Maybe This Life

by Grider, J. P.

  Lena didn't think she would ever get over Rick. Like the moon pulls the tide, Lena had been drawn to Patrick Murphy from the beginning. Her soul seemed to awaken from the moment she saw him in the parking lot. Eliminating that magnetic force from her life almost seemed dangerous. As if she suddenly would...stop existing. But she needed to take that risk. How could she expect him to love a child that wasn't even his? A child who she was finding difficult to believe was even hers.

  Would Lena be able to love this baby? Maybe she'd resent him, memories of its conception weighing too much to turn the bitterness away. If she could not predict her own feelings to this new child, how could she expect Rick to be okay with it? And she would not hold the burden of his emotions as well as her own.

  Lena had contemplated abortion...fleetingly. That decision would only open up a new set of emotional concerns, and she knew herself well enough to know that abortion was not an option. Her only option was to put Rick in her past...and raise her baby on her own... with the help of her family.

  ************

  Lena hadn't been at work on Monday, so Rick figured she was still not feeling well. Her phone had gone to voicemail, but still, Rick hadn't thought much about it. Worry inched slowly from Rick's heart to his brain, but when her cubicle stood empty again on Tuesday, his worry turned to a deep concern. Again, an animated message greeted his call to her. Deciding on his way home from work to take a quick shower and head back down to Haledon, he was stopped short by the letter in his mailbox. Her handwriting in black and white on the envelope caused a passing tremble in his hands. The overwhelming grief that washed over him when he read the first few words burned through his chest like hot coals under his feet. He dropped to his seat, blown by the words that followed.

  He sat there unable to move. The words, running into each other, as he read them over and over, until they were one big watery mess. Was she really saying goodbye? Did she really think he'd walk away from her when she needed him most? Even if she had no recollection of who Rick had been in her past, she should know enough about Rick in this lifetime to realize he'd insist on taking care of her. Hadn't he told her as much through his actions? First, he flies off the handle at that ass of a boyfriend of hers when he spoke disparagingly to her in front of everyone. Then, going on a hunch that she was in trouble, Rick shows up at her apartment, only to realize his intuition was correct. He had held her for hours while she cried herself to sleep, yet now she doesn't want to drag him into her broken life? Too late. He's already there. Can't she tell, all he wants to do is protect her and take care of her? There was no way in Hell he'd let her walk away. Lena needed him...and he needed her. Mostly, he needed her to need him. Not that he wanted her dependent on him. Rick wanted her to need him as the missing piece in her life. New baby or not...he would not let her get away.

  His shower went forgotten. After letting his sick stomach settle a second, he grabbed the keys off his counter and took off to rescue his distressed damsel. He was going to see her through this. Rick would not watch Lena suffer in martyrdom. Not in this lifetime.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  The echoing vibration of the doorbell ringing over and over caused the sensation of a vice forcing her temples together. He wouldn't go away. When the car door slammed, she went to the window and watched him stride up her walk. A migraine, already setting up camp in her head, became inflamed by the continual chiming of the bell.

  Why wouldn't he just leave? Lena thought. She'd mailed Rick the letter so she wouldn't have to talk to him face to face. Now here he was, relentlessly ringing her doorbell and not getting the hint. She did not want to talk with anyone, especially Rick. How could she look him in the eye now that she had someone else's child inside of her? It'd be emotionally impossible for her to endure it. So badly did she want her relationship with Rick to get more serious, but now...she'd ruined that chance. Lena wasn't about to withstand prolonging the inevitable – she could never be with Rick Murphy without feeling pangs of remorse for tainting their courtship before it'd even had a chance to begin.

  The ringing stopped. When Lena peered out the window she could not see him, but his Jeep could still be seen in the lot. From her view at the window, she could not tell if he was sitting in his car or not. But at least he'd stopped pressing the bell.

  Lena collapsed onto the couch and cried knowing it would make her migraine worse, but she was unable to help herself. In such a short amount of time, Rick had become such an important person in her life. Now, he wouldn't even be a part of it.

  The blaring of the sirens outside disrupted Lena's crying spell long enough for her to take a look out the window. The cop cars were parked in front of her apartment – red and blue LEDs lighting up the dusk on Barbour Street. Just then, her doorbell rang again…this time, with a handful of hard raps against the door.

  "Ma'am. Open up if you can hear us. It's the Haledon PD," a gruff voice commanded, causing Lena to tremble in fear.

  Oh my goodness, she thought. What did I do? Maybe it's about Vince. Oh my God, what did he do? Instead of opening the door for the officer, she was frozen in her thoughts.

  "Ma'am," the officer demanded again, more forcefully. "If you can hear me, open up, otherwise, we're coming in, ma'am."

  Holy Crow, they're coming in? How? Lena forced herself to move. "Right there," she rasped. "I'll be right there." She tried again with a stronger voice. Wiping her eyes with her sleeve, she patted down her hair, tucked her bangs behind her ears, and descended the stairs to open the door.

  "Miss Giordano?" the Haledon cop asked after Lena opened the door. "Are you all right, ma'am?"

  Shocked, she could only nod. Her fragile stomach, now in knots, added to the nausea and the migraine that the pregnancy had already caused.

  "We got a call that no one had heard from you in a few days. We know you're Vince Battaglia's fiancée. He was let out on bail and we were worried that he...well..." The cop trailed off, probably unsure of what he should say.

  Lena shook her head and swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. "No. I'm fine. I...haven't heard from Vince."

  "Great."

  "Who...who...who called you?" Lena wondered, apprehensively questioning the officer.

  "A Mister..." He looked down at his notepad.

  "I did," a voice, from the other side of the porch, announced.

  Immediately whipping her head around, she gasped, "Rick?"

  "Yes, Lena, me. I was worried about you, so I called the police."

  "Miss Giordano," the cop interrupted, "if you're all right, we'll be on our way."

  "Oh, yes...yes, of...of course...I'm fine. Um, you didn't like...alert my parents or anything...did you?"

  "No, Miss, we came here first, just in case you were in trouble. Well, take it easy and...answer your phone and your door once in a while, so you don't scare your friends."

  Lena feigned a chuckle. "Right, sorry."

  "Why?" Incredulous, she questioned Rick once the officer took off. "Why on Earth, would you call the police?"

  With two long strides, he was inches from Lena. "Did you really think I wouldn't find a way to get to you? I've traveled an entire lifetime to find you. You think someone else's baby is going to keep me away?" Rick peered deep into her eyes, so much so, it made Lena tingle just a bit. Plus, it made her nervous to have him intruding into her soul, which she knew he was trying to do. "Well, think again," he finished, vexed by her actions to exclude him from her life.

  "Go home, Rick." She couldn't face him. Turning to go back up the stairs, attempting in vain to close the door on him, he pushed it open and took her elbow. Guiding her in and shutting the door behind him, Rick pulled her into his arms and carried her up to her apartment.

  "Put me down. I can walk." Her weak demand, unconvincing, he still cradled her in his arms. "Please, put me down," Lena commanded more forcefully this time, convincingly enough that he set her down once they reached her living room.

  Once up on her own two feet, sh
e stomped one of them. "How dare you call the police? Every single one of them knows my father...and worse…" Frustrated, she squeezed her temples, the migraine letting her know it was still there in full force. "Vince's family is going to find out now." She gave a soft pound with her fist to the top of her old television set. "Damn-it," she whispered aloud.

  "I'm sorry," said a grinning Rick.

  "What? Why are you smiling like that?"

  "I'm not smiling," he said, smiling.

  "This isn't funny, Rick. You called the cops...because I wouldn't let you in." Her voice pitched an octave too high out of sheer frustration.

  Toning down his grin, he moved forward. "I'm not laughing, sweetheart, not at all." He proceeded closer to Lena but she backed away. A frown instantly replaced his grin. Lena felt bad, but she really did not want him in her apartment. Staying put where he was, Rick opened and closed his mouth a few times, as if to speak, before finally saying, "I was only smiling, because I liked your...pluckiness tonight...you've got spunk. I haven't seen that before."

  "Wait, what? What does that have to do with anything? Uggh." Thwarted in her intention to avoid Rick, Lena threw her hands up in the air and plopped on the couch annoyed. Flopping her head against its back, she stared at the ceiling.

  Cautiously, Rick moved toward the couch to sit at the opposite end, obviously defeated in his own original intentions. What they were, Lena wasn't sure yet.

  "Lena." A noticeably guarded Rick proceeded slowly. "I received your letter this afternoon."

  Lena remained attentive to the ceiling, as plain and white as it was.

  "I'm sorry this has happened to you. You did not deserve what that man did to you. But I won't let you face this alone."

  As hard as she tried to keep her focus off of Rick, Lena found it increasingly difficult. Why would he want to drag himself into her problems? What was in it for him? Motioning with her eyes first, Lena then turned to look at Rick. "Why?" The soft question fell from her lips, along with a tear from her eye.

  "Why won't I let you face this alone? Because I love you. Plain and simple."

  "You...love me? You haven't even known me...oh, yeah, that's right...you knew me in a past life," she mocked, hating herself for her sudden sarcasm.

  "Yes, I did." Rick wasn't swayed, or if he was, he didn't appear to be. "But even so, you ever hear of love at first sight?"

  "Hmmph." Such a child she was.

  "You're not going through this alone, Lena. Whether you like it or not, you're stuck with me.”

  Chapter Thirty

  Rick was adamant about his declaration. Lena would not go through this pregnancy alone. Whatever she decided to do about it, he'd be there right by her side. Rick would raise and love her baby as his own...because any part of Lena, was a part of him. It didn't matter that his mere presence made her angry. The world made her angry, and he didn't blame her. For so long she tried to be nice, seeing the good in that evil excuse for a human being she called her fiancé. And this is how she's repaid? No, Rick did not blame her one bit for being angry.

  He was scared for her though. Lena had already formed a hard shell around her heart. A shell that hadn't been there before. Circumstances like this could definitely change people, and he feared for Lena, her childlike nature. One could only endure so much in one lifetime, before the heart hardened. In Lena's case, her soul had already suffered through an entire lifetime, and history had now begun to repeat itself. One soul can only take so much before it shows signs of wear and tear. Her recent, bitter derision was one of those signs. Though against her character to be disparaging, Rick understood why she had suddenly fallen prey to cynicism. Vince insensitively stole something so precious from her – her virtue – and now, she would have to live with that reminder for the rest of her life. No, Rick could not blame her for building a wall. He'd be damned, though, if he didn't attempt to knock it down. He would not leave her alone again. Not anymore.

  Fighting the urge to come on too strong again, Rick sat silently as he watched another tear drop from her left eye. He could tell she attempted to suppress them, but more tears would follow. Of that, he was sure. Sullen and ill-tempered, Lena seemed to prefer silence over Rick's company, so Rick decided to give her some time to sulk. He went into the kitchen and made two cups of coffee...using her fancy coffee machine. Taking his mug with him, he sat at her tiny table for two, leaving Lena alone for a few moments. Rick hated to alienate her; it wasn't his intention to do so when he came knocking at her door. But the moment he'd opened his mouth, Lena had taken offense to him. He wouldn't take it personally, though. She just needed some time.

  "Why are you sitting in here?" Lena uttered softly from the kitchen doorway.

  "I'm giving you space," he answered quietly as well. Rick could see the thoughts forming in Lena's head while she stood there apparently puzzled.

  "Then why not leave?" Though her hands were placed dramatically on her hips, Rick heard uncertainty in her voice.

  "Now why would I do that?" Attempting to refrain from jumping out of his seat to hug her, knowing she needed one, he sipped his coffee while awaiting her response. Though Rick knew Lena needed a warm embrace, Lena didn't know it yet, being so angry and all. He would just wait until she was ready.

  "Because... I told you I didn't want you here," she sassed, yet remained in the doorway, a clear indication of actions speaking louder than words.

  "However," Rick began slowly. "I think you could use a friend."

  He didn't think her shoulders could slump any lower than they already were, but he was wrong. Her facial expression had drooped right along with them.

  "I don't need anybody." Her words were inaudible, but Rick knew exactly what Lena said and knew exactly what she meant. She was ready for that hug.

  "Lena." Pushing his chair from the table, Rick stood. "Everybody needs somebody." He took two steps to the doorway, put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her close. Holding her while she cried against his chest, his heart picked up speed rapidly. With his chin on her head, Rick closed his eyes and let Lena weep while he smoothed her tresses with the palm of his hand.

  After several minutes of hugging in the kitchen doorway, Lena broke the embrace. "What am I going to do, Rick?"

  He took her by the hand and brought her to the table. Pulling the chair out for her, Rick motioned for her to sit, then set a cup of coffee in front of her. "It might be a little cool by now," he said, before sitting down himself.

  Lena's head, cradled in her hands, caused her words to sound mumbled, so Rick almost missed it when she cried, "I've gotten myself into such a mess."

  "You did no such thing. This whole thing is not your fault at all. You need to remember that, sweetheart."

  "But I should have walked away...the first time I knew what he was capable of," she said in admonishment. "I'm just so..."

  "Stop," he bade. "You're beating yourself up and it's not going to do you any good. We'll get through this...together."

  Rick knew he was oversimplifying her whole ordeal, but he wanted to put her at ease and really did not know what else to do. As old as he was, he lacked experience in actually dealing with serious issues, while Lena's poor soul seemed to be a magnet to them.

  "Why? Why do you want to help? I...I just don't understand."

  "What don't you understand, Lena? I love you. You may think it's too soon, but I do, nevertheless. I cannot just turn away from you and...what? Forget you ever existed?" Rick couldn't understand how Lena could not see that.

  She just stared at him, then at the table...and shook her head.

  "Lena." Noticing Lena's hands on the table, Rick gently tugged at them. "If you want to keep this baby, I will help you raise it. If you don't, I will be there through that as well. I promise."

  He could tell by the look in her eyes that she wasn't sure if she should trust him. "Lena, I know I have to earn your trust. I wouldn't expect anything less. But in time, I'm sure you will see that I am a man of my word."

&n
bsp; But he still saw doubt on her face, and when he looked deep into her eyes, where he could catch a glimpse of her soul, he knew somewhere deep within her, Lena knew that Rick was not a man of his word. He had failed her once before. And it would not be easy to earn her trust.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  "Are you done with your coffee?" Rick digressed.

  "Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I...kinda just went off into another world there for a second."

  He laughed, got up, and put their mugs in the sink. "Let's see if there's a movie we can watch."

  Lena could not explain what she had felt when Rick advocated being a man of his word. Oddly and for no reason at all, she did not believe him. The strange thing was, he had always been nothing but a gentleman and never gave her any reason not to be able to trust him.

  "How's this?" Rick asked of the channel he landed on while flicking. "It Could Happen to You. It's one of my favorite movies."

  A stunned Lena chuckled. "This is one of your favorite movies? Isn't it a chick-flick?" She giggled, surprising herself of being able to feel anything other than dread.

  "Yes, it is one of my favorite movies...and who said it's a chick-flick?"

  She shrugged. "Well, I like it too."

  "Good. Then we'll watch it."

  Rick sat at the opposite end of the couch, but Lena wanted to be closer to him. Despite the curious feeling she'd had before, she did like him. And she longed to be near him regardless. Inch by inch she maneuvered closer, but Rick reached for her and pulled her close before she had even made it to the other side of the couch. "C'mere," he'd said.

  Lena blushed.

  Nestled between the crook of his arm and his shoulder, Lena drifted off while watching the movie. During her sleep, though, a different scene unfolded in her mind

  "Angelina. You come inside right this minute," Agnes shrieked. "Proper ladies do not sit on their front steps leering at boys. You get inside now. Otherwise, I will beat the living daylights out of you."