Breathe Out Slow

by AD Lawless

  “Yep, but I couldn’t give less of a flying fuck if Liam knows any of it.”

  “Uh-huh, well, just keep in mind it wouldn’t be hard to track Vivian down and share the disturbingly hilarious story of the time at the lake house when I walked in on-”

  “Okay, geez. No one needs to hear that one. Keep it PG dude.” Josh interrupted hastily.

  Looking way too amused, Liam’s brows rose in question but Ryan just laughed and shook his head. Josh was right, no one else needed to be mentally scarred.

  The three of them wound up down in the common room on Josh’s floor where they watched a marathon of crappy horror movies crammed together on the oversized couch with Ryan in the middle. It was comfortable and Josh and Liam’s running commentary on the unrealistic kill scenes kept cracking Ryan up. A few times he caught fond looks from Josh, like he couldn’t believe how easy everything was, how relaxed Ryan was.

  Eventually they ordered pizza and the marathon continued until it was dark outside. Josh and Liam got along well, which Ryan really enjoyed. He even caught Josh exchanging numbers with him when he came back from the bathroom. For some reason it made him really happy that the two of them actually liked each other. Could maybe be friends too. A weird mix of content and guilt that Ryan knew the exact source of. Liam fit so well into their friendship it was almost like he was filling the void Chris’d left in his absence.

  No one could replace Chris, it wasn’t that, but it felt enough like letting him that Ryan had to work hard to shove away the thought. Finals were coming up for all of them, so they didn’t stay too late before Ryan and Josh walked Liam down to the front doors to say goodbye.

  It was almost Christmas break, and the last few months of Saturdays with Liam had been the only thing that kept Ryan going. He actually felt happier, he’d quit drinking himself into oblivion and while it still hurt like hell to think about Chris, he didn’t feel like he was gonna drown in it.

  But Christmas break was coming up and he was gonna have to go home. A couple days later while they were making plans to drive home together after finals, Josh read him like a book. He tried his best to keep Ryan’s chin up about it, could see how much better Ryan was doing, and they both knew that going home was gonna be a huge step back. So Josh suggested that Ryan just stay there over break instead of putting himself through going home.

  Ryan considered it, he really, really did. The thought of being home again, that feeling of being compressed and not able to get enough air that he’d felt every time he visited wasn’t something he wanted to repeat. Only, there was no way he could do that to his mom. He could picture the heartbroken look on her face if he told her he wasn’t going to be coming and he just knew he couldn’t do that to her.

  Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad? Maybe this time it would feel different. At least he could hope it would be. Then again, when had his hopes ever panned out?

  CHAPTER NINE

  August 2002

  Flashes of the night before assaulted Ryan’s senses as soon as he woke up on the hard ground, squashed into a sleeping bag much too small for the two people who occupied it. They’d just barely made it back to the tent and zipped up the flap. Chris’s warm lips on his, a little sticky from the marshmallows they’d roasted. Sweet and heady; too sloppy to be proper kisses half the time. Mostly passes of tongue and lips that felt like so much more than that. Like everything he’d ever wanted, he was giddy with it. Somehow they’d gotten into the sleeping bag together and after awhile the darkness and the alcohol they’d consumed conspired to drag them down into sleep, pressed together, legs tangled.

  Shortly after the memories surfaced, so did Ryan’s hangover. Nausea sickeningly twisted in his stomach and a headache throbbed dully behind his closed eyes. A spike of nervous excitement didn’t really help matters. God, he could barely believe he’d made out with Chris and there was so much that’d gone unsaid. He hoped it wasn’t a one time, drunken thing. Didn’t know if he could handle that. Not after how long he’d waited for this, wanted this.

  Off to his left, opposite to the warm weight against his back, someone was snoring which meant Josh’d made it back to the tent last night at some point too. Great. He groaned as he tried to stretch in the confined space before he realized he could just unzip the sleeping bag. The morning sun was already heating up, and if it was anything like the day before, it’d be way too damn hot before it even got close to noon. He kept his eyes squished tightly closed, like that’d help his head, and fumbled for the zipper by touch. Found it and got it undone.

  Groaned again with relief when it eased the constricted feeling he’d woken up with. Chris’s arm tightened around him, pulled him back down flush against him, and even if Ryan hadn’t felt weak from drinking too much last night, he’d have gone with it willingly. Not even a raging hangover was enough to keep him from enjoying the way Chris wrapped himself around him. Soothed his worries wordlessly with a simple touch.

  “Mmm.” Chris hummed into the nape of Ryan’s neck, breath hot and damp enough that it sent a shiver down Ryan’s spine. “Morning.”

  “Shut up.” Ryan mumbled, tongue clumsy and thick with sleep. “Hungover.”

  Casually Chris’s hand drifted low over Ryan’s belly, possessive and hot and really goddamn close to his dick and it took almost too long for his hormone flooded brain to realize why exactly he really had to protest that. “Josh.” He stilled Chris’s wandering hand with his own, and oh fuck, that was hard to do. “Made it back to the tent.”

  “Aw, come on.” Chris whispered in his ear, “He’s sleeping anyway.”

  “Not anymore.” Josh grumbled and Ryan’s cheeks heated with embarrassment. “No sex in the communal tent. ‘Least not while I’m in it. Apparently that's a thing I have to say to you guys now. Which is new.”

  Chris dropped back onto the pillow with a frustrated groan and Ryan laughed, “Sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize for Chris.” Josh said, amusement in his voice, “He’s always the instigator.”

  Offended, Chris scoffed, “Am not!”

  “Lies.” Josh said simply. “Now go get breakfast or something. Some of us aren’t done sleeping.”

  “Like anyone’s up to making breakfast.” Chris replied as he stretched and sat up. “Pop-tarts that got squished in the bottom of my backpack are probably as good as it's getting this morning. And warm water bottles to wash it down with thanks to someone forgetting the bags of ice.”

  “Hey,” Josh protested, “I didn't forget ice. They only had two bags left. Sacrifices had to be made. Food cooler or drink cooler. You should be glad I decided food was worth warm beer.”

  Ryan wrinkled his nose at the memory of said warm beer. He could practically taste it on the back of his tongue and, oh, there went his stomach, all turned inside out again.

  “Can we not talk about the beer?” He asked faintly, “Please?”

  “Huh,” Josh said, “Should probably get some food and water in him. Advil too. Plus I hear swimming's a good hangover cure, if you can pry him off the ground. Get him to actually open his eyes.”

  “But it hurts.” Ryan whined as he squeezed his eyes shut tighter, “And it's so bright.”

  “Them's the breaks when you drink too much.” Josh told him with much less empathy than Ryan thought he oughta have. “Now go whine somewhere else. I'm still sleeping jerkwad.”

  Chris laughed and wrangled Ryan out of the sleeping bag. Fumbled around a bit, then grabbed Ryan's sleeve and led him, eyes still firmly shut, out of the tent.

  “I hope you appreciate that I'll have to listen to more whining this way.” Chris said over his shoulder before he zipped the tent back up.

  Josh didn't respond and Ryan let himself be dragged along, steadfastly refused to open his eyes and let more light in, because that was definitely not the path to curing his headache. Besides, he trusted Chris to get him safely to wherever he was taking him. Said place, after a short walk across soft grass, turned out to be the picnic tables where he sat Ryan d
own.

  “Sit.” Chris said. “Stay.”

  Rolling your eyes was less effective when they were closed, but not impossible. He crossed his arms and grunted his assent. Listened to the quiet sounds of nature while he waited. His jeans and lightweight zip-up hoodie were loose, sort of worn-in and saggy from having slept in them, but they were soft, so he didn't mind much. Wasn't the least comfortable thing he'd fallen asleep in.

  Not all that long had passed before a warm mug was pressed into his hands, “Instant coffee,” Chris said quietly. “Got a bottle of water for you too and some Advil. But I know your caffeine addiction comes first.”

  Ryan hummed his thanks and Chris sat beside him, close enough that their arms were nearly touching and Ryan felt the warmth of his body just a fraction of an inch away. Seemed like every molecule in his body was hyper-aware of Chris. In comfortable silence, Ryan sipped at his coffee.

  About halfway through, Chris finally spoke up, “Okay, open for Advil.” Ryan obeyed and Chris placed the tablet on his tongue. “Water.” A water bottle was pressed to his lips and Ryan sealed his mouth around it as Chris tipped it up. Took a big swallow to wash down the pill and a few more for good measure before he grunted to indicate he was done. The bottle tilted back down and withdrew.

  Blessed silence lasted until Ryan sipped the last of the coffee in his cup and his headache was slowly improving. His stomach still didn't feel great, but feeling a little better was better than nothing. He blinked his eyes open and the dull stab of pain at the light was worth it for the fond look on Chris’s face.

  “Finally joining the living?” Chris asked.

  “If I have to.” Ryan said grumpily.

  “You do. How's your stomach?”

  “Gross.”

  Chris smirked, “Well, eat a crushed up poptart and then let's go swimming before everyone gets up.”

  From within the backpack Chris must've grabbed before they left the tent, he pulled out a familiar foil packet and opened it before he handed it over. Ryan grimaced, but forced himself to eat it anyway. His stomach protested briefly, but after a few scooped up bites seemed to settle a little.

  “Problems with your plan,” Ryan said between chewing, “A) it's early so the water's like, ice cold. B) Our swimsuits are back in the tent with Josh. And needless to say, he'll be pissed if we wake his ass again.”

  “Pft. Problems.” Chris said smugly, “A) the cold’ll help with your hangover and B) who gives a fuck? We can just swim in our underwear.”

  “Ugh. Fine. If it'll make you stop talking.” Ryan grumbled.

  Annoyingly, Chris gave an exaggerated nod, lips pursed like he was demonstrating just how quiet he could be. This time when Ryan rolled his eyes, they were open for added effect. Regardless of that fact, he willingly went along with Chris's plan and they followed a nearby path to the lake a few minutes walk away.

  Unsurprisingly, no one else was there yet, so they stripped down quickly and Ryan tried not to steal too many glances at the miles of tanned bare skin Chris was revealing, but then, Chris seemed to be doing the same thing to him, which was all kinds of crazy hot. Or would’ve been if he wasn't still fighting to keep his breakfast down. The water was calm and cold when Ryan dipped his foot in. Not unbearably cold, but cool enough that he cringed.

  “Oh, c’mon.” Chris called teasingly, already past his knees in the water. “It's not that bad.”

  “Whatever. Is too.” Ryan replied, but he walked further out, until he caught up to Chris who was now up to his waist.

  He only had enough time to register the mischievous look on Chris’s face before he let himself flop heavily backward into the water and sent a frigid splash over Ryan’s chest. A second later Chris tugged him under the water by one ankle and Ryan gasped in a breath just before his head went under.

  After that it was on. They spent a good fifteen minutes laughing and dunking each other at every opportunity until they finally called a truce, both out of breath and red-cheeked with exertion. Chris smiled at him, bright and sunshine happy. His eyes glittered with the sunlight reflected off of the lake. And Ryan just thought, God, he loved him. This gorgeous boy he knew almost everything about. His stomach flipped in a free fall, eyes caught on Chris’s for a drawn out moment and whatever was in Chris’ eyes made Ryan's heart beat faster in his chest.

  Chris’s lips drew up in a soft uncharacteristically shy smile, “I'm so screwed.”

  “Why's that?”

  “I'm so fucking in love with you.” Chris admitted with a shrug.

  Disbelief and unrestrained euphoria spun out addictively, and Ryan’s brain put together enough brain cells to say, “Love you too. So much.”

  After a quick glance around Chris pulled him in for a quick kiss and Ryan thought his heart was beating so hard it was a miracle it hadn't burst through his chest. This was so much more than he'd hoped for, than he'd ever thought possible and God, he'd take Chris anyway he could get him. No questions asked.

  CHAPTER TEN

  December 2004

  The next two weeks blew past in a blur of classes, studying, way too much coffee and exams that Ryan had a feeling he did well on. For some reason, though, that never seemed to be an indicator of his final grades. Last Saturday Liam’d had to skip out on getting together because he’d been neck deep in studying too. So, Ryan might’ve been looking forward to their plans for this Saturday night a little bit more than usual. Or a lot more. Maybe.

  He'd had a hard time trying to stay focused on his work last weekend instead of wondering what Liam was doing then. If he was exhausted and a bit lonely too.

  On top of that, he’d had to work twice as hard to keep himself from reaching for the bottle of Jack he still had hidden away in his underwear drawer. Between nerves about going home soon, anxiety about how he'd handle it and his own acute fear of breaking down, he was pretty on edge.

  It was the last Saturday before break, and Ryan'd spent the day with Josh because Liam’d had to work. After his shift, he picked Ryan up and something in Liam's warm smile when he climbed into his car unlocked the too-tight feeling in Ryan's chest. Seemed like it’d been forever since he’d seen those dimples flash instead of two weeks. He’d missed him, Ryan realized. Which in itself wasn’t unusual. People missed their friends, except there was something more to it too. Deeper and a little scary but so good.

  “So what’s the plan?” Ryan asked with a smirk, even though he knew well enough by now that Liam wasn’t gonna tell him.

  “Secret, duh.” Liam replied.

  Their first stop was a drive-through where Liam grabbed them each a hot chocolate and then he took them for a drive to look at Christmas lights. Quiet music played as they drove slow through neighborhoods, sipped their drinks and pulled over at the houses that had gone full out.

  “Someday I'm totally gonna do that. When I have a house.” Liam said with a soft little smile.

  “Oh yeah? You a Christmas freak? Go all out for it?” Ryan asked, amused.

  “Sort of. But honestly, I'd totally do the same for any holiday. Halloween especially. Gotta have the creepiest house in the neighborhood for Halloween.” Liam replied, flashed a grin at Ryan.

  “Huh.” Ryan mused, suddenly struck by the fact that he hadn't imagined that far into the future for so long. He used to be such a planner, but nowadays… “I've never really thought about owning a house. Haven't really thought past next semester, most of the time.”

  His voice held a melancholic note to it that Liam picked up on and his heart twinged a little in empathy. Ryan didn't come right out and say it, but Liam picked up on his reasoning all the same; it'd been all he could do to make it through the next day, week, month without Chris, let alone if he'd spared a moment to picture the rest of his life without him.

  “Give it another year.” Liam said sagely with a wry smile. “The closer you get to graduation the more you start thinking about what the heck comes next.”

  After they’d driven through one of the more afflue
nt neighborhoods, full of massive Christmas displays that twinkled in the dark, Liam pulled into the lot of a park with a well lit walking trail. Figured they could use some fresh air and something to distract Ryan from his own mind. It was beautiful, trees along the path all strung up with white lights. They got out to walk and Ryan’s heart beat a little faster in his chest.

  Not long down the path, Liam casually reached out for his hand like it wasn't a big deal, like it was something they always did instead of something that set off a rush of flutters in Ryan's stomach. More surprising was the fact that Ryan let him hold it. That he tangled his fingers up with Liam's and relaxed into the contact between them as if it was second nature. The weight of his hand was comfortable, felt so incredibly good to be able to do that in public.

  Simple and reassuring, but the air felt tense with anticipation. Felt important, moreso with Ryan and Josh leaving in the morning to head home. Like maybe this was a moment he shouldn’t pass up. His feelings for Liam were all jumbled up but in some weird way they were clear too. He liked Liam in a way he hadn’t felt in so long. Wanted him, maybe even needed him. Borderline frightening and too big, but it was there.

  Liam just glanced down at Ryan, didn’t even say anything. Light danced in his multi-colored eyes and Ryan had this sudden, crazy impulse to kiss him. To feel those plush pink lips pressed to his. So he stopped walking and looked up at Liam with wide eyes for a second. His heart pounded out a frantic beat and a harsh breath clouded in front of his face. Guilt, longing, fear, anxiety, desire- out of control emotions tumbled through him one after another.

  And then Liam faced him fully, mouth open as concern drew his brows together. What’s wrong was on the tip of his tongue, when Ryan’s hand cupped the back of his neck as he pushed up onto his toes and pulled Liam down into a kiss that changed everything.

  Cold at first, firm and silky and Ryan’s heart stuttered with how much he wanted this, how much he missed this feeling. He used his teeth to tug Liam’s bottom lip down, and then slid his tongue hotly into his mouth. Brushed against Liam’s tongue and a rush of arousal pooled in his gut when Liam kissed him back.