Paper Dolls [Book Five]

by Blythe Stone

  “Shhhh,” she said quietly. I felt her fingers from her right hand smooth into my hair as she held my other hand in hers and soothed us both.

  I didn't say anything else, just listened to her sing and relaxed. At least we had this. We both felt like shit but we still needed each other.

  We sat like that for at least a half hour while the music played and she pet me.

  I knew it was time to go when she pulled the seat back up but I didn’t want to move. She was comfortable. Even though goosebumps dotted my arms I didn’t want to leave. We were safe.

  “Do you want to go?” I asked.

  “Not really,” she said. “But we should.”

  “Okay,” I said, sitting up finally and, pushing my hair out of my face.

  When I picked up my hoodie it was warm from me laying on it. At least I felt less cold when I got it on. I looked over at her.

  “I’m going to text you, okay?”

  I didn’t want to break the connection completely.

  “Kiss me,” she said, worried. I felt her hands pulling me in by the fabric of my hoodie. It reminded me a little of Nat and made me smile. She was being aggressive.

  “Yes, my Queen.” She pulled me in and I kissed her, not letting her go when we should have stopped for air. She needed to know I was all hers.

  “I’ll miss you,” I said, moving my fingers over her cheek.

  “I’ll miss you more,” she said, trying to open her eyes and catch her breath.

  “Doubtful,” I said, shaking my head.

  The day was going to drag. I knew that. I just wanted to get it started already so I could be bored while thinking about her. I wish I’d brought my journal. It would look better if I was at least writing something in class.

  “I guess we should go,” I said, leaning away and trying to unwind myself from her slowly.

  I opened the door and put a foot outside, still touching her arm. As I leaned back across, I let her go, knowing I still had a few minutes with her as we walked in. She met me around the other side of the car and took my hand. I brushed my thumb over the ring I’d given her and remembered what she’d told me about her dream.

  Would it be better to just let it lie or to ask her about it? I wondered if there was more to the dream that she hadn’t said. I’d gotten a summary. As much as she tried to say it wasn’t as vivid, I knew what dreams did to the mind.

  “See you at lunch?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” she nodded, a small spot of fear in her that I could definitely taste. She held up her phone and twisted it to remind me she had it.

  “I’ll text you and send you stupid snapchats. I’m not going anywhere.” I pulled her in, wrapping my arms around her shoulders and kissing her hard. I didn’t care that people were streaming by and watching. They could fuck off for all I cared.

  When I stepped back, her eyes were a bit glazed. “I love you, you weirdo.”

  She laughed once my words registered. I watched her bob her head and purse her lips to try and stop the blush that came over her. “I love you too,” she said, all serious and a bit mad beneath all that happiness. “Now, get away,” she pushed lovingly. “You’re smothering me.” It was an easy way to deal.

  “Mmm,” I said kissing her again. “But it would be a good way to die,” I sighed, wishing I could stay with her.

  I turned around, trying not to look back. I knew I’d show how unhappy I was. When I let go of her hand I knew I wouldn’t see her for hours and that shouldn’t be a big deal. Today, it was.

  I walked down the hall, passing all the people I’d been around for three years. I didn’t know some of them but they knew who I was. Especially now that Olivia and I were together. People talked and we never listened.

  I got to my class and sat in the back, not even bothering to bring anything but a pen. It was Lit and I’d just borrow some paper from someone. There were always extra books behind the teacher’s desk. I’d ask her or borrow one of those from someone else too.

  I knew the material and we were likely to just have time to finish our reading anyway.

  I took out my phone and put it under my desk, where I could see it but it was less likely that anyone would notice. I clicked on Snapchat and took a pic of me looking sad and sent it. Then I brought up my texting app.

  Avery: See! Miss you more.

  I probably was smothering her somehow so I stuck my phone in the front pocket of my hoodie and didn’t mess with it for awhile. Instead, I leaned over to the girl next to me.

  “Hey, can I borrow some paper.” I asked.

  She unclipped the rings on her binder and handed me some sheets. I thanked her and set it on my desk, knowing that nothing related to Norman Mailer or the book we were reading was going to be put down in words there. I would write Olivia a letter like she’d taught me to do back in Napa.

  Olivia,

  Life sucks. That’s what I have been taught. Until I met you I thought it would always be that way. It still sucks but it’s less. I actually see the bright spots. You probably think you just make it worse. Even when you’re saying things that freak me out I know I still have you. I’m sorry my reactions make you feel isolated and like I’m not with you.

  I’m with you. My heart always is there. It’s my mind that’s sick. I want to ask you to go with me to the therapist or at least to talk to them by yourself. I think we both need it. I want us to come out of this whole thing stronger and with each other.

  If you don’t want to it’s okay. Really, it won’t be a big deal. You won’t disappoint me. You don’t. I kind of think you hang the moon, the stars, and all nine planets. (Yes, I count Pluto.) I don’t know if you remember that sometimes so I felt the need to remind you.

  I hope you tell me more about your dream if you want to talk about it. It sounds terrifying and I know you didn’t tell me all of it so just know I’m there for you when you want to tell me, if you want to tell me. I’ll be okay. It’s about you, not me.

  Sometimes my trauma gets in the way. I don’t want you to think I forget you because of that. I still want to take care of you always. Even if right now I might need a little more taking care of myself. Sad but true.

  I think we met at the exact right and the exact wrong time. I’m not at my best and so you get to see the worst before it gets better. I say the worst, hoping that it’s true. I don’t know what the trial will bring out. I do know that testifying is going to suck. Seeing his face and knowing that he’s listening to everything and reliving it with me.

  He’ll probably get pleasure out of that at the same time it’s hurting him. I’ll just be sad and hope that I don’t freak. I’ll also understand if it makes you uncomfortable, mad, scared, and every other emotion you could think of that’s negative. I know you won’t take my advice but I really do wish you would be okay with not being there or leaving if it’s too much.

  Asking you that might make you feel bad but I care about you being okay and if you’re not then I’m going to take care of you and we will have your mom and my parents too. This is starting to get all babble-ish so I’ll just end it.

  I like writing you letters so maybe I’ll keep doing it if you like it too. You don’t have to write me back. I just felt like letting you know I was thinking about you and needed something to do besides listening to the teacher talk about historicized novels. Ugh. Love you forever.

  Avery.

  Classes went by slow and I paid very little attention, only bringing books to my Calculus class. It was right before lunch. I spent the whole fifty minutes running my fingers over the letter in my pocket and wishing that my phone would vibrate.

  When the bell rang I jumped up, slamming my book closed and stuffing it into my bag. I’d been to my locker to get all the things I’d left there over spring break, including all my books and my messenger bag. Of course, this was the only class I had homework in because no one else cared and most of my class grades depended on a final project anyway.

  I followed the other kids out and walked
quickly down the hall to where she should be waiting for me. She stood, arms crossed, trapped in the middle of a throng of students. Seems the stream of hungry people had caught her. I fought through and grabbed her hand, pulling her toward the stairs.

  “Hey,” I said, pulling her through the door and to the side.

  Neither of us had brought lunch of course. We would either have to go down and get something from the cafeteria or hurry to some fast food place.

  “You hungry or do you feel bad from breakfast?”

  “I just want to sit with you,” she said.

  “Okay,” I said. “Let’s go down to the car.”

  I had no need to be around anyone else. We went with the flow of foot traffic down the stairs but parted from all the others going toward the cafeteria and lounge. I stopped close to the library.

  “Unless you’d rather sit in the gazebo.”

  The doors on the other side of the library opened up into a courtyard where no one ever went. To the side there was a gazebo covered in vines. It looked like it was out of an Arthurian legend.

  “Well,” she sighed. “If we go to the car I’m just going to pull you in the back and attack you for a half hour so maybe it’s best to be decent?” She wasn’t sure.

  “Um, you just made this really hard and really easy,” I complained.

  I really wanted her to attack me. I also wanted to just be with her. “I want both,” I whined.

  She turned into me and pulled my face to hers, kissing me hungrily to show me she wasn’t kidding.

  “To the car,” I said when I pulled back.

  My hormones had now taken over. I took off, jogging with her behind me. “Oops,” I said, slowing a little.

  The parking lot wasn’t busy. Everyone who had left was gone already and we had an advantage. The super dark tinted windows of Olivia’s car would hide us from prying eyes.

  When we got to the car she unlocked it and I opened the door to the back, motioning for her to get in.

  She ducked in and scooted back inside, pulling me in by my hoodie until I fell ontop of her, door closing naturally in my wake.

  “Please just make me forget all those hours apart,” she asked, pulling me into her and kissing me hard.

  It was a seamless flow from me falling to her kissing me. She was so smooth without even trying. I kissed her back and buried my hands in her hair. It was far better than sitting in class. I dreaded the day when we had to spend more than three hours apart at a time.

  We might actually devour each other if we were apart for a week or even a day. She moved her hands underneath my hoodie and tank top, making me shudder when she touched my skin. Her hands were cool and practiced.

  “Mmm,” I switched to kissing her jaw and then down to her neck. “This might take awhile.”

  “I’m fine with that,” she said, hands tangled up in my hair as she lazily held me in that way that let me know I was doing everything right.

  I reached a hand up and gathered my hair, tossing it away to the side and moving her head back once it was out of the way. I wanted more access. My tongue swirled on her skin and I sucked it in, biting a little and letting it go after.

  “I wrote you a letter,” I said, between kisses.

  “Fuck,” she panted, feeling me too much. “What about?” She asked, trying to be conscious through all the much-needed pleasure.

  “Stuff. You’ll see when I give it to you.” I kept quiet, taking no pity on her neck and eventually switching sides by pulling her head over with one hand.

  “We’re gonna miss our class,” I said, knowing that once we really got started thirty minutes wouldn’t be enough. “Not that I care.”

  “I want you so much,” she said desperately. I felt her hands on my skin beneath my tank.

  I leaned up and pulled the hoodie and the tank top off and lay back down on her.

  “Is that better?” She’d been pushing at my clothes the whole time.

  “Yes,” she panted, eyes already glossy and dilated. Her hands moved up my skin and felt my naked back.

  I pulled at her top, trying to get her to come up so I could pull it off too. When she did I almost ripped it in my haste but after a second I managed to get it off and throw it onto the floor.

  The air of danger and possibility of getting caught only gave me a little thrill and not much hesitation. Right now, I just wanted to feel. I wasn’t a stranger to sex at school anyway.

  “Touch me,” I said, not even caring where or how.

  She wrapped her legs around my body and moved her hands being generous and touching me everywhere, putting pressure all over me and squeezing me tight. When one of her hands made it up behind my neck and came into my hair I felt her kissing my face and heard her gasp at the over-all presence of me. “You feel so good, baby,” she said. “Every time I get to touch you it’s like we’re still back at the lodge.”

  She found my lips and made me kiss her slow and deep. I felt her legs tighten as I pressed into her out of habit and she gasped in my mouth still refusing to pull away and breathe.

  I stopped first, pulling back to breathe a little and to try and handle how she was touching me. It was a lot after my sensory shutdown this morning.

  “I love your voice,” I whispered close to her ear.

  I moved my knee into her center and waited to see her reaction as I rocked against her.

  Her gasp was a lot more surprised and intense. It halfway sounded like a scream with no one clear sustained pitch, her voice disappeared halfway into screaming and just dissolving into thin air. I felt her nails dig into the skin of my upper arms as she instinctively braced herself to be able to take me.

  “Shhh,” I said, kissing her and moving against her again. I wondered how long it would take before I could make her cum like this.

  “I am so yours,” she whispered weakly. “This is all I could think about while I was in class.”

  “Really?” I moved back, trying to get better access to her with my hands.

  “I kept remembering Napa, kept daydreaming,” she confessed through gasping. “Kept thinking about this, about what you would do with me here if you had me. All I could think about was how I felt stupid I hadn’t just done this with you instead of going to eat for breakfast. Fucking you always clears my head,” she said.

  “That’s an excellent side effect,” I gasped.

  When I pushed her underwear aside I felt her warmth and delved in, sure that it would make her incapable of answering.

  She cried out as I pushed into her, her whole body moved, back arching and ribs rising beneath me as she reacted so obviously affected in every way.

  “Yes, baby, please!” She cried, holding me to her as I pushed into her again. “I need you,” she cried.

  I didn’t want to bang her head or anything so I tried not to get too carried away and move her too much. I went slow and deep, wanting to feel her everywhere inside. She continued to make noises, digging into my back with her nails. I loved it. That little bit of pain made me want her even more.

  “You kill me,” I whispered, watching her face change as I kept going.

  Her eyes rolled back. It was too good. Slow was always better with her. I was stretching it out and watching her get lost in me. I was taking away all of her strength and I knew she wanted that. “Avery,” she whispered weakly, barely able to speak and asking me to keep going. “I love you,” she said, the weakness in her voice was definitely breaking me.

  “I love you too.” Olivia and I had different types of sex. I’m sure everyone does but I had these categories to put things in and this was therapeutic sex. We needed to feel each other and the connection we always came back to when things rocked us emotionally.

  It was necessary. I dragged this one out, wanting it to feel this way for as long as possible without stopping. I needed to see her eyes so I rose up and looked down.

  “Baby,” I called.

  Her eyes flicked open and her head turned toward me. She bit her lip as I cont
inued to move inside her.

  “I just wanted to see you,” I told her, moving a little quicker when I saw all the devotion in her. She didn’t speak but her eyes got wider and she started to convulse around my fingers. I rode it out with her, leaning down to kiss her as she came.

  Those last few seconds when she finally looked at me I could see how much fear of losing me she really had. We were the same in that regard but so very different in how we handled it. I held her close, waiting for her to calm a little before I pulled my fingers out and smiled into her neck.