Under the surface

by Jaye Cox

  “Where are we?” she questions me.

  “This is my house.” I say, waiting for her reaction, maybe this was a bad idea.

  “This is the place you bought me to when we first met?”

  “Yes.” I confirm.

  “Why are we here now? Is Harlow here?”

  “No, this is the house I bought for Amanda. I couldn’t come here alone before now. That night was the first time since she died I’d ever been back and I don’t know why I decided to bring you back here, but at the time it felt right. I have decided Amanda wanted to make this a home for our baby, and that is what I want to do. But I need you to be with me just this once, is that okay?”

  “Of course it’s okay; you were there for me when I really needed someone, and if this is how I can be there for you, then let’s do this.”

  We walk inside slowly and everything looks exactly how we had left it before the wedding. I walk slowly through the house and Ruby follows encouragingly behind me. The lounge room is still untouched; and the kitchen still has the boxes on the floor. I walk down the hallway and the main bedroom, our bedroom - still has the candles set up on the bedside tables and the nursery still has all the baby things intact. The only room that has been used is the spare room, from that night I had bought Ruby back here. It’s hard seeing everything as it was left, imagining life as it was supposed to be.

  “I’m sorry Dex, I need a minute.” She says leaving the room. I find her in the spare room sitting on the bed.

  “Are you alright?” I ask sitting, beside her on the bed - but as I sit she stands and starts pacing.

  “No, I’m not, I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I was fine until I met you and now I have all these damn emotions, and I’m being a selfish bitch raving on about me when this day was for you. But being here, in this house you bought to spend your life with Amanda and Harlow in, as well as that picture in your wallet; makes me feel stupid. How do I compete for someone’s feelings when they’re not here to compete against? And if she were, I wouldn’t have even gotten a second glance from you. This is the crazy shit I have been thinking about - but I’m falling for you and I can’t stop it, I have tried. Shit, I have gone for so many years without feelings, but seeing Harlow was the last straw, that cracked my barriers open.” She says before she stops pacing and looks at me.

  I don’t know what to do, I was afraid this would happen, that I would hurt and destroy her. “I miss everything about her; her hair on my pillow, her smell, her crazy organisation, the way she tucked the sheets on the bed so tight you couldn’t breathe, the way she looked at me - like I was the king of the fucking world. Tell me, how do I move on from that? I can’t let you in and you can’t be here telling me you have these feelings. I can’t feel for you, when I still miss everything about her. I just can’t let her go.” I say, putting my head in my hands, I can’t look at her. I know I have done this, and I should have kept my distance; but I thought we were both on the same page, I thought she could handle it.

  “I would never ask you to forget her or not miss her. I would help you keep her memories alive, and we can build on those memories too. I want to be right here when you miss her, so please just let me in. I’m not trying to replace her in your heart, I’m just asking to share it with her.” She says kneeling in front of me. She lifts my shirt to run her hand over Amanda’s name tattooed over my heart.

  Could I really be with Ruby and give her the love she deserves, all the while I still love Amanda? How is that even remotely possible? And if it is possible, is it fair to Ruby, knowing she will never have 100% of my heart? Panicking, I just need a minute to think; to clear my thoughts, so I apologise to Ruby and leave the room. I’m confused because I do have strong and emotional feelings for Ruby, but it’s so different to what I still feel for Amanda. Clarity hits and I know I have got to talk to Amanda for just a few minutes; to explain and to tell her I want to try to be with Ruby. But she has to know I don’t love her any less, maybe my heart can swell to include Ruby. Maybe it’s stupid having to go now, but I have to do it now, or I never will.

  Being rejected sucks ass. One thing about burying all your feelings, is you never care about rejection. I can’t face him right now, I just put my heart in his hands and now I feel abandoned, just like I did all those years ago. Sliding the window open, I hope I can sneak out without being noticed and have a few minutes head start before he notices. I make it outside before I hear Dex start his bike and take off down the street. Not only was I rejected, but he actually left me in the house he bought for his family? I consider calling Ty but decide against it; he will want to talk and I don’t want to talk. I want to cry, even scream or punch something. I decide the walk home would do me good and give me time to clear my head. On the way home, I come across a little park and sit up against a tree. Once again Ty was right, but not in the way he thought. It’s usually men that get close to me and then I run so I don’t have to deal with it, because it’s easier for me that way. After a call to my best friend Taylor, she lets me know I always have a place to stay if I go back. But oddly enough, I don’t want to run from this. As much as it feels like crap being on the receiving end of rejection, it’s nice not wanting to run. It’s started to rain, not heavy but a light sprinkle. I decide I better start on my way home before it starts pelting down. I make it home cold and wet. Walking inside, I call out and it seems like no one is here, which is nice. I need to change out of my soaking wet clothes.

  Holy fucking shitballs, mother fucker!” I curse; I walked into my room I walked straight past Dex, and didn’t notice him until I saw something move from the corner of my eye. “Why are you here? I can’t do this with you right now.”

  “I’m not leaving until you hear me out.” He retorts.

  “Fine! Then I will leave!” I say, as I storm out of my room and out the front door.

  “Ruby! Stop, please come back and listen to me.”

  “No,” I say turning around and striding back towards him, “you listen to me. I understand why you were freaked out and it’s okay, this doesn’t have to ruin our friendship; but I’m pissed off you just left me - without saying anything; because that hurt after being rejected. That really sucks by the way, always getting left behind, like I don’t matter.”

  “You stubborn woman, will you listen to me? I’m sorry I left you. I realised I like you a lot and I had to tell Amanda first; I know that might sound strange, but I needed to go to her and sort it all out in my head. I didn’t want you to ever feel like you were second best to her - because even though I still love her, I need to try with you. Ever since you have come into my life I have been happy, I don’t feel so broken anymore, I can’t stand here and promise you forever, but I want to try and take it day by day, little baby steps.”

  “You really want to try?”

  “Hold on, let me do this the right way, come inside.” He says, holding my hand all the way inside. He lets my hand go and goes into the kitchen, I see him rustling around in a drawer for something and I have no clue what he is doing. After a few minutes he comes back out with a folded piece of paper and hands it to me. Opening the paper I read it – it makes me laugh, he is such a dork. It says: will you go out with me? With three boxes reading YES-NO- MAYBE- under them. What a dork, but it is so adorable, I turn to look at him to see if he is serious. He keeps his serious face on and hands me a pencil, I turn around and tick yes and give it back to him.

  “What’s going on here?” Ty asks, walking through the front door.

  I hand Dex back the paper and he opens it and turns to Ty. “What’s going on is Ruby has agreed to be my girlfriend.” I’m smiling like an idiot, I’ve never been anyone’s girlfriend before. I know we need to take this slow; we are both so fragmented, we need to heal along the way. We will always bear the scars of our pasts. And that’s something that won’t change. We both turn and look at Ty to watch his reaction. Dex knows how important Ty’s opinion is to me, and I wouldn’t do this unless I have his blessing
; people might think it’s strange, but when you have no one and find someone who will love you no matter what and will stand by you; well that’s important.

  “It’s about time,” is all he says. Is he serious? “I’m happy for you both, I know I can be a pain but I had to make sure you wanted this. I know you both and you both deserve to be happy - but Dex I’m warning you; if you hurt my sister, you will have to deal with me.” Ty says, matter of factly.

  “If I hurt her, I would rather deal with you; an angry Ruby terrifies me,” he says.

  “Hey, I’m not that bad.” I complain.

  Ty turns to me and I know he wants to talk about what happened earlier, before I ran off with Dex. I really can’t avoid it forever. It also means I can tell both Ty and Dex at the same time, it isn’t something I like to re-hash over and over again.

  “Can we all go and sit down? There is something I want to tell you both about my past.” I say, and they both go and sit down. As a precaution, I make them both promise to let me finish before they say anything - I look at Ty and he agrees, but I know my brother, so I make him pinky swear - yes a pinky swear at our age! Dex is looking at us like we just grew two heads.

  “You know everything that happened at the Robinson’s, Ty. Dex, at the Robinson’s, basically David happened, but Ty took us to Razor’s and once we got there things were okay for a while. I thought David was following me around; I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure, but Razor offered to deal with it because he didn’t want me to burden Ty with my past. And Ty, you know how much I hated Razor, but that night he came back and told me it was done, and David would leave me alone. Things between us got physical and before I knew it, we were sleeping together and I kept going back, even though he treated everyone around him like shit. In those few moments, I got to see him as a different person and it felt nice to be in control of my body.”

  “After a while, I told him we had to stop sleeping together, and I was in love with someone else, but he didn’t like that. He forced me to tell him, it was his friend, Lector. He made Lector come in the room and for me to tell him how I felt, I was so mortified. Lector didn’t say anything at first; he wouldn’t, his loyalty was to Razor and always would be. He looked me in the eyes and told me I was a stupid little girl who imagined it all; and maybe I was, who knows now.” I pause and take a deep breath, it’s not easy retelling this. “A week after I stopped sleeping with Razor, I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock I couldn’t understand how it was even possible; I had been on the pill. I really wanted to tell you Ty.” I look at Ty to try and make him see I am sincerely sorry… “But Razor deserved to know first, I had expected him to be pissed, but he was beyond mad. He told me I was a slut and had been sleeping around with Lector behind his back, even though I knew I hadn’t. He told me if I told you he would kill me, and enjoy every minute of it. So I left. I was sixteen and I knew if I told you I was pregnant, you would have left with me and wanted me to keep the baby. But you were fifteen, and finally had your real family. I couldn’t take that away from you, even though Razor’s a disgusting human being, he loved you and I felt like I was bringing you down. Lector drove me to the bus stop and gave me enough money to get away and have an abortion. I couldn’t have been a mother that young, I couldn’t even look after myself. Lector did tell me before he left that he was sorry for how he spoke to me, but his loyalty is to Razor for life and wished things were different. So from that day on, I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t tell anyone about what happened with me and Razor, and I would never feel anything for any man, ever again. I felt so betrayed after David, and then what happened with Razor and Lector. I left that day and got an abortion, it has taken years for me to be okay with that. I even convinced myself I hated kids, that I never wanted any - but truthfully, I didn’t think it was fair for me to bring another life into the world when my first wasn’t good enough.” I look up and see Ty is angry. He gets up and starts to walk to the door and I go to get up and follow him, I need him to understand how sorry I am for keeping this from him.

  “Don’t, just give him a minute, that’s a lot for him to process.” Dex says quietly, and I know he’s right. I have just dumped a lot on him just now. Dex pulls me into his arms and doesn’t say anything. He just holds me and sweetly kisses the top of my head. Ty comes back inside and I can see he’s been crying.

  “I’m sorry Ty, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

  “I’m sorry you had to go through all of that on your own, I want to be pissed you didn’t tell me. We made a deal the day we left the Robinson’s, it was us against the world. I should have known better than to have trusted Razor; I was so happy I had some blood family left, and look how that all turned out,” he says. I know he loves Rayne and is only talking about Razor, but so much has happened this past year.

  “Everything happens for a reason Ty, you have said that to me forever and look, I didn’t believe you until I moved back here - but look at us now.”

  “You’re right, we do have it pretty sweet.”

  “What about David?” Dex asks.

  “David stayed away for a while, but now he’s back. I have thought over the years he has been watching me, but I would tell myself I was just being paranoid.”

  “Sam thinks you should go and make a statement, and Dex also.” Ty says.

  “Of course she does.” I say. How would she know making a statement would help people like David just disappear?

  “I think it’s a good idea, at least if he ever comes near you again they can arrest him.” Dex says.

  “I will think about it, how about we all go join Jash at Paulie’s for a Sunday Jam.

  “Why not, I could use a beer right now.” Ty says.

  Ty takes his own car, and Dex and I take his bike. He says he isn’t drinking today, he has to talk with his sister about Harlow.

  Once we’re walking into Paulie’s, Dex reaches for my hand; gives it a small squeeze and gives me a slight smile, he must be as nervous as I am; taking a deep breath in as we head through the doors. Jash is in our usual spot with two girls hanging on his every word. Paulie’s has a jam session on Sundays, where anyone is free to get up and sing, local bands usually come and play. I hear a familiar beat start and I look over to the stage, its Joe, starting to sing what I presume is one of the Aussie hip hop songs he listens to. We walk over and sit with Jash and his two bimbos. Ty has wandered off and is talking to a girl over by the bar, she doesn’t look comfortable with him talking to her. Jash is just sitting there smiling at me, like a one man freak show.

  “Stop already, freak.” I say.

  “Nope, I’m going to keep doing this until you say it.” Jash says.

  “Say what?” Dex asks.

  “That I was right all along.” Jash says.

  “Were not.” I snap back.

  “Was so.”

  “Was not.” I say, and we go on like that for a good minute.

  “Okay children, I’m going to get some beers, be nice while I’m gone.” Dex says.

  Joe finishes his song and comes over and says hi before going to play pool with Paulie. Dex finally comes back with our beers. I see Oliver and Lizzy walk in and Dex must see them at the same time as I do.

  “Fuck, I hate that guy,” he mumbles under his breath.

  “Oliver’s a nice guy if you just give him a chance.”

  “He only lets you see what he wants you to see.”

  “Dex doesn’t like him because he feels threatened, the guy has the hots for you.” Jash says.

  “Shut your face.” Dex throws at him.

  “Oliver doesn’t have the hots for me.” I say.

  They both look at me as if to say are you fucking serious! Oliver comes to sit with us while Lizzy bounces over to Joe. Dex puts his hand on my leg as Oliver sits down, I smirk and shake my head. Normally something like that would piss me off; trying to act all manly and stake his claim, but I will give him this one if it makes him feel better. After hello’s and a grunt
from Dex, Jash and Oliver start chatting about bands and chicks. Jash is very interested in the women that come with his job. Joe and Lizzy come over to the table and Paulie goes back on stage after the last performer.

  “Ladies and gents, we don’t have anyone else signed up, and if no one else is wanting to sing then we might call it a night.”

  “Ruby, should sing!” Joe yells out, and I snap my head to look at him, giving him a silent but deadly shut the fuck up look. I shake my head no.

  Paulie starts chanting ‘Ruby’ and everyone joins in. Nothing like a bit of peer pressure to motivate me. “Fine, one song.” I say, getting up from my seat. As I walk past Joe, I slap him in the back of the head and tell him he is dead meat. There isn’t a huge crowd here, this eases my nerves as I walk up onto the stage. I have been practicing a song I found on YouTube, it’s not my usual style, but it’s a nice song to sing. Pulling the seat up to the keyboards, I adjust the mic. “Hi, I’m Ruby, and my friends want you all to hear my terrible singing voice, so please throw those rotten tomatoes at the guys sitting in corner table. This song I heard the other day and loved it, so here it is – Yours by Elle Henderson. I close my eyes and let loose; when I close my eyes and sing I lose the world, and that’s what I like about it. When I look up from the keyboards, I see that Dex is staring at me; he is the first person since Ty that can see the real me, the girl behind all the makeup and hair dye and tattoos. He doesn’t see the Ruby everyone else does, he just sees ME. He doesn’t break eye contact. He isn’t ashamed or embarrassed that I’m pouring my heart out on stage.

  After meeting Dex, I thought he’d broken through all the barriers I had put up over the years - and maybe it did. But counteracting that; Meeting him has started to put all those shattered pieces back together again. I know I can never be the same girl I use to be, I will still have cracks that will never be able to be completely fixed. But this feeling I have gives me hope, one day soon it will only be cracks showing, and not the million shattered pieces on the floor I try to hide behind this mask.