Maybe This Life

by Grider, J. P.

  "Lena."

  "Leave."

  "But..."

  "Now."

  Punctured and broken, Rick walked, shoulders slumped and heart sunk, out of Lena's room. Out of her house. And out of her life.

  On his ride home, he stopped at some dive on Route 23. As cliché as it sounded, he needed to drown his heartache with a drink. Maybe two. When he walked in, Rick saw Jackie from work sitting at the bar. He gave her a bittersweet smile when she noticed him. Rick had liked Jackie. They'd met one day at work when he'd needed information about a customer. As Customer Service Supervisor, Jackie had provided Rick with the customer's details. After some light-hearted bantering, Jackie had asked him if he'd like to go with her to happy hour that evening. Unattached and lonely, Rick had accepted. They'd hit it off right away, and things had gone well, until Rick realized Jackie wanted more than just a date every weekend. She'd wanted a relationship. Rick had not. Still hoping that his long-lost Angelina would show up to ride him off into the sunset, Rick could not commit to anyone else.

  He would have never guessed that when Angelina did show up, she'd want nothing to do with him.

  Putting the past behind him, he walked up to the bar and addressed Jackie. "Hey."

  "Hey, Rick, how are ya?" Her smile expressed a loneliness that matched his own.

  "Hi, Jackie. How are you?" Rick pointed to the stool next to hers.

  "No, sit, it's all yours." Patting the stool, Jackie's smile reached her eyes.

  "Gin and Tonic, please," Rick said to the bartender, before giving his attention to Jackie.

  "I thought you were a Whisky Sour man?" she joked.

  "Yeah, well, sometimes you gotta change the way you roll," Rick quipped.

  "So, what brings you here tonight? You usually hang at The Tavern on Friday nights, don't you?"

  "Needed another change." In a hurry to numb his stinging heart, Rick swallowed nearly half his Gin and Tonic in one gulp.

  "You come here often?" Rick asked Jackie.

  "Not too much. I'm friends with Luke." She pointed with her chin towards the bartender. "I like to hang around and talk with him."

  "Aah, I see," Rick winked.

  "No, nothing like that, just friends."

  "Oh, well, that's cool."

  "Need another?" Luke asked, noting Rick's empty glass.

  "Yes, please," answered a now relaxed Rick.

  "So." Jackie started. "You get together with that chick from P.R. yet?" Rick detected jealousy in Jackie's question.

  "Nah." Rick attempted to keep his gloominess to himself. Jackie didn't need to know his real feelings.

  "So the baby's not yours then?" Jackie asked.

  "Nope." Rick downed his second glass; Luke immediately hit him with a third. Rick started feeling good.

  "You're a friend of Jackie's?" Luke asked.

  "Luke," Jackie chimed in, "this is Rick, the guy I dated last Summer."

  "Oh, yeah, the one you only stopped talking about like a month ago?"

  "Luke," Jackie snapped.

  Barely paying attention, Rick found himself caught between momentary thoughts of Lena and the comfortable warmth radiating beneath his chest. His foggy thoughts were a nice diversion too. Suddenly though, he was all too aware that Jackie was sitting closer to him. He felt her arm rub against his, before her hand landed on his thigh. The gentle touch sent a pleasant sensation to his groin. When he turned to look at her, he knew exactly what her eyes were asking.

  "I've only got my bike tonight," Rick answered to her silent inquiry.

  "We can take my car, go to my place." The tremble in Jackie's voice did not go unnoticed.

  Rick inhaled, closed his eyes and focused on the hand on his leg. "Okay," he rasped.

  Arm in arm, they left the building...while Rick left his thoughts of Lena in the empty glass sitting on the bar.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Still irritated by Rick's visit tonight, Lena sulked, wishing he'd never showed up. He only ever brought bad memories anymore. Since she'd awaken from the coma, she'd remembered everything about her past life. At first, like her dreams, she thought her imagination had fabricated stories based on Nana's life, but the feelings were more personal...and familiar. Her dreams were not really dreams at all, but flashbacks, becoming more and more clear. She knew it now. With every fiber of her being, she now knew Rick had been right. They had lived before. But, unlike Rick's view of it, remembering her past life was not comforting. Just the opposite. It scared the hell out of her. Her nightmares became daydreams, while she had been in the hospital. No longer did she need to be sleeping to fall back into her past. Overwhelming and heartbreaking, her past life haunted her. And every time Rick showed up, he'd trigger more horrific memories of a life she did not want to remember.

  Including the darn murder Angelina had witnessed; Richard had been gone to war for about half a year when it happened. Angelina had been walking home from school when she heard a crack whisper through the air. Unphased, she continued walking home. Upon turning the corner, Angelina caught sight of a man. He was holding a gun. Beneath him, lay a man…who looked to be dead. Scared for her life, Angelina turned back and ran the other way, as fast as her thirteen year-old legs would allow her...but the man followed her. Out of breath and too tired to run anymore, Angelina turned another corner and slid into a tight alleyway. Her heart was beating so hard that she thought the man would be able to hear her, but she saw the man run straight past her, not noticing the little alley. Angelina crouched down against the building and cried. She cried for such a long time that the sun must have already set, because it was nearly dark. When she finally found the courage to step out of the alley and go back home, she took a different route, just in case the man was still looking for her. As soon as Angelina felt safe behind her own kitchen door, Agnes began her rampage, yelling and screaming at Angelina for coming home so late. Explaining to her mother what had happened after school did not do anything to cool Agnes' temper. It had only made things worse. Trouncing on her daughter once again, Agnes now blamed Angelina for the anticipated harm that would come to the Mancini family, dwelling on her the danger they were now all in because of Angelina's irresponsibility.

  Taking her mother at her word, Angelina packed a knapsack filled with some essentials, and left home in the middle of the night. Unfortunately for her, a charismatic, older man had been the passenger seated next to her on the bus headed out of town. A man, who upon further inspection, only held the appearance of charisma. As Angelina later found out, the only thing striking about Timothy was his hand.

  A piercing pain in her abdomen prompted Lena from her preoccupation with the tortuous memory. She feared something was terribly wrong.

  "Mom. Mom," Lena screamed, swinging her legs off the bed, struggling to stand. She felt a gush between her legs. When she touched herself, she found her hand covered with blood. "Mommy, please., hurry," Lena cried.

  "What, hon...oh my goodness. Sit back down, I'll call 911."

  "Hurry, Mom, my baby." Lena fell to the bed, sobbing, afraid she was losing her son.

  Her hyper-anxiety getting in the way of treatment, the nurses sedated Lena as soon as she was brought into the ER. After a few ultrasounds, the doctor called for an emergency C-section, so they rolled her into the operating room.

  When Lena woke up, her baby was sleeping in Jules' arms. "Mom," Lena whispered sleepily.

  "Sweetie." Jules brought the baby to her and placed him in his mother's arms.

  "Sam...I'm your mommy," Lena said, as she kissed him tenderly on the forehead. The love that blossomed in her heart the moment she looked into her little boy's eyes was so overpowering, Lena thought she'd lose it. Never in her wildest dreams could she have imagined her heart's capacity large enough to love as much as she loved her little Sammy. Lena's heart expanded with consuming emotion.

  "You named him Sam?" Jules asked.

  With an expansive smile, Lena nodded.

  "After great-grandpa Sam?"
<
br />   "Of course. The way Grandpa Sam admired and treated Mimi, I want my son to be just like him. Respectful, noble, courteous...you know, someone to make his wife proud."

  "Wife?" Jules laughed. "He's not even a whole hour old."

  "Mom," Lena cried…real tears.

  "Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I wasn't making fun, I just...I'm sorry." Jules sat on the bed by her daughter. "What's the matter, sweetheart?"

  "Sam's gonna be alone. No father to love him and teach him..." So sad for her little boy, Lena couldn't hold back her sorrow.

  "Lena, Sam has all your brothers and Daddy. He will be overwhelmed with all the macho love he's gonna get."

  'Macho love' coming out of her mother's mouth made Lena chuckle. "I guess you're right." She used the cuff of her sleeve to dry her eyes. "Thanks, Mom...Mom?"

  "Yes?"

  "Can I live with you and Daddy permanently?"

  Jules didn't seem surprised. "Of course. You never need to go back into that apartment."

  "Thanks." Sammy started to fuss and Lena got nervous. "Oh my gosh, Mom, what am I supposed to do?"

  "Buzz the nurse. She can show you how to feed him. You still want to breastfeed, right?"

  "Yes."

  "Okay, buzz, buzz.," Jules instructed, while pointing at the bed remote.

  ************

  Her twelve-week maternity allowance ending next Monday, Lena didn't think she'd be ready to leave three-month old Sammy to go back to work. Though excited to get back to the studio, her heart ached with the thought of leaving her baby boy for eight hours a day. A single mother needed to work though, Lena thought. At least she was fortunate to have her own mother caring for him during the day. Grateful, Lena realized that she couldn't have done this without her parents' physical and financial support.

  Thinking about going back to work would have to wait. Lena wanted to enjoy the beautiful, late-April weather. A stroll through the neighborhood would be a much better alternative. Lena put Sammy into the old-fashioned brown carriage Jules saved from Christopher's babyhood and started down Belmont Avenue. She loved Haledon, her hometown all her life. Lena waved through the window to Mr. Reilly, the optician and then passed the Campus Sweet Shoppe. Visions of buying red Swedish fish popped into her mind. How she loved those sweet little fish that came packaged in a tiny brown bag. As she passed The Pork Store, The Haledon Spa and then Mr. C's Deli, she began missing her childhood. More than nostalgic, she became sad for it, fearing for her future. She had a child of her own now and that scared the heck out of her. Some fears, she knew, were prompted by Vince's abuse, but some of them, like involving herself in a real relationship with Rick, scared her for unknown reasons. Yes, his presence sparked nasty memories of a life she'd rather forget, but his absence effected a sad existence during this lifetime. But would it be fair to Sam to start a relationship with a man who was not his father? Would it be fair to Sam to keep such a wonderful man out of his life, was more like it.

  Maybe she was wrong all this time. Maybe she had Rick all wrong. Maybe...if Rick could ever forgive her superfluous, illogical behavior, they actually could have a chance to be together. Finally.

  Chapter Forty

  One more night of lying to Jackie, and to himself, was going to drive Rick over the edge. He couldn't do it anymore. Poor Jackie, involved in a dishonest relationship with Rick. He didn't have the heart to tell her that his heart still beat for Lena. Hurting Jackie again killed him. Tonight, he had to tell her the truth...before it went any further. After his set at The Tavern, he would take her home and tell her. But until then, he'd at least make their last date a pleasant one.

  Rick picked up Jackie for an early dinner at Portobello's and then made way for The Tavern before Rick's performance. It was busier than usual, folks lining up against the back walls. The Tavern was packed. Some 80s songs were on Rick's set list tonight. He played for nearly two hours. When the crowd cheered for an encore, Rick performed a sweet ballad about losing sight of the important things, like love. A song appropriate of where things stood with Lena.

  While up on stage, Rick could have sworn he saw Lena against the back wall, but his mind must have been playing tricks on him. Scanning the room several times while singing, proved the female figure had to be just an illusion. Lena was nowhere in sight. Disappointment affected him deeply. Oh, how he longed to see Lena again.

  "Ladies and gentlemen." Rick tried his best to sound upbeat. "Thanks for coming tonight. I'm done for the evening, but as you saw on the marquee outside, I'm playing again tomorrow night for a special Saturday evening performance, thanks to Jack, our great host and owner of The Tavern." Rick paused to allow for some applause. "So come on back tomorrow and have a good night." Rick said his goodbyes and jumped off his stool.

  "Ricky," Jackie exclaimed, the irony posing a sarcastic sting to Rick's emotions. What was that song from long ago? Love Stinks? Rick was putting his equipment away when Jackie hopped up on stage. "You were awesome tonight," she sang, jumping at him and wrapping her arms around his neck.

  Not quite ready to break her spirits, he wrapped his arms around her waist and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. "Thanks, Jackie, that's sweet of you to say."

  She kissed him again, holding him in the embrace a while longer. Rick allowed the kiss...though the twinge in his heart reminded him he'd be shattering hers tonight.

  Breaking their embrace so he could finish packing up, he realized, though the crowd was dispersing, there were still people lingering and watching. When he turned to grab his guitar case, he halted. He hadn't been hallucinating. Facing him, with a huge tear running down her cheek, was the one person who should never have seen him in the arms of another woman.

  "Lee, Lena," he stammered, when trying to speak. "It's not what it looks like. She's not my..."

  But Lena had not let him finish, she turned on her heel and ran out, leaving Rick standing with his heart in his throat. Here he was, afraid to break the heart of a girl he didn't love, while crushing the heart of the girl he did. Right there, he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, Lena showed up tonight to make amends. And now...he blew it.

  When he finally turned back to gather his stuff, Jackie'd been crying her own tears.

  "Jackie," Rick breathed.

  "No. Don't. I understand. Uh...I was going to tell you anyway."

  "What?" Rick asked.

  "Yeah, I've been trying to figure out how to tell you this, but now...it seems you probably won't really mind."

  Bewildered and impatient, Rick wanted to run after Lena, but he shook his head and stayed put. "I...don't understand."

  "Luke...and me. We thought...we wanted to give it a shot. Ya know, see if there was something between us and all...anyway, now you can go to that P.R. chick and well, I don't have to feel bad for breaking your heart."

  Rick knew Jackie wasn't telling the truth, but whether she intended to save his dignity or her own, he wouldn't push it. "If that's what you want," he said.

  "It is," Jackie answered, much too quickly for Rick to believe she'd meant it, but he couldn't do anything about that. She knew where Rick stood now regarding his emotions; he'd let her lead him to believe she wanted out. It was the best he could do under the circumstances.

  ***********

  Saturday morning, Rick rushed down to Haledon. The minute he woke, he'd brushed his teeth, put on a cap and took off in his Jeep.

  When he'd pulled up to her house, she was there. Sitting on the wrap-around front porch, with her hair tied back in a ponytail and covered with a glittery baseball hat, Lena was feeding her baby. He noticed her fidget when he moved up the sidewalk. Overcome by frenzied emotions, Rick barely ascended the front steps, dropping to his knees at the top, he cried.

  "I need you," he wept.

  She sat there, baby in hand, crying herself. "No."

  "Lena, please." Rick rose and sat on the railing across from her. "It wasn't what it looked like." Cringing at his own words, he knew Lena wouldn't buy it.

  "You were
n't kissing somebody? What was it Rick, mouth to mouth?"

  Damn, she had become much too sassy. "Yes, I was kissing somebody, but...I'm not in love with her."

  "You mustn't really love me like you'd said you did, not if you can be with someone else."

  "Lena, you're not a guy. Guys can be with someone they don't love." Oh, he was batting a thousand with his comments this morning.

  "Goodbye, Rick."

  "Lena, please," he pleaded. After a few seconds of silence, Rick stood up and, staring into the eyes of her little boy, decided to change course. "What's his name?"

  "Sam."

  "He's cute."

  "Thanks."

  Rick kept his gaze on Sam, falling deeper in love with him by the second. "Can I hold him?"

  "I need to burp him," Lena frowned.

  "I can burp him."

  She let out an audible sigh.

  Rick looked her in the eyes. "Please, Lena? I need to hold him."

  After another sigh, she stood to hand the baby over. "Okay."

  Rick took Sam from Lena's arms and sat on the wicker chair next to her. A feeling of amazement and serenity washed over him. Holding Sam felt as natural as breathing. Inhaling Sam's soft powdery scent, Rick kissed his velvety forehead. "I love him already," Rick choked.

  "You do?" a surprised Lena inquired.

  "I do."

  "Why?" she asked, furrowing her brow.

  Turning to look at Lena square in the eyes, he poured out his heart. "Because I love you. I always have and I always will. Not even death could prevent my loving you, Lena. No matter what shape or form you may come back as, I will always love you. You may want to push me away, but you cannot hold me back. I will keep returning." He took a deep breath and continued the dialogue he'd gone over in his mind time and again, hoping for the chance to finally declare his feelings to her. "So you can do what you want, push all you'd like, but I can't give up. I will not give up. And this little boy," Rick pulled Sammy tighter to his chest, "he's part of you. How could I not love him?"