Breathe Out Slow

by AD Lawless

  The warm weight of Liam’s big hand curled around his felt nice in the cold air. Sent little anticipatory tingles up his arm to settle in his stomach as they made their way down dark empty streets in comfortable quiet. By the time they made it through Ryan’s door it felt like every molecule in Ryan’s body was focused on Liam, the door was barely closed before he reached up and tugged Liam down into a kiss. Something in him was desperate for the feeling of Liam’s lips on his, for mingled breaths and scrapes of teeth that’d leave their marks. He unzipped Liam’s jacket, pushed it off his shoulders as they kissed deep and slow. Got his own off and then pulled his shirt over his head a second later.

  Locked eyes with Liam as he slowly unbuttoned Liam’s shirt, bit his lip at the flushed bare skin he revealed. Nervousness flashed briefly in his stomach and then Liam closed the space between them as he shrugged out of his shirt. Smooth skin and hard muscles pressed all up against him, Ryan melted into Liam. All he could think about was how much he wanted him, how much he wanted to give him everything. Liam dipped his head and sucked hot kisses and bites just shy of painful into the side of Ryan’s neck. Felt so good that Ryan writhed mindlessly against him, ground his rapidly fattening cock up against Liam’s thigh. Friction that cascaded pleasure through him, made Liam groan hotly into his mouth.

  Before he even thought about it, he was guiding Liam back onto his bed. They collapsed gracelessly onto the narrow mattress. Barely enough room for them to fit with Liam sprawled out and Ryan’s knees settled on either side of Liam’s hips. Almost aimlessly, Liam’s hands ran along Ryan’s skin, everywhere he could reach. Left trails of need that blazed in their wake and Ryan bent forward, wanted to taste and touch, didn’t wanna slow down or think, not for a second.

  Any pause and he knew he’d back down and right then he really, really didn’t wanna back down. He was hard and aching, and Liam was too, he could feel him; swollen dick trapped in his pants beneath him. The long line of him like a heady vibrant affirmation of Liam’s arousal. Salty and hot, the taste of Liam’s skin as Ryan sucked and tongued at the spot just under Liam’s ear filled Ryan’s mouth. A low moan stuttered from Liam’s chest that was so damn sexy, Ryan’s cock throbbed in response. Liam’s head dropped back as his hips arched obscenely up into Ryan’s. So hot and then Liam’s hands in his hair tugged him back up into a possessive kiss, stole the breath from his lungs and left him light-headed.

  “God, you’re so hot.” Liam murmured against his lips and Ryan’s cheeks heated. “Feel so good.”

  “Fuck.” Ryan whispered, eyes shut tight as pleasure and heat coiled in his gut, every rock of their hips brought him closer and closer and he didn’t wanna stop. “Don’t- don’t stop.”

  “Won’t.” Liam said, soft and strained. Like it took everything he had to pry his attention away from Ryan’s body in order focus on getting that one word out. “Whatever you want Ryan,” he groaned, “Anything.”

  “Yeah.” Ryan panted near silently.

  God, Ryan was gorgeous above him, Liam thought, almost dizzy with the fact that this was happening. He wanted so badly to reach down and pop the button on Ryan’s jeans, slide them down and get a hand- get his mouth- on him, but he was afraid to shatter the moment. Besides, it was hot as hell that Ryan was getting them off like a couple of teenagers grinding on their parent’s couch. Their sweat slicked chests brushed together and spikes of lust speared him. Pushed him to shove his hips up harder, slide his hands down to Ryan’s ass and really pull him into it. Perfect and hot when Ryan let out this sexy little moan and gave right in.

  Everything felt about ten degrees too hot, and Ryan loved it. Loved the feel of Liam’s huge hands on his ass, loved the way he sped it up. His whole existence narrowed down to the places they were touching, to the sweet ache between his legs and the pleasure that built up in him. So close he could taste the edge of his orgasm right there, just needed something, just needed a little more-

  And then Liam stiffened beneath him, his hips trembled and sticky warmth pulsed between them. Ryan would’ve sworn he could feel the heat of Liam’s climax soaking through his jeans and even if it was just in his head, it was so fucking hot that with just two more thrusts, he came hard. His whole body locked up and he tucked his face into Liam’s neck, groaned his name as he spurted hot into his underwear. High on endorphins and pleasure for long moments before his afterglow melted into reality again and Ryan’s stomach twisted unpleasantly.

  Regret he wished he didn’t feel clawed at his chest even as Liam’s fingers carded soothingly, sweetly through his sweat dampened hair while they caught their breaths. He’d never- until just now he’d never come with someone who wasn’t Chris and even if it’d felt right and good at the time, right now it felt wrong. Like he’d done something awful, like he’d cheated and it didn’t matter one bit that he told himself it wasn’t cheating, it still felt that way. If Chris knew, he’d be upset. He’d be hurt that Ryan had done this with someone else. It was supposed to be just them.

  “Hey,” Liam’s voice finally broke the silence, thick in the aftermath, “What’s going through your head right now?”

  Ryan shivered, didn’t know what to say. Whatever came out of his mouth was gonna hurt Liam, was gonna wreck everything. For a moment he just stayed there and clung to Liam. Ignored the uncomfortable mess in his pants and just breathed in Liam’s scent. Tried to let it bring him out of his thoughts, but he just shook harder. Liam tugged him gently back and shifted until they were both on their sides, eyes locked. He rubbed his thumb over Ryan’s cheek and waited so patiently for Ryan to tell him. His chest hurt, and a knot formed in his throat but Ryan finally had to say something. Couldn’t handle the soft look in Liam’s eyes and the way his guilt just kept on growing.

  “I-” he swallowed hard, “I’ve never done this without Chris and I- I wanted to, don’t get me wrong. I did. I do. I want you so much. But I just, I feel guilty.” Ryan confessed, rushed and miserable, bit his lip and shut his eyes. “This would hurt Chris.”

  Liam’s hand was gentle as it slid down his arm and back up his spine, “You can’t be faithful to someone who’s gone, Ryan.” His voice was full of compassion and sincerity that amplified the ache in Ryan’s chest. “At some point, you have to move on, and if you decide it won’t be with me that’s okay too, I mean, it’d suck, you know? But you deserve to be happy. Anyone who really loved you wouldn’t want you to be alone forever.”

  Fear and panic rose up in Ryan at Liam’s words, mind stuck on it won’t be with me. Was Liam politely trying to let him down? Was he saying he didn’t want Ryan? Not that Ryan could even blame him if that was the case, so many reasons he didn’t deserve Liam and he just kept adding to them. Or what if Liam thought Ryan didn’t want him? That was so far from the truth it was hard for Ryan to even wrap his brain around, but he kept sending out mixed signals.

  “You know it’s not you, right?” Ryan asked weakly. “That none of the fucked up stuff I’m going through is on you?”

  Liam’s lips turned up in a sad half-smile, “You’re not fucked up Ryan. Some of it’s my fault, though. I should’ve known you weren’t ready or should’ve picked up on something being wrong…”

  Adamantly, Ryan shook his head, “There’s no way you could’ve. Nothing was wrong. Don’t- You’ve been so good for me and all I do is mess up your life.”

  And God, that was so true, wasn’t it. From the moment they’d met, Liam’d been cleaning up after him, saving him and Ryan hadn’t done anything to repay it. Not a damn thing. Liam was always too good for him, always.

  “Hey,” Liam pressed his lips firmly to Ryan’s like a kiss could fix this if he tried hard enough and Ryan’s heart tripped painfully in his chest. “Don’t say that. I like you in my life. You didn’t mess anything up.”

  Except that wasn’t true, no matter how much Liam sounded like he believed it or how much Ryan wanted to. Self-preservation and love and concern for Liam tangled up with the guilt in his gut, combined to make somethi
ng messy that hurt. He needed to think, and he couldn’t do that with Liam’s hazel eyes on him, understanding and so beautiful.

  “Maybe I just need some time.” Ryan said softly, hesitantly, words ripped from him like he didn’t wanna say them at all. “I should figure out what I’m doing because I can’t keep hurting you.”

  Slowly, Liam nodded, looked like he wanted to argue, but held himself back, “Oh. Okay, I’ll just. Um, I’ll go.”

  He got up from the bed and got his shirt back on, avoided Ryan’s eyes the whole time he buttoned it back up and pulled his jacket on. Conflicting impulses flashed through Ryan; Stop him and bring him back to bed or let him go and get himself together. Before he could figure out which to give in to, Liam’s hand was on the doorknob, eyes straight ahead, “Uh, is it okay if I- Can I call you? Check on how you’re doing tomorrow?”

  Ryan’s heart clenched at the uncertainty in Liam’s voice, the concern, “Yeah, of course.”

  “Okay, good.” Liam said, though his voice didn’t sound any surer than it had a moment ago. “Guess I’ll talk to you then.”

  “Yeah.” Ryan said, felt inadequate and then with a little nod to himself, Liam opened the door and he was gone.

  Alone now, Ryan felt infinitely worse. Lonely and empty, insignificant, like all the air in the room had been sucked out when Liam left and he couldn’t catch his breath. Mechanically, he got himself off the bed, and peeled himself out of his sticky pants and underwear, perfunctorily cleaned himself up with tissues the best that he could.

  Then he walked over to his closet and took out a pair of soft lounge pants from the organizer, pulled them on and got down an old worn maroon hoodie that he wore sparingly. It’d been Chris’s and though it’d stopped smelling like him a long, long time ago, Ryan still slipped into it when he was at his absolute worst. Too big for him, he shoved the sleeves up to his elbows, and ran his hands through his hair as he spun to take in the room. Self-destructive because he felt like he was losing control of everything again; he wanted so badly to head to the nearest bar or liquor store. Get loaded and forget everything but instead his eyes caught on Chris’s journal. Stunned he blinked at it for a few seconds, heart in his throat, before he picked it up and sat down on the bed with it.

  Skimmed through the pages in search of dates he recognized as important to them; found the entry from the day after Chris first told him that he loved him, read about it in Chris’s own words. Got absorbed in the swell of love he felt from the little details Chris recalled and wrote down on paper. His heart ached, missed him so much. He read forward from there, page after page filled up with him. With how much Chris loved him, their plans. Nearly every entry mentioned Ryan. Like he was the center of Chris’s world in the same way his own had revolved around Chris. Even in entries he wasn’t there for, Chris mentioned things he thought Ryan would’ve liked or said.

  Hours passed as Ryan devoured every word right up until the last and then he went back to the beginning, read about the time before they’d admitted their feelings to each other. Even then, the entries were about them and the good times they’d had together. Memories that made him laugh wetly and smile through the pain, because it was them. Then he got to a page that surprised him; it was from a while before they first kissed.

  This probably isn’t a shock to anyone but me… but… I think I'm in love with Ryan. He just smiles at me or laughs when I make a joke and my heart beats like crazy. I keep staring at his lips, God, they’re so pink and they look so freaking soft and I know I’m gonna get caught one of these times, but I can’t help thinking about how badly I wanna kiss him. Mom would probably lose her mind if she found out what I’m thinking but I don’t care. I mean, I do, but I care more about Ryan. I just- I don't know how he feels about me. He’s my best friend and I don’t even know if he likes guys. What if he doesn’t and I make it weird? Or he hates me? I want to say something but I don't wanna put my crap on him.

  I don’t know how long I can keep this a secret from him though, either. Sometimes he looks at me and I think he just knows. That’s crazy right? There’s no way he knows because I’m too chicken shit to go for it. I need to say something soon.. I just gotta make him understand that it's okay if he doesn't feel the same. The only thing I want, the only thing I'll ever want, is for him to be happy. To have a good life with someone who loves him, whether it's me or not. All that matters to me is that he’s happy. He thinks he’s nothing special, but I know he is. He’s everything to me. He deserves to have someone be everything to him too.

  Tears dripped down Ryan's face, splashed onto the page and left little wet spots, relief like a physical weight that lifted from his shoulders. Liam’s earlier words came back to him, the way he’d basically echoed Chris without knowing it, and he just felt so grateful that two amazing people had loved him. Because that was what Liam’d been saying when he’d told Ryan it was okay if he moved on with someone else, so long as he moved on. He wasn’t saying he didn’t want Ryan anymore, he was saying he loved Ryan enough to let him go if that’s what he needed. And fuck, he couldn’t think of anything he wanted less than Liam letting him go. His heart pounded wildly as everything clicked into place and solidified in his mind.

  Without even thinking about what he was doing, Ryan threw on his shoes, grabbed his keys and phone and called Josh while he ran out the door of his room. He needed a ride to Liam’s, too volatile to drive himself, and right then, could really use his best friend's support. Ryan’s heart was beating a mile a minute when he got to the lobby. Impatiently, he waited for Josh, seconds piled up and added to the nervous energy that thrummed through him. All disheveled and grumpy looking, Josh stepped out of the elevator. Raised a brow at the manic grin on Ryan’s face.

  “Dude, it’s almost four a.m.” Josh complained with a frown. “The fuck is this is all about?”

  Ryan paused a minute, and thought, how the hell was he gonna condense everything down into a phrase simple enough to get Josh moving? His smile widened, “I’m in love with Liam.”

  “Well no fucking duh, asshole.” Josh replied as a smile twitched at the corners of his lips, “But why am I driving you there at ass o’clock to tell him that?”

  “I’ll explain on the way, okay? Just c’mon.”

  “Fine, but you owe me big.” Josh said with a smirk as he finally started to walk toward the parking lot.

  Ryan wouldn’t even dream of saying he didn’t. He owed Josh for so much, and this was just one more thing to add to his tab.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Outside of Liam’s apartment building, Josh dropped him off and wished him luck. Anxious excitement twisted up Ryan’s stomach but he flashed Josh a smile and climbed out of the car. Jogged up the familiar steps to Liam’s building and a guy who happened to be leaving held the door open for him.

  The lobby was empty at this time of the early morning, and he hit the up button on the elevator, waited for a minute and then got impatient. Too keyed-up to wait for the car to get there. He ducked into the stairwell, and ran up the stairs to the the thirteenth floor, figured it would wear off some of the nerves that flooded him. God, he was out of breath when he got there and he should probably start hitting the gym or something. But he was almost there, almost to Liam.

  Four doors down from the stairwell, he stopped and stared at dark brown wood. Took one deep breath in and another to steady himself, then knocked on the door. For a few frantic beats of his heart, he held his breath but there was no answer, no sound of movement. Again he knocked but there was still nothing. He leaned his forehead against the door and closed his eyes for a second, cold disappointment and worry beat him down and he sagged forward. He wasn’t ready to give up yet, though, so he pulled out his phone and called Liam’s cell. Like a rock, his stomach sank when it went straight to voicemail.

  Probably, he oughta go home. Try again tomorrow and the day after until Liam would see him. Only, the problem with that was that he still wasn’t ready to throw in the towel tonight. He d
idn’t know if Liam was asleep inside or hadn’t come home yet, but either way, he wasn’t going anywhere. He sighed and turned around, slid down the door until he was seated, leaned back against it and settled in to wait. Minutes ticked by and stretched out and the lack of sleep slowly caught up to Ryan until his chin dipped to his chest while he drifted half-asleep.

  The next thing he knew something was poking him awake. Sleepily, he blinked his eyes open to see Liam where he stood over him, one eyebrow up in question. The hall light behind his head lit up his chestnut hair reddish, gorgeous, and Ryan’s heart stuttered as he stumbled to his feet. The small confused smile on Liam’s face was enough reassurance to get Ryan talking, for him to pour everything out right there in the hall.

  “You were right; Chris would want me to be happy. He’d want me to be with someone who was right for me, and there’s no one better for me than you. You're always there for me, you make me laugh even when I think I can't. You have the same taste in movies as me, you get along with my best friend, you’re always exactly what I need and God, for some reason you like me. More than all of that, though: I love you, Liam. So much I can barely think around it.” Ryan said, quick and to the point, “I thought earlier you were saying you wanted me to be with someone else because you were looking for an out or that you thought I didn't want you but that’s not- I don’t think that’s what you meant anymore. I think- I hope-”

  Liam couldn’t get in a word edgewise so he finally cut Ryan off the only way he could think of: by kissing him. Laughed ecstatically into it as Ryan eagerly kissed him back, pressed himself right up against Liam and fitted their bodies seamlessly together like he needed to be as physically close to him as it was possible to get. Which sounded damn good to Liam. “God, love you so much.”