Tallulah Bankhead Slept Here

by Sam Lollar

  I looked at Larinda, and she looked at me, and we both shrugged. It seemed innocuous enough, so we agreed to do it. In no time, we were lying on the cots under covers pretending to be customers.

  “Okay, now act like husband and wife,” Scott commanded.

  “What?”

  “You know, make kissy faces and hold hands, that sort of thing.”

  “Um, I don’t know…” Larinda said, echoing my exact thoughts.

  “Come on, you guys. I’ll snap the pictures fast.”

  And that’s how Larinda and I ended up in bed together. We kissed the air at each other and held hands while Scott took picture after picture from every angle he could think of. Much to my amazement, the newspapers ran the photo in an article about the number of tourists in town and the lack of hotel rooms.

  A while later that evening, Larinda and I were again alone in the lobby. With our No Vacancy sign lit, we had little business coming in, so we could chat before she began working. “When did you and Scott go to dinner?” I asked.

  “Hmm? Today?”

  “Yeah? What time?”

  “Let me think. Around seven, why?”

  “It’s just that he wanted to take me out to eat this evening as well. I really can’t figure him out.”

  “We’ve eaten together several times. We’ve even gone out a few times to Juarez. He’s a lot of fun and a big spender. You ought to join us sometime.”

  I was quiet a moment.

  “Don’t you want to know what we were talking about?” she asked.

  “Well, yes, of course. I didn’t want to be rude and ask, though.”

  “Actually we spent most of dinner today—and pretty much every day—talking about man troubles. I can’t seem to find one, and he’s got one who doesn’t want him.”

  “Scott’s got a boyfriend?” I asked, a sense of relief and jealousy overcoming me simultaneously. “Why’s he so persistent with me, then?”

  “Dummy, it’s you he’s after. And it’s you who doesn’t want him.”

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake, I know he’s after me. Everyone on earth knows he’s after me. Why’s he talking to you about it?”

  “We were with Otto last week, and Scott wanted me to see how he’s pushing him to go after you. I think he wanted another opinion, and believe me, I’ve let him know what I think.”

  “What do you think?”

  “That he should leave you alone. You’re what, sixteen?”

  “Eighteen, almost nineteen,” I lied.

  “Whatever. You’re much too young for him. He’s…what? Thirty-five, for God’s sake, and should be after men his own age, not someone young enough to be his son.”

  “Well, I don’t think he’s old enough to be my father. But I am relieved you told him that. I hope he listens to you.” I was quiet for a moment and then remembered something that occurred earlier in the day. “Larinda, Scott was trying to tell me something this afternoon as we were driving around not getting something to eat. Do you know what it might have been?”

  “Possibly. It was either that he was going to tell you he didn’t want to be around you anymore—for your own good, not his, by the way—or he was going to pursue you more vigorously, I have no idea which. When I asked what he planned, he just changed the subject.”

  She went into the business office and left me with the desk. A couple of cars drove up, nothing extraordinary, just an old Chevy and I think a Pontiac, but I couldn’t get a good look at either one. Anyway, we had no rooms, so they didn’t stay around long. I ran some errands and picked up a few tips, but otherwise it was a long, dull evening.

  For the next several days, Scott was nowhere to be seen. I was beginning to relax in his absence but also had to admit that I missed his attentions. With Miss LuLu going around with Mrs. Schuster, I was feeling a bit lonely.

  One afternoon a week or so later, Larinda drove up in the middle of the afternoon to show off her new car. It was a beautiful blue 1967 Stingray convertible. I was drooling, I wanted it so bad.

  “Ain’t it a beaut?” she declared as Bob and I came over to look at it. “I just picked it up this afternoon and wanted to show it off. Don’t I look like hot shit in this baby?”

  Actually she looked more improbable than good in the car; she was nearly as big as it was. I doubted she could fit in it if the hardtop was on it.

  “I’ll tell you what. If I can’t get a man with this car, then I may have to give up on men altogether. Come on, Aaron, you and Bob can go for a little ride with me.”

  “Go ahead, Aaron. I’ve got to stay here and look after things. With Scott gone, I’m all that’s left.”

  So I got into the small cockpit and off we went. She drove like a bat out of hell, heading straight into traffic without looking either right or left. I must say that after the accident earlier in the summer, I was a bit skittish about driving at all, and her aggressive approach was unsettling. I held on to the grab bar and hoped for the best. I was just glad the cast had come off a week earlier. Otherwise, I couldn’t have gotten in the car.

  “Relax, sport. I’m not going to hurt you,” she said. “It’s just that a car like this is made to be driven fast. Hang on.”

  She picked up speed, heading north on Mesa out into the countryside. Finally she slowed down and began driving more sensibly. “So tell me, Aaron, how are Scott and you getting along?”

  “I’ve not seen him in a while. I don’t know where he is. It is a relief to be away from him for a while,” I said, but secretly I was dismayed at his absence.

  “Maybe he’s come to a decision, then, and decided my advice to leave you alone was right. You’re too damn young for him.”

  “Well, anyway, thanks for caring.”

  “Nonsense. Everybody’s looking out for your best interests. I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but Mrs. Schuster is really fond of you. She thinks of you as an unofficial part of her family. And with all the traveling she does, you could see a lot of the world just by being real friendly.”

  “Really? I’m stunned. I don’t know what to say.”

  “Nothin’ to say, sport, that’s just the way it is.”

  Some time later, as we were driving back to the motel, she asked me, “You know, Scott said you and him were going to go to a whorehouse in Juarez. Did you ever do it?”

  Jeez, here we go again, I thought. “Not yet,” I said through tight lips, trying to close the topic.

  “When are you going to do it then?”

  “I don’t know. Soon, maybe.”

  “How about tonight?” she asked. “Maybe Scott and I will find you a really nice woman to be with. Whaddaya say?”

  “Um, I don’t know,” I said. Remembering that this was originally Bob’s idea, I said, “I’m not going without Bob, though.”

  “Well, why not? He can go, too. Maybe we’ll even bring in Mrs. Schuster and that Tallulah woman, maybe even Bob’s wife and kids. It’ll be a regular field trip.” She laughed like a braying donkey.

  “Let me think about it,” I said. “Anyway, I don’t want to go tonight. Another time.”

  “All right, but let me know so’s I can set things up.”

  “What do you mean, set things up?” I asked, becoming wary of her, much like I felt with Scott.

  “Oh, it’s nothin’. I know a gal who runs one of the whorehouses, that’s all. It’s really clean, since she’s a nurse on this side of the bridge during the daytime. Her girls are all disease free, or so she tells me, and I’m inclined to believe her.”

  Oh, my, I thought, this is getting complicated.

  *

  “Dad, it sounds like it was preordained—you meet a woman who’s friends with a madam. You had to go to a whorehouse. So did you go?”

  “Just listen to the rest of the story.”

  *

  When we got back to the motel, I waited until Larinda left, then approached Bob behind the desk. “Bob,” I said.

  “Yeah, kid?”

  “It seems that Scott
and Larinda have decided that they want to take me to a whorehouse.”

  “Hey, that’s great. Larinda told me about her madam friend. When are you going?”

  “To tell you the truth, I don’t feel too good about going with them.”

  “Would you be more comfortable going with me, then?”

  “Frankly, yes.”

  “You know no one can force you to do this, Aaron.”

  “I know, but I’m so unsettled about Scott I think I want to do this just to prove something to myself.”

  “Well, okay. How about tonight, then? If you want to change your mind at any time, just say so. It’ll just be between you and me.”

  “Well, I just told Larinda I didn’t want to go tonight.”

  “Okay, we’ll go tomorrow night. How do you feel about Larinda and Scott going with us?”

  “I’m uncomfortable with them, but if you’re there, I think I can manage it.”

  All night and the next day I worried about the upcoming event. About eight the next evening, Scott and Larinda walked in with Bob while I was watching the front desk.

  “Dollie’s coming in to watch the desk tonight,” Scott said. “She seemed excited when I told her what’s going on.”

  “My God. You didn’t tell her, did you?” I know I turned every shade of red listed in the dictionary.

  “Of course. She’s a grown woman. She knows what a whore is, for Christ’s sake, and remember she played a damn good madam on the phone a few weeks back. I thought we’d go early and get something to eat first, something light for you, of course, and maybe take in a burlesque show before heading to the red light district around ten or eleven.”

  Gulp. “Okay, I guess.”

  “Why don’t you go change clothes? We’ll wait here for you,” Bob said.

  I walked to my room and changed into some jeans and a pullover. I was becoming really apprehensive about the whole process and tried to look at it with a sense of dispassionate humor. It was a funny situation any way I looked at it. Imagine me being driven to a whorehouse by three adults, none of whom knew me really well.

  When I got back to the lobby, Miss LuLu was there with Mrs. Schuster. No sooner had I walked into the lobby than she came over to me and pulled me aside. “Dahling, you don’t have to do this. I think the whole thing sounds a bit tawdry, don’t you? Surely you don’t have to prove your manhood to us. We don’t care who you have sex with. It’s your decision in the end, anyway. But this sounds so calculated that it leaves me with an unpleasant sense of foreboding.”

  I wasn’t even surprised that she knew about it and felt the need to counsel me. “Thanks for your concern, Miss LuLu, but it’s time I did this. I feel relatively safe with them, especially with Bob around. Maybe tomorrow I’ll tell you all about my exploits.”

  “I don’t think I’ll want to hear about it, dearest. Promise me that you’ll be careful, and…uh…use this,” she said under her breath while secretly handing me a small packet I realized was a condom. I began wondering why I just didn’t get a woman to come into the lobby and screw her right there in front of everyone. But I reminded myself this was something I wanted to do, and that these people did like me and had my best interests at heart. But was that just rationalization, or was it how I really felt?

  “Come on, Aaron, let’s go,” Scott said cheerfully.

  We went outdoors and proceeded to the Lincoln, as it was the only car around that would seat all of us. Scott drove, with me in the front seat, Bob and Larinda in the back. “I’ll try not to have a wreck tonight,” Scott chided me as he slapped my thigh. “Don’t want to get you laid up tonight when you’re going to get laid,” he said, laughing uproariously. To my horror, Bob and Larinda joined in.

  The drive over to Juarez was uneventful. We parked on the American side and walked over to Juarez Avenue. We went to a wonderful restaurant whose name I have since forgotten, and everyone ate heartily except me. While Scott paid the check, Bob suggested we go to one of the burlesque houses, turning to Larinda to ask her if it would bother her to go to one.

  “Hell, no,” she said. “How do you think I paid my way through school? I was one of those topless bouncing bettys myself. With my big titties I was mighty popular, I’ll tell you. Besides, I can give you an insider’s commentary while the chicks are dancing.” She hooted as we found a place to enter.

  They didn’t charge Larinda, of course, but charged us three men a dollar apiece. Bob graciously paid the three dollars, and in we went. This place also had a three-drink minimum, so we ordered beverages. Bob thought it would be a good idea if I had a drink to loosen me up a bit for the festivities to follow, so I ordered three glasses of wine served in what looked like iced tea glasses. Surely they don’t expect me to drink all that, I thought. Bob didn’t drink any of his three beers, saying he wanted to remain sober so he could drive us home safely. Scott and Larinda got three beers apiece. No sooner had the drinks arrived than the first dancer came onstage.

  Billed as Uvone the Amazon, she stood at least six feet tall and had enormous boobs. It took her no time at all to get out of her top, and, to my astonishment, she stripped off her G-string as well. This top-heavy gargantuan was totally naked. The men had no place to put their dollar bills, so ended up throwing them on the stage. She did the bump and grind for what seemed like hours, even going so far as to act like she was going to put a dollar bill in her vagina. The men in the audience loved it when she bent over, either facing them or with her backside toward them. No matter the direction, a substantial part of her anatomy was in full display.

  I was fascinated by the show, especially when the next dancer came out: Eve, Goddess of Eden in her rhinestone-covered bikini. But what was most fascinating was the six foot boa constrictor she had draped around her shoulders. I thought of Ruby Delight, the whore at the motel, and her aspirations to be a stripper with a snake. With her flat chest, I didn’t have much hope for her. It didn’t take Eve long to get her top off either, but her show was different. She allowed the snake to crawl between her breasts and around her body, all the while continuing to dance around the stage. I noticed no one was putting any money in her G-string when she yelled out, “You guys ain’t chicken, are ya? You ain’t afraid of Miss Slither, here, are ya? She won’t bite. Though I can’t say the same about me.” After that, the men were more obliging, putting money into her G-string but quickly pulling their hands away whenever the snake’s head got near.

  To my surprise, I had finished one whole glass of wine without realizing it. I supposed the light meal I had had earlier had made me thirsty. I felt great, though, and thought that I was finally able to handle my liquor. Scott tried to get me to drink some more wine, but Bob wouldn’t allow it.

  “How ya feel, Aaron? That was a big glass of wine you downed there. Think you can handle it okay?”

  “Sure Bob, I feel fine.” I spoke without slurring any words, so I guess Bob was satisfied.

  “Okay, but don’t drink any more. I don’t want you to pass out before the big event.”

  We watched a few more big-busted women prance about the stage. Finally, Larinda spoke up. “Maxine’s expecting us about eleven thirty, fellas, so I guess we’d best be heading out.”

  First we all made a pit stop, and then out into the Mexican night we went. We trudged around a few blocks. I was totally disoriented, so I had no idea where we were. I began feeling light-headed and wonderfully alive. Although I was a bit dizzy, I felt like I owned the world. Scott asked in a low voice if I really wanted to go through with it. He thought I looked a bit drunk. “Nonsense, Scott,” I all but hollered. “I feel great. Bring on the broads.”

  “Well, Aaron sounds ready,” Bob said as we hailed a cab to take us to the red light district. Scott seemed rather subdued. I had no idea what a red light district was supposed to look like, so I was a bit disappointed when we got to it and I saw that it was nothing more than a dirt road with some shacks lined up on both sides. Larinda pointed the driver to her friend’s broth
el. She got out first, with us following her. I was glad that we were going someplace familiar to one of us. If I had come by myself, I would have tucked tail and run. Of course, that was assuming I could have found the place at all.

  I was shaken from my reverie by the harsh red lights lining the front porch of a two-story building that looked like a run-down Victorian in desperate need of a carpenter’s attention.

  “Here we are, guys,” Larinda chirped. “If you boys want to get a girl, too, that’s all right with me. I can visit with Maxine while you’re getting your jollies.”

  “Not for me,” Bob said, chuckling. “I don’t think my wife would approve.” He looked at me to see if I was going to say anything. I didn’t, of course. His secret was safe with me.

  Scott naturally pooh-poohed Larinda’s suggestion. “If I wanted a woman, I would have been with one a long time ago.”

  “Why, Scott, you mean to tell me that you’ve never screwed a gal?” Larinda asked with a big smile.

  “No, you don’t,” he said. “This is Aaron’s big night, so no talk about my sexual proclivities. Remember, there are some questions I can ask you, too, Larinda.”

  “Whoops, never mind,” she said, laughing good-naturedly. “Let’s go in.”

  We entered the house, and a blousy woman in scandalous clothes swept over to us. “Larinda, darling. So good to see you. I was so glad you called me. I haven’t seen you in weeks. Did you get your new car?”

  “Oh, yes. It’s a real beauty. You’ll have to come over sometime to see it.”

  They kept up this chitchat for a while when Maxine said, “So these are your men friends. Now, who’s who?” Larinda introduced us. “These two guys look like they’ve been around the block a few times,” Maxine said, “so I’m guessing this party is for this beautiful young lad here, though I can’t believe some girl hasn’t trapped him yet. Armand, isn’t it?”