Breathe Out Slow

by AD Lawless

  “By shared, you mean threatened to cut my hand off if I stole another handful, right?” Ryan said drily.

  “I was hungry.” Chris said with a shrug, “Can’t blame me for what I say when I’m hungry, Ry.”

  “Uh-huh. Well, I’m gonna pay for these and then we should go find somewhere to get a real breakfast. Poptarts and chips aren’t cutting it for me.” Ryan said as he headed toward the cash.

  “Mmm. Yeah, I want waffles.” Chris said in the kind of voice that oughta be reserved for the bedroom.

  Ryan’s cheeks heated and he forced himself to look away from Chris and smile at the cashier. He couldn’t afford to think about Chris like that. Not when they were gonna be stuck sharing the same space for the entire day until they made it home with little chance of privacy before then. Thank fuck for snug denim and loose t-shirts, or things would’ve been extra awkward.

  He finished paying and found Chris leafing through local postcards with pretty beach scenery on the fronts.

  “So, waffles?”

  “Hmm. Oh, yeah.” Chris said as he tucked the postcard he was looking at back into the stack.

  Sticky summer heat hit them full force when they walked out of the air conditioned store and Ryan pulled his sunglasses down to shield his eyes from the bright light. Tilted his face up for a second, eyes closed as a small smile tugged his lips upward. He blinked his eyes open and found Chris watching him, an amused expression on his face.

  “Fucking lizard.” Chris grumbled, but his voice was fond, so Ryan shrugged an unapologetic shoulder. “Thought you were hungry.”

  “I am. So stop talking and let’s go.” Ryan said smugly.

  They wound up in the truck stop diner attached to the gas station they’d parked at. A pretty redheaded waitress stopped by to take their order and as they waited they fell into an easy conversation that only paused when she dropped off their drinks. About fifteen minutes later she came back with the sunrise special for Ryan, waffles and a double order of sausages for Chris.

  “Got enough sausage there?” Ryan asked with a smirk once the waitress had left.

  Chris’s eyes lit up with mischief as he replied, “What? Sometimes I really like sausage.”

  Sort of stunned, Ryan blinked, cheeks flushed. No way Chris meant that as the double entendre it sounded like, no fucking way. Chris was straight. All the looks between them, the lingering touches that Ryan had to keep reminding himself were just friendly affection? They amounted to nothing compared to the overwhelming evidence that proved Chris’s heterosexuality.

  “Don’t you?” Chris asked, one eyebrow raised, smirk on his lips, and Ryan just stared at him for a sec, tried not to read into Chris’s words because he’d just be setting himself up for disappointment. His cheeks burned even darker and he wished they’d quit it. Then Chris laughed and just like that the tension between them broke.

  “Whatever.” Ryan said with a sigh. “So where to next?”

  Chris shrugged one shoulder while he shoveled a huge piece of whip-cream covered waffle into his mouth, chewed and answered with his mouth full, “Back on the highway ‘til we see something cool.”

  “Fine, but if this trip turns out shitty ‘cause we don’t find anything, I blame you.” Ryan replied.

  A wide smile flashed across Chris’s face, “Hey, a trip with me is never shitty. Admit it, you love being trapped in a car with just me for hours on end.”

  “Oh, yeah. Totally a wet dream come true.” Ryan said sarcastically.

  “Right? It’s ‘cause I’m so hot.” Chris said as his lips twitched with suppressed laughter. Brown eyes light with amusement.

  With a scrunched up nose Ryan replied, “Oh yeah, it’s super hot to be stuck in a car with a guy who forgot deodorant this morning.”

  “What? Did not.” Chris said but in spite of his protest, he sniff-tested himself. “I smell great.”

  “Made ya check.” Ryan said with a triumphant grin.

  Chris laughed, “Whatever asshole. Eat your breakfast so we can get the hell out of here.”

  Any doubt, however brief it might’ve been on Ryan’s part, about Chris’ heterosexuality was firmly shut down when the waitress dropped off the check and he turned on the charm.

  “Sorry kid, come back in like four years and we’ll talk.” The waitress said with an amused smile after Chris’d complimented her on the way her uniform brought out her eyes. She winked at him before she headed to another table and Ryan had to fight down the unfair jealousy that suddenly twisted sharply in his gut.

  He couldn’t help the way he felt or how subdued he was on the walk to the car once they’d dropped the cash to cover their meals and a tip on the table. Of course Chris picked up on his quietness. Because that was just Ryan’s luck. The only time Chris was that observant seemed to be when Ryan had something to hide.

  “Hey, what’s up?” He asked and Ryan just raised an eyebrow, pretended like he had no idea what Chris could be talking about. “Got awfully quiet all of a sudden. Jealous?”

  Shocked, Ryan’s other eyebrow rose up too, while he scrambled for a reasonable answer, “Of what? I’m just stuffed.”

  The half-smile Chris gave him said he didn’t quite believe him, but he let it go, so Ryan breathed a little easier.

  For the next hour Chris drove and Ryan drowsily watched the scenery fly by out the passenger window. Suddenly Chris’s hand excitedly thwacked him in the chest.

  “Dude! Look! There’s a banana museum at the next exit.”

  Ryan raised a confused eyebrow, “And?”

  “And that’s fucking hysterical. We have to stop.” Chris replied with a wide grin.

  “What the fuck even is a banana museum?” Ryan asked skeptically.

  “Hell if I know, but we’re totally stopping.” Chris said as he flicked the turn signal on and pulled into the exit lane.

  “And you said the necklaces I got were gay.” Ryan teasingly said, a smile of his own on his face by then.

  “Whatever. This is funny.”

  Chris was right, it did end up being funny. A sort of cross between a historical museum of factual information about bananas and all kinds of banana related paraphernalia. There was even a little cafeteria with banana themed food, and despite the fact they’d both been stuffed to the brim an hour ago they each ordered a dessert.

  Ryan went with a classic banana split while Chris chose an even unhealthier sounding deep fried banana. They ended up eating from each other’s plates so they’d get to enjoy both and Ryan had to admit that the deep fried banana was actually really tasty drizzled in chocolate sauce.

  As they were headed out the front doors, Chris got sidetracked by the gift-store and bought a dorky little rearview mirror charm. A banana with sunglasses giving a double thumbs up. When they got back in the car, he hung it up and Ryan rolled his eyes.

  “Oh, c’mon, it’s the perfect reminder of how awesomely good I am at picking roadtrip stops.” Chris said happily.

  “Yeah, awesomely bad.” Ryan said with a laugh.

  “Admit it, you freaking loved it.” Chris said.

  “Poor Josh’s gonna be so bummed he missed out on this.” Ryan replied, then let out a dramatically fake sigh.

  “Yeah, wonder when he’s gonna figure out how possessive and shitty Sarah is?” Chris said, “There’s literally nothing she could be doing to him that’s worth having to hang out with her all day every weekend.”

  “Right? There’s definitely no way I could date someone who cried because I wanted to go on a one day long trip with my best friends.” Ryan said with a soft shake of his head. “I feel like a jerk hoping for a couple to break up but damn. I miss the fucker.”

  “Guess we better bring him back something cool.” Chris said with a lopsided smile that Ryan tried very very hard not to find so goddamn attractive. “Really rub in what he missed so he realizes how much cooler we are.”

  “We are cooler.” Ryan agreed.

  The rest of the trip went by in a blur of laughter
and random stops and Ryan felt like there was definitely no place else in the world he’d rather be. Even with the bittersweet longing in his chest, it was worth it. He still got the best parts of Chris, even if there were some he’d never have. And maybe he could find a way to be okay with that. Because one thing was for sure; Living without Chris wasn’t an option for Ryan. So he’d just have to find a way to deal.

  CHAPTER SIX

  October 2004

  It’d been weeks and Ryan still hadn’t deleted Liam’s number from his phone. He wanted to. Wanted to forget all about those soft hazel eyes and the warmth in them. Wanted to forget the way he’d felt like hope or safety or something. But he couldn’t. All morning, he’d been drinking. Kept drinking as the day wore on and now the sun was setting outside his tiny dorm room window and he was loaded.

  His brain was dulled around the edges, and everything tilted on it’s axis whenever he moved. So he tried to stay as still as he could on his back in bed. He rubbed a hand over the thin grey jersey of the loose pajama pants he wore and tried not to think too much. Warm all over and his stomach threatened to rebel, but it didn’t. Not yet.

  For some reason he thought it’d be a good idea to go for a walk. Maybe it was the thought of fresh air, or that he just couldn’t stand to be in his room anymore, but whatever it was, he pushed through nausea and dizziness, threw on a pair of boots and then pulled a jacket on over the faded t-shirt he was already wearing. Single-minded in his focus, he grabbed his phone and keys, locked up behind himself as he left and made his way outside.

  Chilly late fall air didn’t do a damn thing to sober him up, but it felt nice on his too-hot skin. He walked for what felt like a long time and eventually wandered into a little park in a part of town he didn’t recognize. Looked like a residential area, lots of houses anyway but he couldn’t recall the streets he’d taken to get there. Should probably worry about that. There was definitely a time when it would’ve freaked him out, but it was hard to give a fuck about that kind of thing when you already had too much to deal with.

  So he sat heavily on a swing, wrapped his fingers around the cold metal chains and kicked off, probably wasn’t a great idea seeing as the world already felt like it was swaying lazily, but he wanted to swing so he did. Frigid wind rushed over his face and it was dark and he kept thinking about that time Chris’d dared him to jump off the swing and he’d broken his ankle. He didn’t even feel the tears on his numb face. Or the way he shook with silent sobs.

  Without thinking about it, his feet dragged in the dirt and he slowed himself to a stop. Somehow his phone ended up in his hand, and he selected his contacts, then Liam’s name. He told himself it didn’t mean anything, he just wanted to hear a friendly voice. That was all. Knew it was a lie because it felt like a lifeline as the phone rang. Like something big and important, he just wanted to talk to someone. Actually talk.

  “Hello?” A deep sleep roughened voice answered.

  “Um. Hi.” Ryan said, cheeks dark pink with embarrassment.

  There was some indistinct shuffling, sheets rumpling or maybe a hand rubbed over a face, then, “Who, uh- who is this?”

  “I- it’s Ryan. From um, a few weeks ago.” Even he heard the slur in his words and he wouldn’t blame Liam if he told him to just fuck off and hung up on him but he didn’t.

  “Oh! Hey, started to think I wouldn’t hear from you. What’s up?”

  Liam sounded genuinely curious, a little relieved and something warm that Ryan couldn’t get a read on, but was instantly drawn to. A little hitch of breath caught in Ryan’s throat and he gave a watery chuckle.

  “Ryan? What’s going on man?”

  He struggled to think of something to say, thought maybe calling was a mistake, but he didn’t want to upset Liam. Finally he settled on part of the truth, “I’m- I got lost.”

  “Huh? Where are you?”

  “'F I knew that, wouldn't be lost.” Ryan slurred as he leaned his forehead against the cool metal of the chain-link.

  “Point.” Liam conceded. “Alright, how 'bout you describe where you are?”

  Ryan nodded, then realized how fucking dumb that was, “Yeah, kay. Um, 'm at a park. Like a kids playground. 's small.” He glanced around, and squinted through the dark. “Big double wide green 'n metal slide. Swings. Rainbow monkey bars. 'N there's a pink hippo, on-on one of those, like, big springs, you know? 'S the only thing here that doesn't look brand spankin’ new.”

  “Shit.” Liam breathed, voice full of relief. “I know where you are.”

  Ryan's head cocked a little, surprised, “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, you're at the park I take my niece to. And lucky you, I was spending the night at my brother's so I'm like five minutes away. Just stay there, okay? I'll come get you.” Liam said, and Ryan's heart stuttered a little even as guilt churned in his gut.

  He was taking Liam away from his family. What was wrong with him? He couldn't keep himself together and now he was dragging someone innocent in to clean up his mess. He was so- just, fucked up.

  “Ryan?”

  He rubbed his hand over his face and made himself focus on Liam's voice, “Yeah, 'm here.”

  “Good. Just- promise me you’ll stay there okay? Don't wander off.” Liam said over the sound of louder shuffling.

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “You don't have to come get me. It's… I'll be fine. I don't wanna- You shouldn't hafta-”

  “Ryan. Shut up. I'm almost there.”

  A ragged sigh burst from Ryan's lips as he hunched over further on the swing, scrubbed his hand through his hair. “Okay.”

  When Liam got there he found Ryan on the swings. Eyes closed, expression pitifully lost. His heart clenched in sympathy and all he wanted to do was make Ryan feel better. Something in the pit of his stomach twisted because he didn’t know if he could, but as long as Ryan would let him, he knew he’d try. And even if he didn’t understand why, he was gonna do whatever he could for him. Liam walked over and sat down on the swing next to him.

  “Hey.”

  Ryan’s eyes blinked open watery green in the dim light of a nearby streetlight. He smirked but it did nothing to hide the anguish in his eyes, “Here for another rescue?”

  “Seems like.” Liam said softly, “What are you doing out here?”

  “Dunno.” Those hazel eyes were watching him with a mix of concern and warmth that normally would’ve just pissed Ryan off, shut him down, only on Liam it looked a lot like talk to me, and for some reason he actually wanted to, “I’m not… Doing great, I guess? I don’t really deserve to though, so. Chris would- If it wasn’t for my dumbass, he’d still be alive.”

  And then Ryan poured it all out, like now that the mental dam that’d been holding everything back had cracked he couldn’t stem the flow of his words. Told Liam about how Chris had kissed Allie, his jealousy, their dumb fight, breaking up with him even though he still loved him, going home and passing out. Waking up in the middle of the night to sirens and a phone call from Chris’s mom, it all came out in fits and starts and a broken, jagged voice that just made Liam want to reach out and pull Ryan into his arms. Hold him there and comfort him.

  Instead he kept himself still, listened quietly and held Ryan’s gaze the few times he lifted it from the ground.

  “She said… Chris left the party loaded. Guess he told everyone we had a fight and he said he had to talk to me. No one thought he’d drive, but no one took his keys either. He crashed a few blocks from my house. He didn’t even- He didn’t have his seatbelt on. Who does that? Who drives drunk and doesn’t put a fucking seatbelt on?” Ryan looked up at Liam then, eyes huge and bright with pain, tears gathered in the corners.

  Liam breathed out a harsh breath and tried desperately to think of the right thing to say. He’d always been good at dealing with people and emotions, but right then he felt all but useless. Didn’t have a clue what was the right thing to say and wished he knew.

  “None of that makes it you
r fault.” He finally settled on, and Ryan flinched like he’d been slapped.

  “If I- I hadn’t been a jealous asshole. If I coulda just let it go… Or stayed and fought with him until we made up. Anything else, he’d be alive. How’s that not my fault?” Despair and guilt washed through Ryan in waves that left him trembling and sick to his stomach. Too cold and too hot at the same time.

  “Because you were a kid, Jesus, you couldn’t have known what he’d do. And anyone would be pissed if their boyfriend kissed someone else right in front of them. You had a right to be angry, Ryan. You had a right to storm off. It’s not your fault he got behind that wheel. No matter what you’ve been telling yourself.” Liam emphatically told him, sincerity in every word.

  The weight Ryan’d been carrying, the blame, made Liam ache for him. He could understand how someone would think like that, but God, he didn’t deserve to carry it all on his own.

  Ryan shook his head, eyes squeezed tightly closed, “She said… Chris’s mom, she said…”

  “Holy shit. Are you kidding me right now?” Disbelief and anger crept into Liam’s voice, grieving parent or not, who the fuck would do that to a kid? “She told you it was your fault.”

  Ryan’s shoulders sagged and tears slipped over his cheeks, “She said it should’ve been me. She said she knew there was something wrong with me, that I’d… I’d made Chris… That he never would’ve… I don’t know how she found out.” A small wrecked sob escaped his chest and then he pushed on. “Everyone thought we were just friends. Chris knew his mom wouldn’t like it and I was so scared I’d lose him.”

  Liam’s chest felt ripped open and he knew it was only a fraction of the pain Ryan was in. Suddenly he found himself on his feet, the distance between them closed. His arms came up and wrapped around Ryan instinctively, pulled him into his chest and cradled him there. A stuttered gasp broke the silence a second before Ryan melted into it, and clung to him. Quiet sobs shook his shoulders as his hands fisted in the back of Liam’s jacket. Tears soaked into the front of his shirt where Ryan’s face was buried, and Liam did the only thing he could; he held Ryan together while he broke apart and just whispered it wasn’t your fault over and over until Ryan finally calmed enough to pull back.