“Where’s my main man?” he asked, chuckling.
“You mean your only man?” Liv asked. “He’s in the kitchen with Udeme, making something to eat. Leave them alone or we’ll never get fed.” She swatted at him with the back of her hand.
Ana sighed contentedly. This was just like summer camp when she’d been young enough to be allowed to play with other kids, before she was separated from the rest of the world. She’d only been twice, but the feeling of camaraderie dredged up the memories as if they had happened yesterday. What a pleasant way to think of it—a perpetual summer camp, with more work, no swimming, and on a completely different planet. Almost the same. She might have been satisfied with the idea if Jolie hadn’t been on her mind, her ghost following Ana everywhere and lodging itself in her consciousness at the most inopportune times. Like now, when she was supposed to be interacting with the team and preparing for the greatest moment of their lives.
With a forced smile, she hoisted her backpack on her shoulder and made her way to her room. It looked almost identical to her minimalist quarters back home, and as she ran her hand along familiar white sheets, there was Jolie again, her naked body inviting Ana to come back to bed and spend the day there. Ana stepped back quickly, remembering their abrupt end. No, she couldn’t torture herself with the memory of pleasure when she had brought about so much pain. Stop it, she said to herself, over and over. She wanted nothing more than to lie on that bed and take a quick nap, but she couldn’t stay there, not until she figured out how to turn off her imagination. She heard excited voices rise in the main room, and smiled to herself. Martine.
Like the heroine of an old French movie, Martine shook off her helmet and stood almost arrogantly, a light coating of lipstick balancing her honey waves of hair, somehow undisturbed by the trip here. Though she, Luke, and Liv were glued to Martine with looks of awe and, in Luke’s case, a touch of jealousy, Martine’s eyes fixated on only one of them: Liv.
“My love.” She stepped into Liv’s embrace. If anyone ever made a movie about the mission, Ana thought, this would be the main romance. Enduring through the years, bolstered by distance and longing. What she’d had with Jolie didn’t even come close, not in so little time. If they’d had more months, or even years, could it have been as epic a story?
Luke cleared his throat as Martine tipped Liv’s head back and kissed her passionately. “Okay, well I’ll leave you to it and go find Carlos,” he said, turning, almost running directly into the wall next to the doorway. Ana followed shortly.
“I think we should save some food for Martine and Liv,” Ana said to Carlos and Udeme as she hugged them. “I don’t expect they’ll be able to join us for a few hours.”
Udeme smiled and shook her head. “Tell me, how was your trip, Ana?”
“Uneventful. How was yours?”
Udeme shrugged. “It was difficult to get out of Abuja, as it has been for the last two years. I made it, though, in one piece.” Her sad eyes betrayed her upturned mouth. Ana knew she was talking about the civil war that raged in West Africa and had taken her mother and sister years ago.
“I’m sorry, Udeme.” Ana placed her hand on her arm. “I can’t pretend to know what you’ve been through. You know I’m here if you ever want to talk about it.”
She nodded and smiled again with dark eyes that had surely seen more than the rest of the crew put together.
“Looks like lunch is done,” Udeme said, her face relaxing into a neutral expression. She nodded toward Carlos, who was recounting some story about sharks to Luke, with the enthusiasm of a child. “Want to leave these two to catch up, and eat in the main room?”
Ana nodded, taking her bowl of reconstituted rice, beans, and algae into the other room.
“It seems like you have something weighing on you, my friend,” Udeme said as they sunk into a section of floor designed to be slightly cushiony. “The other night during check-in, you were distant. Now you are distant in a different way. What happened?”
“I wouldn’t even know where to start,” Ana said.
“That bad?”
Ana took a bite of her food and chewed absentmindedly. “It’s still too fresh. I’m sure by the time this month is over, I’ll have moved on completely. I just have to work harder at doing my job in the meantime.”
Udeme nodded and squeezed Ana’s shoulder. “You will be okay. We are trained in resilience, after all. If anybody can move forward, it’s us.”
Ana smiled briefly. Udeme was right. She’d spent years working on her coping skills, and this was the perfect situation to prove them to herself and her crew. She would allow this crack to heal, then she would so thoroughly forget about Jolie that when she went back home, it wouldn’t matter if she was there or not. Ana would be the second commander they were all expecting her to be.
Chapter Twenty
Jolie woke late in an unfamiliar room. As the fog of sleep and alcohol began to lift, she felt the night before slowly coming back to her. Her head spun and her body ached with the heaviness of a hangover. She remembered the pulse of the music and the heat of dancing bodies all around her. She was dancing with someone—who had it been? Her dance partner had been wearing a skintight tank top and low cut jeans. She remembered hooking her fingers in the belt loops and pulling the woman closer to…kiss her? Jolie shot up, immediately regretting moving at all. Karlee. She clutched her head and looked for signs that anything else had happened with Karlee, relieved when she found none.
Nova knocked lightly on the door and opened it a crack. “Oh, good, I’m glad you’re up. I got you some breakfast.” She brought a small bag over to the bed and sat down. “How are you doing, sweetie?”
“My head.” Jolie moaned, burying her face in the pillow.
“You had a lot to drink last night.” Nova stroked her hair.
“No kidding. I’m sorry if I ruined your party.”
“You didn’t ruin it, hun. I had Karlee keep an eye on you so you didn’t do anything stupid.”
Jolie looked up at her and didn’t see any hint of sarcasm. So, she didn’t know what had transpired between them during the party. Good, she thought. She’d keep it that way. No use ruining relationships with her best friend and her best friend’s best friend-slash-occasional sexual partner. The previous day came rushing back now, the rawness of Ana’s departure burning a hole in her stomach. She hadn’t said much to Nova when she’d shown up early at the house, but her mood relayed enough for her to get the general idea.
Tears began to flow down her face, and she choked back the harder sobs that threatened to escape. Nova curled around her, but she hardly noticed being held. She had been inconsolable after the crash a few years ago, realizing that she’d lost a physical part of her body, but this pain was deeper. She’d lost something she couldn’t replace with a bionic limb.
She heard Nova in the distance. “Honey? You need to eat something. Please? Eat a bite of this?”
Jolie smelled the food and it turned her stomach. She shook her head, but Nova persisted. Finally, she complied, finding it easier to be told what to do than to do any thinking of her own.
“Here. Drink this too.” Nova handed her a bottle of orange juice.
Jolie took a sip and unwrapped the sandwich. On any other day, she would have welcomed breakfast in bed, but this morning, nothing was the way it should be. She took a bite and felt the warmth of the egg and cheese slide past the lump in her throat. She swallowed hard, and the emptiness returned.
“I can’t,” she said.
“You need to tell me what happened. Maybe it will help put things into perspective.”
“She doesn’t want me,” Jolie said, breaking down again. Even as she said it, she knew it wasn’t true. Ana just didn’t want her enough. “I knew it was a bad idea to be with her, but the whole time it was happening, it felt right, like nothing has ever felt for me. It just fit. Now she’s gone and I’ll probably never see her again.”
“I’m sorry, sweetie. I know this is dif
ficult. But it sounded like it would have happened this way anyway.”
“Not if she loved me more than this thing she has planned for herself,” Jolie said bitterly. “I wish I never met her,” she muttered.
“Do you really? Before yesterday, I’d never seen you happier.”
“I’m miserable.”
“I know.” Nova shifted uncomfortably. “Will you tell me everything later? Do you want to stay here? We’re going hiking today and you’re welcome to come with us.”
“Who is we? Karlee?” She blushed as she said her name, and hoped Nova didn’t notice.
“Yeah. I hope you’re not mad. Karlee and I have become pretty close since you moved in with Ana.”
Jolie wanted to say, “Not as close as we were last night,” but quickly realized that Karlee and Nova had indeed been closer on at least one occasion. That wasn’t a conversation she wanted to start, though she couldn’t deny that being desired by Karlee gave her a boost in confidence when she so desperately needed it.
“Fine, I’ll go.” She sighed. “I just don’t want to intrude.”
Nova looked her in the eye. “You will never, ever be intruding, understand? You’re my best friend and I love you more than anything. Let’s all have a good time and try to take your mind off things.”
Jolie nodded and flopped back down on the pillow.
“Twenty minutes to mope, then you’re done.”
She shut her eyes tightly and willed them to go by quickly.
* * *
An hour later, Jolie and Nova stood outside next to a taxi, bundled in fleece jackets. The air was cool, the sky overcast with gray clouds. Jolie silently thanked whoever or whatever was responsible for the weather. If it had been a nice day, she would have felt compelled to reflect it with her mood. Now, she matched her sulking to the sky’s dullness and figured she had an excuse if anybody gave her a hard time. She wore a pair of hiking boots borrowed from one of the sorority sisters, along with some sweatpants and a shirt that she borrowed from Karlee. The faint lavender scent of the shirt reminded her of being close to Karlee last night, and although it felt terrible to betray Ana like this, she also welcomed the distraction.
Karlee shouted from her open window, “Be down in a minute, you two.” She was way, way too perky for Jolie today.
“Hurry your ass up,” yelled Nova.
Jolie chuckled without joy. “This is going to be an interesting trip.”
The trail was less than an hour away, off a winding mountain road that appeared deserted, save the occasional mailbox next to a long dirt driveway. Jolie hadn’t eaten more than a bite of the breakfast sandwich and was starting to feel like she might throw up. During the ride, she was vaguely aware that Nova and Karlee were trying to distract her with car games, but she couldn’t muster the strength to participate. Instead, she’d rested her forehead on the cold window and stared at the rolling mountains as they passed in the distance.
Karlee and Nova walked ahead of her on the trail, sensing that she needed space. She thought she could hear them whispering about what had happened between her and Ana, but it took too much focus to listen in. Instead, she put all of her brainpower into putting one heavy foot in front of the other. When they reached the summit a half hour later, Karlee handed out peanut butter sandwiches and juice pouches. Jolie ate in silence, peering out into the valley below, studying its geography. A river ran horizontally across the ground, and she wondered if it was the same river that intersected Ana’s property twenty-five miles away. She wondered what Ana was doing, and where she was doing it. Was she getting on with her day as if nothing had happened? Was she as empty as Jolie felt?
Jolie felt her bracelet buzz and opened up the messaging app, hoping it was from Ana and dreading it at the same time. Her heart fell as she saw a message from her mom, concerned that she hadn’t called in over two weeks. Guiltily, she ignored it and resolved to call back later, though she knew she wouldn’t. Ana wasn’t thinking about her at all, or else she’d at least have told her she’d arrived safely.
Karlee glanced at her and did a double take. “Hey, are you okay?” She put her hand on Jolie’s arm.
Jolie felt the blood pulsing through her ears as her head spun.
Karlee pulled her into her shoulder and rubbed her back. Jolie inhaled Karlee’s smell, a mixture of fresh clothing and a hint of sweat. It was nice, safe, different from Ana’s. She so desperately needed nice and safe right now.
“Don’t pass out on us,” Karlee said sweetly into Jolie’s ear, her blond hair tickling Jolie’s cheek. She swatted it away.
Nova patted her shoulder. “You’ll be fine, sweetie. I promise.” She looked at Karlee. “Maybe we should go. She doesn’t look good.”
Karlee nodded and they both scooped Jolie up, steadying her as they started back to the trailhead.
The ride back was quiet. Nova sat in the back seat with Jolie, who fell asleep on her shoulder. When they got back to the sorority house, Jolie wanted to hide in embarrassment. As awful as she felt, she knew she had ruined the hike. She said as much to Nova, who assured her nobody was upset. The three of them retreated to Nova’s room, up two flights of stairs and down a long hallway. Jolie walked across the creaky wooden floor to a bean bag chair and plunked down into it, sinking as far into the fabric as she could.
Nova stood in the doorway. “I’m going to run out and get some much needed comfort foods. Karlee, would you mind staying?”
Jolie weakly protested, “Oh, no, that’s okay, I can be by my—”
“No problem. I’ll be right here.” Karlee turned on the bed to face her. They were alone.
“I’m such an idiot,” Jolie said.
Karlee got up, and sat on the edge of the bean bag. “You are not an idiot. You’re brilliant, gorgeous, and sometimes fun to be around.” She squeezed Jolie’s shoulder.
“I’m sure I was fun to be around last night. What exactly happened?”
“You kissed me. You passed out pretty soon after that.” Karlee looked away.
“I didn’t mean to. I mean, I’m sure I did at the time, but I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable.”
“Jolie, I think you know that I like you.”
“I heard you hooked up with Nova. How did that go?” Suddenly, Jolie found herself needing to make Karlee as uncomfortable as she was hurt. It was unfair, but in her state, she would take any ounce of pleasure.
Karlee looked at her, annoyed. “I know you know the whole story.”
Jolie deflated. “I know. I’m sorry.”
Karlee looked sympathetic. “Ana is an idiot for giving you up. I don’t care what she had planned. I can go kick her ass for you.”
Jolie exhaled sharply. “I’m pretty sure Nova is also interested in doing that.”
“She doesn’t want to see you get hurt, either.”
Jolie looked at Karlee. She really was gorgeous, and probably good in bed, though she couldn’t even remember the kiss, and barely remembered the time they hooked up last year. It was a shame. Karlee deserved more than that. She deserved someone who was attentive and not drunk, and who really liked her. Jolie suddenly found herself mildly interested in being that person, though she knew it was unfair, using Karlee as a rebound. She knew she was a horrible person for this, but she would do anything to be able to imagine that Ana was kissing her again. And what did Karlee care if she liked Jolie in the first place? She reached over and played with stray pieces of blond hair that fell in front of Karlee’s ear. She did want to feel wanted, didn’t she?
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Karlee gave her a paranoid sidelong glance.
“I don’t know.” Jolie looked away, but now Karlee was studying her profile. Jolie turned slowly back to face her. She looked so inviting, her lips slightly parted and her eyes determined. Karlee wanted her. She’d told her as much. Silently, she raised her lips to Karlee’s and kissed her softly. She felt the thrill of kissing someone new, unadulterated by the haze of alcohol. The passion and raw
need she had experienced with Ana was mostly absent, but the feeling was pleasant anyway. Karlee’s chest rose and fell rapidly, and Jolie caught the heat radiating from her body. When she closed her eyes, it was easy to picture Ana there, roughly pulling her closer, needing her as though nothing had happened.
She kissed Karlee harder, moving her hand to Karlee’s smooth neck and pulling her deeper against her mouth. Her mind went blank as Karlee leaned over and straddled her, her hands moving under Jolie’s shirt and over her bra. Karlee’s hands. Ana’s hands.
They didn’t hear the footsteps in the hallway, or the whine of the door opening. Jolie opened her eyes to find a confused Nova standing in the doorway, holding a cloth bag. She quickly broke contact with Karlee and pushed her away.
“Well, this is certainly unexpected,” Nova said. She left the bag on the floor and walked mechanically back to the front of the house.
“Jesus, I have to go talk to her.” Jolie scrambled to get up, but Karlee grabbed her arm.
“Wait.”
“Karlee, I can’t.”
“I know. I get that you’re using me, but as long as I know that, it’s okay, isn’t it?”
Jolie stopped pulling and let her body sag. “It’s not okay. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. Nova—”
“She’s just weirded out, but she’ll get over it. She knows how I feel about you. I made a mistake sleeping with her the first time because I have a thing for you, but it’s fine. We hook up sometimes anyway. She knows everything.”
Jolie shook her head. “What the fuck is wrong with everyone? I have to go find her.” Jolie practically sprinted out of the room, hoping she wasn’t too late.
She found Nova sitting on the porch swing, staring at the street. She didn’t turn around at Jolie sat down beside her.
The Universe Between Us Page 14