.”

  The silence stretched out for minutes. “You know that might never happen too, right?” he asked gently.

  This time her laugh bordered on hysterical. “I know. The thing is, that’s what I meant about not enough time passing. It’s not enough time for me to have forgotten him. It’s not enough time for me to let it go. It’s not enough time for me to be just friends. I still care.”

  Overcome by tears, she ended the phone call. Wiping away the tears from her eyes, she sent a text. Sorry. I’ll call you when I’m feeling better.

  She stared down at her food. It tasted like sawdust, but she quickly ate her way through it.

  She was about to stand when Wendy dropped into a seat across from her and said, “You look like shit. You need to have an affair.”

  Caitlyn stared at her in surprise. She shook her head. “That’s the last thing I need.”

  Wendy leaned forward and said, “How about Ryder? It’s obvious that man’s all over you.”

  Caitlyn felt the last little bit of color leave her skin. “No,” she said. “You’re wrong. That’s the last thing he wants.”

  Wendy gave her a slow smile. “Nope. I might be happily married but I know men. And that one is stuck on you.”

  “No,” Caitlyn said firmly. She needed to get Wendy off that idea.

  “Bull. Something is between you already.” Wendy clapped her hands together like a little kid. “Now this is fun.”

  “Drop it,” Caitlyn said quietly. “Please.”

  Wendy sat back as if insulted. “I wasn’t going to say anything to him.”

  Caitlyn rolled her eyes. “You’d say something to anybody if you thought that would get them into my bed.”

  Wendy chuckled. “Hey, you just need to lighten up a little bit. If not Ryder, then somebody else. You need to live a little.”

  Caitlyn sighed. Wendy really did mean well. She just had a very different idea of what living meant. And she wanted everybody to be happily in a relationship all the time. The last thing Caitlyn needed right now was a man in her life.

  *

  Ryder stared at his commander in surprise. He hadn’t expected to be shipped out so soon. Not that Baghdad was far away. But, then again, his world was nothing if not changeable. Sometimes moves came unexpectedly. Since the SEALs had gotten rid of the last of the rebel camp kidnapping their people and stealing their supplies, the local military here was handling the rest of the cleanup. So no need for him and his team. He just didn’t want to leave Caitlyn behind. On the other hand, he could visit with Mac in Baghdad.

  Mac was a good man. And if Caitlyn and he were truly just friends, maybe Mac could shed some light on the relationship they did have. And if she’d had anything to say about Ryder at any time.

  He couldn’t squash his need for more answers.

  With a clipped nod after getting his new orders, he and his team turned and left. Corey dropped back to speak with him. “We’re not leaving for another four hours.”

  “I heard,” Ryder said. He knew what Corey was nudging at. Caitlyn.

  “Are you going to tell her that we’re leaving?”

  Ryder nodded. “I will.” How could he not, especially at this delicate stage of their relationship? He quickly packed up. He hadn’t fully unpacked, preferring to always be ready to move as fast as he needed to. Then he headed to Caitlyn’s tent. He could hope she’d still be off work, but, knowing her, chances were she was in the clinic doing what she could to help out.

  Finding her tent empty, he headed back to the medical clinic. Dr. Robertson was there. He looked up and smiled. “She’s not here,” he said. “She’s going to Baghdad for a couple days.”

  Shocked that she was leaving and at her destination, Ryder raised his eyebrows. “Is she okay?”

  Dr. Robertson nodded. “She was due a few days off and decided to visit Mac. She’ll be back soon and then will have less than two weeks remaining before going stateside.”

  Ryder nodded. “Any idea where she is?”

  “She should be in her tent packing. If not, she could be on her way already.”

  Thanking the doctor, making sure he suffered no ill effects from his own kidnaping, Ryder turned to find a couple women standing behind him. “Do you know where Caitlyn is?”

  One of them, a tall curvy blonde, said with a wicked grin, “Looking for you.”

  Inasmuch as he tried to keep his face neutral, he could hardly keep the delighted grin from peeking through.

  The women laughed, and one of them said, “I thought so. She said there was nothing between the two of you, but I know better. I’ve seen the signs before, many times before.”

  He wasn’t sure what to make of that. “Many times before with her?”

  The woman shook her head. “No, not with her. Never with her. I thought there was something between her and Mac for the longest time, but she apparently not.”

  Thanking them, he turned and walked back outside. He headed for the end of the compound and entered the mess
tent to see Caitlyn sitting in the far corner with a cup of coffee and a notepad. He grabbed a cup for himself, walked over and sat down beside her. “Saying goodbye in a letter?”

  She looked up, and, to his delight, he saw the happy welcome on her face.

  He reached across, grasped her hand and said, “I was looking for you.”

  She squeezed his fingers. “I was looking for you,” she exclaimed. “I’ve got a few days, so I figured I’d visit Mac.”

  “And Macklin, is he okay?” Ryder asked gently. “We’re going to Baghdad too but not sure for how long.”

  “He is, yes,” she said. “I had the time coming and just wanted a change of scenery myself. It feels odd here now, knowing I’m done soon …”

  “After what you went through, getting out is a good idea. I wish you were going home today.”

  “I’m almost done. This could be my last chance to see Baghdad. I figured, why not?”

  “You said you were sorry,” he said abruptly. “But I never did. And that’s an oversight I’m not proud of.”

  She shook her head. “Please don’t apologize for that weekend.”

  “No, not for the weekend. Never for that,” he said with a wicked grin. “I should never have let you walk out that day. I don’t know what I could’ve done, thinking about it now, but I should’ve done something. We might’ve gotten to the bottom of it quicker, gone back to being friends without any tension in our relationship.” He took a deep breath. “So I’m sorry for not trying harder.”

  She shook her head. “Not your fault. I didn’t figure it out myself for months. So, although you might’ve convinced me to stay, it wouldn’t have brought me to the same awareness. Maybe I needed to do what I did.” She shrugged, sighed, then checked her watch. “I have to go.” She gave him an awkward half smile and stood.

  He studied her and asked, “If I’m staying long enough, do you want to get together in Baghdad?”

  Her gaze warmed. “If you want to, yes.”