The Universe Between Us

by Jane C. Esther

  “For the winter apocalypse?”

  Nova raised an eyebrow and put her hand on her hip.

  “Okay, okay, let’s get you out of that for the moment and show you around. Wouldn’t want you to knock anything over with that thing,” she murmured. Nova play punched her shoulder.

  She gave Nova the two minute tour of the house, showing her the hidden drawers and closets, the coziness of her bed pod.

  “What’s in here?” Nova asked, dipping her head into Ana’s lab.

  “That’s where the magic happens,” she answered, remembering the slow seduction she’d executed after the restaurant, and how it led to many, many seductions thereafter. She felt her face flush as she heard Ana moving around in her room, in some state of undress.

  “I don’t think I want to know. What’s down there at the end?” Nova pointed toward the terrarium door.

  “You can go look. It’s the terrarium. Ana told me there are solar panels that light up the room, even though it looks like daylight. I don’t know. It’s cool in there.”

  Nova pushed the door open halfway and stuck her head in. “Oh my God, what is that fucking divine smell?”

  Jolie inhaled the air as it seeped into the hallway. It smelled like Ana. “It’s rosemary. Ana even gave me some infused in oil to wear. Isn’t it just sexy and so delicious?”

  Nova closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

  “Ladies, how’s it going over here?” Jolie felt Ana’s arm circle her waist as she pulled her in.

  “Good. We were just admiring your creations,” she said seductively.

  Nova rolled her eyes. “You sure you want me here tonight?”

  Jolie stepped away from Ana. “Sorry, we’ll behave. Want to get out there?”

  “I’ll get the food and drinks and you two can set up outside,” Ana said, moving toward the kitchen. “Whoa, is someone planning to camp out all night?”

  “Not you, too.” Nova groaned.

  Jolie doubled over in laughter. “Let’s take this show outside.”

  She and Nova spread blankets on the cool ground and settled down. Ana emerged a few minutes later with piping hot chocolate and containers of snacks. They ate and drank and Jolie couldn’t remember being happier, laughing her head off alongside her two favorite people.

  “Hey, did you see that?” Jolie pointed at the sky where a streaking meteorite had just crossed.

  “First shooting star gets a kiss. That’s the rule.” Ana leaned over and kissed Jolie’s cheek.

  Nova folded her arms. “Aww, man. How about the second?”

  “Stop trying to steal my girlfriend.” Jolie pushed Nova onto her side and Ana cracked up.

  “Please, I don’t think I could. You two are ridiculously cute together. Jo, I’ve never seen you this happy.”

  “Aww, thanks for saying.” She rested her head in Ana’s lap and watched the sky. “How big is that out there?”

  “Hmm?” Ana asked, absently running her fingers through Jolie’s hair.

  “You know, the universe.”

  “Really, really big. Whenever I think about it, I feel like an ant. Smaller than an ant. Like a bacterium stuck to a cell, which is part of a leaf, which is on a tree, which is only a tiny part of the forest.”

  “Wow. That’s a neat way to think of it,” Nova said with wonder.

  “It’s huge, and we’re only starting to explore the galaxies closest to us, which are so far away that you can’t see most of them without a telescope.”

  “I’d hate to be out there, on the moon or wherever. It’s so far away. It just seems so lonely.” Jolie felt Ana inhale sharply and remove the hand that was massaging her scalp. She sat up and squeezed Ana’s thigh. “Everything okay?”

  “Oh, yeah. I just had a cramp. A hand cramp.”

  Jolie shot Nova a questioning look. She shrugged.

  She didn’t bring up any more universe sized questions for the rest of the night, and they all settled into a companionable silence as the shooting stars flew.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “We should think about getting a bigger mattress to put on the floor,” Jolie said sleepily as she ran her fingernails up and down Ana’s bare torso. They had shared each other’s cramped sleeping pods for the past couple of months, and Jolie’s muscles ached as much from the sex as from sleeping in such a small space.

  “We could get one today. We’ll be going into town anyway for Nova’s party. That’s tonight, isn’t it?”

  “Shit. I almost forgot. See what you turn me into?” Jolie groaned, imagining Nova’s anger if she ever found out about her slip of mind. “We have to get a present. Well, you don’t, I do.” She scrambled out of bed, almost knocking her head on the way out. She felt Ana’s hand brush the small of her back.

  “We’ve still got hours until we have to leave. There’s no rush.”

  Jolie stopped at Ana’s logical words, calling her like a siren back to bed. Her insides melted as they had every time she thought about their bodies against each other. She leaned over to place a slow, languid kiss on Ana’s lips. I love you, she thought, but she hadn’t said it since the first time. “Okay. You’re right. But I should get up and do some things I have to get done before tonight. I think I actually have something I can give Nova, but I’ll have to buy some supplies for that.”

  Ana nodded, then sighed loudly. “I might need a few more hours of sleep, actually. Can you wake me up at one?”

  “I will.” Jolie closed the door and went to shower. Being away from Ana, even for a few moments, brought back the pit in her stomach that grew larger each time she thought too much about how quickly they’d become entrenched in each others’ lives. So far, she’d been able to keep the fear of what lie ahead at bay, shielding Ana from the knowledge that she couldn’t, in fact, handle being in a relationship she knew was ending. Beautiful, sexy, brilliant Ana had become far too precious to her for there to be any kind of clean break at the end. You have to get used to this, she repeated each time they separated. And each time, it seemed more difficult to believe that she could. She let a couple of tears escape her eyes before damming the flow, knowing that they’d find some way to escape later.

  After her shower, Jolie went through her sketches to find the best ones for Nova. She’d spent hours at the riverbank sketching Ana’s naked body from memory, but had luckily also drawn the landscape a few times. She stared at the sketches for a while, finally choosing three to make into a triptych. All she needed were three frames and some matting. She glanced inside Ana’s lab and found her 3D printer. It could produce whatever custom frames she wanted without having to leave the house. After making sure Ana was still sleeping, she quietly entered the room.

  She hadn’t been inside since Ana fixed her leg after their first date, and she guessed that she shouldn’t be. A small fume hood sat in the corner next to a larger humidity chamber. She peered in at rows of petri dishes inside, some with small colonies of multicolored bacteria, and some lying empty, waiting to be used. A collection of glassware sat on a cart in the corner. The whole room looked messier than she’d seen it. She spotted the printer on a shelf in front of her, and could tell right away that it was a higher quality model than she’d used before. If she was quick about it, Ana wouldn’t even have to know. After connecting a screen, she quickly modified three different frame designs. There, she thought. Nova would have no idea that she was so distracted she almost forgot about the party. She set them to print and left the room.

  She spent the next hour lounging on the couch, reading an old paperback, when she heard Ana stir. She emerged from the bedroom in a tank top and a pair of boxers, her hair sticking out at wild angles. They hadn’t discussed it, but Jolie knew that the erratic days and nights of their sexual escapades were catching up to both of them. She’d fallen asleep twice in her classes that week. Still, even fatigue could not quell desire, and Jolie found herself aroused again at the outline of Ana’s breasts through the thin fabric.

  “You can’t wear t
hings like that if I’m trying to focus on something other than your naked body.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.” Ana didn’t sound sorry at all. “I guess you’ll have to use sheer willpower. You still have that, don’t you?”

  “You’re an ass.” Jolie chuckled. She remembered the frames still printing in the other room, and decided it was better to be up front about going in there. “I used your printer. I hope that’s okay.” She grimaced in embarrassment. “The door was open.”

  Ana looked stricken for a moment, then relaxed slightly. “I haven’t been keeping on top of things lately. Not just keeping that room closed, but everything, really. All of my experiments are ruined, and the data is a mess.”

  Jolie paled. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

  “You didn’t do anything. I should be paying more attention to my work.”

  “And less attention to me,” Jolie said, sadly.

  Ana walked over and knelt beside the couch. “There is nothing in my life I’ve ever wanted more than you.” She kissed her sweetly, and Jolie believed it. “Don’t forget that, no matter what happens.”

  “Is there anything I can do to get you to stay?” Jolie meant it half jokingly, but she felt the energy drain from the room.

  Ana’s face fell and she shook her head. “Even if there were, I wouldn’t tell you. I don’t want you to spend the next month trying to change my mind.”

  Jolie was silent. Was that what she would do? She couldn’t be sure. “I’m not trying to change your mind.”

  “I wouldn’t blame you. If we switched places, I can’t say that I wouldn’t try to get you to stay.” She sat down on the couch.

  “Can you at least tell me if there’s a chance I might see you again?” Jolie’s stomach turned as she asked the question. She already knew the answer.

  Ana shook her head and almost whispered, “It’s unlikely.” A flicker of pain obscured Ana’s features before it vanished just as suddenly.

  “Do you think you’ll fall in love with someone else?” Jolie asked. Ana had never acknowledged she was in love with her, but there was no way she didn’t feel this too.

  Ana started to say something, but it fell away and she looked at the floor.

  Jolie felt like she’d been punched hard in the gut. “I see.”

  Ana cleared her throat. “I’ll probably have other relationships, eventually. You shouldn’t wait around for me.”

  Jolie gulped. She shouldn’t have started this round of questioning, its answers making her increasingly unhappy. “It doesn’t matter what you want me to do. I don’t plan on keeping in contact with you after you leave.” Her tone was bitter, and she could tell from Ana’s twisted expression that her words had stung as intended.

  “You knew this would happen.” Ana looked her in the eye. “What did you expect?” She shook her head. “I knew this was a bad idea.” She stood. This time, she began to walk toward her room, emerging with some sweats a moment later. Without a word, she walked out the door. Jolie did not try to stop her.

  Almost a full hour passed before Ana returned. Jolie was at the small desk in her room assembling Nova’s present when she heard the front door open. Most of her anger had dissipated, but she didn’t acknowledge Ana’s return. She heard footsteps approaching her bedroom door, which was cracked open a few inches. Jolie’s breath caught as she felt Ana hesitate, then knock lightly.

  “Come in,” she muttered.

  Ana peered into the room, then pushed the door open and walked in. Her cheeks were rosy, and Jolie thought her eyes looked a little puffy. She leaned against the wall, then slid down into a squat. Jolie swiveled to face her. Despite her frustration with their future, her heart broke to see Ana like this, as close to an emotional wreck as she’d seen her. Jolie got the feeling that before she came along, Ana wasn’t prone to emotional swings.

  “I’ve never felt like this before,” Ana said, as if in answer to her thoughts. Jolie couldn’t tell if she meant her feelings about her, or the pain she was in. “I didn’t mean to hurt you by telling you the truth. I’m trying to be as straightforward with you as I can.”

  “I know,” Jolie said, her head lowered. “I’m sorry that I made you say things I knew I didn’t want to hear.”

  Ana nodded. A moment passed with Jolie looking at Ana, who was looking at the floor. “I walked down to the river and sat under that tree where you like to draw. The entire time, I couldn’t stop thinking about my reaction when you asked if I would fall in love with someone else.” Jolie waited as Ana drew in a long breath. Ana looked up at her, her eyes sparkling. “I can’t imagine ever feeling like this with anyone else. You tear me apart, Jo. I’ve never felt so vulnerable and so strong at the same time. I don’t think I’ll ever find that again.”

  Jolie slid off her chair and moved next to Ana, cradling her to her chest.

  “Look at me,” Ana said. “I’m a mess. I’m neglecting my work, which has never been more important than it is right now. A month from now is training camp. I’m not staying in shape, at least the kind I need to be in.” She cracked a smile at her insinuation, and Jolie held her tighter. “I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking of how this will end,” Ana said, forlornly.

  Close to tears, Jolie struggled to keep her composure. “Me too. But that’s still a few weeks away. You’ll go to training camp, then we’ll still have time after that. But I can move out before you come back. We can stop seeing each other before then, if you want.”

  Ana shook her head. “I don’t want that.”

  “I don’t either. Maybe we can just make more time for you to do what you need to do.”

  “That sounds reasonable,” she said quietly.

  “Okay. I love you, Ana. It kills me that I won’t get the chance to see if we could have made this work.” Jolie ran her fingers through Ana’s soft hair, memorizing its earthy scent.

  “I’m really sorry that we won’t.”

  Jolie sighed, trying not to think about how difficult it would be to part ways in a few short months. “Let’s try to enjoy this while we can.”

  Ana nodded. “Do you still want me to come to the party with you?”

  “Of course,” Jolie said.

  Ana relaxed into her arms with a deep breath.

  “Why don’t you jump in the shower, then we can go into town and walk around until the party.”

  “Okay.” Ana kissed her on the cheek. Jolie helped her up, then returned to her desk. Sliding into her chair, she wondered at the mysterious future that was somehow bigger than their love for each other. She knew Ana felt the deep, raw emotions too, she just couldn’t bring herself to say the words, for whatever reason. Jolie sighed, powerless against fate.

  * * *

  By mid afternoon they were parked along Main Street near the common, which was full of college students, young families, and a group of underdressed women engaged in downward dog. The sun was high in the sky, warming the cool November air, and Jolie beamed as they walked across the busy street to the strip of locally owned shops that sold tchotchkes to the upper class locals and tourists. As much as she loved being at home with Ana, she also wanted to show her off.

  “Let’s go in this one.” Jolie pulled Ana by the hand into a store called Coyote Dreams.

  “Really?”

  “Oh, come on, it’ll be fun.” She grinned. “Don’t you ever window shop?”

  Ana looked at her. “Why would I do that?”

  “For fun, genius.”

  “If you say so,” Ana muttered as they walked inside. She’d been moping ever since their talk, and all Jolie wanted to do was make her smile.

  The store was a maze of tall shelves filled with kitschy local crafts, geodes, and overpriced jewelry. Jolie squeezed Ana’s hand as they perused the shelves, giggling at the sappy sayings etched into glass and embroidered into pillows.

  As they rounded a corner into the next room, Jolie felt Ana stiffen beside her, letting go of her hand as if it had shocked her. A distinguished looking
woman with dark hair pulled back into a perfect bun, stood staring back with narrowed eyes, her hand outstretched toward a glass figurine. Jolie flitted her eyes between the two of them as the elder woman slowly lowered her arm, smoothed her fitted jacket, and walked calmly over. Ana stood rooted in her spot, and Jolie watched her fly through a series of emotions, her face twitching with embarrassment, annoyance, and finally resignation.

  The woman stood directly in front of them. She was a few inches shorter than Ana, but Jolie sensed the familial tie in their cool regard for one another.

  “I’m Dr. Mitchell, Ana’s mother,” the woman said as she held out a hand to Jolie.

  Dumbfounded by her politeness, even as her gaze was suspicious, Jolie shook her hand silently, looking to Ana for help.

  “This is my new roommate, Jolie.” Ana flinched when her mother looked back at her.

  “Is that so? Roommate seems like a rather anachronistic term for it. Seems we have a bit of catching up to do on personal matters, wouldn’t you agree? And we need to talk about other things, as well.”

  Ana didn’t respond. With each passing second, Jolie felt the tension growing between them, until she couldn’t take it anymore.

  “Hey, Ana? I’m going to go sit on the Common. Why don’t you get me when you’re ready.” She began to turn around. “Oh, and it was really nice to meet you, Dr. Mitchell.” She could tell that the woman was appraising her as she walked out of the store.

  What the hell was that all about? Jolie shook her head. Ana hadn’t mentioned that she had any kind of relationship with her mother, though that would certainly explain the frostiness. In fact, she hadn’t even mentioned that she lived around here.

  She sat down heavily on the lawn. She hadn’t expected to be waiting, so she had none of her usual distractions with her besides her bracelet, and it was too nice a day to be glued to a game or the news. She watched the group of women doing yoga. A large oak tree shaded them, its leaves occasionally fluttering down to land on one of the mats. The women moved through a series of poses and finally settled into child’s pose. She stopped watching when she realized she was staring at indecently thin fabric over their backsides.