Obnoxious Librarian from Hades
Page 6
The one thing that drives me absolutely nuts is that the expense claim system does not give any feedback. When you click on a menu item, there is not hourglass indicating you have to wait. No, the screen freezes and you don't know what is happening. So you click again. Wrong. Now you have to wait twice as long.
I have demonstrated that it takes me twice as long to use the system compared to the actual work of ordering a document. But I am obliged to use the system. Which means war. So I have developed a script that splits all my invoices into 10-cent claims and then feeds them into the expense management system automatically. So right now I’m feeding the system an average of 155 invoices per minute. Funny - the expense management system goes down after 5 minutes.
Just when I lean back in my chair to enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done, my boss knocks on my door.
"Well, ehm, could I perhaps ask for a favor?"
I sigh.
"Remember I had to demonstrate the records management system to the top leadership team six months ago?"
"Yes, you told me they all loved it and assigned you a bonus."
"Well, I may have overstated the features of the system slightly."
"Like how?"
"The Chief Diversity Officer was critical about the ease of use and said he would only use it if he could have his records filed automatically by e-mailing them to the system. I know that is not possible, but I may have given the impression that it would be possible in 6 months… ."
I fold my arms and smirk: "then you've got a problem."
"Yes, yes, I know, because the top leadership is meeting again next Friday and in the meeting notes I have an action to demonstrate this feature. So… perhaps you could mock it up?"
"Let me get this straight. Six months ago you took all the credit for MY work, plus you made a promise that you cannot keep. Then you waited almost six months before dropping it in my lap?"
"That is a wrong way of looking at this. I would like to see this as an opportunity to work out a mock up of how perhaps one day this feature might work… "
"So, you want to me to create a fake feature, so you can pretend that it works as a beta but needs some work… . and then hope they forget about it before the next meeting?"
"Can you do that?"
"I could. But that would mean re-prioritizing all my other work, and I really need to reshelf all the reference works and alphabetize the links on our intranet. But you may of course try to influence my priorities… ."
"Ok, ok, I must convince the top managers - name your price, as long as it is somehow business related so I can approve it!"
It took me a few days of screen capturing, Photoshopping, smoke and mirrors to create project "fake duck" - hey, it talks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, so it must be a duck. On screen it looks like an e-mail is automatically screened for security classification, keywords and retention period. Then in a cloud of magic glitter, the record is correctly filed into the system.
So now my boss can save his face and put up a great dog and pony show, while I can enjoy my unlimited subscription to the audio book site - so if you'll excuse me, I have 117 hours of nonstop Harry Potter to listen to.
The one where we help to select an application
It is Monday morning, 9.05am in the library and I am doing some ego surfing on the web whilst head banging to the muzak version of Metallica. Just the perfect way to start the week, were it not for the meeting at 10am.
The powers that be have decided that Hades Corp should form a strategic vision for information management using long term horizon scanning and out-of-the-box scenario thinking. This roughly translates into a frenzy amongst mid-level managers who sees this as an opportunity to get attention from senior management by pretending to have a clue where we should be heading without a lot of real work involved. This as opposed to the general management motto of "we will deal with the issues on a forward going basis". If this were not enough waste of time, they now have asked vendor X to which we sold our soul by standardizing on most of their overpriced, bug-riddled and bloated software to share their views on what Hades Corp should look for in information management.
Well, let me guess… whatever we should look for is exactly what vendor X has on their development schedule. Vendor X has Hades Corp almost completely in their claws, except for the records management and library system. Oh, they tried to sell us their "solutions". Not that they have anything that even resembles a library system. Or a records management system that I would wish upon my worst enemy. But hey, their sales staff schmoozed the top IT managers, the right gold cuff links where offered and Hollywood award winning PowerPoint presentations did the trick. I had to do a proof of concept with their software and compare it to our current not-so-state-of-the-art-but-working-just-fine-thank-you applications.
So I checked their specifications with our user requirements, which miserably failed. Their products could do the basics but did a lot we don't need.
Management told me that specs aren't always what they seem and users never know what they want, so let's do a pilot to really get a final verdict - vendor X is paying for all the costs. So they flew in their top consultants and their best engineers to pull this off.
They had a week to create an acceptable pilot setup with competing goals: I wanted to prove my point that we should stick to what we have; vendor X desperately wanted to prove their applications were the best thing since sliced bread.
All week I wore the polo shirt with the logo from our current vendor and I provided the vendor X staff with a copy of the current setup. Of course I made it a bit more challenging by corrupting certain indexing and "forgetting" about certain system passwords. Unfortunately I was in off site meetings every afternoon where my cell phone did not work. But hey, life should not be too easy for the ambitious vendors…
On Friday afternoon they proudly showed their setup to a group of managers. Since our Hades managers have no clue what our library and records management systems do, they were simply amazed by all the shiny buttons, creative use of fonts and stylish logos. They admitted not to have a 100% match with all the user requirements, but management stated that our end users would certainly be willing to give us certain key requirements in exchange for nice shiny buttons and customizable font type (which is of course a very critical feature).
After the presentation, all eyes were on me for the final verdict. Would I give the thumbs up or down?
"Mmmmm… your presentation is… . interesting."
"Thank you, we look forward to working closely with you to set up an extended proof of concept."
"But… there is just one small thing that is very essential and a must have requirement… are your applications compatible with hardware to print punch cards?"
"No, of course not - you must be joking! We noticed you put that in the requirements, but we realized that this is a joke!"
"Well, as you should know - Hades Corporation has a very important government contract with the republic of Elbonia. And as records management experts, you will surely know that Elbonia requires all their business records to be delivered in punch cards.
We must be compliant with these government rules, so I am afraid I cannot vote for your systems."
"But… but… "
"Sorry, I wish I could continue our discussion, but my phone just vibrated and I must leave now to check on our MARC Z39.50 filter."
The one where we become a status symbol
It is Friday evening, 10 PM and I am back in the library where I haven't been for a week. I have put "Mess of blues" of the late Jeff Healey on the sound system and walk around the library, happy to be back between the books, bound journals and humming servers. It has been a roller coaster week… .
Exactly a week ago I was ready to leave for a long weekend when the phone rang. The extension that showed up was "CEO office", which seemed strange to me. Being at the bottom end of the food chain, I was rarely called by the powers that be in the plush offices.
Curiously, I picked up the phone.
"Yeah, library here - make it quick - I need to be home on time to watch the documentary about the unknown, yet crucial role of the Dewey classification in the underground secret information sharing during WWII."
"Mr. Librarian. This is Gil R. Moralious speaking, I am chairing the committee to select a new CEO for Hades Corp, as you may know."
"Gil, that's great - you are considering me for the job, I assume?"
"No, Mr. Librarian. Unfortunately that is not the case. I am however calling you regarding a promotion which I am sure you would be interested in. I just looked at your career so far in Hades Corp, and found out that in all your years with our exciting company you have always worked in the same role, in the
same low level job group."
"Well, Gil, this "exciting" company really does not have a career path for librarians - but of course I am more motivated by challenging projects, stimulating intellectual peer groups and the utter fulfillment of working for Hades."
"Then you are the right person for the new job that just opened today, which will offer a unique career perspective in a challenging top level environment where you will constantly encounter paradigm shifts. You will be the strategic information enabler, facilitating top executive knowledge interchanges."
"Ok, Gil, let's cut the crap - what is this all about?"
"Mr. Librarian, we have identified the ideal candidate for the future of Hades. In utmost confidence I am revealing to you that we are about to appoint Prof. Dr. Joyce Fedizko MBA BWG III Jr as our new CEO. As you will know, Mrs. Fedizko is one of the world's leading CEOs who has single-handedly revolutionized the coffee sweetener, paper clip and stuffed animal industry. We are convinced she will bring Hades Corp back into the top quartile market position. However, she is a tough negotiator. We have already tripled her current salary, offered her a custom designed Lamborghini and exclusive use of the company Learjet. Yet, she wants more. She wants to become the world's most exclusive CEO and is now asking for the next CEO status symbol: a personal librarian."
"Huh?"
"Yes, apparently Mrs. Fedizko was bragging about our offer to her CEO peers earlier this week on the golf course. Bill Gates was not impressed, as he revealed to her that he has a personal librarian. She now considers this the prime fringe benefit. So we looked in our files, and as you are the only librarian in Hades, we would like you to become the CPL - Chief Personal Librarian."
Of course, there was a catch. I would assume the new position immediately, but the talent enabling department (formerly know as HR) could not for some reason put me in a higher pay grade. That would however be solved with the right number of forms, signatures and secret handshakes.
So on Monday morning I started my new career as CPL. After my acceptance, Mrs. Fedizko had accepted Hades' offer and sent her instructions to the interior design department. They worked all weekend with my guidance to remodel two existing meeting rooms on the top floor into a smaller copy of the old British Library circa 1904. So think antique book shelves, leather chairs, golden railings and copies of Da Vinci drawings.
I was given an obscene book budget to acquire first editions, rare and signed editions of books. Also, Mrs. Fedizko had her personal collection shipped to me, existing of signed biographies from every important head of state, business hot shot and celebrity she ever met.
It was like a dream come true, this superb collection and only ONE potential customer. Who would travel all over the world and hardly be around to disturb the tranquil silence in the library.
The other great part about the job description was being present during selected strategic meetings, feeding Mrs. Fedizko with vital information. I would sit next to her in the top level suite with my laptop. Whenever someone else started talking, I would quickly pull up relevant information via the information sources available at my fingertips. With a distinguished thumbs down I could indicate to Mrs. Fedizko that her opponent was lying, or I could whisper strategic information in her ear when she was contemplating an answer.
Yes, it was a great week. Unfortunately Mrs. Fedizko quit already on Thursday. Apparently the company Learjet had been painted in the wrong shade of pink, her Lamborghini's ashtrays were full and her personal aura reader convinced her that Hades Corp board members had a horrible influence on her chakras.
But I am happy to be back where I belong. And since most of the CEO book budget was already spent, that superb collection is now all for me to enjoy…
The one where we team up with the lawyer
It is nearly 4 PM in the library on a cloudy Tuesday and the legendary "Journey - Live in Houston 1981" concert in the superb 5.1 surround sound mix is blasting through the library. Yeah, "Who's crying now"… . or should I say "Keep on runnin'" regarding the situation that I had to deal with earlier today…
It all started last week when the phone rang, with "private number" in the caller id display. Which in itself is not a good sign. Sometimes it is a user who wants to stay anonymous. Usually they will call because they want something that they should be perfectly capable of achieving themselves. And if they cannot achieve it themselves, they should not want it in the first place. Some may say I am not user focused, I say I am managing demand.
And if it's not a user whining about something or the other, it is someone from outside our company who distracts me from my mission to dominate the world. So I picked up the phone and immediately disconnected the call. Usually that gives a clear signal to the calling party that yes, I am here, but no, I don't want to talk to you. But the phone rang again within 30 seconds. Geez. Now I've completely lost my train of thought of my movie script to turn my unauthorized biography of Melvil Dewey into a miniseries ("The Melvil Dewey story - the drama, the suspense and the classification scheme").
"Yeah. Library here. Waddaya want?"
"Is this the Hades Corporate Library?"
"Perhaps. Who are you?"
"My name is Randy Goodrem, vice senior sales account executive for Business Executive World News. I assume you are familiar with our valuable, world famous, must-have industry news source?"
"I think I did a trial a while ago… but then you guys send me a proposal that was completely insane. So no, we're still not interested. Bye."
"Hang on, that is not the reason why I am calling. I wanted to ask you where to send the invoice for the trial."
"Excuse me - the invoice for the trial? You guys told me it was a free two week trial!"
"Aah, well. The trial is indeed free up to 15 downloads. After that we charge you, which is clearly stated in our terms of use at the bottom of the front page in the tiny, almost grey font on the white background. Just below the huge blinking banner. It's only visible on your first visit, but basically by using the site you acknowledge to our terms and conditions."
"You're kidding me!"
"No sir, either you pay us $15.000 for the trial or you sign up for an annual, global subscription in which case we deduct that amount from your subscription fee."
"Randy, listen - you don't think I even WANT to do business with you guys now?"
"Well, I must say that most of your peers immediately saw the win-win situation and have now signed up to our platinum corporate subscription. So I assume you are at least as clever as them. Otherwise I see no other way than to sue you."
(smoke coming out of my ears)
"Sue me? I'm gonna sue you! Do you know who you are dealing with???"
"Take it easy, mister librarian. Let me come over to your offices next week to come to an agreement. I am sure we can work out a deal where you sign a lousy contract, which results in a huge bonus for me and you then have access to our superb, must-have industry news website."
So we arranged for a meeting in our offices. Mr. Randy Goodrem clearly did not know that nobody messes with the obnoxious librarian. Because the obnoxious librarian plays golf with the ferocious lawyer. Peter Burkman Jr. III is one of the top lawyers at Hades, defending us in all the unjustif
ied lawsuits. Burkman Jr. III (I can call him "the Burkmeister") then flies with the corporate jet to the other side of the world to defend our company and then counter sue the poor bastards. We quickly found out that my power over information and his legal master brain made a great combination. Many times I have been able to supply him with some smoking gun documents to win a case, so I can now ask for a favor.
I call the Burkmeister on his cell phone and find out he is currently defending us in a 2 gazillion lawsuit in Australia. When I explain my case to him he laughs out loud: "Oh great, this is gonna be fun… some sales schmuck trying to rip us off and not knowing whom he is dealing with. I will get my secretary to reschedule my calendar and I'll bring this sales weasel to his knees."
So this morning the Burkmeister was sitting in our fanciest meeting room, with his back to the window. Opposite of him we put the most uncomfortable chair we could find for mr. Goodrem, which was at the lowest level possible. So mr. Goodrem would not only have to squint his eyes against the sun behind the Burkmeister, but he would also have to look up to him.
When mr. Goodrem arrived, we let him wait for 40 minutes at reception while we were swapping lawyer jokes. I then went to pick up Mr. Goodrem and brought him to the meeting room. The Burkmeister was talking on the phone and did not acknowledge us. Mr. Goodrem walked up to him and held out his hand - ready to shake the Burkmeister's hand. But he waved dismissively to mr. Goodrem and continued his phone call. After 5 minutes, the Burkmeister put down his phone and looked mr. Goodrem straight in the eye with a sigh:
"Well. I had expected a more worthy opponent. But ok - you're here. I am a very busy man and I need to be out of here in 10 minutes. I understand you are wrongly accusing our corporate librarian. Why?"