Missing Lily

by Annette K. Larsen

  Her teasing comment didn’t make me smile. My heart sank, realizing exactly who she should be worrying over. “Raina.” Her name slipped out on a breath of worry.

  “What was that?”

  “Raina.” How could I have failed to think of her?

  “What about her?”

  “That’s who you should be worrying over.” I put my hand to my head, caught up in my thoughts. “She may have cut all ties with Tobias, but that does not mean she has stopped caring for him. What did she do when she found out?”

  My mother shook her head. “She hardly reacted at all. She just took it all in, said nothing, and left the room. I didn’t have time to speak with her before we came here.”

  “She may very well need you more than I do right now.”

  “Are you trying to convince me that everything is perfectly fine with you?”

  “Of course not, but everything is not fine with Raina either.”

  “Do you think their attachment was really that great?”

  “Their relationship was passionate and volatile. I think it would be quite impossible for her to recover from those kinds of feelings in such a short time.”

  “But she has been doing so much better. I’m certain she can handle herself, and you cannot think that I would leave you here, alone and wounded.”

  “I’m not alone, Mama. And I’m not suggesting that you leave right now, but after Lord Fallon returns—”

  “I’m staying to take care of you.”

  Determination shone in her eyes. I knew that she often felt as if she didn’t take care of us enough when we were younger. And now that all but Lorraina and I had gone away, she seemed more and more desperate to hang on to us, to show that she could protect us. And it wasn’t that I wanted her to leave.

  “Who’s going to take care of Lorraina?”

  She opened her mouth to respond but couldn’t.

  “The doctor says I should stay here for at least three weeks. The stress of riding on horseback or even in a carriage could cause more damage. Kalina is busy taking care of her baby, and Lorraina will not accept help from Ella.”

  “Perhaps Marilee—”

  I shook my head. “Marilee is too far, and I don’t think she’s in a position to care for anyone else right now.”

  Mother pushed my hair behind my ear and tried to smile. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

  I was tempted to laugh but knew it would hurt my side. “I just want someone to be there for Raina, especially when Tobias is found.” She continued to look uncertain. “I will be well taken care of, I promise. They took excellent care of me last time, remember?”

  “Your wounds were not so severe last time.”

  I remained silent, hoping that logic would win her over by the time my father was ready to return home.

  ***

  The sound of horses gathering outside made me sit up. It had been two full days since Rhys and my father had joined the search for Tobias. My mother went down to meet them and I was left alone in my room, listening to the indiscernible hum of voices and the chaos of so many people moving around outside and inside. Time stretched out and my patience was wearing thin by the time my parents stepped into my room.

  “Did you find him?”

  My father sat on the edge of my bed, scrubbing a hand over his face, then fisting his hands in his hair before focusing on me. “We lost his trail yesterday and have not been able to pick it up again.” He closed his eyes, massaging his forehead with his finger and thumb before looking back to me, regret and frustration burning in his eyes. “I cannot continue searching. I must return home and deal with everything else that has—”

  “You don’t have to justify your decision to me,” I assured him. “I understand. Go home. Leave the search to your knights.”

  “I want him found.” The anger and grit in his voice left me speechless for a moment.

  “So do I.”

  He let out a sigh. “You will be well here?”

  “I am perfectly content.”

  A smile slipped across his face and he shook his head, seeming baffled and amused at the same time. “I’m sure you are. Do you mind if your mother accompanies me? If you have need of her, she can stay, of course, but—”

  “Of course I’m staying.” My mother sat herself on my other side as if she would never leave.

  “Mama, I told you I will be fine.”

  “You need to be taken care of.”

  I opened my mouth to argue further, but my father beat me to it.

  “Loralai. Lord Fallon will be solely responsible for Lylin’s wellbeing soon enough. I’m sure he will take excellent care of her.”

  My cheeks warmed at the obvious inference of marriage. Of course that was what I hoped for, but the subject had not yet been broached between Rhys and me.

  “Don’t look so shocked.” My father stood and kissed my head. “We all know it’s coming.” He looked at me with a very meaningful raise of his eyebrows before holding a hand out to my mother. “Say your farewells, dear. We will have to entrust Lylin to Lord Fallon while we see to other matters.”

  I looked to my mother, waiting to see if she would be convinced. Her eyebrows were drawn together in worry, her eyes searching my face. “Go with Father,” I prompted. “Lorraina will need you.”

  She finally gave a slow nod before squeezing my hand too tightly and bidding me farewell. I listened to the sounds of their departure, and in the eerie silence of their absence, I wondered how long I would need to stay here, alone in this room. The doctor had forbidden me leaving the room and most especially using the stairs, but he had encouraged me to move about the room a little at a time. So I carefully moved my covers aside and slid to the edge of the bed, wincing with each movement that pulled on my side. I grabbed the dressing gown draped over the chair beside my bed and was able to put it on and then take the one step required to move from bed to chair. That was enough movement for the time being, so I settled there in my chair and contemplated what the next few weeks would be like if Rhys decided to stay away. Surely he wouldn’t.

  I was twisting my hair into knots, on the verge of a nervous fit, when he appeared in my doorway. A thrill shot through me—until I saw his face.

  He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. His eyes were haunted, his hair was a mess, and if he had slept, it appeared as if he’d done so in his clothes.

  “What’s wrong?” I tried to rise, but he stopped me.

  “Don’t get up.” His voice was quiet as he crossed the room and knelt in front of me.

  I searched his face, trying to find some clue as to what he was feeling, but he wouldn’t meet my gaze. I finally took his face in my hands and made him look at me. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “What’s wrong?” His voice was husky. “My brother hurt you. And I cannot even find him to bring him to justice.” A hard edge suffused his face and voice.

  “But I’m sure he will be. It will be over soon.” I did not sound convincing.

  He laced his fingers through mine, pulling my hands away from his face. “It will not be over until he pays.”

  “I don’t want you to be the one to make him pay!”

  “Why not?”

  “Because,” I faltered. Why not? I didn’t know why not, only that a stab of fear ripped through me when I thought of an encounter between the brothers. But I couldn’t say why.

  He shook his head, pressed his lips together, then blew out a breath, seeming to redirect his thoughts. “How are you feeling? Are you supposed to be up?”

  I allowed the change of subject. “I’m sitting in a chair, a step away from the bed; that’s hardly being ‘up.’”

  “Still—”

  “If you wanted to know the doctor’s instructions, why haven’t you been to see me before now?” I hadn’t planned on asking. It just came out.

  He stared at our entwined hands, tracing circles on my palms with his thumbs. “I wanted to find Tobias first, to be sure you were safe before...”r />
  I held my breath, waiting for him to finish, but he didn’t. “Before what?”

  He gave a half shake of his head, keeping something back. “Before coming to see you.”

  I pulled one hand out of his grasp and lifted his chin so he would look at me. “I...” I swallowed. “I missed you. I wanted you here.” My hands shook from nerves. I knew Rhys loved me, but he had stayed away for reasons I didn’t understand, and time can do terrible things to confidence.

  He surprised me by placing a careful kiss to my mouth, then pulling back to watch my reaction. I didn’t give him much of a chance, instead choosing to instigate a kiss myself. His response was gentle and sweet and made me wonder even more, “Why didn’t you come?”

  He searched my eyes before admitting, “I wanted to be with you, but I felt...out of control. I wasn’t myself, I was...” He shook his head. “I wanted to be a comfort to you, not a burden.”

  I thought on his words and studied his face, trying to understand.

  “Even now,” he admitted in a broken voice, “I’m furious.”

  “So am I.”

  His face relaxed and he let out a sigh, lowering his head to rest in my lap. “I didn’t think him capable of something like this. If I had, I swear I wouldn’t have—”

  “I know.” I ran my fingers through his hair for several minutes.

  I was starting to relax, starting to enjoy just being with him when he picked up his head, a determined look set in his features. The determination didn’t concern me, but the hard edge that accompanied it did. He kissed me again, but it was short, blunt and held no tenderness. “I love you. And I will make this right.”

  He stood and left the room, leaving me chilled and more distressed than I had been before he came to see me.

  ***

  Over the next week, Rhys visited with me for several hours each day, reading to me or peppering me with questions about my childhood and my family. I asked my own questions, trying to convince him to tell me more of Tobias, but he avoided any real discussion of his brother. He would mention only that the search continued, that there had been no real progress. Then he would smile in a way that reminded me of a caged animal and ask me how I was feeling and what he could do to make me more comfortable.

  “I would be much more comfortable if I could leave this room.”

  This always elicited a real, if small, smile from him. “As you’ve reminded me each day. But as I have reminded you, I am only following the doctor’s orders.”

  “Surely bending those rules just a bit wouldn’t hurt.”

  His eyes lit up, but he shook his head, determined to follow the doctor’s instructions with the utmost care. It seemed he was trying to make up for the part he played in my injury, though I took every opportunity to remind him that it wasn’t his fault.

  After a week, I was allowed to sit up in a chair for most of the day. I had Rhys situate a table so that I could read and write, both of which I did a great deal when Rhys was busy elsewhere. I continued writing letters to him, mostly because of the understanding it gave me. I gained a tremendous amount of insight and clarity from my writings.

  It was one such letter that held my attention when Rhys strode into my room, leaving the door open so that Nathaniel could hear us without being intrusive. I had become used to the constant company of my guards and felt little if any embarrassment at what they might hear. They had both proven themselves to be understanding and loyal.

  Rhys bent to kiss my forehead and smiled as he greeted me, but it was strained.

  “Still no word of him?” I asked.

  “No.” His smile faded even more. “It’s only a matter of time, though.”

  I usually let the subject drop, but felt the need to delve further. “What if he fled the country?” I almost hoped that he had. It had been ten days since Tobias had disappeared, and each day Rhys wound himself tighter and tighter. His need for justice hung heavy about his shoulders. Though it wasn’t the idea of justice that left me feeling ill. I could almost see the demand for revenge as it inched its way past Rhys’s defenses, determined to lay claim on his mind.

  “He didn’t,” was Rhys’s curt reply as he sat in the chair across from me.

  “How can you know that?”

  “Because Tobias doesn’t give up.”

  “You think he’ll come back? That he’ll try—”

  “Yes,” he answered as he stared into the flames.

  “Is that why you stalk about like a vigilant watch dog? Why you won’t relax and are constantly on edge?”

  He turned his haunted eyes to mine. “What kind of man would I be if I were unconcerned about what he might do to you?” His face was determined but so very tired.

  I had never considered the toll my stay might be taking on him. “Shall I go home?”

  His face blanched. “What?”

  “I do not wish to drive you mad with worry. Perhaps I should return home and allow my parents—”

  “No.” He rushed over and sat beside me. “I mean. If you wish to go home, then—”

  “I don’t, but—”

  “Then stay here with me. I promise I am far less worried knowing that you are here. At least until he is found.”

  “And then what?”

  “I will make him pay.” The speed with which he answered startled me.

  “Rhys.”

  “He could come back at any time. Doesn’t that frighten you at all?”

  “Of course it does!” Couldn’t he see that? “I am terrified. But you getting caught up in revenge doesn’t make me feel safer, it just gives me one more thing to worry about. I want him to be caught; I need him to be caught so that maybe my nightmares will go away. But Tobias coming back isn’t what scares me the most. You’ve been scaring me. I can feel you pulling away from me. That’s what scares me!”

  His expression transformed into pure guilt. “You have nightmares?”

  I hadn’t meant to admit that.

  “My brother,” he spoke with deliberation, “has given you nightmares. And I should be unconcerned? I should relax? You want me to forget that that monster is still out there?”

  Tobias may have been a monster, but that didn’t loosen the tie that bound him to Rhys. “He is still your brother.”

  “Not anymore.”

  The chill in his voice and the look in his eyes scared me, and I shook my head frantically. “Please don’t get lost in this. Please just be here with me. Don’t let him consume your thoughts.”

  “How can I not? What if that knife had pierced your chest instead of your side? We would not be having this conversation because you would not be here.” He pounded our clasped hands on my knees.

  “But I am here!” My shout forced him to focus on me. “And if you lose yourself in this anger, then what’s the point of me staying? Please, Rhys. Please, just be here with me.” I tried to smile, desperate to pull him away from anger. “Tell me how much you love me. Tell me…tell me how jealous you were of Lord Wisen. Tell me how tedious you found your time with Lorraina. But don’t speak to me of revenge, and don’t try to call it justice.”

  His hands trembled as they clasped mine and he remained silent, searching my face before his eyes fixated on my mouth.

  “I want him to be caught.” I paused as his grip loosened and his fingers caressed my palms. “But I don’t want you to be hurt when—”

  He leaned forward and captured my lips, kissing me for several moments before pulling away to rest his forehead against mine. “I’m so angry. I want him to pay, but the more I think on it…what if that means he faces the noose? Can I really be a part of sending him to his death?”

  I searched his face, trying to find the right words, desperate for a way to comfort him.

  “I thought I could. My anger made me think I could, but now? How can I want that for my brother? But how can I not want that for the man who hurt you?”

  I closed my eyes, not knowing what to say. I wasn’t the only one Tobias had hurt, and
of the two of us, it was becoming apparent that Rhys’s pain was deeper. Tobias had certainly wreaked havoc on our lives. He had marked us with grief, carving his betrayal into the relationship we should have been building.

  “I’m sorry your brother has hurt you so deeply. But running roughshod into a situation where he can hurt you more will only compound your hurt and mine.” I held his gaze, willing my words to sink in. “Please don’t give him that kind of power.”

  He managed a smile through his distress. “How did you get to be so wise?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t feel wise.”

  We managed to speak of trivial things after that, resolutely avoiding any more mention of Tobias. But our conversation soon lagged as Rhys became lost to his own thoughts. My fingers started aching to write. As odd as it was to write letters to a man who occupied the same house as I did, it was the best way to make sense of my turmoil. I reached for a new piece of paper, expressing my thoughts in a letter, instead of to the man who sat only feet away from me.

  Dear Rhys,

  How strange to be here in your home with you, but still feel the need to write these letters. I hope one day I will be able to give them to you, to give you all of myself. But I don’t think that’s a good idea right now. You sit here in the same room, brooding and angry. I understand why, and I certainly don’t blame you for your feelings. I just wish neither of us had a reason to brood, to be hurt, to be angry, to feel betrayed, to feel alone.

  How horrible it is to be here with you and still feel alone. I relish every moment we have together. Each time we’re able to both forget our worries and our ire, I feel an inexplicable joy. You, my dear Rhys, you bring me joy. But those moments are few and far between, it seems. Because so much of the time, I am frightened, or you are worried. I am trying desperately to convince you to let go of your anger, but when I am honest with myself, I know that my anger burns just as hot. Not because he hurt me, but because he is ruining us.

  I have faith that we will repair our bond, but I feel so cheated. He has stolen what could have been a beautiful time to just be together, to grow our love. We will never get that back.

  I am still half disbelieving that I can write that word and know it’s true. To love and be loved, it’s a miraculous thing. And yet, we cannot enjoy it. He has brought us to a standstill, unable to move forward. Until what? Until he tries again? Until he is imprisoned? Until he is dead? Are those the outcomes we are waiting for? Are those really the only ways to break through this endless wait and be able to move again? To breathe again?