Paper Dolls [Book Five]

by Blythe Stone

  Olivia: So… I think I need to go to therapy because of all this Ben stuff.

  My phone immediately began to ring and I felt stress.

  “Where are you?” My mother sounded stern but I knew now that her stern voice was more about wanting to take care of me. A lot had changed with us since I met Avery. My mom was a gift.

  “Just at a cafe,” I said. “I’m fine. I just know I need to talk about this stuff with someone who isn’t Avery.”

  “I’ll arrange it,” she said sadly. I liked that she knew I didn’t mean any of this was about her.

  “Sorry I waited so long to tell you.”

  “I’m just glad you told me.”

  “I know I can talk to you, I’d just feel better if it were a stranger I think.”

  “God knows I talk to my therapist about it,” my mom laughed a bitter worried laugh.

  “Avery has PTSD…”

  “What?” She wasn’t expecting that. Luckily it made me feel a little less stupid.

  “Ya know,” I laughed bitterly. “She’d been so distant… Before Napa… I thought it meant I wasn’t interesting enough.”

  “Olivia…” My mother’s tone always felt somewhat physical in the way it could punch. Her voice breathed pity and it hit me all the way through the physical distance of my body being here and her body being there.

  “I know. I was stupid,” I said. “Of course it was about what he did to her, right? Sometimes I feel like I’m eight years old, like I haven’t grown at all since Mr. Castro died and I couldn’t play piano anymore.”

  “We’ll find a way to handle all of this,” my mother said, ever the hero.

  “She has nightmares,” I said. “Nightmares that feel so real that when she wakes she’s extremely confused.”

  “I wish I could take them,” my mother said, almost vacantly.

  “And we still have that stupid trial.” Just voicing it hurt. There was so much yet to come.

  “Should I meet you for breakfast?” She asked, worried.

  “No,” I sighed. “I’m going to head back to school early to try and catch the counselor. I know its bad form but I want to see if she’ll talk to me about Avery. All I know is what Avery tells me and what Avery tells me obviously isn’t enough.”

  “Maybe you two should spend some time apart.”

  “No,” I said, feeling how adamant I knew I had to be on that. Avery needed me.

  “Alright,” my mother sighed with worry. “But has anything happened? To you?”

  “We talk in circles sometimes. I feel crazier than I’m used to feeling. I worry I’m making things worse… For her… It’s my biggest fear.”

  “You’re not crazy,” my mother said.

  I laughed.

  “We’ll see I guess.” There was no silver-lining here.

  “You’re not,” she insisted.

  “Okay,” I said, trying to let it sink in and become some definitive.

  I caught the glimpse of a familiar form at the door. I’d seen her here before, after all.

  “I gotta go,” I mumbled.

  Her eyes saw me before I even had a chance to consider my choices.

  “You stay right there,” Skylar pointed as she walked past me. She looked like she’d come straight from the pool.

  I watched her walk up to the counter and order something and wait. She looked back at me gravely, wanting to make sure I hadn’t left.

  I tried to focus on my book but it was no use now. I closed the damn thing and ate a bit of my muffin while I waited.

  Skylar slid into my booth across from me. She seemed tarried and I knew why. She’d become thinner. She looked worn. The many days since that kiss had obviously been brutal for her.

  “Hey,” I said, breaking the ice.

  “Hey,” she said back, taking a big sip of her coffee before allowing herself to look up.

  “I’m sorry about yesterday,” I said. “I would’ve comforted you when I saw you if I wasn’t so worried about all the things Avery could potentially do to herself.”

  “You’re too nice to me Olivia,” Skylar said, almost angry about it.

  “What?”

  “If you’d done what I did I would’ve hated you.”

  “Oh,” I said, realizing. “The kiss you mean?”

  “Of course,” Sky said glumly.

  “Unlike some people, I don’t really take signs of love as these huge negative acts.”

  “Yeah but you’re engaged. Weren’t you at least a little bit upset?”

  “Of course!” I scoffed, anger exiting me, a little too freely. I gathered myself.

  “There are just bigger things going on,” I said, feeling heavy. “I wanted Avery to know about your feelings. In some ways the kiss was a bit of a relief in the end. My secret about it felt like a betrayal. I hated it for months.”

  “Another reason you should be mean to me now.”

  “I’m not that fucking basic,” I spat, looking over at her and knowing that she wasn’t that fucking basic either. “I know you’re happy that Avery’s happier. I know that, Sky.”

  She smiled to herself.

  “What?” I asked. Why’d she even sit down with me?

  “Nothing. It’s just cute, you called me Sky. Not many people do that. Not even Avery sometimes.”

  “Why are you here?” I wondered.

  “I don’t want to make her life hard,” Skylar said. “Soon as I saw her reaction to me being at practice I knew I should just get out and go. I’m quitting the team. I’ll talk to the coach today. Avery needs swim for her scholarship. I don’t. It’ll be one less thing for her to worry about. Maybe then I’ll feel like less of a pariah. I can’t stand the way her whole body changes when she sees me now. It kills me inside. I’m worse than nothing to her. I’m a villain.”

  “Why can’t you just both be on the team?”

  “I’ve broken her trust,” Skylar said. “I’ve made her feel like our whole friendship was nothing more than some big lie.”

  “I’ve tried telling her that’s not the case,” I expressed.

  “It doesn’t matter. She’s been hurt enough. Adam… Her parents… Ben… I was supposed to be different. Safe.”

  “Great, so now you’re super guilty and upset too,” I noticed.

  “I just know I fucked up and it’s irreversible.” She wasn’t looking for pity. She was being honest.

  “I want to say she just needs time but you’re right, she has taken it as a betrayal,” I admitted. “We’re different, her and I. It’s hard for me to see love as anything other than good.”

  “I’m sure she thinks it wasn’t love though,” Skylar sighed bitterly. “To her I risked your relationship. I was selfish. To her it was a dangerous power play.”

  “When you put it like that it does sound pretty bad,” I teased.

  “It was bad,” she said frankly. “And I don’t know why you’ve been defending me.”

  “I could easily see being you,” I said. “What if I’d been the one to meet her and hold my feelings inside?”

  “It doesn’t work that way,” Skylar laughed bitterly.

  “Maybe not,” I said. “But we can never know…”

  “Yeaaaah, I really shouldn’t be allowed to talk to you,” she laughed. “You break my brain a little. I dunno how she survives.”

  I pursed my lips and felt the sting. Skylar hadn’t meant to insult but those words came at a bad time.

  “Olivia, I was kidding,” she said, noticing.

  “I worry about that though,” I said. “I can’t laugh about it. It’s hard to talk to her about anything it seems.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Ben really fucked her up,” I said bitterly. “I guess I just didn’t know how badly until now.”

  “Yeah well, you were his pet, doesn’t that mean he fucked you up too?”

  “No,” I said. “At least, not in the same way. What I’m dealing with is guilt. What she’s dealing with is a genuine nightmare.”
/>   “I wish I could help,” Skylar said.

  “So do I,” I dazed.

  “You’re helping,” Skylar said.

  “I dunno,” I sighed. Avery said I helped but a lot of times I just made her upset.

  “You are,” she said. “There’s a reason she hasn’t left your side.”

  “Probably sex,” I joked.

  “Fuck you,” Skylar laughed loudly. “Okay, Jesus, that’s probably the first time I’ve really laughed since that party.”

  “You don’t have to patch anything up with me,” I said, she kept bringing it up. “I was never really mad at you. I know what that must’ve felt like, just as I know you must have tremendous regret and guilt for not knowing about Ben. In a lot of ways we’re the same.”

  “Basic ways,” she teased, staring across from me and making me smile.

  Her eyes fell onto my books on the table. One of them was very obvious: The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook: A Guide to Healing, Recovery, and Growth. I got nervous and pulled it under the table, tucking it silently next to me on top of the bench.

  “Shit,” Skylar sighed, tears springing to her eyes.

  “I told you- it’s bad,” I said.

  “Do you ever just want to set a person on fire?” She seemed stunned, her face both angry and perplexed. I saw blankness there, like she’d left her body and gone somewhere else.

  “Sometimes,” I confessed. I knew what she was feeling. I knew it so well. She was talking about Ben.

  “Okay,” she said, taking in a deep breath and letting it out. She came back from that dark place. She forced herself to act natural. I watched her drink from her coffee cup. She was clearly uncomfortable.

  “So... We’re getting married on her birthday,” I said, changing the subject.

  She nearly choked.

  “I bet she’s happy,” Skylar beamed, letting out an amused laugh.

  “She is,” I confirmed. “But I have no idea what to do.”

  “Avery likes clichés,” Skylar teased, a dreamy look on her face.

  “Oh, so you’ve thought about a wedding with her?” I asked, seeing a hint of something there.

  “Oh, often,” Skylar mused. “I’ve had dreams actually, a lot of them. Long sunsets on beaches after full days in the sun. Both of us in white dresses. You know, those blurry, soft focus, kind of dreams.”

  I burst out into laughter.

  “God, you two are perfect for each other!” I joked.

  Weddings were alright. I think I only wanted one because I knew she wanted one. I didn’t really dream about it. Sure I could plan things and find ideas appealing but all I wanted was to see her happy. When I looked at dresses and thought up the places we could go all I really imagined was how Avery would feel about all that, how it would overwhelm her in a good way, how I could give her one good day. I dunno if that’s strange or not but it certainly is true.

  “We’re too similar,” Skylar reminded, her eyebrows raised.

  “I was thinking of doing a woodland wedding,” I said. “We haven’t gotten a chance to talk about it. I don’t really know what she wants but I’d want something small, intimate.”

  “It’d be beautiful,” Skylar said, no doubt imagining it a bit tragically with me in her stead.

  “Do you think she’d like that?”

  “I know she would,” Skylar said. “Avery loves nature. That natural light. The smell of the pine…”

  “She’d probably want to spend the honeymoon camping,” Skylar laughed. “Proving to you that she could catch dinner and make a fire and keep you safe.”

  “That, does, sound like her,” I realized. Skylar had her down to a t.

  “You could make love under the Milky Way,” she sighed, dazed.

  “Earth to Skylar?!” I leaned forward and snapped my fingers a few times right in front of her face.

  “Have I mentioned I’m jealous?” She scoffed awkwardly, coming to. “I really am jealous.”

  “I get it,” I said. I couldn’t blame her for that.

  She pushed at her wet hair, running her fingers through it.

  “I like being your friend,” I said. It was easier to be friends with someone who was honest. None of Avery’s other friends were really real with me, not like this.

  “You’re crazy,” Sky said.

  “Probably,” I remembered.

  “I meant, I don’t deserve you,” she said.

  “You do,” I said. It didn’t matter. I knew Skylar was essential in keeping Avery alive all that time I wasn’t around.

  “Yeah well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

  “Guess so,” I said.

  She didn’t stay with me long after that. I really do think she came just to tell me about quitting swim. How she knew I was there was a gamble. I think she wanted me to know in case Avery asked. It was obvious though, she really did think I should hate her.

  I packed up my stuff, bought Avery a coffee, and went back to the school.

  Avery was happy to see me but I didn’t tell her about my mom or about Skylar.

  My mom sent me a text around 7:30.

  Mom: Gallaway & Sunderson. 3:35pm. Vivianne Sunderson will take you if you want. My therapist recommended her highly. She’s younger, more relatable.

  Olivia: I’ll go, Mom. Thanks.

  “What was that?” Avery asked.

  “Nothing,” I said, shaking my head. She hadn’t seen the screen, just heard the buzz. “My mom wants me to meet someone later. You’ll be at practice though. It’ll be fine.”

  I kinda wanted to keep it a secret for a bit. I knew it could go badly and set me off. I didn’t want Avery to have to think about my mental health all fucking day.

  I helped her with her math and got her to laugh A LOT by way of teasing. I kept telling her she was acute and she kept not getting it and asking me why I was saying that so much.

  Once she went off to first period I ducked off in the direction of the offices and made my way to the counselor in hopes that she’d be in.

  When I knocked on the counselor's door I was met with a hand pulling the door open and then a person who seemed somewhat brand new.

  “Olivia?” She remembered my name.

  “Hi, yes. I was wondering if you had a minute to talk.”

  “Always,” she said, pulling her hair back into a clip and letting out a sigh. “Come in.”

  I’d been standing awkwardly on the threshold of entering.

  “Your hesitation speaks volumes,” she laughed, taking my hand and pulling me in.

  She shut the door behind me and motioned her hand to the couch. “Sit,” she said. “Is this about you?”

  “Maybe,” I said. She was right. I was hesitant.

  “Avery then?”

  “Both,” I said, eyes trailing down. I wasn’t usually like this with other people. I was usually good at playing the games. I had to ask myself if maybe I wanted to be vulnerable now, for Avery, for her.

  “Avery told me last week. About how you told her she had PTSD,” I explained.

  “Oh,” Mrs. Daniels said, registering the news.

  “I- I hadn’t known about that,” I stuttered. “I hadn’t known you suggested treatment. I hadn’t known about her dreams. I- I thought she was distant because I wasn’t as interesting as she maybe first found me to be. I was wrong. But, I want to know how to help her.”

  “Alright,” Mrs. Daniels said, reaching over to a pocket on the wall that held several pamphlets. “So,” she said. “I want to congratulate you, first off. For realizing that there’s no harm in asking for help. That’s a huge step, one many people may never overcome. So, congratulations on that. Now,” she said, handing me a pamphlet. “I want to thank you for coming to me. You can trust me. I am here for you. Any time.” She flipped the pamphlet over and I noticed a little sticker on the back with her name on it and a phone number. “That’s my personal number. If you ever need someone to talk to, or feel threatened, or just need help, you can always ca
ll. I keep that phone on me at all times. Don’t ever hesitate. No matter how small or insignificant you may think something is, it’s always important to me.”