Maybe This Life

by Grider, J. P.

She let out a gentle laugh and seemed to relax as well.

  “Sit down,” he requested, taking her hand as they sat down on the tablecloth. “I have turkey or roast beef.” He held one up in each of his hands.

  “Turkey, please,” she answered, taking the sandwich.

  He placed the drinks on the blanket. He took a water, she, the Diet Coke.

  “I’m glad you came today,” Rick started. “To be honest, I’m surprised.”

  Lena shrugged and responded quietly. “I’m surprised I agreed.”

  “Did you not want to?”

  “Oh, I very much wanted to…but…I wasn’t sure that I should,” she said, twisting her mouth and fiddling with her fingers.

  “I only intend to be a friend, Lena. Please, don't worry about that. Vince has no need to worry.” Rick attempted a straight face as he said her fiancé’s name.

  “Oh.”

  Looking down at her lap, disappointment washed across her face. “Lena. What’s the matter?”

  “What? Nothing, why?"

  “I know I’ve only known you just a short time,” he lied, “but I feel I can read you fairly well. Something’s wrong.”

  She shook her head. “No. Really. Nothing’s wrong. It’s better, actually,” she offered willingly.

  Rick waited, like a schoolboy expecting his first kiss, for her to continue.

  “Vince and I broke up.”

  This was good news. Though he didn’t want to show too much enthusiasm and risk coming across as insensitive. “Oh,” he said, attempting to keep his mouth from curling up into a smile.

  But then she shut down.

  “Lena? Are you all right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did he break it off with you?”

  “No.” Her eyes began to swell. “I broke up with him.”

  “Do you regret it?”

  Her tears found their way out and streamed down her cheeks. “No.”

  This time, though, Rick waited, aware that she wanted to say something, in her own time. So he sat and waited, then wiped her cheek with a napkin.

  After a thoughtful couple of minutes, her tears slowed and she spoke.

  “I shouldn’t have let it get this far.” Her head shook in regret. “It should have been over so, so long ago.” She brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them. “He was terrible, Rick. You don’t know. And I couldn’t tell anyone. I wanted to, but…I thought he’d get better. And then…” She closed her eyes, recalling a bad memory, maybe? To gather courage? “Then…it was too late.” Her eyes were still closed and she began to tremble.

  Rick inched closer, but with Lena’s eyes still closed and her arms still wrapped tight around her knees, she held up a hand. A gesture to inform him to please stay where he was, he thought. “I never wanted to…I wasn’t ready…he didn’t care." She swallowed hard. "He didn’t even believe I was still a virgin.”

  Oh hell. “Lena, did he rape you?” Rick fumed, unable this time to calm his pounding heart. He wanted to throw up.

  Lena’s eyes flew open, once again filling with tears. But she kept them wide, like she was trying hard to keep the tears from escaping again.

  “Oh, Lena.” Rick’s spirit deflated. “Couldn’t you report him? Tell your parents? Something?”

  She bit her bottom lip and leaned her head on her own shoulder, still hugging her knees, still attempting to comfort herself.

  The hell with staying where he was. Lena needed to be held. He moved in closer alongside her and took her in his arms, freeing her tears.

  “Lena?” Rick whispered. “Does he always force himself on you?”

  Rick felt the nod on his shoulder.

  “Still?”

  Another nod.

  “Oh, honey. I am so sorry I didn’t find you sooner.” Rick had his eyes closed now.

  Lena lifted her head. “Found me sooner?”

  "Uh, yes, I wish I had met you before he did.”

  She put her head back down on him. “Oh, yeah. Me too.”

  “Lena,” Rick said almost tentatively. “That night I came over, is that what had happened? Vince, I mean?”

  He felt another nod on his shoulder. This time, though, it was accompanied by a small whimper.

  “Oh, sweetie. Why haven’t you reported him?”

  She raised her head and twisted to look at him, her tears threatening to escape again. Lena seemed determined to remain in control. “Who would believe me, Rick? I mean besides my family.” Her voice got stronger as she continued. “Besides, if my father and brothers knew, they’d kill him. Then we’d have a murder on our hands. That would be worse.”

  Rick nodded. “It seems that’d be what he deserved though.” He tried his best not to let the smoldering rage inside him explode. Lena needed him more than he needed to punch the living daylights out of Vince..

  “No. No, he doesn’t. Nobody deserves that.”

  “How could you say that, Lena? He’s a monster.” Rick could barely contain his anger any longer. “And he raped you.” That word alone, used in conjunction with Lena, made him nauseous.

  But with a compassionate sigh, she whispered, “He’s sick, Rick. I truly believe he may be bi-polar.”

  Rick harrumphed. “That may be, but you can’t tell me that just because he may be mentally ill, that it is okay for him to rape you and god-dammit, Lena, that is exactly what he did.” Rick lost it. “Just because he is your fiancé…was your fiancé, doesn’t mean he can have you any time he damn well pleases,” he cried. “He is wretched…and I could kill him. I really could…”

  “Hold on there, Rick,” Lena interrupted, withdrawing herself from Rick’s side. Standing, she continued. “Listen,” she shook her head, “no, he should not have done what he had, but he wasn’t all bad. He really had a soft side. I may be tolerant of a lot and I may put up with things he shouldn’t do, but it wasn’t ‘cause I was so weak I couldn’t pull away. It was…I guess, I felt sorry for him.” She turned her back to Rick, but didn’t walk away, thank God. Rick stood but didn’t move closer. “He didn’t know any better, Rick. He had the richest parents in town, but they'd barely paid any attention to him. He grew up with one nanny after another, no one ever really showing him any love...he couldn’t help how he was.”

  “Lena.” Rick proceeded cautiously, knowing he was on thin ice. “Everybody has a past to get over. There is never an excuse to hurt another human being.” Rick realized the irony of his statement after recalling previously wanting to kill Vince.

  Lena shuddered, slumping her shoulders forward. “No. I know you’re right…I just don’t want to believe he could be deliberately malicious.”

  Rick went ahead and moved toward her, placing his hand on her shoulder as she stood still looking toward the lake.

  “At least it’s over, Lena. At least it’s over.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Lena felt bad defending Vince, but they had encountered some good moments in their relationship and she did feel sympathetic toward him. At times, she really thought Vince could never evolve into a mature human being. All the drugs he had done, and the lack of nurturing, surely contributed to his immaturity. Violence was never okay, but Lena knew that Vince had some kind of chemical imbalance, and if he had ever admitted to needing help, she was certain he could get well.

  But Rick had been right. It was no excuse. She could no longer be the brunt of Vince’s shortcomings. Though her heart sank for Vince, she had to admit, she was glad it was over.

  Lena turned toward Rick. “Yeah, it’s over.” She sighed. There was an awkward silence before Lena noticed Rick gazing at her mouth, then her eyes, then her mouth again. Lena had involuntarily done the same to Rick, but as he leaned forward, she bent her neck so that his mouth brushed the top of her head. She closed her eyes, afraid of Rick’s reaction. She bit her upper lip and cringed. How horrible she must have made him feel, but she could not allow him to kiss her. She’d only just broken up with Vince. It was unjustifiable. As much as the thought of
Rick’s beautiful mouth on hers drove her wild, she felt an obligation to mourn the death of her engagement, for at least a little while.

  Rick just shrugged it off. He put his arm around Lena and led them back to the tablecloth. “C’mon. Let’s eat. We’ll probably need to head back to the office soon.”

  They sat. He took a bite of his sandwich, but she just sipped her soda. After all the emotions she’d just experienced, her stomach felt queasy and she had no desire to eat. Rick seemed to notice. “Lena, if you’d rather have something sweet.” He rummaged through the basket and pulled out a white bag. “I have a couple black and white cookies.” He handed her the white bag.

  “Black and white cookies?” She looked in the bag and pulled one out. “Oh my goodness, I love these things.” Her stomach may have felt funny, but for a black and white, she’d deal with it. “You know, these were my great-great-grandmother’s favorites. Of course, I never knew her, but Mimi tells me every time she brings them over.”

  “Mimi?”

  “Oh, that’s my great-gram. My mom’s grandmother.”

  “Wow. She’s still alive?”

  Lena chuckled. “Of course, she’s only ninety.”

  Now Rick laughed. “Only ninety? I say that’s quite an accomplishment.”

  “Yeah, well, Mimi’s great. Her mom had her young. She was only fifteen. I don’t know, Mimi tells me her mom married an older man, and he insisted they marry young or something. She never finished school or anything.”

  “Who? Your Mimi?”

  “Oh no, my Mimi’s mother.”

  “Ah.” Rick’s eyes glazed over, as if he were recalling something important.

  “Anyway, my great-grandmother thinks I’ve inherited her mother’s love for black and white cookies.” Lena giggled again.

  “Cute.” Rick still kept his gaze on Lena, and although she could sit and look at his perfectly assembled face all day, it was making her uncomfortable. Not in the creepy sort of way but in the ‘Oh my God, I could just jump him’ sort of way. And that was an unsettling emotion for Lena, because never ever did she ever want to jump anyone.

  She nibbled at her black and white cookie, savoring each little bite. As she broke off a piece of her cookie, she looked up at Rick, who was watching her. “What?” she asked, smiling.

  He smiled back at her. “Why don’t you come with me Friday night to The Tavern? I can pick you up, we can eat, then I’ll do my gig and we can…get a cup of coffee somewhere.”

  She thought about it.

  “Can I take you out?” He waited patiently for an answer, while she contemplated the question.

  “Why not,” she answered, not meaning to sound so indifferent. She wanted nothing more than to go on a date with Rick, she just had to convince herself that it was okay.

  Rick's ego had been punctured. He'd hoped for a more enthusiastic response. “If I’m troubling you my dear, you are allowed to say no,” he retorted, although he'd been trying for a more lighthearted response.

  “Rick. I really would like to go with you. I hadn’t meant to sound so…flippant. I just couldn't help worrying about what Vince would do. But…it really isn’t his business anymore. I need to break totally free from him."

  “It’s okay, Lena. Really.”

  Lena felt her face flush. She had a date with Rick Murphy. She couldn't wait.

  Chapter Sixteen

  He came to the door with a bouquet of flowers already in a vase. His auburn hair, slicked back with a little gel, instead of his usual tousled hair, was darn sexy. So were his charcoal button-down shirt and black flat-front Dockers. His black motorcycle boots completed his dark ensemble. Rick Murphy looked bad in black, and Lena was definitely hot for him. But she couldn't let him know that. Not yet.

  “Good evening, Lena,” Rick breathed, after an exaggerated pause.

  “Hi.” Lena sighed, more dreamily than she’d meant to.

  “You look lovely tonight.”

  Lena looked down at her light-gray mini-skirt, lavender blouse, black tights and Mary-Janes. “Oh…thanks,” she said, feeling her skin grow warm.

  “These are for you.” The assortment of lilies of the valley, with one pink rose in the center, was daintily set in a slender iridescent vase with a pale pink satin ribbon tied around it.

  “Oh, Rick, they’re so pretty. They’re perfect. Thank you so much.”

  Lena watched his face light up with pride. “You’re welcome. Why don’t you put them down and we can get going…if you’re ready, I mean.”

  "I am.” She put the vase on her coffee table and slipped on her purple cardigan before grabbing her small black purse and locking the door.

  “Thank you for joining me tonight,” Lena heard Rick say from behind her, as they headed down the stairs. “I’m really looking forward to it.”

  “Me too.” Lena had been looking forward to going out with Rick and watching him perform, but eating in front of him made her nervous. Her stomach felt queasy at the idea. Nibbling on a black and white cookie and barely eating her pasta at their “business” lunch were one thing, but eating a whole meal? Would she not be aware of food left on her mouth or in-between her teeth? Certain she'd make a fool of herself one way or the other, she tried to force the thought out of her head. Acting all jittery in front of him wouldn’t earn her any points in composure.

  Rick seemed to know everyone at The Tavern, since every patron excitedly called him by name as he walked into the pub. He’d high-five them as they passed. It reminded Lena of old Cheers episodes, where they all yelled ‘Norm’ as the large man walked into the bar. Seeing Rick so popular with the crowd added to Lena’s jitters. She may have been born into a huge family, but large crowds still made her anxious. Add to that the attention Rick was receiving, her uneasiness was amplified.

  As if he sensed her anxiety, Rick took her by the hand and pulled her close. He led them to a semi-private table in the corner near the stage and pulled out her chair to sit.

  “Thank you,” Lena replied to his gallantry.

  A waitress came to the table just as Rick sat down in his chair across from her. “Hey Ricky, the usual?” She grinned ear to ear at Ricky while she waited for his reply.

  “Not tonight, Gina.” Rick turned to Lena. “What would you like, Lena?”

  “Oh, just a diet coke, please.”

  “And I’ll have a Corona, please,” Rick answered, then turned his attention to Lena before the waitress left the table.

  “So,” Lena asked Rick. “What’s your usual?”

  “A Whisky Sour.”

  “Isn’t that an old man’s drink?”

  Rick laughed, then shrugged. “I’m an old man.”

  “No you’re not,” Lena said, before realizing she hadn’t known how old Rick actually was. “How are old are you?”

  “Thirty-seven.”

  Lena eyebrows shot up.

  “See. Old.”

  Lena smiled. “No, that’s not old, just…”

  “Older than you,” he finished.

  “You don’t look thirty-seven.”

  “Ah. No backpedaling.” He laughed.

  Lena chuckled. “I’m not. But really, I thought you were like twenty-eight or something like that.”

  “Mmm. Something like that.”

  The mischievous way he shot his eyes up and smirked had Lena tingling in places she was unaware were able to tingle. The sexiness he embodied, stirred in her an arousal so volcanic, she hoped she wouldn’t explode right there. She couldn’t understand her body’s uncontrollable attraction to the man sitting in front of her. Certainly she’d been in the presence of good-looking men before. What made this one so different?

  “So Lena, what are your weekends like?” Rick decided, she guessed, to change gears and talk about something other than his age.

  “Well.” She needed to think about this, considering this was her first full weekend alone without the burden of Vince’s plans on her agenda. “Usually I do whatever Vince has planned, but now t
hat he’s…out of the picture, I’m kind of looking forward to reading some books I’ve put aside.”

  “Ah. Quiet time.”

  "Mmm,” Lena thought. “What do you do on the weekends?”

  Rick took a moment to gather his thoughts. “Well, I do a lot of work on my land, tend to my horses, go see my broth…I hang out. You know, take it easy.”

  “Take it easy? Tending to your land and horses sounds like just the opposite of taking it easy. What do you do on your land? Farm?”

  Rick guffawed. Really loud.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “I don’t know the first thing about farming. I’m a city boy at heart. I bought the land because it had a wonderful barn to renovate.”

  Lena looked at him silently, hopefully encouraging him to continue. He was such an interesting fellow. Simple, yet complicated.

  “I’m turning my barn into a huge rec room. A place to hang out, write music, record. Stuff like that.”

  “You write music?” An impressed Lena asked.

  “I do. I enjoy it.”

  “And you record your stuff?”

  “Only to send out as demos. I write songs for other’s to play. In fact, one of the bands I wrote for many years ago…their drummer’s here to perform with me tonight.”

  “Oh? Who?” Rick was amazingly versatile, thought Lena.

  “Matty Em from the group Holland. Are you too young to remember them?”

  “No. I’ve heard of them. I’m not that young. Besides, my cousin Mara is dating the lead singer.”

  "What? Tagg Holland?" asked Rick, eyebrows shooting towards his hairline.

  "Yeah, she started dating him last year; he's opening up a music camp for the underprivileged soon."

  “Wow, yeah, I'd heard that, Camp Holland, right?"

  "Yeah."

  "Anyway, Matty's in the area this weekend, probably visiting Tagg, so I asked him to play with me tonight. It’s sort of a surprise for the bar. So, shhh.” Rick put his finger to his smiling lips.

  “Did you ever think of...” Lena paused to say this just right, so not to offend Rick in any way. “I don’t know…keeping your songs for yourself and…” She couldn’t seem to find the right words without sounding shallow.