Obnoxious Librarian from Hades

by Dennie Heye

  "What? No way. We in IT own multimedia, they should stick to their wishy washy story telling and playing around in Second Life. Sheesh."

  "For 9k we could completely refurbish the room and then use it to offer a multimedia, cross-platform, fully interactive learning experience - heck, I'll even volunteer to take the lead and set up a program of regular sessions. I am sure that our board would be impressed when IT takes the lead to enhance skills and offer social networking.”

  “Mmmm, are you sure you can do it for 9k? If it’s below 10k, I can put that on the training budget which comes from the learning group – so indirectly they pay for it and we get the credit.”

  Of course I did my homework regarding the costs. I already contacted my buddy in meeting services. He made a good deal with the plasma TV vendor who is eager to get his foot in the door with a multinational like Hades. So for a steal we will get two 52” plasma high-definition TV’s, a professional state of the art projector, a multimedia centre, a surround sound set and two social interactive experience facilitation computers (read: an XboX360 and a Nintendo Wii).

  So pretty soon the library will open the new multimedia room with an exciting line up of sessions:

  Monday: developing leadership skills and overcoming obstacles

  (Illustrated by the showing the complete “Lord of the Rings” trilogy)

  Tuesday: the future of information technology and virtual worlds

  (Illustrated by the showing of the “Matrix” trilogy)

  Wednesday: developments in leading edge computer graphics

  (Illustrated by playing the latest video games)

  Thursday: information management: protecting the assets

  (Illustrated by the showing of “The librarian” and “The librarian II”)

  Friday: the power of improvisation to survive in a changing world

  (Illustrated by showing a series of Roadrunner cartoons)

  The one where I blow off steam

  It is Tuesday afternoon in the library and I am catching up on library gossip on twitter whilst listening to the polka version of Van Halen greatest hits.

  Suddenly my l-user (library user) radar goes of. Sheesh. There is a real flesh and blood customer at the library counter. So you build them a virtual library with online databases, web 2.0 interfaces, step-by-step wizards for every information request possible and they come to the library. What is it with these people? Don't they realize I need peace and solitude for my world domination plans?

  So first I try to ignore him by staring at my computer screen. But it's not my day, the customer still is there and shuffles his feet. I pretend my phone vibrates and act having a dull conversation that could go on a long time. But the customer does not flinch and now starts to scrape his throat and looks at me with growing impatience.

  Well, we better get this over with then. I put down the phone and walk over to the counter.

  ”Hey – next time feel free to send us an e-mail – my time is precious, but since you are here now… “

  “Well, I just wanted to loan this book, so could you do that for me please.”

  “Hmmm. Why?”

  “Why I want to loan this book? I need it for my project.”

  “How do you know whether this is the right book? Did you check all the available books in the world against a set of weighed criteria and now you are SURE this book is THE book with the right information?”

  “Well, no, but judging from the title and the back cover, this seems relevant for my project.”

  “Excuse me mister hot shot – if we all just went around loaning books just because it SEEMS relevant based on the title and the back cover, I may as well loan out ALL books instead of keeping them safe & sound here in the library”

  “But you're a librarian – you should loan out books… ”

  “And that is where you are wrong – I personally hand picked this whole collection of books over the years, carefully catalogued them according to the highest standards, lovingly placed them on the right shelf right next to their book peers, I dust them with tender care every week and make sure the room is exactly the right temperature and humidity. When I loan out a book, you touch it without gloves, make marks in the book, leave it unattended and you crack the spine!

  And let me just check the system – you already have two books on loan. Why do you need a third book? Will you just come in every day and look what might happen to be relevant? I will not put up with careless loaning, mister!”

  (At that time I wish I could create some foam around my mouth for extra effect)“Ok, I am sorry, I didn't know you felt so strongly about this. I'll put the book back on the shelf.”

  “Heck no. A non-schooled librarian is never ever allowed to put a book back. Very likely you would put the book in the wrong place, messing up the whole shelf, the library and subsequently the library universe. But what else can I do for you?”

  “Ehm. Nothing. I just wanted to loan this book.”

  “No extra requests like a complex literature search or professional advice on how to structure a wiki?”

  “No, not really… ”

  “So let me get this straight. You come down to the library *just* to borrow a book? Do you know I have a masters degree in library and information science? I graduated with honors from a top library school and received praise for my thesis 'Investigation of machine performance by information dimension: Types, frequency, and sequencing of errors made during human-machine interaction'. I have created the world's foremost online corporate library presence, combining state of the art taxonomies with breath taking visual search interfaces, built on top of a world class selection of online information sources, including never before seen parts of the deep web and previously unknown gems from our own legacy information, long thought lost for mankind. And all of that within budget and on time, defying the laws of the universe. AND YOU WANT ME TO LOAN YOU A BOOK?”

  And another customer leaves the library, feeling empowered now to use the self-service.

  The one where we define the reorganization rules

  It is Monday morning, 9 AM in the library and I am happy to see that the bit torrent files over the weekend have come in with the complete series of the Australian TV show "The librarians". I have a dedicated data communications linkup to the Internet for regular back ups of the vital records to our offsite storage provider, so I had to stop that. You have got to have priorities in life.

  Just when I walk down the corridor to the nearest coffee machine (or well, a machine that produces a brown, lukewarm liquid almost, but not quite like coffee) a poster catches my eye: "Don't forget - we're leaping ahead to be #1 in the industry!". Oh yeah. I almost forgot, the bi-annual reorganization will start this week - just what I need.

  Like in most other organizations, a reorganization is not so much aimed to improve the organization as it is a ritual, a rite of passage for Hades Corporation. Everybody knows it is a regular experience and it is an important event in our office lives that would be boring without them. Everybody knows his role and we reflect back on previous reorganizations, with moving stories about those who did not survive the '97 Quest for Performance. Staff measures each other’s credibility on the number of reorganizations they have survived.

  Like any important ritual, a reorganization has rules, which must be adhered to:

  1. Every reorganization shall reverse the previous reorganization

  What is decentralized, must be centralized - or vice versa. If we are organized by industries, we will be organized by regions - or vice versa. The more daring organizations organize into multidimensional organizations, defeating anyone to understand whom they report to;

  2. Management will provide only vague updates

  A reorganization will always start with rumors - a best practice is for management to fuel contradicting rumors. After that management will create a communications plan with the intent to use as much words possible without saying anything at all. Perfect examples would be:


  "Considerable progress has been made in engaging key stakeholders on different levels. A proposed roadmap has been developed outlining the way forward. Interface concerns are currently being evaluated and addressed in subcommittees."

  "Management is excited by the enthusiasm of all staff to embrace this change. Several constructive challenges have been brought to the table which will be evaluated."

  Always stress that questions are welcome, but never ever answer them in the required detail;

  3. Never evaluate the previous reorganization

  Whatever promises were made about increases in profit, cost savings or life altering goals - thou shalt never evaluate the previous reorganization. That was done by a previous manager in the past and therefore can be ignored. It is wise to ignore any lessons learned from that reorganization as obviously times have changed so dramatically that they do not apply for this reorganization;

  4. Task force

  Management will set up a task force to do the actual work of the reorganization. Not only does this leave more time for lunch, golf and backroom meetings, it also creates a clear group which can take the blame. The best task force has a number of external consultants, which can be fired easily if the situation requires a clear statement to the organization;

  5. Freeze

  During the reorganization preparation, the transition and "settling in period", there should be a complete freeze on budgets, filling vacancies, new projects and any important decisions. Not only does this save money, it also helps the employees focus on how on earth they will do their jobs instead of worrying about whether they will still have a job in the future;

  6. Deny downsizing

  The only important thing employees worry about is their job. Management should not spoil the surprise too early in the reorganization but keep everyone on his or her toes. Always deny downsizing, but feel free to discuss that rightsizing and right sourcing are under evaluation;

  7. The right person for the right job

  A best practice in many industries is to reduce all positions in any skill pool or team by one and then have all staff apply for the available jobs. A bit like musical chairs. This clearly motivates the employees to apply for the job they have been doing for years and stimulates a healthy competition based on skills, experience and guts.

  The one were we come to the rescue

  It is a quiet Wednesday morning in the library and I am re-arranging all the links on the intranet in alphabetical order whilst tapping my feet in tune with a Led Zep bootleg. All of a sudden the top-secret librarian-in-need phone rings.

  The general audience is not aware that all librarians worldwide are part of a secret underground organization that connects all librarians across continents, ages and different types of libraries. The cover is brilliant: library associations. Nobody suspects library associations, as outsiders already roll their eyes from boredom when they hear the word. Not to mention the websites and conferences library associations use to mislead non-librarians from what is really going on.

  Do non-librarians really think we go to conferences to discuss "Involving senior citizens into public library reading programs: talk loud and slow", "Libraries: pillars of our communities" or "Library 2.0: hip and wild Dewey style"?

  The library associations and their conferences are all part of the worldwide community of librarians discussing the plans for world domination and how to survive the battle with he-who-shall-not-be-mentioned (starts with a G and rhymes with Oogle). Using secret handshakes, covert operations and coded messages (cleverly hidden codes in `book shelving schemes´ and so-called ´MARC records´), librarians live in the public eye but are never under suspicion.

  "This is Dr. Venom speaking. What is the top secret pass-phrase for this week?"

  "Dr. Venom, this is Larry Laffer. The seagulls are flying low over the green grass."

  "Larry, that is a 10-4. What is the emergency?"

  "Our brother Big Al is in trouble. His corporate library is under attack by the evil consultants from McQuinsey. Unless he can prove his value within 48 hours, he will be on the street. I have raised the emergency level to 2 and will initiate immediate retaliation. I request your full participation in this war. Can I count on you? "

  "We're all blood brothers, Big Al and I both swore our oath to Saint Dewey on the Library of Congress Rule Interpretations, first edition in LIS 101. Consider this emergency to be taken care of."

  I put down the phone, shut down the intranet and redirect all library mail to the central spam-reporting mailbox. I don't need distractions now.

  Quickly I pull out my little black book of contacts from behind the dusty old set of English - Esperanto dictionaries. With a few phone calls I put my plan in action. To summarize our covert operation:

  - Big Al's library peers in his industry will put together a fancy industry report with fancy 3D pie charts and many tables proving Big Al is providing the maximum bang for the buck in the industry;

  - The proposal from McQuinsey is totally ripped apart by the library association, questioning every statement, statistic, page number and font size using an overload of counter arguments, citation of documented best practices and statements from library peers;

  - The library association will announce Big Al as the librarian of the year and his organization a 'visionary organization in the industry, scaling content and meta data architecture to shift paradigms';

  - Big Al's manager will be getting phone calls from big publisher "account managers" complaining that Big Al is a ruthless negotiator, squeezing every penny from their deal, leaving them speechless;

  - Every library user in Big Al's organization will be contacted to discuss their involvement. Key users will all send their praise to Big Al and his manager, thanking him for the impeccable service: the right information before they even knew they needed it. And in one case Big Al was able to retrieve a valuable document, thought long lost, that helped the R&D department settle a patent dispute;

  - The McQuinsey consultant team will be spammed by our Polish, Russian and Danish library avengers with their daily, high volume e-mail discussion lists about Z39.50, proposed ISBD rule updates and cataloguing best practices.

  - Accidents can happen when 20 volume reference works fall off the top shelves on unsuspecting consultants or finding Latin insults written with waterproof markers on their cars.

  That should do the trick… if not, we have more tricks up our sleeve of course.

  The one where we offer remote assistance

  It is Friday morning, nearly 11 and I am humming along to some good old Marillion tunes while I am driving a user in a remote location slowly insane with a chat session. For some reason some users don't seem to understand on how to use the basic search, and then bother me by clicking on the "ask a librarian". I mean, don't they have any self-esteem - not understanding the BASIC search? Why bother me with your lack of self-confidence?

  In order to discourage users from bothering me with "ask a librarian" (or better said: to stimulate end user self service) I put in a three-stage challenge-response system where the system shows words in distorted images that the users have to decipher and fill out in a box. To make it more of a challenge, the entry box is programmed to stay one inch from the mouse cursor. That stimulates the hand-eye coordination of users.

  But once in a while a user passes the test and a chat window pops up on my computer. It is key to give the user the idea that they are getting help, but are better off sorting things out themselves in the future.

  So I type very slowly and answer like ELIZA, the well-known computer program that simulates to be a psychoanalyst.

  "I have a problem with finding information."

  "How are you today? What would you like to discuss?"

  "Fine, thanks - I can't seem to find the internal standards for setting up DPERs."

  "I see"

  "Well, can you help me?"

  "Please tell me more about your problem."

  "Like I said, I can't f
ind the standards for DPERs."

  "That sounds interesting. Tell me more about DPERs."

  "You know DPERs, don't you? Those are our company standards."

  "Why do you worry about company standards?"

  "I don't worry about them!! I want to find them!!"

  "What would it mean to you if you find the DPERs?"

  "I need to finish my project asap!"

  "That is quite interesting. Tell me more."

  "I don't have TIME to tell you about my project. I need the DPERs FAST!!"

  "You seem agitated. Why is that?"

  "You are not helping me! Can you help me find the standards or not??"

  "Why do you think I am not helping you?"

  "You don't answer my questions. For one last time: where are the DPERS??!!"

  "You seem obsessed with DPERs. I will transfer this chat session to the company psychologist for further discussion."

  And off they go. It sometimes breaks my heart to see how hard working colleagues buckle under the pressure. But of course I am always there to steer them towards professional help.

  The one where we use smoke and mirrors

  It is Tuesday afternoon in the library around 4 PM and I'm listening to some old Steely Dan albums whilst messing up the new expense claim system. In the past I would get a monthly budget for document delivery based on the average of the past year's data. This saved me from a lot of hassle, which of course goes against the grain of our detail-obsessed, spreadsheet-hugging, bureaucratic finance staff. So they figured out that if they cannot force me to take a salary cut, they can at least lower my job satisfaction.

  So now every tiny expense has to be filed separately in the expense claim system. This system was built by a software engineer who hates people and life in general. It defies any Windows menu logic, has no help screens and uses different icons for the same purpose. So on one page you have to click a green block to confirm, on another screen you should use the little disc icon or a green flag. Well, it keeps you concentrated.