Breathe Out Slow

by AD Lawless

  Once he’d unbuckled him, Ryan slipped gracelessly forward and Liam tugged him up and out. Took a lot of maneuvering because Ryan wasn't exactly a tiny guy either, but Liam managed to get him out and cradled up into his arms. Fuck, but he was goddamn heavy. Even the short distance through the little parking lot and into the ER was gonna be hard. Ryan let out a stuttering gasp, and a bit of adrenaline spiked in Liam. He kicked the car door shut and haltingly made his way through the lot and inside.

  His skin was slick with sweat by the time he made it over to the Triage area. Despite the nearly full lot only a couple of people were waiting and as soon as the nurse caught sight of them she waved them ahead.

  “Here we go, let's get him on the gurney, Sweetheart. I'm Amanda, can you tell me what happened?”

  Amanda helped him get Ryan onto the hospital bed, and he explained what he'd seen at the bar in between choked gasps for air. She sat him down in one of the chairs next to her station and got him to take deep breaths as she hooked Ryan up to some monitors.

  Her dark brown eyes flicked between Ryan's vitals and Liam's eyes as he spoke and her mocha skin blanched a little, “That boy’s lucky as hell you were there. Who knows what woulda happened to him if you weren't?”

  Shook up, now that he finally had a moment to think about things, he sadly said, “I can guess.”

  Amanda’s lips pursed, and she shook her head softly. Liam wondered if she was just as disturbed as he was.

  “Well, don't you worry your pretty little head, we’re gonna take good care of him. He's gonna be just fine. Unfortunately, I can't let you back with him since you're not family, but you're welcome to wait in the waiting room 'til he wakes up.”

  A part of Liam wanted to protest, some weird sense of obligation, or fear of letting Ryan out of his sight, but he didn't have a leg to stand on and he knew it. So he just nodded and said, “Take care of him. He seems like a good guy.”

  Ryan looked smaller than he really was, vulnerable, right before Liam walked out into the waiting room. The ache in his chest, back and arms from having carried Ryan in finally caught up with him as he spread out tiredly on a little two-seater seafoam green chair among a row of unoccupied ones. He settled in for what was probably gonna be a long night and had a brief pang of concern when he remembered he hadn't gotten Chris’s number from Ryan. Shit.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Gradually consciousness seeped in right alongside a migraine, so Ryan kept his eyes closed against the bright lights of the room. The smell of disinfectant and the quiet-steady beeping of monitors were his first clue that he'd woken up in a hospital, but he couldn't remember why he was there. The slightly worn out hospital gown he was wearing itched a little and he rubbed his palm over his chest to scratch at it.

  Flashes of the night before came back when he poked at his memory; leaving his dorm, the shitty overcrowded bar, a guy cold clocking the dude he was sitting with. Blank stretch he couldn't focus on and then he was in a car, forehead propped up on the window, cold against his burning skin. He'd asked for Chris. That much he remembered clearly. His stomach turned sickly and bile burned the back of his throat.

  Sometimes he still woke up from dreams, the good ones, where the accident never happened, and he just sort of briefly, too briefly, forgot that Chris was dead. He'd find himself thinking he should call him when he got up, or lazily grinding against his bed and thinking he couldn't wait to get his hands on him. And then reality would splash over him like ice cold salty ocean water that sapped every bit of warmth from him while it stung his wounds.

  But he'd never… While he was awake, he'd never forgotten that Chris was gone. A million questions erupted in his mind, a bubbling fountain of disquiet and anxiety. How drunk had he been that he’d woken up in the hospital with a pounding head and an aching body? Everything hurt, and the light when he tried to blink his eyes open shot white hot bolts of pain through his skull.

  He groaned, and brought his hand up to rub his forehead when the door to his room squeaked and he finally got his eyes open in time to see a pretty young nurse with long blonde hair up in a ponytail and a bright smile walk over to his bedside.

  “Finally back with us, I see.” She said brightly. “I’m Lila, your nurse this morning. How are you feeling Ryan?”

  “Like someone ran me over, backed up and did it again. And thirsty.” Ryan said, voice scratchy with sleep and Lila instantly got him a plastic cup of water, adjusted his bed to sitting and handed it to him.

  Once he’d taken a long sip he asked, “What happened to me?”

  She hummed softly as she glanced at the monitor, wrote down some information on his chart, “You don’t remember?” Ryan shook his head, then winced and her eyes went a little soft, but she kept a professional smile on her face, “You were drugged. Lucky for you, you also had a very hot knight in shining, well not armor, but damn that got you here safe and sound.”

  Ryan’s cheeks heated in a flush, embarrassed and caught off-guard, why the fuck would someone drug him? Oh. His stomach turned unpleasantly and his head throbbed. Shoulda never left his room last night. Sometimes he was so fucking dumb. He stared at his lap and tried to think of something to say but just came up blank.

  “He’s still out in the waiting room you know.” Lila told him cheerfully and Ryan’s eyebrows shot up. A stranger’d spent all night in the waiting room for him? Why? Like she read the confusion on Ryan’s face, Lila said, “He was pretty worried about you. Wouldn’t go home until you woke up so he could make sure you were safe. Guess you really freaked him out when you passed out in his car.”

  “Oh, well, I’m okay now. Should I, um? Can you send him in so I can say thanks?” Ryan asked nervously, though he didn’t get why on earth he was so nervous. Just wanted to thank the guy for looking out for him. This morning could’ve been infinitely worse and that thought sent a cold shiver down Ryan’s spine.

  A bright smile spread across Lila’s face as she said, “Sure.”

  By himself now that Lila’d left, Ryan slumped back against the pillow and let out a loud sigh. His life just kept getting more and more fucked up. What the hell’d he done to deserve the shit that just kept coming. Wasn’t it enough that he suffered through each miserable damn day so that he didn’t have to feel guilty that Chris would be disappointed in him? Wasn’t he allowed to fall apart without being taken advantage of? Apparently fucking not.

  Anxiously, Ryan ran his hand through his short hair while he waited, and when the guy walked in Ryan's stomach fluttered uncomfortably. A wide, relieved smile lit up the guy’s face, dimples on both cheeks that were startlingly adorable and his eyes were bright despite the purple smudges beneath them from lack of sleep. Try as he might, Ryan just couldn’t remember his name though he had the odd feeling he did know it.

  God, Liam was glad to see him awake and alert, didn’t fully realize just how concerned he’d been until he walked in and saw Ryan, “Hey, man. How’re you feeling?”

  Ryan shrugged a shoulder, “Like crap. Like the hangover of all hangovers had a baby with another hangover and it's banging on pots in my brain.”

  “Well that was graphic and disturbing.” He grinned and Ryan smiled back.

  “Hey, you asked, uh…”

  “Liam.”

  “Right. Sorry.”

  Liam shook his head, “Hey, no, don't worry about it. You were pretty out of it last night. Um. You asked me to call Chris and I said I would, but uh, they took your phone in with you and I wasn't allowed back until just now. So, yeah, I couldn't.”

  Ryan bit his lip, and looked away. His green eyes flashed with undisguised hurt and Liam wondered what he’d said wrong.

  “Even…” Ryan cleared his throat and glanced up at Liam, then back to his lap. “Even if you had my phone it wouldn't have mattered. Chris uh, he died. I was pretty messed up last night and, anyway. Thanks for helping me.”

  To say Ryan’s confession was unexpected would’ve been an understatement. Liam’s heart sank, and he felt
helpless. The look on Ryan’s face was crushing and he knew they didn’t know each other or anything, but he wished he could do something to get that look off his face.

  “I'm sorry.”

  Ryan noded. He got that a lot. People never really knew what to say, but then, Ryan didn’t know either. Nothing was gonna smooth over the aching hollow inside of him, so what was the point?

  Liam struggled for some kind of response, “Uh, is there anyone I can call for you? Or do you need a ride home when you get discharged?”

  “Nah, I’ll be fine. I’ll just call a cab. You did enough, dude. Really.” Ryan put on what he hoped was a reassuring smile. He’d caused enough trouble for Liam, didn’t wanna pile anything more on.

  Protectiveness over a virtual stranger welled up in Liam’s chest, and he was confused, didn’t know why. He didn’t know this boy, he’d never seen him before last night, but he had this sudden, overwhelming need to take care of him, to make sure he was okay. And maybe it was a side effect of having saved him at the bar or maybe it was because he just looked so damn sad and alone, but either way, Liam couldn’t leave it at that. Couldn’t just walk out of that hospital with a good luck, goodbye.

  “No way, you can’t take a cab. I’ll drive you. If, uh, you want.” Liam said, “Honestly not a problem. Just think of it as an extension to my newfound hero complex.”

  Ryan chuckled at Liam’s over the top wink, but something about his warm eyes and gentle smile felt safe, and his head hurt, he didn’t wanna make awkward small talk with a cab driver, so he accepted a ride. “If you’re sure?”

  “Yeah, of course.”

  Before either of them had time to say anything else the nurse came back with the doctor and after a quick once over and a short discussion, Ryan got discharged. Liam had waited out in the waiting room for him during his exam, and he was still there once Ryan’d changed back into his clothes and made his way out there.

  They walked to Liam’s car and the silence between them was comfortable. Should’ve been awkward Ryan thought, but it didn’t feel stilted.

  Finally a few feet away from the car Liam broke the silence, “Last night I had to carry you all the way from the car. You’re way heavier than you look, dude. Pretty sure I’m gonna be sore for days.”

  Traces of pain still clung to his expression as Ryan laughed, “What, no one ever taught you a fireman’s carry? What’d you do, try and lift me like a kid?”

  At Liam’s scowl, Ryan cracked up again, “Holy shit. I was joking. Jesus. That much dead weight? Gotta say I’m impressed. I’ll say you’ll be sore.”

  “I panicked, okay?” Liam said sulkily, though his lips were ticked up at the corners. “I didn’t have time to carefully examine all the possible ways to carry someone.”

  Amused, Ryan bit his lip, but rolled his eyes.

  “Just shut up and get in.” Liam said a second later with a smile.

  They got in the car and an old Alanis Morissette song filled the air as Liam started it up. Ryan just lifted a brow at him, and Liam shrugged with a smirk. Didn’t take long on the drive for Ryan to retreat back into himself. Uncomfortable with how easily he’d slipped into bantering with Liam. How easy talking to him felt. Ryan got lost in his still slightly hazy thoughts, exhaustion clung to him like a second, weighted, skin and by the time they pulled up in front of the dorm Ryan had directed Liam to, he was detached again.

  “Thanks for the ride.” Ryan said while he unbuckled his seatbelt, but as he reached for the door handle, Liam’s hand on his arm stopped him.

  There wasn't any reason Liam could give for why he'd reached out for him, just this mild panic at the thought of Ryan leaving. Something about the haunted look in his eyes, or the way he'd collapsed in on himself just tugged at something in Liam's chest and he had to stop him. Ryan clearly needed a friend, or someone in his corner, and Liam didn't see any reason not to offer himself up. Helping people was second nature to him, and Ryan looked like he could use help right about then.

  “Hey, let me see your phone for a sec?” Liam asked, and quizzically Ryan pulled it out of his pocket and handed it over. Watched with a furrowed brow as Liam put his number in his contacts.

  “Just in case you need a friend, or you find yourself in trouble. Need a daring rescue or something.” Liam said softly as he handed Ryan’s phone back, like he was worried about him, but why would he be? They didn’t know each other.

  “Oh. Thanks.” Ryan replied, and then pushed his door open.

  As he got out of the car, he shoved his phone in his pocket. Thought Liam was good looking, sweet, but he wasn’t gonna call him. Ryan was the kind of person that wrecked everything he touched and a guy like Liam? Who saved strangers in bars and waited up all night for them to wake up in the hospital? He didn’t deserve that. So Ryan echoed Liam’s wave as he drove away, and had no intention of seeing him again.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  June 2002

  Hot dry air blew in through the open windows of Ryan’s mom’s car. Summer weather had come early, and it’d already heated up to just below mid-summer temperatures with no sign of dipping anytime soon. Despite Chris’s whining about turning on the air-conditioner, Ryan was enjoying the heat. Chris liked to call him a lizard-person, and it wasn’t far off the mark; he loved heat. Sweat beaded on his brow though, and his t-shirt was getting tacky so with a sigh, he finally gave in and switched the AC on, rolled up the windows.

  “Oh, thank fuck!” Chris said emphatically. He pointed the vents toward his face and shoved his sunglasses up to perch on his head so he could shoot Ryan a glare. “When I came up with this plan, I didn’t think it’d involve roasting to fucking death.”

  It’d been Chris’s idea to take a roadtrip for his seventeenth birthday, but Ryan’d been just as gung-ho for a taste of freedom. Responsibility was basically Ryan’s middle name, so their parents hadn’t put up much of a fuss when they’d asked permission. So long as they kept in contact. Didn’t go too far.

  Somehow Chris’d managed to convince Ryan that they didn’t really need a plan for where they were headed. The west coast wasn’t far and they oughta just head that way and see what caught their eye. Close enough that a trip to the ocean didn’t seem quite special enough for this kind of adventure, though normally the idea of something so spontaneous would’ve scared the crap out of Ryan. He was a planner for a reason. It was a hell of a lot easier to keep his usual anxiety in check if he knew exactly what to expect, but Chris’d looked at him with big hopeful eyes and a little smile that’d made Ryan’s heart skip a beat and he’d practically jumped right on board.

  Just after sunrise they’d taken off to a chorus of ‘Have fun’ and ‘Be safe’ and now they were almost two hours into their drive and Ryan was about ready for a real stop.

  “Yeah, whatever. It’s not that hot.” Ryan said as he narrowed his eyes right back at Chris, though Chris wouldn’t ‘ve been able to see his glare from behind the silver mirror aviators Ryan wore.

  Bright sunlight sparkled in Chris’s brown eyes, his cheeks pink with the heat, hair sweaty and messy and Ryan was struck with just how gorgeous he was. An ache in his chest that he’d become all too familiar with since he’d realized the extent of his feelings for Chris welled up, and he cut his eyes back to the road to keep Chris from seeing it on his face. He tried to shove down the melancholic turn his thoughts had taken and ignored just how fucked he was; Chris was never gonna like him back like that.

  And if he didn’t get ahold of himself, he’d wreck their friendship. Chris was straight, that much Ryan was sure of. He talked about girls with enough frequency that he had to be. Which hadn’t bothered Ryan all that much until he’d realized how head over heels for Chris he was. By then it’d been too late to convince his heart to give up no matter how hard he tried to get over his crush. Best friends, that was what they were. All they’d ever be and the sooner Ryan got that through his head, the better off he’d be. Too bad feelings didn’t exacty have an off switch.

 
“Okay, it clearly is that hot, or you wouldn’t ‘ve put on the AC.” Chris teased.

  “Nah, I’m just getting tired. Cold air’ll keep me awake.” Ryan lied and Chris rolled his eyes at him.

  “Fine, let’s take the next exit. Get out of the car for a bit and then we’ll trade-off.” Chris suggested.

  The next exit led them into an idyllic little seaside tourist trap of a town, but it was nice. After they gassed up the car, they parked in the side lot, and got out to walk down the main street. Two or so hours cooped up in the car hadn’t been bad, Ryan loved driving, and things were never boring with Chris around anyway. He couldn’t deny he was glad to be stretching a bit though.

  They ended up ducking into a little gift shop full of the usual touristy stuff like postcards, shot glasses and local knick knacks and Ryan spent a while picking something out for his mom and sister. Eventually he settled on a couple of sea-glass pendants that would match their eyes. Blue for Mom and green for Emma.

  “Hey, what’d you pick out?” Chris asked as he wandered back over to where Ryan was looking at keyrings for his dad.

  “Necklaces for mom and Emma.” Ryan said as he absently held up the necklaces.

  “Dude. Did you pick necklaces to match their eyes?” Chris’s laugh was obnoxiously loud in the small store and Ryan wasn’t the only one who gave him a dirty look, not that he noticed or cared. “That’s so gay.”

  Ryan barely suppressed a flinch and reminded himself Chris didn’t know how much that stung. Wasn’t his fault Ryan’d never told him he was gay and he really wasn’t gonna right then, so he just rolled his eyes at him and said, “No, it’s called thoughtful. Not that you’d know anything about it you selfish dick.”

  “Whatever. I’m totally selfless. Shared my chips with you earlier.” Chris replied with a grin.