Maybe This Life

by Grider, J. P.

  “Do I make you feel nervous?" Rick wanted to make her feel at ease, not anxious.

  She uttered a small sound before answering, “No, I’m fine.”

  “I’m sorry,” Rick began. “I just…I guess I feel pretty comfortable around you, that’s all. I’m sorry if I came on too strong.”

  Lena shook her head again. “No, that’s okay. You’re fine.” Lena hesitated momentarily and grinned. “So…. what’s your story?” Her slow ricochet back at him seemed to please her, if her smug expression was any indication..

  Rick snickered. “My story, huh? Well, where should I begin?”

  “At the beginning,” Lena joked. “How ‘bout…” Lena put her finger to her chin and tapped it a few times. “Do you have a girlfriend?” Her flinch told Rick that she probably hadn’t meant to say that. “I mean, do you have any siblings?” She recovered instantly.

  Rick enjoyed sitting in the car with Lena. It made him smile to see her fluster so easily. “I am an only child and no.” He shook his head. “I do not have a girlfriend.” He took a sideways glance at her and grinned. “But it was hard not to notice that you have a boyfriend.”

  Lena put her head down. “Yeah, well.”

  Rick tried to watch the road, but Lena’s expression looked so sad, he’d wanted to pull over and hold her. “Lena…about last week…at the bar. I am sorry that I got involved. It was definitely uncalled for…for what it’s worth.” He took his eyes off the road, a little too long, to allow for Lena to see his remorse. “I am sorry.”

  Lena rubbed the back of her neck with her hand. “Thank you.”

  “So…what’s his name? Vinnie?”

  “Vince.”

  Rick detected an edge to her voice. He couldn’t tell if maybe there was a problem between her and Vince, or if the subject of Vince were off-limits to Rick. He figured he’d err on the side of caution and drop the subject. “Do you have any siblings?”

  “Five. Four brothers, one sister. I’m the oldest.”

  “Wow. Six of you? I guess things never get boring at your house.”

  “Well, they do,” another little sound emanated from Lena’s throat, “because I live on my own now. It’s quiet there…” Lena looked down at her lap. “It gets lonely…and boring. I go home a lot.” Rick caught a smile on her face when he glanced over at her.

  “You’re a close family then?”

  “Oh yes. I mean…we have our moments, but most of the time we really enjoy each other.”

  It surprised Rick to be so pleased to hear that. “Your parents? Are they happy people?” This felt important to ask.

  “Oh sure. Mom’s always walking around singing some old Bon Jovi song and Dad’s always joking around.”

  “Are you being sarcastic?” Unsure of her tone, Rick needed to ask.

  “No.” Lena laughed. “I’m serious…of course, they never are.”

  “Serious, you mean?”

  “Mm hmm. They’re a lot of fun. I’m lucky to have them.”

  Rick felt something. Something very wrong. “Why are you sad then, Lena?”

  “Sad? I’m not sad.” Lena answered him much too quickly. “Why would you say that?” Lena’s question had annoyance written all over it.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you…looks like I’m getting off on the wrong foot here.” Rick glanced at pretty little Lena. “Or sticking my foot in my mouth rather.”

  “It’s okay,” she mumbled.

  Rick desperately wanted to win her over, but he rendered the exact opposite reaction. He was pushing her away. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her staring out the passenger window and clasping her necklace like it would transport her out of his truck if she wished hard enough.

  “Lena, I didn’t mean to imply anything. I really am sorry. I must be making a terrible impression on you…can we…start over?”

  Lena’s gaze didn’t stray from the road outside, but Rick saw a hint of a smile making its way onto her face. Good, he thought. Maybe all wasn’t lost yet.

  “My name is Rick. Yours?” He heard a chuckle. “What’s that now? I think I missed it…”

  “Lena.” He heard another of her nervous laughters. “My name is Lena.”

  “Aaah. Nice to meet you Lena. Do you have any hobbies?”

  “I like to bake…and crochet…I like to crochet.” Lena’s faced turned a flattering pale pink.

  “Crochet, huh? That’s an old-fashioned thing to do for someone so young.”

  “Yeah, I guess so…” Lena looked back down at her lap.

  “It wasn’t a put-down. Please don’t think that. I…”

  Lena didn’t let him finish. “Rick. It’s all right. I didn’t take offense. I like crocheting. It relaxes me and I well, I found that I was good at it. Who knew?”

  “I knew," Rick said to himself.

  “What?”

  Rick shook his head. “Uh…I mean…I knew, well, I’ve heard it’s very relaxing. To crochet.”

  “Oh…yeah, it is.”

  Whew. “So...what do you like to bake?”

  “Oh.” Excited to answer, Lena’s voice raised an octave. “I have this old cookbook that my grandmother won when she was a little girl. It has the best recipes in it. I’ve tried almost all of them, but I think the old-fashioned butter cookies are my favorite. I add different extracts to the recipe. I just love…I’m sorry. I’m rambling.”

  “No. No.” Rick couldn’t help but be filled with joy. He loved her passion. “You like baking. I get it.”

  The blush on her cheeks now turned a deeper pink, and Rick found that more endearing to him than her love of old traditions.

  He would have kept driving just to keep listening to Lena talk, but they’d reached the Alpine municipal complex and it was already approaching 10:30am.

  Chapter Eight

  Lena felt relief during the meeting when she’d realized the only questions the citizens of Alpine had were technical ones. So about halfway through it, she’d relaxed and found herself captivated by Rick’s knowledge and the ease at which he spoke to the crowd. Confident and composed, Rick emanated coolness. Yes...he was…cool. Lena laughed at her description of him. Since when had she ever considered a guy cool? This wasn’t some leather-clad 1950s biker or something like that, but Rick possessed such a positive air about him that she couldn’t think of a better word. Well, maybe she could, but…cool came to mind first.

  Back in the Wrangler, and more nervous than before, Lena feared Rick would notice that, while they were in the meeting, she'd become even more fascinated by him. Would she be able to hide her attraction?

  “So...that was an interesting meeting,” Rick started.

  “Yes.” Lena wanted so badly to say something intelligent, but words were failing her.

  “Are you hungry? Maybe we could grab some lunch before going back.”

  “Oh. Uh.” This made Lena antsy. Sure, it was just lunch, but what would Vince think if he found out. He’d never understand that she and Rick were just co-workers. He’d flip. And besides, Lena's increasing infatuation with Rick would make it feel more like a date. “Do you think Dan will mind?” She feigned being more worried about her boss than her fiancé.

  “Heck no. We always stop after one of these meetings. I’ll call him and let him know.”

  “Oh…okay…I guess.” Lena wanted to go to lunch with Rick. She really did. But she also knew that her attraction to him would only deepen. And she wasn’t completely sure if spending more time with Rick would be the smartest thing to do.

  Portobello’s Restaurant was teeming with executives working through lunch. Yet even though the clientele were mostly professionals, Lena couldn’t help but feel as if she were on a date. She had the butterflies in her stomach to thank for that. Poor Rick. Clueless to Lena’s growing crush on him, he probably thought she was some timid creature. Well…in a way she was…but usually she’d have a bit more composure than the tangle of nerves she presented today.

  “And for you, Mis
s?” The waiter, interrupting Lena’s mulling, inquired about her menu choice.

  “Oh…I’m sorry.” Lena hadn’t even focused on the words on the menu, she'd merely gazed at it. “Um, I guess…I’ll have…” She glanced quickly at the menu, her eyes darting across it, but not settling on anything, so she opted for a safe standby. “I’ll just have the pasta.”

  “Pasta?” the waiter mocked. “What kind of pasta?” he quipped. “We have about two dozen options.”

  Lena felt the warmth in her face and knew she'd turned some shade of crimson, adding to her humiliation. She grabbed on to her locket and fumbled with it near her face. “Oh, uh…just a marinara sauce, please.”

  The waiter abruptly took her menu and stormed away.

  “I guess I made him mad.” Lena, still fumbling with the locket, looked down at the table, afraid to meet Rick’s eyes.

  “Well, he shouldn’t have gotten mad,” Rick replied. “It’s his job to be courteous. He wasn’t doing his job.”

  Lena shrugged a shoulder and twisted in her seat, unable to speak yet from all of her awkwardness.

  Rick must have realized it, because he tilted his gorgeous head to one side and gave her one of those pitying smiles, “Lena, sweetheart, don’t worry about it. You were fine.”

  Sweetheart? Did he actually call her sweetheart? Okay, Lena had to shake this off. She was a twenty-five year old woman, not a fifteen year-old girl giddy with puppy love. “I know,” she answered. “I’m good…. So…I’ve never been here.” Her eyes slowly scanned the dining room. “It’s nice.”

  “It is. We have a lot of our business lunches here, it’s just…the place to go, I guess.” Rick paused. “So, tell me about yourself. Where’d ya go to school?”

  “You mean college?”

  “Okay.” Rick laughed.

  Lena did too. “I went to Seton Hall.”

  “Impressive. Did you study PR?”

  “Uh, no, not really. I mean, I’d taken some PR classes, but…I studied Television and Film Production.”

  “Wow. Cool.” Rick knitted his brow. “Why are you here, then?”

  “You mean at cable?”

  “Yes.”

  “Um, not sure, really. It…” Lena shook her head. “It just didn’t work out…in television, I guess.”

  Rick placed his fist under his chin and looked her right in the eyes, as if he were assessing something. He looked like he wanted to say something, but then sat back in his chair. “You’re young. I’m sure it’ll all work out.”

  She found his question puzzling, because Lena had the instinctual feeling that he had wanted to say something entirely different. What wasn’t he saying?

  "I’m not sure if I even want that anymore,” Lena answered quietly.

  “Well, what do you want?”

  “I’m happy where I am, I guess.”

  “Really? Because it doesn’t seem that way.”

  What? Why did he keep saying that? “Why do you keep saying that?” Irritated, Lena’s voice rose in frustration.

  Rick skewed up his face, looking baffled, and asked, “Keep saying what?”

  Lena rolled her eyes toward the ceiling, then concentrated on fixing them on Rick’s. “You keep saying that I’m not happy. I am happy,” Lena scowled.

  Rick chuckled. “You look it.”

  Lena pursed her lips again. This man infuriated her…when he wasn’t turning her on. She repeatedly slid her locket from side to side across its chain. “I’m fine.” Her response, clipped and defensive, she was mad at herself for letting this man’s opinion bother her.

  “I’m sure you are.” He smiled. “Listen, Lena, my intention is not to anger you. I swear.” Rick held up both his hands in surrender. “You may find it hard to believe,” he continued, “but I’d really like to be your friend.” He reached for her hand across the table.

  The fiery warmth of his hand on hers sent a current through her so intense, she felt her heart burning beneath her chest. She felt the electricity. Of course, the responsible thing for an engaged woman to do would be to pull away, but Lena found this simple task extremely difficult. After a long couple of seconds, she slowly slid her hand from his and placed it on her lap. His emerald eyes were potent magnets, gripping at her soul, as he stared intensely into her eyes. Because of the impact his gaze had on her, she had to force herself to look away. She opted instead to look at her water glass. Fortunately, the waiter had broken the awkward silence by serving their meals.

  “I like your heart,” Rick decided to say at the same moment Lena was putting a forkful of pasta in her mouth.

  “Hmm?” Lena attempted to respond with as much couth as someone with a mouthful of food could muster.

  “Your heart.” Rick pointed a finger at the spot just below her neck. “Your necklace.”

  “Oh.” Lena cupped her hand around the locket again and slid it across the chain a few times. “Thank you.”

  “It looks old.”

  "It is.” Lena continued on with her meal.

  “Okay.” Rick seemed uncomfortable now. “I guess you’re still agitated with me. Why don’t we just finish our lunch and get going?”

  Lena felt bad now. She didn’t mean to alienate Rick; she just didn’t want to explain her perpetual sadness. How could he tell she was unhappy anyway? Usually so careful to hide her weariness, Lena couldn't understand how this beautiful, wondrous man could see right through her. He caught a glimpse of her soul, and she wasn’t sure how to pull the shades down to keep him from peering in.

  Chapter Nine

  At home, Lena changed into her sweats and restlessly waited for Vince to come over. She wondered if he would give her the ring back. She kind of hoped he wouldn’t. It'd make things so much easier if he were to break things off. If he didn’t, then she’d be stuck with having to make that decision herself. She'd also been afraid Vince would ask her about her day, and she’d have to divulge that she went to lunch with another man. Vince would never understand that Rick was just a co-worker. Especially since Lena’s temperature raised a few degrees every time she was near Rick. Sometimes just thinking about him made her feel warm all over. Could Vince know this? Lena sure hoped not; she couldn’t imagine what Vince would do if he realized she was attracted to another man. Certain his stormy temper would take over, her body trembled with the thought.

  All her worrying had been for naught. Vince wasn’t concerned with Lena’s day, her thoughts, or the engagement. He showed up, handed her the ring, and began his yelling.

  “Hurry up, Lena. I need you to drive,” he roared. “I’m out of weed.”

  His one concern this evening? The need to get more marijuana. Unbelievable. “Drive? You want me to drive you to Paterson so you can buy drugs?” A flabbergasted Lena asked as she slipped the ring back on her finger, disappointed that she lost a convenient opportunity to end their engagement.

  “Geez, Lena, you make it sound like a crime.”

  “It is a crime. Last I checked, pot was still illegal,” she declared. She did not like this. She already disliked being around him while he smoked it, did she need to be part of the purchasing of it as well? “I’m not comfortable with…”

  “Shut it, Lena, and get in your car.”

  “Vince, I don’t want to…”

  “Get in,” he growled and then grabbing hold of her arm, shoved her against the car, opened the door and pushed her in. “Here are your damn keys.” He threw them on her lap and got in on the passenger’s side.

  This part of Paterson unfamiliar to Lena, her body shivered in fear. The steep hill they descended could have actually been the road that led to the gates of Hell. As far as Lena was concerned, this was Hell. At the very bottom of the hill were ‘The Projects.’ Not ‘The Projects’ that Vince took her to last time, filled with signs of family life – kids riding their bikes, mothers sitting on their front steps, and laundry hanging from the clothes lines. No. These ‘Projects’ held despair and hopelessness. Young adults destitute of love. Boys
carrying guns and weapons. Teenagers having sex in the alleys. This was out of Lena’s comfort zone, and at this very moment she wished she could have stood up to Vince and demanded he go buy his drugs alone.

  Vince had her stop at a group of guys who seemed to be expecting him. One of them approached Vince, showed him a little Ziploc baggie, and with little communication and a simple exchange of goods, Vince’s drug interaction was complete. Vince instructed Lena to make two right-hand turns, and they now ascended the street that brought them back to civilization.

  Disgusted with herself for allowing her resolve to crumble and letting Vince to strong-arm her into his illegal jaunt, her heart squealed in pain. She knew right from wrong, and this was wrong. Very wrong. Though she found it difficult to say no to Vince, saying yes all the time was getting old. She wanted to tell him no, damn-it. She wanted to tell him to 'shove-it' sometimes. What she wanted…was out of this relationship.

  How could she not have seen it before? Lena did not belong with Vince. Not at all,…but how would she convey that to him? He…he’d go insane when she showed up late to his house. What would he do when she told him she wanted to break off their engagement? He would fly off the handle. He’d hurt her. Of that, she was certain. Darn, why couldn’t he have just kept the ring? Why couldn’t she just not have taken it back? It should have been so easy to say ‘you know what, Vince? Keep it.’ But no, she took the ring back without saying a word, in true Lena fashion. Being a coward would keep her stuck in this situation forever…unless she could find the strength to stand up to him. She needed to find that strength. Determined to find it, she made a promise to herself to do so.

  Instead of agonizing over her recent revelation to become a stronger person, she decided to drop Vince at his car and go up to her apartment to sleep. Too tired to think, too tired to breathe, she must have passed out immediately, because soon she had propelled into another nightmare – more unsettling, more violent than the others. A horrid man in a suit was striking her across the face repetitively. In her arms, a baby. At her ankle, a toddler. Another child, crying in the corner, was begging the man to stop hurting his mama.