Maybe This Life

by Grider, J. P.

  "Now I am Rick... Patrick... Patrick Murphy. But... I remember you as Angie. My Angie," he whispered. "Only now... you are Lena," Rick smiled when the corners of her mouth turned up. "Angelina Giordano, not Angelina Mancini."

  "My grrreatt-grrrammother," she stated.

  "Yes, Leen. You were your Nana, in our past life."

  Lena reached for her coveted locket, which no longer hung from her neck.

  "Yes, Lena, the locket you wear was your Nana's. Mimi's mom. Do you remember that?"

  Lena nodded, and a tear crawled down her cheek. Then, another. Before long, tears poured from her eyes, causing a bemused Rick. "What? What is it?"

  "I re...rememmmbberr...evvrrythhingg."

  "Everything?"

  She nodded.

  "Agnes?"

  All he got was a blank stare.

  "Do you remember this life?"

  Rick was met with another blank stare. He wasn't sure what she remembered...or if she was afraid to admit what she remembered. Rick sensed that she was afraid of what was going on in her mind. He was sure this was all too overwhelming to her right now. Instead, Rick decided silence was best.

  But something was going through Lena's mind. Her eyes were wide in shock and she suddenly looked afraid.

  "Vvvince."

  "Yes, Vince." Rick's blood began to boil. "He did this to you."

  Lena nodded and sobbed, again.

  The nurse walked up behind Rick and put her hand on his shoulder. "Let her rest now. You've been helpful...and interesting. Let her think about everything right now. You can come back later."

  The tip of Lena's nose was cool when he kissed her goodbye. "Sweet dreams, Lena. I'll see you in a little while." His heavy heart held the burden of Lena's troubles, and he wished dearly that he could take her pain away.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  "My baby, my baby," Lena woke in a sweat, screaming from her hospital bed.

  "Shh. Honey, it's okay. Your baby is fine," Jules assured her daughter with her words and a comforting hand stroking her stomach. "He's fine. He's healthy, his heart rate is just where it should be."

  "Mom?"

  "Yes, Dear?"

  "What day is it?"

  "It's Tuesday, why?"

  "I forgot."

  "You forgot that it was Tuesday?"

  "No, that I was pregnant. Why didn't you remind me?" Lena nearly cried.

  "The doctor wanted you to remember on your own," Jules said, softly. "He said it may take a few days, especially since you haven't gotten out of bed or anything to see yourself."

  "It's a boy?" Lena whispered, her stomach tingling thinking about it.

  "Yes. You're having a baby boy."

  "Hmmm...Mom?"

  "Yes?"

  "Where's Rick?"

  "He's downstairs with Dad. You know, that man only left twice since you've been here...and not once while you were in the coma. He really is something. He really cares about you, honey."

  "Yeah, I know." A dark hole filled her mind where Rick was concerned; it only added confusion to her already hazy thoughts.

  "Sweetie." A cautious Jules seemed to proceed tentatively. "The nurses said you've been having quite...the nightmares. Do you want to talk about them?"

  "Um, I don't know...I just..." Lena didn't finish, she only stared into space.

  "Were you having nightmares before your accident?

  Lena shook her head. "Not like this."

  "You've been waking up screaming, they tell me. Nearly hyperventilating. Would you like to talk to someone about them? A therapist or something?"

  Yes. No. What could she say? Anyone she told would think she was crazy. For the past several nights, Lena had spent her sleeping hours back in the early twentieth century. She didn't like it. Already accustomed to dreams about Agnes beating the pulp out of Angelina, she now witnessed the beatings of her great-great grandmother by her great-great grandfather, Timothy. At least Lena believed that's who her recent dreams were about. But then Rick's words kept coming back to haunt her. She was her own great-great grandmother in a previous life. Could he be right? The thought made her want to puke. She knew he was right. She remembered. But, no, maybe it was the trick of her own mind. Yeah, she'd go with that. "Mom?"

  "Yes, sweetheart?"

  "How much of Nana's life do you know about?"

  "Nana? What brought that on?"

  "My dreams. They're about someone named Angelina, but...it's not me."

  "Does she look like Nana?"

  Lena frowned, "I'm not sure. Mimi only had one old picture of her. Grandma Leanne didn't have any either. I think it was her."

  "What were they about?"

  "She's being abused. All the time. Maybe it's my imagination, but...," not sure how to say it, Lena bit the bullet and proceeded, "I feel like it all happened to me."

  "The abuse?"

  "Yes." She closed her eyes, fearful her mother would think her crazy.

  "Maybe...you're just projecting what Vince has done to you, onto someone else, so...it doesn't seem so...personal."

  "Hmmm." Lena thought about that. Her mother had a point.

  "I don't know, honey. I'm not a psychiatrist or anything like that, but...it sounds plausible."

  "Yeah. You're right. I bet that's all it is." Lena liked her mother's theory, and it definitely made more sense than Rick's reincarnation thing. Her mind was playing tricks, that's all, she thought, more to convince herself than anything.

  "Sweetheart, the doctor did not want us to push your thoughts, but...do you remember saying you were in the year nineteen seventeen...and thinking Rick had just come back from the war?"

  Yes, Lena remembered, but she didn't want to. It scared her to admit it, because then she'd have to admit that it was possible for reincarnation to exist and that it wasn't just her imagination. That would open the flood gates for even more psychological distress. With a baby on the way, Lena would just not allow any more unwanted situations in her life. "Hmmm," she replied to her mother. "I thought it was the year nineteen seventeen? When?"

  Lena watched a deflated Jules frown. "Oh, never mind, sweetie, forget I said anything."

  "Okay." Lena faked a laugh, feeling bad for lying to her mother.

  Just then Rick walked in.

  "Hi there, Rick," a now smiling Jules greeted him. "She's doing much better this morning. Her speech is more fluent; the doctor is happy with her recovery."

  "Great, Jules. Hey Leen, you look great," a visibly unsure Rick addressed Lena.

  "Thanks," she said half-heartedly.

  The rippling sensation of warmth that spread through her when he took her hand and kissed her forehead added more uncertainty to Lena's fragile state. The mocking confusion between her increasing love for Rick and her frequent agitation toward him, lent to her feeling restless and flustered. At times, she'd wished Rick had never entered her life. Then again, that would be a lie; he was all she could think about.

  "Well, let me leave you two alone," Jules chimed in. "I'll go get a bite to eat downstairs. Be back in a bit." She kissed her daughter on the cheek and left.

  "So," Rick began. "Are you feeling any better?"

  "A little." Lena wanted to keep the conversation short, just as she had the past few days. What could she say to him? She'd rather him not be around. If he were out of the picture, her nightmares would certainly dissipate; they'd only gotten so bad since meeting Rick. Before then, she'd only have little spurts that made no sense. Now, they were scary and out of hand. She just wanted the craziness to disappear...and that included Rick.

  "Well, I'm sure you'll feel better soon, sweetheart."

  "Mmm." Trying not to lead him on any further, Lena averted her eyes, attempting to ignore him...hating herself for doing so.

  "Lena, what's up? What's going on?" She heard the tremble in his voice; felt his sadness in her heart.

  She fiddled with her blankets, while keeping her eyes down.

  "Lena." He lifted her chin gently with his tw
o fingers, effecting eye to eye contact. "What's going on?"

  She sighed, unable to contain the pain in her heart.

  "Would you like me to...go away?" he asked quietly.

  A few tiny nods, all she could muster, she choked back her tears. When she tried to open her mouth to say something, the lump in her throat grew so large she could no longer hold back her tears.

  "Why? Can I ask why you want me to leave?" His voice remained barely above a whisper, and Lena had a feeling he was holding back his own tears.

  The pain in her chest crushed her heart. She shook her head. "I don't know." She barely heard her own words.

  "You don't know?" She could hear his voice loud and clear now. His anger could not be mistaken. "That's it? You don't know?" He waited, probably for her response, which never came. "Well, gee, Lena, that's a fine reason to want me to go away. You don't know," an unquestionably upset Rick, mocked. "Well, now I feel so much better...now that I know the reason that is."

  "Rick, I'm sorry," she cried, not wanting to see him so upset.

  He sat down beside her, on the edge of the bed. "Lena, I don't understand." Calmer, Rick placed his fingertips on her wrist. "I know you love me. I feel it. I see it. God, Lena, all that we've been through."

  "What?" Lena interjected, still teary-eyed. "What have we been through? A couple dates? That's nothing."

  "Oh, okay. I get it. You don't believe we had a past together, is that it?"

  "Yes," she snipped.

  "Well...even so, you do love me. I know you do. I can't be wrong about that."

  The tears rolling down Rick's cheeks stabbed at her heart. She hated to hurt him, but what could she do? Scared and pregnant and treading on unknown territory, Lena had no answers. She turned and stared out the window, unable to look at the pain of betrayal in Rick's eyes.

  "So that's it then? I leave and walk out of your life forever...and that's okay with you?" His voice trembled.

  Lena kept her attention on the stillness of the trees outside the window. She couldn't look at him. Her heart wanted him, but her head was too overwhelmed with all the chaos going on in her life. Her ex-fiancé almost pushed her and her baby to their death. She's supposed to turn around and trust another man after that? Lena was too confused to think. She could not deal with Rick right now.

  Rick met her silence with, "I guess it is," then he stormed out of the room…leaving Lena alone with a crushing heart. But she wouldn't let him know that. She couldn't let him know that. It'd only encourage him.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Though Rick was surrounded by the usual crowd of barflies at The Tavern, he was lonely – his forsaken heart silently screaming for the woman who turned him away. He considered canceling his performance, but music was usually therapeutic for him, and he was hoping tonight would be no exception. But until nine o'clock rolled around, he figured he'd sit at the bar and have a couple whiskey sours to still his disquieted heart.

  "Hey there, good-looking," a soft voice said, as a tender hand caressed the back of his neck.

  "Gina," an unimpressed Rick replied.

  "Where've ya been? We've missed you 'round here," commented The Tavern's head waitress.

  "Mmm. Been here and there." He did not want to get into a conversation with her. Sulking was all that was on his mind.

  Gina continued to rub the back of his neck, inching her fingers suggestively through his hair. Rick closed his eyes, enjoying the affection, longing for Lena. He did nothing to discourage the touching, so Gina pulled up a stool, practically sitting on his lap. Though Lena was in his heart, he couldn't deny that the touch of a woman felt good. The liquor filled him with that familiar warm sensation, while Gina's fondling fingers aroused other pleasant feelings.

  "Wanna meet up after your set tonight?" Gina asked while moving one of her hands through his hair, the other, along the inseam of his jeans.

  "Mmm," he responded with bedroom eyes, his thinking, a little fuzzy.

  "Ricky," Jack's gruff voice woke him from his stupor. Gina stayed just where she was.

  "Jack," Rick murmured.

  "It's almost nine. You gonna set up?"

  Rick came back to reality and jumped off his barstool. "Yup. Just got the guitar tonight, so it'll only take a minute." Rick grabbed a stool and brought it to the stage. After testing the sound and the mic, Rick called attention to The Tavern's regulars.

  He'd promised them last time that he'd cover some popular numbers, so he started with a Matchbox Twenty song about needing someone, anyone, to cling to, when the chips were down. After finishing the first number, Rick followed with another MB20 song with a similar theme about one night stands. This one had him thinking about Gina and how one night couldn't hurt anything. It's not as if Lena exactly wanted him. He knew Gina was eager and Rick was definitely in need of a woman's tender touch. As he sang the lyrics, he saw Gina watching him. Rick realized it would mean much more than one night to her. She'd been attracted to him for a while now, and if he went home with her tonight, it would only cause her heartache. He finished the song and followed it with a sadder song about a girl with no self-esteem, and a boy who needed her to see just how much she was worth. But this particular Matchbox Twenty song was more than Rick could handle. He broke down mid-way, apologized for such a short performance, and bolted out of the bar, leaving his guitar behind. His only thought...fighting for Lena. Making her see how very much they were meant to be together.

  "Rick," he heard her call after him.

  Closing his eyes to gather himself, Rick turned slowly. "Gina, it's not a good time."

  "But, I thought..."

  "I'm sorry." Rick continued toward his bike and straddled it. "I'm sorry I led you on before, but...it's just not a good time."

  Gina stood there seductively. "Okay, Ricky, maybe next time."

  Faking a smile, he said, "Take it easy, Gina," then he took off on his bike and headed for Haledon.

  It'd been one month since Lena had left the hospital, and two since he'd walked out of her room at her request. He couldn't take it any longer; her love was worth the fight. Even though it was Lena, herself, that he was fighting.

  He rang the Giordano's doorbell, knowing, from a vain attempt to call her, that she'd been staying with them.

  "Rick," Jules greeted him with her usual smile.

  Rick sighed, "I need to see her, Jules."

  "I know, Rick, but she doesn't...oh, hell, let's just try."

  "Oh, Jules, you're terrific. Thank you so much." Grateful, Rick beamed.

  "Let me just check on her, make sure she's...decent."

  Rick felt his face warm beneath his skin.

  "I mean, she does lay in bed all day. Let me just see if her hair's combed and...well, you know."

  His stomach burned; it was now or never. Rick had to convince Lena that they were meant to be together...forever.

  "Well," Jules frowned, walking down the stairs, "she looks great, but she isn't too keen on seeing you...I don't understand, you're such a nice guy. What did you do?"

  "I don't know, I really don't."

  Lucky for Rick, Jules seemed to be on his side; she gave him one of those pity smiles that screamed oh poor poor chap.

  Following Jules up the stairs, Rick braced himself for a less than warm welcome. Not understanding why she felt the way she did, he at least hoped she wouldn't throw anything at him when he walked through her door.

  "Hey, you," he said with as much buoyancy as he could muster.

  Her scowl evident, Rick noticed the frown never reached her eyes. Sadness did. "Hi."

  "So, you're on bed rest?" Dammit, he could've started with something a little more intelligent.

  A single nod, before she averted her eyes down, he knew what would follow; he'd be ignored. Needing to grab her attention, he shut the door hard behind him.

  Lena's head snapped up, as he expected. "Why'd you do that? Leave it open."

  Rick disregarded her request and moved toward her bed. Sitting on the
edge, he patted her blanket-covered legs. "You feel skinny under there. You eating enough?"

  "I don't get too hungry sitting in bed all day. Why are you here?" She sounded annoyed.

  "Well, you need to eat, so..."

  "Rick," she interrupted. "Why are you here? You need to leave. And open that door, I want my mother."

  Rick closed his eyes and inhaled, exhaling only as he spoke. "Don't push me away, Lena. Don't tell me you don't want me, and don't deny this connection between us." His heart seemed to stop, as did his breathing, when Lena didn't respond.

  Exhaling as he sighed, Rick's heart beat picked up, and he felt a fire raging beneath his chest. He wanted to scream. Shake the sense back into her. But that would only push her away even more. Taking a few breaths to retrieve some of that composure he used to have, he proceeded slowly. "Lena. I'm not asking you to jump right into anything," he lied, knowing damn well he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. "I'm just asking for a chance. We were meant to be together, Lena. Even if you don't know it yet, how will you, unless you give me a chance?"

  "No. I won't." If Lena's eyes hadn't betrayed her, he'd almost believe she really didn't want him just by her stone-cold response.

  "Why? Can you tell me that, at least?"

  She leaned back on her pillow and closed her eyes. "I don't like how I feel when I'm with you."

  The actual stabbing of a knife through his heart could not have cut any deeper than her words had. She disliked her own feelings when she was with him? How could that be? "You don't like...what exactly do you feel when we're together, Lena? Because until recently, you seemed to enjoy my company," asked a rather incensed Rick.

  Unquestionably irritated by Rick's inquiry, Lena sighed, ignoring his request for an answer.

  Now vexed to the point of needing to punch his fist through a wall, Rick stood from the bed and paced the room to bring his sudden fury down to a simmering flame. "Lena, work with me here. What do you feel? What am I doing that is causing you to be so...," he balled his fists in frustration, "...so...irrational."

  "Irrational?" A heated Lena shot back. "I am not irrational...you..." Lena's hands went to her stomach, in a protective embrace. "Just leave."