Breathe Out Slow

by AD Lawless

  His right hand was warm, tangled up with Chris’ and tucked between their bodies. The sides of their heads almost touched and when Chris tilted his head to look at him, even in the dark Ryan could see warmth and contentment in Chris’ soft brown eyes.

  Every year on Chris’s birthday they asked each other the same series of five questions. Often times the answers stayed the same, but every once in a while one or two of them would change and that was the interesting thing about getting older, Ryan supposed and growing up with someone.

  Even when you thought you knew every last part of a person, every single atom that made up their being, you really didn't because people were always evolving and learning. So the best part was, he knew Chris in all of the most important ways, who he was, his core values, his heart, and he got to be the person that Chris shared all of the ways that he was changing with. Got to see up close how Chris’s mind worked.

  “So, eighteen. How's it feel?” Ryan asked with a smirk, though he knew the answer Chris would give by heart; Ask yourself dumbass, your birthday came first.

  “Scary.” Chris answered with a chuckle, and that was a new one. “How the fuck did we get this old, Ry? Swear yesterday we were riding our bikes around the neighborhood and Josh was missing a tooth. That lisp, God. Now we’re going to college and everything's gonna change.”

  Reassuringly, Ryan squeezed his hand, “Not everything. You got me and I’m not going anywhere.”

  Chris’s answering smile warmed Ryan's chest and his heart sped up just a little when Chris leaned over and kissed him, slow and sweet. Dry until Chris’s tongue licked along Ryan’s lips, swept inside his mouth and brushed against his before he pulled back with a little bite to Ryan's bottom lip.

  Heat curled in Ryan's gut like anticipation and he ignored it for now. They had questions to get through first, and he'd waited this long, what was a few more minutes. Tonight was special, and he didn't wanna rush anything.

  ”Favorite color?” Ryan asked.

  “Green. Like your pretty, pretty eyes.” Chris teased and Ryan laughed.

  “Shut up, dork. Red for me. What d’you wanna be?”

  “I don’t fuckin’ know! Seriously, how am I even supposed to figure that out. Every other time I answered that question it was just like, daydreaming out loud. From now on it’s basically like picking a real direction for my life to go. And I legitimately don’t have a damn clue.” Chris said on the verge of panic.

  “Well this got heavy fast.” Ryan said teasingly. “Just relax, not everyone’s got a plan when they go to college. You’ll figure it out.”

  He squeezed Chris’s hand again as a reminder that wherever he went, he’d be there. Chris let out a sigh, scrubbed a hand over his face and probably wasn’t even aware he was pouting when he said, “You do though. Known it since you were a kid.”

  It was adorable and Ryan wanted to kiss him, but existential crisis first, “I’ve always been pretty good at knowing what I want.” He smirked at Chris and then continued, “You’re more of a wing it kinda person. Nothing wrong with that. Some of the best times we’ve had ’ve been because you took us somewhere we didn’t plan to be.”

  Mollified, Chris smiled a little, “Roadtrip.”

  Ryan nodded, “Roadtrip. Maybe don’t think of it as a straight line from here to what you’re gonna do forever. There’s nothing that says you gotta choose one thing the second you graduate and it’s set in stone. Okay, yeah, there’s a lot of pressure that that’s what’ll happen, but lots of people change their minds. And I know you. You’re smart and resourceful, people love you. Whatever you pick, you’ll be great at it.”

  “You’re such a sap.” Chris said, just a little too thickly to properly pull off unaffected.

  “Whatever. I just don’t wanna support your ass on a teacher’s pay for twenty years while you figure it out.” Ryan said with a laugh. “Gotta motivate you now. Nip it in the bud.”

  “That right?” Chris asked as his eyes flashed with a hint of mischief. Went with the smirk on his face as he rolled over half on top of Ryan, fitted one leg in between Ryan’s and he had to smother a gasp.

  “Mhmm.” Ryan hummed, eyes lit up with amusement while a slow burn started low in his belly.

  More playfully than before, Chris kissed him. One of his hands cupped the back of Ryan’s head, tilted it just right as he slid his tongue hot and wet into Ryan’s mouth. God, Chris was good at that, at kissing him just how he liked, perfect tongue that curled sweetly around his. Flicked at his soft palate and it didn’t take much at all for Chris to get him worked up. Hard and aching for him.

  It wasn’t the first time they’d fooled around, they’d been gradually building up to this. Seemed like they’d always been it for each other even before they’d understood what that meant. Nothing had ever come of it until they were at a bonfire last August. Seventeen and drunk on cheap beer that someone’s older brother had brought.

  They’d made their way back to their tent on unsteady feet as they chuckled at their own clumsiness and half-supported one another. Once they’d zipped up the tent, the only light the green glowstick that’d hung overhead, Chris had looked at him with those melted chocolate eyes, and Ryan hadn’t even thought about what he was doing until their lips were pressed together. And then it didn’t matter because Chris was kissing him back.

  Just slow, sloppy kisses they were too drunk to make really good, but neither of them cared, because it’d felt perfect anyway. They’d fallen asleep tangled up together and they hadn’t looked back since.

  Now, though, Chris was practically an expert at taking Ryan apart with nothing more than his mouth and hands, his body. He rolled his hips down and Ryan arched up into it. Ran his hands down Chris’s back until he reached the hem of his shirt and then slowly dragged it up and off. As soon as it was over his head, Chris dove back in for another quick, hard kiss before he got Ryan’s off too.

  So much bare skin that Ryan couldn’t keep his hands still, touched every part of Chris that he could reach while Chris sucked hot open-mouthed kisses down his neck. Felt so damn good that Ryan’s hips jerked involuntarily up, ground himself against Chris. Desperate, needy little groans echoed in the stillness around them.

  An endless moment later, Chris pulled back and ran a reverent thumb over Ryan’s cheek.

  “You sure about this?” Chris asked softly, “We don’t have to.”

  Warm affection spread through Ryan’s chest, heated his cheeks but yeah, he was sure, “Love you. I want this.”

  Chris nodded and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, “Love you too. Just lemme grab the lube and condoms.”

  Without Chris’s warm weight covering him, Ryan shivered a little in the chill air, goosebumps broke out on his skin. When Chris came back with the stuff they needed they got the rest of their clothes off, and it was nothing they hadn’t seen of each other before, but it was still hot and heady, felt like something big and overwhelming.

  Like he belonged there, Chris blanketed Ryan, teased him with slippery fingers until he was relaxed, slick and pliant beneath him. Then quickly tore open the condom wrapper, got it out, rolled it on, and that was where his hurry ended. Nervousness fluttered in Ryan’s chest but he trusted Chris, knew he’d make it good.

  “God, you’re hot.” Chris groaned and Ryan blinked his eyes open, watched as Chris slicked himself up, eyes locked on his.

  After that it was slow and careful as Chris pushed inside him. Different and just edged with a bit of a burn at first, but when it gave way to pleasure, and it did, the intimacy of it swelled in his chest.

  Their eyes met and there was this intense moment where Ryan just felt how much he loved Chris, felt closer to him than he ever had when that seemed completely impossible. And it just stretched on as Chris pulled back, rocked in over and over.

  Ryan swore and pleaded under his breath, couldn’t help the little noises that leaked out of him with every slow drag of Chris’s hard cock. Hot all over and he wanted more, wanted it
to never stop, but it didn’t take long for either of them to get close.

  “Fuck, ah, feels-” Ryan panted, fingers dug into Chris’s back. “Feels so-fuck, good.”

  Chris tucked his face into the crook of Ryan’s neck, breathed hot and damp against his skin as he said, “You’re so fucking tight. I’m not- I’m close.”

  “Yeah,” Ryan sighed, slipped a hand between them and got some friction where he desperately needed it, cock slick with precome and pleasure spun dizzyingly through him. Pushed him high fast, so full and hard and fuck.

  “Are you- ah-” Chris bit down on the juncture of Ryan’s shoulder and neck, just shy of painful. Little jerks of Chris’s hips as he buried himself deep and came, spilled into the condom with a muffled groan.

  Ryan didn’t even have time to be disappointed that it was over before Chris pulled gently out and slid down his body, sucked him off sloppy and fast while he shook apart beneath him. Skillful flicks of Chris’s tongue over the sensitive head of his cock and everything in Ryan drew up taut, exploded out in bursts of ecstasy as he came, hard.

  When Ryan finally drifted down from his climax, sated and warm with afterglow, Chris kissed him sweet and deep and all he could think about was how much he loved him. How lucky he was.

  CHAPTER THREE

  September 2004

  A couple of weeks into his second year of university, Ryan still spent weekends by himself soaked in liquor and memories that ate away at him. Missed Chris so badly it was an almost physical ache that never seemed to stop throbbing in his chest.

  Josh knew well enough by then not to bother dropping by on the weekend, because Ryan wouldn’t open the door anyway. He knew it killed Josh, that he couldn’t help him, that no one could. People said time healed, but it didn’t. Every day Ryan felt just as raw and torn open as the day before. He just got better at pretending he didn’t.

  Saturday he usually started in early with cheap beer before he moved on to something harder to finally knock himself out. That Saturday though, something itched under his skin. By ten o’clock he couldn’t stand the claustrophobic feeling that everything was too small. His room was tiny and cramped, and he just needed to get out so he could breathe.

  His head was already fuzzy with the beers he’d had earlier, but he got himself into some clean jeans, a faded green t-shirt and navy military-style jacket. Last second he remembered that boots were probably a good idea too.

  It was pure luck that he shoved his keys, phone, and wallet into the pocket of his jeans as he left because that wasn’t at all a conscious thought. A few blocks into his walk he found a hole in the wall bar that wasn’t too hard to charm his way into. The twenty he greased the bouncer’s palm with probably helped a little too.

  Inside, it didn’t look any better than it had outside; outdated booths and rundown bar stools lined the bar, but he wasn’t exactly looking for cheery decor. He headed over to the bar and sat down on one of the stools, ordered a Jack and Coke, and settled in for a night of drowning in public instead of in self-imposed solitary confinement.

  Two drinks later, a rough looking guy sat next to him. Flashed Ryan a smile that was, admittedly cute paired with his pale blue eyes, and introduced himself. Ryan didn’t really catch his name, or care to, but he seemed nice enough. Unfortunately, Ryan wasn’t really in the mood to talk, but the guy didn’t seem to notice. Which irritated him but hey, free booze when he started buying their drinks.

  Some part of Ryan’s alcohol sodden brain told him that he probably shouldn’t accept the drinks when he wasn’t at all interested in what the guy was clearly looking for, but honestly, Ryan couldn’t have given less of a fuck. Thought of it as recompense for having to put up with the guy’s never ending stream of chatter.

  The bar filled up steadily over the next hour or so until it was much busier than Ryan’d expected. His head swam with the crush of bodies around him and the liquor he’d had. A slow glance over his shoulder showed that it wasn’t just his imagination that the temperature had gone up a few too many degrees. Body heat added up fast even in bigger rooms. Just as he thought he should leave, the guy set a third drink in front of him, and Ryan figured, why the hell not, what was one more for the road?

  All of a sudden right after he knocked back his drink, his drinking partner was being punched and through Ryan’s drunken haze he heard the guy who did it asking what the fuck he put in the drink. Ryan’s thoughts were distorted with alcohol, and confusion just barely penetrated his foggy brain when the guy that’d thrown the punch grabbed his arm, but suddenly he was looking up into the warmest hazel eyes he'd ever seen. Ring of bright green that swam in caramel brown and Ryan couldn't concentrate enough to get his mouth and his mind to cooperate in order to form words. Too stunned by the way the guy’s dark brown bangs swept down almost into his vibrant eyes. Shaggy hair that was curled out around his ears.

  Maybe it was the drinks, but Ryan felt an instant attraction that shocked him much more than the fact that someone’d been physically assaulted right next to him. He tried to focus because something was wrong. Had to be a reason why a guy was cowering on the floor while his split lip bled profusely.

  “Hey, man, listen, I'm gonna take you to the hospital now okay?” The guy said, and Ryan cocked his head, concerned, he didn’t feel hurt. Didn’t feel much of anything though, so, it was possible his self-assessment wasn’t rock solid.

  At Ryan’s blank expression, the guy calmly explained he that he’d seen Ryan's drinking buddy dump something in Ryan's drink but he couldn't get there before he’d downed it.

  Considering the amount of alcohol he’d already consumed, Ryan’s level of panic wasn’t nearly as high as it should’ve been in relation to having heard those words. Already pretty drunk, Ryan just didn't comprehend the gravity of his situation, and the guy seemed to realize he wasn’t really gonna get a reaction out of him. Which was good, because Ryan was past the point of caring what happened to him, so someone else doing it for him was probably a good thing.

  “Okay, alright.” The guy said, and huffed out a soft breath as he got Ryan to his feet. “My name’s Liam. We’re gonna get you to a doctor, and you'll be fine, trust me.”

  Obediently, Ryan stumbled along as Liam led him to his car, vaguely wondered how come no one stopped them, but absently noted that Liam was kinda tall and muscular and had just proven himself capable of violence. Reasoning skills weren't quite top shelf right then, but he'd have to be an idiot not to realize people were scared. Maybe he should be too, only he wasn't. Something about the soothing heat of Liam against his side as he kept him upright put a lid on any anxiety he should've felt over getting into a stranger's car after apparently having been roofied.

  Once Ryan was settled in the passenger seat, Liam walked around to the driver's side and got in. Turned down the radio a bit after he started the car so he could talk.

  “So, the whole silence thing is kinda freaking me out, man. What's your name?” Liam asked about five minutes into the drive.

  “‘S Ryan.” His words were a little slurred when he answered, but Ryan figured with so many drinks in him that was normal.

  “Ryan, huh. So, Ryan, what d’you do for a living? Keep talking to me, okay?” Liam asked tightly and the concern in his voice ought to have worried Ryan, he was sure, but it didn't.

  “I don't. Student.” Ryan said disjointedly.

  “Oh, how old are you?” Liam asked, eyes wide but still focused on the road.

  “Nineteen.”

  “Ah, bit of a rebel, huh?” Liam said and Ryan's brow furrowed. “Illegally drinking at a bar.”

  “Are you a cop?” Ryan asked and Liam chuckled.

  “No, not a cop. Student too.” Liam answered with a wry grin.

  Doubtfully, Ryan sized him up then asked, “Oh, are you twenty-one?”

  “Twenty.”

  A smirk tugged at the corners of Ryan's lips, twisted them into a lazy smile, “Who's the rebel now?”

  “You got me.” Liam conf
essed with a quick smile over at him, just glad Ryan was talking coherently. He didn't know how long roofies took to kick in, and it seemed like Ryan was already drunk, so who knew how it'd affect him.

  Anger twisted in Liam's gut. The guy that'd drugged Ryan probably had no fucking clue how it'd affect him either. Just didn't give a damn. Suddenly, he really, really wished he'd gotten in a few more good hits. God knew the guy deserved worse.

  Wearily, Ryan leaned his forehead against the cool glass of the window as they drove. Streets were busy so they weren't moving that fast, but Saturday night in the city, wasn't unusual. Ten minutes of increasingly nonsensical small talk passed as nausea slow rolled over him, his mind got murkier and then in a small voice Ryan asked, “Where's Chris? I… I want Chris.”

  “Who's Chris?”

  Ryan's heart hammered erratically in his chest and something nagged at him, but he pushed it away to answer, “He's- he's my boyfriend. Don’t- don't tell though. It's a secret.”

  “Oh, okay.” Liam said soothingly, “Well, Chris isn't here right now, but I can call him for you when we get to the hospital.”

  Momentarily lucid, Ryan laughed darkly at that while his chest burned painfully. His eyes stung with tears, but he blinked them into darkness. Slumped in his seat, completely unconscious.

  “Ryan?” Liam asked, “Fuck. Almost there. Just be okay, alright?”

  The next few minutes were excruciating for Liam, he kept his left hand on the wheel, right stretched over so that he could keep two of his fingers pressed into Ryan's neck, needed to feel the reassuring pulse there to keep himself from freaking the fuck out. He had no damn idea what you were supposed to do with someone who passed out after they'd been drugged. Needed to get to the hospital, so someone could help.

  Finally he turned into the emergency room parking, and parked in one of the precious few remaining spaces. His chest was tight and panicky when he had to take his fingers back so he could get out of the car and around to the other side. Made the short walk as fast as he could and pulled Ryan's door open.