Paper Dolls [Book Five]

by Blythe Stone

  And God did I hate knowing that...

  “I’m sorry too,” Avery said. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like that. She just kept asking me questions about why I didn’t ever realize how she felt and how I could want him instead of her and she just doesn’t understand. I already felt responsible for all those things but when she said it I felt even worse like I hated myself all over again.”

  My instinct was to explain Skylar’s actions. To soften the blow. I pushed that right down. Avery didn’t want that. It wouldn’t help.

  “Logically, I know why and how it happened but I can’t make my stupid emotions understand. I’m just sorry. I’m sure she called you and you were worried. I did it again but I didn’t mean to. I tried to go where I thought you’d be so I could find you instead of going somewhere random.”

  “Babe, it’s okay. I’m not asking you to make sense of it. It’s okay.” I just didn’t know what to do with her now. Going over how quickly I got to the school just didn’t seem helpful in the least. Of course I was worried. Of course this sort of thing terrified me but telling her that did nothing for us.

  “You haven’t eaten either,” she said, thinking of me. “We can go.” She seemed nervous though.

  “You’re right though,” I said. “It’s probably better if we just stay and get the day done.” There was still at least an hour until school. Leaving and coming back might stress her out more.

  I could go without eating. That dream sickened me even though I knew I should be starving right now.

  “Do you want to swim or something? Would that help? I’d go with you. Watch…”

  I had already decided to try and be different this time around, make time for myself, be less of a pet. That already felt impossible though. The day hadn’t even started and already I was overwhelmed with the worry over her.

  “No. I don’t care what we do as long as you’re there. We can do whatever you want.”

  “Okay,” I said, worried.

  I took her hand and pulled her to follow me.

  I hated it. Whatever I want?

  She didn’t understand what this felt like. She couldn’t understand.

  I walked us down outside. The sun was so bright but it wasn’t too hot yet.

  I saw Skylar just waiting in the middle of the cement where I’d left her.

  “We’re gonna go eat,” I said, hoping Avery wouldn’t hate me right now for talking to her.

  “Avery, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I didn’t even intend to ask you those things it just happened. Like word vomit before I could even think,” Skylar said.

  “It’s fine,” Avery said. “Probably my fault anyway.”

  I detested that word: fine.

  Every time she said it I hated it.

  “We’re gonna go,” I said, pulling Avery. I didn’t want anything else to upset her right now.

  “Wait,” Avery said, tugging on my hand.

  She squeezed and then let go, walking over to Skylar and just looking at her for a second before she hugged her, whispering something I couldn’t hear. When she let go, Skylar’s eyes were filled with tears and she nodded. I could see her mouth the word no and then Avery turned back to me, stepping back to my side.

  “I’ll see you guys later,” Skylar said, turning back to go into the school.

  I just nodded, trying to hold it together.

  I walked Avery to the car. I wasn’t about to ask her what she said. I didn’t want to upset her or push any buttons.

  Of course I wanted to know what was going on but all her details upset her and she was tender right now. She’d even snapped at me back there. Avery didn’t do that...

  “I asked if she wanted to go with us. She said no,” Avery said.

  “Oh,” I said, letting go of her to get in the car.

  I turned it on quickly and tried to be calm as I pulled out and drove.

  “I promise I’m okay. I’m just sad this happened so quickly. These episodes… Attacks, whatever you want to call them aren’t easy. I’m sure I scared both of you.”

  “It’s really okay,” I said. “I just needed to know you were alright and you are.”

  I turned out of the parking lot and took a U-turn at the light so we could go to the diner up a ways on the corner. I just wanted to feed her and distract her a little.

  Talking was hard right now though.

  Avery always seemed to want to talk but then when I talked I fucked things up.

  It was like walking through a minefield with her sometimes. And I knew I could be the same in some ways but I tried to be very careful with her and still I always set things off and made words dangerous.

  When we got to the diner I parked and got out. She was waiting for me at the front of the car. She took my hand and we went in together.

  There was a middle booth on the right side and they sat us right away.

  “I just need to eat,” I lied.

  I didn’t just need to do anything.

  When the food would come I’d pick at it and have trouble getting it down. I knew myself well.

  “Okay,” she said, deflated and sad. She opened the menu and looked at it, closing it a few seconds later and sitting back, slumping her shoulders and looking out the window at the passing cars.

  “Babe…” It wasn't fair. She backed me into a corner. What was I supposed to do?

  I grabbed her hand on the table and held it as I watched her.

  “Yeah?” She looked over at me and tried to smile.

  “What should I eat?” I asked, smiling. I remembered last night and how perfect she was when she came home to me… “I’m running on pie and kisses,” I reminded.

  “Oh,” she laughed, loosening up a little. “An omelet or a scramble. Something with veggies and eggs. Protein, ya know.”

  “You know I can’t eat much of that,” I laughed. Too heavy.

  I was tempted to order some pathetic looking oatmeal.

  The waitress came by.

  I ordered a Greek omelet with a side of fruit, a small cup of cranberry juice, and some coffee.

  “Just coffee,” Avery said when the waitress turned to her.

  “And, actually can I have some chocolate chip pancakes too?” I asked, being extra annoying.

  As the waitress left Avery gave me a certain look before laughing.

  “And I’ll have to repeat your words or an approximation of them. I won’t be able to eat that, but thank you.”

  “I’m actually not even hungry,” I confessed, shoulders slumping. There was no winning with her. “I just know I have to at least try to eat something.”

  “Yes, like you said, you’re running on pie, which is traditionally not going to get you through the day. Especially, since it was last night.”

  I fixed my coffee and stared off outside. I hated that things were hard right now. It seemed a bad omen.

  My hunger returned somewhere between the silence and the discontent.

  If I had a book right now I would read it but I didn’t want to be rude. I love Avery. I love her so much. But when she says: do what you want. She doesn’t understand that sometimes, with her, I just can’t.

  “I had a horrible dream last night,” I said.

  She turned from the window, brow scrunched. “What was it about?”

  “I was crazy,” I said. “You were my therapist I think.”

  I didn’t need to tell her why I was there in that space. “I had handcuffs on. You weren’t wearing my ring. We were in that place where your mom was. You were trying to make sure I wouldn’t go to prison with the bad people my entire life.” I took a sip of my coffee. “Then I got Skylar’s call… In real life.”

  It was a shit morning. It was super shit.

  There was laughter coming off from behind me. Some other people were having a good day. That made my uncomfortable feelings intensify.

  When the food came I ate quickly. I didn’t care if later it would make me feel even sicker.

  I had to chance it.r />
  “I’m sorry. That’s the worst dream! I hate that. And that’s what you woke up with when you heard what happened?” She twisted her ring on her finger, bending it at the joint to keep it safe. “That’s scary.”

  “I woke up to Skylar saying your name and asking if you were okay. Asking me.”

  “She thought I was with you?” She sighed.

  “It was your phone. Not mine. I was too dazed to check before. I thought it was probably you.” I divided a piece of pancakes and ate it.

  “We really can’t win, can we?” She pushed her half empty coffee cup around in front of her and looked down. “I’m sorry you had to wake up like that.”

  “It’s probably better,” I sighed, not really meaning it. Sometimes my head was worse than my life. “I went into action mode. It flushed the ugly dream away. I was just scared. What if you’d gotten in your car? What if you’d gone somewhere and I couldn’t find you?”

  I didn’t need to ask these questions out loud.

  I sighed.

  “But it’s okay. You didn’t. You’re okay,” I said, pulling my hair back.

  I hadn’t taken a real shower. I hadn’t dressed in a normal way. I hadn’t done anything right. The day was meant to be a mess.

  “It’s not okay though. You could have had a nice leisurely wake up time to get rid of your dream grossness. Instead you had to rush around and worry.”

  “That dream will probably haunt me for a long time,” I said.

  “Sounds like it will. I hate thinking of you like that and me not being there for you in the right way. I love you.”

  “It’s okay,” I said. “I love you too. And my dreams aren’t vivid like yours. They just make me think.”

  I couldn’t say the B word right now. I had to say something though, we’d already sat in uncomfortable silence too long.

  “Doesn’t mean they don’t suck,” she muttered and sipped her coffee.

  “It’s just impossible for me to go about my day after something like this. You expect me to be normal but the situation changes us both. We’re both affected. I can’t just cheer you up. I don’t know how.”

  “I don’t expect you to be normal. I don’t expect anything. Except maybe for you to be here and if you don’t want that then you don’t have to be, but I know. It’s gotta be frustrating. I think you put a lot more on yourself than I do on you.”

  “I just feel like you want or need me to talk,” I said.

  “I don’t. I was quiet. I was letting you dictate the conversation. I didn’t need to talk. It’s fine. I’m literally just trying to get through this day without messing it up even more.”

  “I hate that word so fucking much,” I said, scrunching my forehead. I wasn’t hungry anymore.

  “Which one?” She asked.

  “Fine,” I said. It never meant what it was supposed to mean.

  She said she didn’t need to talk but when I didn’t talk she was far away.

  What were my options? Allow her to drift or annoy the shit out of her?

  Both of those options weren’t good.

  “Noted. Fine is struck from the vocabulary.” Avery said, having more coffee, pouring it from the carafe the waitress left on the table. “I feel like you want me to be a certain way right now. I’m sorry if I’m not… Living up to that.”

  I didn’t say anything. There was nothing I could say. That’s what she’d done to me.

  I gently pushed the plate away from myself and held my forehead in my hands for a second.

  “Okay, look,” I said, looking up at her. “You gave me two options just now, one was to watch you drift and do nothing and the other was to talk and annoy the shit out of you. Which one of those options involved me doing what I wanted to do?”

  I looked down at my bag and pulled a few bills out from my wallet, setting them down.

  “Let’s go,” I said, scooting out to stand. I didn’t want to smell the food and I didn’t have to watch her drift the fuck away again. I’d told myself I’d not be this way this time. I wanted to help but I wasn’t helpful. We’d established that. It had been tested.

  She followed me out of the restaurant, getting into the car and slamming the door. When I got in she was breathing heavy but she turned to me. “What would you have done? What did you want to do?”

  “Babe, I just wanted to be with you and not feel like I was either losing you or fucking everything up. That’s all. You’ve got me stuck between a rock and a hard place and you’re asking me to relax.”

  “You’re not losing me. I was here. I looked out the window a few times but I wasn’t gone. I don't expect anything from you, like I said.” She was quiet for a second. “Well, that’s not exactly true but I didn’t expect you to babysit me or anything. I was even more worried about you.”

  “There’s no reason to be worried about me,” I said. She was so confusing.

  I started the car and moved to drive back to school. I just wanted to not have to talk about this anymore.

  Avery and I had zero classes together and that terrified me. Soon we’d part and we’d be in separate spaces. What was I supposed to do? It’s not like I was making things better for her. She said she wanted to be with me but as soon as she was with me she was obviously still plagued by these other things. I couldn’t talk to her without risking it all getting worse before we parted.

  I really had no good way to get through our situation.

  I turned my car speakers on and tried to let the music calm me. It was “At the Ballet” from A Chorus Line. I began to sing it just to calm myself. I was at a loss for what else to do. I couldn’t handle it. I only hoped I wasn’t freaking Avery out but I knew there was no possible way to avoid that. We were both emotional people. I could be very bad at pretending sometimes.

  When she asked me to be myself she never really meant it. The real me wasn’t calming for her. The real me stressed her the fuck out. But I was out of options now. Out of strength. It wasn’t even 8am and I already wanted the day to be over. I wanted to fold up inside myself and disappear.

  Chapter 3

  Avery

  No matter what I did I seemed to just make it worse for her. When I went into these spaces it was fine. I wasn’t going anywhere. I was just sad. I couldn’t change that. I could be sad and be with her and be happy to be there. It just took awhile to come back.

  She wanted to be herself and talk to me about how she was feeling too and I wanted that. I thought we’d been having a decent time considering what had happened before, her dream and my freak out. I hated that dream for her.

  This was a systemic issue for us. Neither of us were sure of how we were supposed to act when stuff like this happened so we just ended up upsetting one another. I’d have liked it if we could just sit at breakfast and be with each other without even talking.

  She could have even done her favorite thing and read a book while I just tried to recover. Just having her with me made it better, even if she was feeling bad. If she truly wanted to be away then she could. She never believed me.

  I did think that sometimes we needed time. I couldn’t keep trying so hard. It didn’t help either of us. I knew it wasn’t just me. She tried so hard too and we were both probably wrong and both right.

  “Did you bring my phone?” I asked, remembering its existence.

  “Yeah,” she said, pulling it out from her pocket and handing it over to me.

  She was sort of avoiding me now but not really. She just wouldn’t look at me.

  “Thanks,” I said, sighing. “I just didn’t want you to not be able to find me if you needed.”

  I didn’t care about the phone for any other purpose. If she wanted to avoid me she could. It was fine. I didn’t want to push her like she said I always did. Maybe this was the time she wanted pushing, who knew. I was just going to go with what I was feeling rather than second guessing everything.

  “I’ll always find you,” she said, sort of dazed. She pulled the car into the parking lot and parke
d it next to mine. We still had some time.

  She pushed her seat back and laid it down, closing her eyes and softly singing along to the music to calm herself.

  I took off my hoodie, stretching my arms up to the top of the car and then set it across the console, laying my head on her leg and listening to her sing. I was here. “I know you will.” I let my hand rest on her knee and I smoothed my hand over it, making her skin move under my fingers. “Thank you.”