Equinox (Augarten Book 1)

by Charlie Godwyne

  "Not really," I said softly. Nothing to go on.

  "Fair enough. So you said you meditate. Any feelings that pop up, like intuition, or instinct?"

  "Sure, but they're mixed in with my imagination running wild and cooking up a story of who I was before."

  "…and that is?"

  As we strolled the gravel path, I held my arms out in front of me, as if beckoning a dance partner. "I know I had someone, because when I'm asleep, I feel a warmth as if I am holding them. The problem becomes figuring out why that person is not searching for me."

  "Hm…but German is not your native language, although you are very fluent, right? That someone may not know where to search for you."

  Solomon had considered that possibility and had asked the police to submit my information to the EU-wide database for missing persons. But as of yet, nothing had come back.

  "The police would have already had my face on file, even if my partner submitted a photograph of me from another country. With facial recognition software, apparently finding me could take just a few seconds."

  Florian glared at the ground as we walked, his hands clasped behind his back. "That's terrifying. So, you have a theory?"

  I resisted the urge to sigh in frustration. I did have a theory, but I didn't like it. Despair and a deep loneliness fueled my anxiety about these things, but Florian might have an idea of ways to think about this, so I pushed myself to voice my fears. "I could be on some kind of non-disclosure watch list. My partner wouldn't look for me if something had gone wrong."

  Florian's expression was disconcerting. "But if you committed domestic violence, you would be in prison, amnesia or no. What if this amnesia is your protection? Maybe someone is trying to protect you."

  That had not occurred to me. The revelation prompted me to notice an internal bias. I felt so huge compared to those with whom I interacted on a daily basis: the stout, short women who worked and volunteered at Augarten, namely Andrea, Maria, and Mrs. Buchinger. I was so much taller, and though much skinnier, I probably still outweighed them. Either way, I could take them easily in a hypothetical brawl. But with complicated issues like domestic violence, body size did not necessarily become the deciding factor.

  "I don't think so. When I feel that person, I am filled with love."

  "You could love your abuser."

  "That's terrible."

  "But it's true. I'm sorry to suggest it."

  We fell silent as we came upon a father with a carriage designed to fit twins. One of the toddlers had hold of the father's leg, while the other had wandered out of reach farther into the grass. Just as an older jogger approached, the adventurous toddler lost her balance and tumbled backwards, her little legs flying up comically, like she'd slid off the back of a ball. The jogger stopped, plucked the girl up and set her on her feet, then continued on his way with a nod and wave to the father. The little girl was so bewildered by this turn of events, she didn't even think to cry.

  "You said 'partner' earlier," Florian remarked once we put some distance between us and the toddlers. "So that's something you know about yourself. You commit."

  "And what about you?" I countered. "Got a wife, kids, and a dog at home?"

  Florian smiled bashfully and scratched the back of his head. He looked so cute when shy. "Can't say that I do. We play for the same team."

  I was very glad to hear that.

  "You said you feel someone upon waking, like a physical sense memory?"

  I nodded. "Every time I'm falling asleep, then again when I wake. If I'm on my back, then his head is on my chest, and if I'm on my side, then I am the outer spoon."

  Florian's wistful smile arrested me. "That sounds nice."

  "I could show you," I offered softly.

  He blinked up at me. "What do you mean?"

  I pulled over to the side of the path, under the awning of a large, old tree. Then I spread my arms wide, the invitation clear.

  Florian gaped at me, like I had grown a second head. Then he scoffed. "Are you suggesting we hug?"

  "Yes," I said sincerely. "Only if you want to, of course."

  No one had hugged me since I'd woken up at Augarten. I had to admit—I was starved for physical touch that did not consist of a nurse drawing blood for more tests. That warmth every morning left me aching so badly it brought tears to my eyes. Solomon touched my hands or my head during our prayers, and that itself felt like manna from heaven. But I couldn't ask him for more; such a gentle soul would give in to my request even if he didn't want to. I was already enough of a charity case to Solomon, and I didn't want him to pity me.

  "Whomever you're holding…you must miss him," Florian's voice held barely suppressed emotion. "I'm sure he misses you as well."

  "Yeah." So long as I got my memories back and could actually return to him.

  He stepped closer, a little self-conscious. "You can imagine that I am him, if you want. It's okay…"

  I knew he was just rationalizing, but that statement hurt. Yet I couldn't explain it clearly. I was attracted to Florian, but if I really did have a husband waiting for me at home, then I didn't want to be unfaithful. "You are a good man, Florian. Even if I got my memories back and things changed, anything I shared with you would not become a regret."

  That seemed to do it, for his smile shone as warm as the late afternoon sunshine through the trees. Florian stepped into my space, and I gently pulled him close. He tensed up and it felt like I was hugging a rock. Yet somehow, I knew the long game and settled in, letting him get used to me. He wrapped his arms around my lower back, grabbing opposite elbows to lock me in. Florian leaned in and I pressed him softly against my chest. On instinct, I brought my hand up to support the base of his skull and the upper part of his neck. Florian let out a gasp, a shudder running through him.

  "It's all right." I did not know why I said it.

  I rested my cheek on top of his head and closed my eyes. We could be anyone: just a gay couple having a moment, hugging it out in a public space where individuals and families go to enjoy nature. A family unit of two. The weight of Florian leaning against me confirmed my instinct: I knew what this felt like. I had held someone, back before I lost my memories. I had held him and told him everything would be all right.

  We stayed that way a long moment. People passed by, ignoring us. I breathed slow, deep breaths, and for the first time since I could remember, I felt put-together, in control of my own destiny. Capable and strong. It was several minutes before Florian tentatively stepped back, and I reluctantly let him go.

  I gestured to a park bench. "Want to sit down?"

  Florian plunked down and I sat next to him. He leaned over, bumping shoulders with me. This wasn't a hugging position at all. Without thinking about it, I scooped him up and relocated him to my lap. Florian squeaked and grabbed my shoulders. He panted in my airspace while my pulse fluttered like a bird. But there was something in his eyes that threw me, a fear and vulnerability that did not match what had just happened. "Is this okay?"

  Florian trembled like a shaky leaf in the wind, as if he were about to break. "Only if you kiss me, Gabriel. Right now."

  That was all the prompting I needed. I cupped the back of his neck, gently pulled him in, and kissed him. Florian's lips were soft, searching. His breath tasted like mint toothpaste, his tender lips waxy from lip balm. He released my shoulders to grab the park bench on either side of me, effectively pinning me in place. He pushed me down and I yielded to his demands, still holding him as if he might break even as he ravaged me in return. My heart hammered in my chest and I all-too-late realized my mistake in lifting him to my lap. If my arousal became any more pronounced, Florian would notice.

  He broke the kiss too early and pressed his forehead to mine. "We shouldn't make out in public."

  "I see straight people kissing all the time."

  "That's true."

  I massaged the back of his neck, hoping the pressure would bring him to kiss me again. "That was wonderful. Can we do it aga
in?"

  "What about the other man, the one you're dreaming of holding right before you wake up?"

  I hesitated. "What about you? Do you have someone? I assumed you were single."

  Florian squeezed his eyes shut and tensed up. "Don't worry. I'm single. I had someone, but that was a long time ago."

  That somehow made it worse.

  Florian moved to rest his cheek to my cheek, no longer pinning me to the park bench with such force. We both took the chance to calm down without being face to face. Yet my heart rate and breathing only calmed slightly, because now that I'd had a taste, I wanted so much more. "Can we have something between us?"

  "Something?" he asked.

  I just went for it. I had nothing to lose. "Yes. Can we be together?"

  Florian stilled. "We can't do this here—my business is close enough, there could be customers nearby. I forgot myself."

  I didn't want to apologize, so I simply nodded and waited for him to answer me.

  Florian glanced to the side, heat rising up his neck to his cheeks. "My offer from earlier still stands, if you'd like to come over."

  My heart leapt in my chest. This really wasn't just dinner, right? "Is this invitation what I think it is?"

  He met my eyes then in challenge. "It is."

  We stood and I held my hand out to him. "Let's go."

  All of a sudden, a strong gale of wind barreled down the path, whipping up gravel and slinging dirt at passersby. People shrieked and cowered as dust hit their eyes and stung their skin. Before I could make a conscious decision, I stepped in front of Florian and crowded him against a tree, shielding him from the wind with my back and superior height. Florian for his part took it in stride, pressing one hand against my chest and the other gripping my hip. He kept an eye out just over my shoulder, assessing the situation for the both of us, since I'd chosen to blindly protect him.

  "I think it's done. Let's get further into the trees."

  I backed off, but when I stepped away, Florian snagged my hand and laced his fingers in mine. Startled, I looked over to him, and a message passed between us. He smirked, and I grinned back. We continued through the garden, linked together and not letting go.

  As we walked over to Florian's place, I pondered my angel's words. I may not have access to my family from before—I may not have even had a family before, if that made sense—but that did not keep me from forging connections with people now. That did not keep me from building a family now, whatever form that might take. I had only to do as best as I could manage.

  Like most buildings in the second district, the one that housed the Schöner Himmel and Florian's apartment above it was an older Haus. Florian flicked a red button shining in the darkness. Dim lighting illuminated the ground floor, which consisted of a narrow, tiled hallway that led to an inner courtyard, around which four such Hauses ringed the block. The courtyard had rolling dumpsters in it for trash and cardboard recycling. My guess was that, like at Augarten, the residents had to carry their plastic and glass recycling down the street to a community conglomeration of such dumpsters. A row of mailboxes, then a small door that probably led down to a dingy, mud-floored basement wherein residents could store additional belongings if they so dared. A chaotic pile of kids' scooters and bicycles flanked the entrance to the courtyard.

  We took the stairs two at a time. He unlocked the door and opened it. "Come in."

  "Thanks." I stepped inside and slipped my shoes off. Florian took my jacket and hung it next to his on a hook above the shoe rack, then found the lights. His place lit with warm incandescent bulbs. Florian wore a long-sleeved thin shirt, dark blue, with a V-neck that tempted me to kiss his exposed collarbone. Skinny khakis hugged his hips, but I'd noticed those first thing. Not exactly appropriate attire for lounging around at home, but I wasn't about to complain.

  Florian swept an arm out. "Would you like a tour?"

  "Yes."

  He gestured to a small tiled kitchen. "I like having the door, so I can seal off the smells when I'm cooking. The window there opens out to an air chamber that connects all the kitchens on this side of the building. It's convenient because I can open the shop kitchen window downstairs before I lock up, and if something were ever amiss, I would smell it upstairs, though of course I have fire alarms installed. Another upside is that I can get a wind current going through in the summer, since I don't have air conditioning. The downside is that if the current reverses, suddenly my apartment is filled with smells of my neighbor's dinner."

  "Food envy."

  He chuckled. "Sometimes."

  Florian pointed directly across from the kitchen to another door. "There's the commode. The toilet and the kitchen used to be for all the apartments on this floor, as was customary in high-density units way back when. The outer wall of the apartment used to be here." He swung his arms across. "To the bathtub unit over there. Six apartments shared the same kitchen, toilet, and bath. This unit itself used be two apartments, see the doors?" He pointed to small archways that had been filled in. One of them housed shelving in the bathroom, the other some lighting and a bookshelf in what looked to be the living room.

  "You're telling me the living room was a studio apartment, and your bedroom was another studio?"

  "Yes."

  Wow. "And both apartments probably housed large families? No wonder people spent all their time at coffee shops." Even taking their mail there. I had read that some of Europe's most influential thinkers had spent time in Vienna, discussing topics of modern science and philosophy, of war and revolution with likeminded intellectuals in the crowded Kaffee Haus, not unlike the Schöner Himmel.

  "Probably," Florian conceded, then touched eyes with me, his expression somber. "There was a land grab after the war, as I'm sure you know. Especially in the second district."

  I scanned his expression, trying to figure out what Florian didn't want to say aloud. Then it came to me: this was the Jewish district, and many, many families had been taken from their homes and did not return. I looked around the space, wondering who had lived here for generations before the apartments were simply seized and put up for sale.

  "How did your family get the unit?"

  "My paternal grandfather was a stable boy in Vienna. His parents were subsistence farmers in lower Austria. They saw their neighbors getting kicked off their farms by rich landowners, and my great-grandfather got the jump on it, sold the land and moved. Eventually, my grandfather was able to buy this shop and the unit above it. He worked every day of his life, even bought a small patch of land on the outskirts of town. He didn't believe the economic good times would last for long, and he was scared to be without the ability to grow his own food. Now my dad has a huge house on it. It amazes me how thoroughly a son can misunderstand his father."

  "And your maternal grandparents?"

  Florian rubbed the back of his neck, then crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned against the doorframe. "…my mother suspects they were Jews, since her blood tests came back Ashkenazi. In 1945, she was left as an infant in front of Saint Stephan's Cathedral, got processed into a Catholic orphanage and raised by nuns. Mother had me when she was forty, in 1985. No one ever came for her, so she thinks that her parents had no choice but to abandon her for her own safety."

  I put a hand on his arm. "Florian…"

  He arched his back and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "But enough about that. Kiss me."

  I pressed into him and touched my lips softly to his. Florian sighed and pressed the tip of his tongue into my mouth. I groaned, aching for him. Now that he was here with me, the distance between us, no matter how slim, was too painful to bear.

  Florian broke the kiss and panted, looking up at me with eager eyes. "Do you need dinner first?"

  I scooped him up and carried him to the bed.

  We both stripped our clothes off in record time, leaving just our briefs. Florian lay back on his pillows, chest flushing and stomach heaving. "Gabriel, you're so skinny. I need to feed yo
u more."

  I scoffed and crawled onto the bed to straddle him. I carded my fingers through his dark brown chest hair, pleasure racing through me, such a thrill that I was finally getting to touch him, something I'd wanted since I first laid my eyes on him. Florian pulled me down for a kiss, his tongue delving into my mouth.

  I whimpered and only just had the wherewithal to brush my thumbs lightly over his nipples. Florian gasped and deepened the kiss, driving me crazy. I couldn't believe how erotic having him underneath me felt.

  Pressing him against the bed, I leaned down, connecting us hip to hip. Florian groaned against my mouth.

  He turned his head, and I kissed down the side of his neck. I crawled between his legs. "Let me blow you."

  Florian's eyes flew wide. "Oh, fuck."

  I smirked. "Should I take that as a yes?"

  He nodded hurriedly. "Yes, do it."

  Florian's hands pushed on my shoulders. His eyes blazed with lust, his voice husky and bottomed out. "Gabriel. Get down there."

  I gasped, his command racing like wildfire through my veins. In one smooth movement, I slid off the bed and onto my knees on the floor. Florian scooted toward me, propping his heels on the edge of the bed. He pulled the pillow back underneath him and lounged like a cat.

  "Heaven, it's been a while."

  I slid his underwear off and took in his uncircumcised cock standing at full attention, ready for me. Smoothing my hands along his inner thighs to warm them, I then gently cupped his balls in one hand while I mouthed my lips over his tip and slowly slid his foreskin down with my other hand.

  Florian nodded, encouraging me. "That's it."

  Once his foreskin was fully down, I flattened my tongue on the underside of his cock and slid it from base to tip. Florian sighed softly, thrilling me that I could inspire such bliss. I laved his tip with my tongue, then sucked on it lightly with my lips, kissing him while I pumped him with a loose grip. He arched his back, thrusting his hips at me. "Please."

  I smile a Cheshire cat grin at him. "Well, since you asked nicely."