Breathe Out Slow

by AD Lawless

  Just after lunch Josh dropped by and Ryan was relieved to be pulled from his thoughts. Josh made his customary greetings, then exclaimed that he was taking Ryan up to his room for an overdue chat. Emma’s sympathetic glance told Ryan all he needed to know. He sighed and let himself be dragged upstairs by his sleeve. Josh didn’t stop until they were both sitting on Ryan’s double bed, side by side, reclined against the headboard.

  “So,” Josh prompted, “Tell me.”

  Tired of having to keep everything bottled up, Ryan told him everything. From the confrontation with Allie to Liam staying, then leaving, all the way up to seeing Chris’s mom the day before and what she’d said.

  “You know,” Josh began when Ryan finished the whole story. “Coulda saved yourself a lot of trouble if you’d just talked to me that night you got wasted.”

  “Probably.” Ryan agreed with a quiet sigh.

  “No, seriously dude. Allie's fucking psycho. I know for a fact that anything she said was bullshit. She always had a thing for Chris, and it went way fucking beyond a harmless crush. Chris didn't wanna worry you, thought it was stupid, but I legit walked into the stairwell one day and she was begging to suck his dick. Like, with tears and shit and he was so uncomfortable. Said no, of course, but she kept reaching for his belt buckle until she realized I was watching goddamn horrified. Then she tried to play it off like a joke, but yeah, like either of us fell for that. Chris thought she'd give up after that.”

  At Ryan's blank, wide-eyed stare, Josh continued, “Chris would never cheat on you. Not ever, and definitely not with her.”

  “But the night he- When I went to find him that night they were kissing! I walked in on it. I saw it.” Ryan protested.

  “Did you?” Josh asked quietly. “Or maybe you saw what Allie wanted you to see. Or maybe she didn't intend for you to know at all, but I'd bet Chris wasn't a willing participant in that kiss.”

  Distressed, Ryan's stomach rolled anxiously. All of the what ifs that flooded his mind at a violent pace just amped up the adrenaline that suddenly flooded his system. His heart rate skyrocketed, his breathing reflected that fact and he knew he was shaking, could feel his muscles trembling from the tension in them. All of it was a mistake. How could he have-

  Why didn't he trust Chris? Everything could be so different right now if he'd just listened to him. God, he was awful. A fucking disaster. Chris would be alive if he'd known any of this.

  “No, no, no.” Josh’s face right in front of his own snapped Ryan's attention back to the room. To the bright blue fervor of Josh’s eyes. “No. You don't get to blame yourself for this. I know you're up in that stupid overactive brain of yours thinking you should've known but you didn't. Chris didn't want you to and that's not your fault.”

  Lips parted, Ryan shook his head. Denial on the tip of his tongue. Cold all over with dread, and self-loathing.

  “Ryan, you can't go down that hole, okay? Because I dunno if you'll come back out and we've been over this, man, I need you.” Josh said pleadingly, “Chris would never blame you. Ever. So you can't- you have to let it go. You can't change what happened, all you can do is keep going. Alright? And you've been doing so good, don't let this backslide you.”

  That. Ryan clung to that like a life-preserver. He couldn't change it. Nothing he did would make it any different than it was and all the self-pity and disgust, none of it would bring Chris back. Feelings weren't rational, and they might still be churning away inside of him, but he could focus on that. Use it as a shield until he didn't need it anymore. Chris loved him. Part of him had never doubted that, even while the rest of him had protested it. Chris loved him and that was the important part to take away from all of this. That Chris was exactly the person Ryan fell in love with. The person he still loved.

  And there was relief in that, a bone-deep feeling of perfect sense, “Chris loved me.”

  “Yeah, he did.” Josh agreed, small nod of his head accompanied his words. “Loved you so much.”

  “I miss him.” Ryan said, raw and a little thick.

  “Me too, man. All the time.” Josh squeezed Ryan's shoulders and smiled faintly. “Hey, why don't we go play Slapjack with Emma. Dork beat me last time and I have a score to settle.”

  Ryan took a steadying breath and made himself smile back. Maybe a game would take his mind off of everything. Avoidance probably wasn't the best coping strategy, but it'd do for now.

  They went downstairs and ended up at the kitchen table with Emma. The delicious smell of turkey in the oven was tempting enough that it made Ryan's stomach rumble hungrily in anticipation, there really was nothing like home cooked food. Wouldn't be ready for a while though, so Ryan threw his concentration into the game. The three of them were competitive, especially Emma and Josh. Ryan held his own, but he wasn't in a grudge match, so he mostly just laughed at the two of them as they violently smacked at each other's hands.

  Once they'd decided to call it a draw after they each won a game, they ended up on the couch where they watched a movie and munched on candy. Basically did their best to ruin their appetites for dinner until Josh finally had to head back to his parents’ place. He left them with a round of goodbye hugs and Merry Christmases.

  Supper was amazing, like it always was. His mom's stuffing was probably the best recipe in existence and his Dad’s sweet potato casserole was totally heart attack inducing but so damn good you didn't even care that it was actively clogging your arteries. Ryan piled his plate up high and ate until he was stuffed. And then somehow found room for dessert when his mom brought in a couple of warm pies; Lemon meringue, Emma's favorite and cherry, Ryan's. He managed to finish a slice of each at the tiny expense of needing to undo the button on his jeans.

  It was pretty awesome, all in all, to spend time relaxing with his family. After the dishes were cleared and the table was wiped down, they even played a boardgame like something out of a made for TV movie. Pretty ordinary but still seemed special. Maybe because he was paying attention to it this year.

  A text from Liam came in the middle of the game and he opened it to see a picture of him with a bow on his forehead, a little girl Ryan assumed was his niece with her arm around his shoulders, big matching grins on both their faces. He couldn't help but smile at the picture and the corresponding text; Miss you. Merry Christmas. He quickly sent back a response and tucked his phone back into his pocket. Didn't miss the soft look on Emma's face when she asked who it was and he told her.

  It wasn't until he called it a night and got back up to his room that the events of the last couple days really caught up with him. A muted sort of wistful sadness that crept slowly over him. His eyes locked on Chris’s journal and he wanted to open it, read everything but those were Chris’s private thoughts. Things he hadn't intended for anyone to read and what if Ryan didn't like what he found? Maybe it was better to leave things, his memories, the way they were rather than risk altering them. Or maybe Chris would’ve wanted him to know.

  That night Ryan fell asleep with Chris’s journal hugged tightly to his chest and absolutely no decision one way or the other on whether he should actually read it.

  Bright and early Boxing Day, Liam knocked on the front door of Ryan's house. His mom opened the door, and Liam returned her happy smile with one of his own.

  “Come on in,” she said quietly as she motioned him inside. “Everyone else is still in bed, the lazybones. You can go on upstairs and get Ryan up, I'm about to put on breakfast. I'm thinking pancakes and bacon. That sound good?”

  “Sure does, ma’am.” He answered with another flash of his grin.

  “Great. Shouldn't take more than, oh, I don't know, twenty minutes or so?” A little smirk tugged at her lips. “That should be plenty of time to get Ryan out of bed.”

  Faintly, Liam's cheeks heated, but he nodded his understanding and she laughed then headed back toward the kitchen. He unlaced his boots and got them off, lined them up with the others on the mat before he shucked his coat and hung it up in the en
tryway closet. Couldn't wait to see Ryan again. Kind of crazy and weird that it'd only been a couple of days and he already missed him so badly.

  Ryan was still fast asleep when Liam quietly opened the door and walked in. Blankets tangled around his waist and face slack in his sleep. He looked peaceful in the blue glow from his sheer curtains, lit up with early sunlight. His grey Henley clung to his biceps and chest in a way that slow rolled warmth through Liam’s stomach. He smiled to himself and crossed the room, stopped at the end of the bed while he considered the best way to wake Ryan up. Dive bombing the bed was his first impulse but he settled for leaning over and shaking Ryan’s shoulder gently. Seemed like there’d be less chance he’d get punched in the face that way.

  Blearily, Ryan blinked, vision fuzzy for a couple seconds before it resolved on Liam’s face. A wide smile spread completely involuntarily across Ryan’s lips, reflected back at him with a flash of dimples.

  “Morning.” Liam said brightly, and Ryan rolled his eyes, glared at the time on the alarm clock.

  He reached out, grabbed Liam’s wrist and scooted back on the bed, dragged him beneath the covers with him much to Liam’s amusement. “Not morning yet.”

  Warm and soft, Liam chuckled as he wrapped his arms around Ryan, let him use his chest like a pillow and pointed out, “Sun’s up.”

  “Your point?” Ryan grumbled sleepily, muffled his yawn into Liam’s soft shirt.

  “Not a thing.” Liam wisely said.

  In agreement, Ryan hummed. Felt warm with contentment and loved the weight of Liam’s arms around him. Would’ve been perfectly happy to laze there all day. At least until Liam’s arm shifted so he could rub easy circles over Ryan’s back. Slow and comforting with just an edge of desire that Ryan couldn’t help but respond to. Heat curled lazily in Ryan’s gut and he leaned up, caught Liam’s lips in a kiss that set it sparking even hotter. Brushed their lips together gently a couple times before he slowly parted Liam’s lips with soft suck to his bottom lip. Slid his tongue slick and hot against the sensitive seam of it, then dipped inside, rubbed the flat of his tongue over Liam’s.

  The low moan Liam let out as Ryan sucked his tongue suggestively spiked little flares of pleasure all along Ryan’s spine and he echoed it with a soft noise of his own, kissed Liam harder. Everything felt hot and intense and so damn good that Ryan was lost in it. In little nips of teeth and slides of hot slick tongues, his hand firm on the side of Liam’s neck, thumbed at the stubble along his jaw, scrape of it like sandpaper under his nail. God, Liam was hot and good at this and fuck.

  Needy with want, Ryan tugged Liam until he was hovering over him, until he kissed him back into the pillows and settled himself between Ryan’s legs. Heavy, perfect, and when Liam finally dipped his hips down, pressed into Ryan’s they both gasped at the contact. Heat and friction between them like something tangible and fuck, he could feel Liam, hard against his thigh. Sent a rush of blood right between Ryan’s legs and he arched up into it, rubbed against Liam like he couldn’t ever get enough.

  Didn’t take long for them to pick up a rhythm and it was insane, how badly Ryan wanted this, how much he loved it. Flushed and sweating and still in his pajamas, Liam fully dressed. His hands slipped slick along Liam’s back, rucked up under his shirt. Not even enough thought to get their clothes off, desperate for it. Liam ground down hard in an obscene little figure eight that felt so good. Too good. Fuck, he was so close already.

  Ryan’s head dropped back on a ragged gasp and his hands flew down to grasp at the sheets as Liam sucked a kiss into the junction between his neck and shoulder, to fist in them as he panted; only one hand brushed over smooth, worn leather and his whole body froze up like ice water had been dumped on him. Guilt smashed through his lust so fast it left him dizzy and he felt his eyes water. Suddenly Liam stopped moving against him, and Ryan realized Liam’s hands were cupping his face, a concerned look in his eyes that’d overtaken the heat in them.

  “Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay.” Liam murmured softly while Ryan blinked wetly, tears held back by the skin of his teeth. “I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry. Shouldn’t ‘ve-”

  Softly, Ryan shook his head, “Not your fault. I-I- it’s me.”

  “Too much?” Liam asked as he rolled over onto his side next to Ryan.

  Torn, Ryan bit his lip, felt weird to bring Chris up in the middle of this, but it was Chris’s journal under his hand that'd brought everything to a screeching halt and he didn't wanna start lying to Liam now. He exhaled roughly and closed his fingers around the journal, lifted it up to show Liam.

  “The day you went home, I ran into Chris’s mom.” Ryan said, explained what she'd said and how she'd given him the journal he was holding. “Just… I guess it hit me a bit when my hand landed on the journal. I've never, um, done this… without Chris. Before there was never anyone else I wanted and- and after, I wasn't in any condition to be with someone. Never thought I'd want to again…. Until you.”

  “Hey, it's okay.” Liam softly assured him. One of his hands came up, cupped Ryan's cheek and the pad of his thumb rubbed smoothly over his cheekbone. “I get it's a lot for you. And it's fine. You're worth waiting for, alright? Slow as you need.”

  Affection spread sticky-warm through Ryan's chest, pushed the chill that'd settled there back, but couldn't quite chase away the lingering guilt he felt. Almost magnified it, because it wasn't fair to Liam that Ryan was fucked up and broken. Wasn't fair that he had to wait for him to get his shit together, and what if he never did? What if he never got over that feeling of betraying Chris? Before he could dwell on it too much his mom called up the stairs to let them know breakfast was ready.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  For a few weeks now they'd been back at school, and every single night Ryan stared at Chris’s journal on his nightstand while his fingers itched to pick it up and read it. Only, his thoughts were still torn on whether or not it was a good idea. He was no closer to a resolution on if he should invade Chris’s privacy to satisfy his curiosity or if that was wrong. Plus there was always the possibility that he might not like what he'd find, regardless of what Chris’s mom seemed to think.

  Somehow it seemed easier, safer, to do nothing. To longingly brush his fingers over the cover, but never take that next step and open it up. Like it was full of unexplored possibility and if he hadn't read it yet there was still some part of Chris he could get to know at an unspecified point in the future. Like a little bit of him was still alive, so long as he didn't know what was in that book.

  On top of that, things with Liam had picked up and they were spending more time together than before. Now instead of just Saturdays, Liam’d been spending whole weekends with him, either at his dorm or at Liam’s place. Which was great; Ryan loved that he was able to get more time with him. Loved falling asleep next to him and waking up wrapped up together. He loved that whenever Liam was around he got so lost in him. But it presented its own problem for Ryan too, this thing they had going on between them.

  He worried over what it said about him that he'd fallen for someone new so fast and hard. What it said about his feelings for Chris. Because it felt the same, and wasn't Chris supposed to have been the love of his life? He hadn’t expected to feel like that again; to have this kind of once in a lifetime, so right it almost hurt connection to someone else. In a lot of ways it felt perfect, but how could it be? You were only supposed to really fall in love once, weren't you? If it was honestly real love. You didn't just go around falling in love with someone else, not if you’d loved the person. And it didn't matter if they were gone, love was supposed to be forever, Ryan thought.

  Most of the time he could push those thoughts out of his mind and just enjoy the time he spent with Liam. It wasn't a hardship; they got along great and it was always fun and easy to be around him. Liam made him laugh, wicked sharp sense of humour that complimented Ryan’s own sarcasm perfectly. So it was easy to pretend mostly, that they were any other normal couple who spent whatever time they could t
ogether between studying and Liam working.

  The only issue between them, though Liam insisted it wasn't an issue, was that they still hadn’t gotten much farther than heavy kissing. Ryan was frustrated with himself despite the fact that Liam’s patience seemed never-ending. More to do with the stuff inside his own head than anything Liam had said or done. Ryan knew he meant it when he'd said he didn't mind taking it slow, but there would eventually be limits, wouldn't there? A time when Liam got fed up and decided Ryan wasn't worth the trouble; Too much baggage not enough reward. Ryan definitely felt that way about himself, so why wouldn’t Liam think it too?

  The worst of Ryan’s doubts came to a head when they went out one Friday night with Josh and some of his buddies. Ryan'd been trying to push himself out of his comfort zone more. Do things he hadn't done in too long and socializing more with Josh was one of those things. They’d spent the evening at a party one of Josh’s friend’s had hosted. Ton of people, loud music and plentiful drinks were the backdrop to a surprisingly tame night for Ryan. He made sure he cut himself off after two drinks, was both surprised and relieved when the craving for more was mild and manageable, but it helped that Liam’d matched his self-imposed cap.

  It also helped that he wasn’t alone and drinking just to numb a pain that couldn’t be anesthetized. Overall, they had a good time, talked and laughed. Even got in a few dances before the crowd wore Ryan down. Too many bodies in a place always had that effect on him, and when he suggested they call it a night, Liam didn’t protest at all. They held hands while they found Josh and said their goodbyes, and then kept their fingers clasped as they walked back to Ryan’s dorms. The party hadn’t been much of a walk from there, so it made sense for them to spend the night in Ryan’s room.