Under the surface

by Jaye Cox

  I need to stop messing with her feelings, it’s not fair on either of us. I hate to admit it, but Oliver might be the better choice for her. He can give her more than I can. Walking to the front of the shop I catch movement inside and I stop, she is with a fucking guy. Why does this bother me so much? Yeah, I like her, she is a cool enough chick, but this feeling in the pit of my stomach really bothers me. I don’t do emotions and all that crap anymore. Just to torture myself, I take another look just to remind myself feelings are bullshit, and when you feel you will get burnt. When I look this time, she looks straight into my eyes, I don’t see enjoyment like I do on his face, I see our old friend FEAR, and I know it well. I don’t stop to think it over, I barge my way through the door. The guy has the nerve to tell me to piss off because they are busy, Ruby has not moved and she is just standing there looking at me, stupified.

  “Are you fucking deaf or just plain stupid?” The guy spits out.

  “No, and this is how this will go down; you will get the fuck away from her and walk your slimy ass out of here. Now! Because I will only say this once before I throw you out.” The fucker laughs at me. Seriously? Does he think I’m joking? Or maybe, just maybe he is the stupid one. Fuck this shit, I walk upright in his face snarling, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” is all I say before I head-butt him.

  Immediately he has blood pissing out of his nose, then the idiot tries to charge at me, big mistake. I have been training with Morris for years and have learned quite a few things. I let him get in a few swings to tire himself out before I take him down. He may be bigger than me, but the way I see it; the bigger they are, the harder they fall. He scrambles up from the floor and starts to back away.

  “This isn’t over, Rubz.” He says through a mouthful of blood.

  “I assure you this IS over, and it would be in your best interest to leave and never come back.” I threaten. He leaves a trail of blood behind as he leaves the shop.

  Oh god, he called her Rubz, maybe he is the reason it bothered her when I called her that, Fuck I’m a dick.

  She is still frozen on the spot; I know she hates to be touched, so I approach her cautiously “Hey Ruby, I’m going to take you home.” I reach for her hand, but she is just standing there, dazed and incoherent.

  “I’m going to carry you to your car, okay?” Still nothing. So I grab keys from her bag, I know she left her car here when she left with Oliver earlier this afternoon. I pick her up over my shoulder and punch in the security code on the way out of the shop door. She is freaking me out, I have never seen her like this before. She is usually an in your face kind of person.

  After buckling her in, I drive her in her piece of shit car back to her house. She is crying now but just silently, so silently only the tears are there. After parking I go around and pick her up again, but this time I’m able to put one arm under her legs and one around her back and cradle her into my body. She is still out of it and not talking.

  I remember after Amanda died, I was in shock and Winnie ran me a bath and it helped calm me down. Maybe it will work for Ruby or maybe she will figuratively kick me in the nuts again. I just know I need to try something to get her out of this paralysis. With her still curled up in my arms, I run her a warm bubble bath; its bit difficult, but I manage. Standing her on her feet and leaning against the wall and I take a deep breath an unzip the leather suit and slide it off her body inch by inch, the colour of her skin is amazing in the dimmed lights of the bathroom. My god she is beautiful, and she is not wearing a bra. I squat down before my thoughts can go elsewhere and lift her feet to take off her shoes and slide her feet out of the suit. She still has not moved or spoken a word, so I take off my jacket and once again I pick her up and she curls herself in my arms. Shit, I really haven’t thought this through on how I would get her in the bath, so I just get in with her, fully dressed besides slipping off my shoes. She sits between my legs and I pull her back against the security of my body. I’m not sure how long we sit there in total silence, but I can feel the bath water is starting to cool off.

  “Thank you,” is all she says. Slipping out from behind her I strip out of my wet clothes and wrap a towel around my waist. I open up another fluffy towel and hold it up for her, she climbs out slowly and then I wrap her in the towel.

  “Will you stay with me tonight?” she asks.

  “Of course I will, let’s get you dried off and into bed.” I say as I take her hand and she follows behind me. She gets herself a shirt and some lacy panties, I turn around so she can get changed, I don’t want her to think I’m invading her privacy. When I turn back around she is sitting on the edge of her bed, so I walk over and sit next to her.

  “Lay with me, just for a little bit.” She pleads. I lie down beside her and she rolls on her side and puts my arm over her waist.

  “I don’t know what happened tonight, but if you need to talk, I’m here.”

  “Tell me something please, just anything, I can’t be in my head anymore.”

  Fuck, I don’t know what to tell her so I decide to tell her about Amanda. Maybe it will be good to trust someone with her memories, and maybe she will trust me enough to tell me hers. I need to know who the guy was - but tonight’s maybe not the best time to ask.

  “I remember my wedding day like it was yesterday, Amanda was beautiful in her dress with her big belly. It was the most beautiful wedding, she had made everything so perfect. We were going to this bed and breakfast after the ceremony and I remember getting us into the car and Snow Patrol was playing. Still on a high we were singing along, I took my eyes off the road for maybe two seconds.” Ruby tightens her grip on my hand. “I remember seeing headlights coming through Amanda’s window, it’s like it all replays in slow motion over and over again in my head. From the impact of the other car, to Amanda’s body looking like a rag doll as she hit her head on the dash; she didn’t try and save herself, her hands were cradling her stomach. Even staring death in the face, she sacrificed herself to save our daughter.” Ruby rolls over and is staring at me. I keep going because it seems to be working, and it actually feels good to tell someone how I have felt since that day. “I don’t remember us getting to the hospital, it’s like I remember flashes of what happened. Everyone was there; our family, friends, her brother Romeo was pacing, their sister was crying, my sister was crying. All I could do was sit there and pray it was all a nightmare. This was my wedding day and shit like this wasn’t real, it only happened in movies. One minute I am staring at the ER doors, and the next Sam comes flying in, begging me to tell her Amanda is okay; Jesus, I still have nightmares about her pleading with me, the fear in her eyes and the blood curdling screams that came when I told her it didn’t looked good. The next part I can remember is of the doctor telling me I have to fucking choose – between my wife and my unborn child. When he said it I could hear him, but it was like an echo of his voice over and over. Sarah saying we could have another child, Sam yelling at her that Amanda would rather die and to save her child - that she would hate me for saving her and not the baby. Both of the choices were selfish; let her die so she didn’t hate me, or save her because I needed her. I had no time to think but knew deep in my heart she would hate me, I couldn’t let her hate me. My next memory is of me running, to nowhere, just running until I couldn’t run anymore. Afterwards, I went to see the baby. I sat there numb staring at this little baby just lying there, not knowing she just lost her mother. I sang to her and she opened her eyes and looked at me and I just couldn’t be her loving father, I resented her – I resented she had lived and she was the reason my Amanda would hate me. What hurts the most and no matter how hard I try, I can’t remember what the last words I said to her were. I had always imagined I would take her wrinkled hand in mine and kiss it and with my dying breath I would let her know how much I treasured our life together; but now it’s the one thing I regret, if she really knew how much I treasured her.

  The funeral was a blur and after that I started drinking all day - I just didn�
�t care. After nearly a month of drinking and crying, Sam intervened. She’d had enough and stormed into my room and slapped me silly to sober me a little, then gave me a letter from Amanda. After that, I picked myself up and threw myself into work instead of drinking. Winnie, bless her heart, brought Harlow to see me, but it wasn’t until her first birthday I could look at her and not feel jealous she had lived. Now I feel like a complete failure, because for that first whole year I bitterly resented my daughter. And still after three years, it still hurts so badly. I realised no matter what she needed one person, and I needed that to be me. You made me realise she only needs one person, she is my little Humming Bird, and I want her back so bad. I’m just scared I won’t live up to the father Amanda thought I would be.” When I finish she is still looking at me, and not with a look of pity, but gratitude, that I shared my past with her just so she could forget hers.

  “He used to rape me when I was a girl.” She says, and looks down like she should be ashamed. I put my fingers under her chin and made her look at me.

  “I didn’t expect you to tell me anything, it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me.”

  “I was fifteen when I met Ty and he stood up to him for me; he beat him and then took me away. He always shows up again - but never like today, usually only enough so I know he is back around again. I thought coming back to be near Ty, things would be different and he wouldn’t follow me.”

  “Does Ty know about him always showing up?” I query.

  “No, I never told him, he has done enough saving me from him, getting me away and looking after me. I already owe him so much.”

  Now I know why she lets him get his own way all the time. She yawns and looks beat. “Let’s go to sleep, unless you want me to leave.”

  “No, please stay, I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

  It’s morning and I wake up to feel something soft against my hard cock, it’s so pleasant I think I will just enjoy the feeling for a bit longer. That is until I remember where I am and what had actually happened last night. I immediately open my eyes to find Ruby’s ass is pushed back against my cock. I peer under the covers and I can see I’m naked; I had a towel wrapped around me last night - I swear I did. She moves her ass a bit more and she runs her hand down my side. Fuck, she is awake and has now felt my morning wood on her ass. She is taking control and our Ruby is back; so in celebration, I run my hand over her hip and along her panties, then I dip one finger inside the fabric and this makes her push her ass hard into my cock.

  “We should stop Ruby. I still can’t give you more than this, and I know you don’t really want just this.”

  She cuts me off, “I need you inside me, screw everything else.”

  Not willing to question it; she isn't a stupid girl with delusions we will be together, she knows what this is. I flip her over onto her back and she looks at me with come on - fuck me now eyes. I lean my body over hers and put myself under the blanket.

  Here I was having no intention of things ending up this way this morning and now my head is between her thighs. She is like a drug I can’t get enough of.

  I have loved Amanda with every inch of my existence, right down to the bottom of my soul and I feel her loss grinding away at my bones. I ache for her every day and in every way. But now, being around Ruby has made me feel alive, and feeling is not something I have done much of during the last few years. I go through the motions of day to day living and do things I know I have to, but the day Ruby walked into my life – everything changed. How do I fit her into my life? I know I still love Amanda, and part of me always will. But when I’m with Ruby, the pain slowly disappears and my heart doesn’t ache during those short periods of time we spend together. She has made me realise I need to be strong and not necessarily move on; but move forward and embrace the shitty hand I have been dealt, and give Harlow the life she deserves.

  The way she tastes makes a muffled groan escape my throat, she must like the feeling of the vibration on her pussy because she grabs the back of my head and thrusts her hips upwards. I take that as a hint she likes what I’m doing. The more I flick my tongue over her clit, the louder her moans get. When I know she is close I slide two fingers inside her and work my magic, rubbing her G spot at the same time as I suck on her clit, this sends her over the edge and I feel her body clench and shudder around my fingers. I almost come all over her sheets at the sound she makes as she cums, it’s fucking sexy as sin. “Wow, good morning.” I say, coming up from under the sheet.

  “That is definitely the only way a morning should start.” She says with a smile on her face.

  “Are you alright after last night?” I ask. I need to know she will be okay.

  “I’m fine, I’m sorry you had to see me that way,” she says.

  “Just glad I got there before anything else happened.” I say. I can tell she is uncomfortable talking about this because she changes the subject really quickly.

  “I better call Ty, he will be worried I never came back last night. I’m surprised he didn’t turn up and bash the door in last night.”

  “I texted Jash and asked him to let Ty know you were with me and that everything was fine. Before you punch me in my junk for getting you in shit with your brother, I didn’t know if you wanted him to know what happened.”

  “Thanks. I will tell him but not now, he will go nuts and I’m not in the mood to hash things out with Ty today. There is so much he doesn’t know that I need to explain to him.”

  “Will you go to the police?” I ask.

  “What’s the point? He didn’t hurt me and the only one who has proof he was hurt is David, you could get the shit for hitting him.”

  “Hey, I have a nice bruise on my check and a busted lip, maybe you should kiss it better.” I say, pouting my bottom lip towards her.

  “Should I really?” She says, rolling her body on top of mine. “Should I kiss here?” She asks, kissing my cheek, “and here?” She says lightly kissing my lips. My cock instantly goes rock hard again and I grab her around her waist and flip her over onto her back and position myself between her legs, then my damn phone rings. I lean over to the bed side table and grab my phone and see its Winnie’s face lighting up the screen.

  “Sorry beautiful, but I need to take this.” I say before answering the phone. “Hey Winnie, what’s up? Shit, yeah I’m on my way. I know, but can we not fight about this right now, I will explain later. Okay bye.” I have forgotten I promised Harlow I would take her to Amanda’s grave today. I wasn’t expecting last night to be so full on and I know Winnie will understand, but Harlow won’t.

  “I have to go, I promised Harlow I would take her to Amanda’s grave today and Winnie is pissed.”

  “Go, you didn’t need to stay with me last night when you had plans with your daughter.”

  “I really did need to stay, I care about you and you needed me. I just got distracted and lost track of time, that’s all.”

  I’m glad I put my wet clothes in the dryer after Ruby went to sleep last night. It might have been awkward going home naked. I wrap the towel around my waist again and go get my clothes from the laundry. Once I’m dressed, I text Robbie the address and she says she will be here in ten minutes. I ask her not to bring Winnie. I don’t need the lecture all the way home about being responsible now, since I want to start taking Harlow a few nights a week to ease her into coming back to live with me. I let Ruby know I will be back in a few hours because I need to take her somewhere. She is back under the covers and just groans an okay when I tell her I will see her later. On my way out, I bump into Ty coming in, I tell him good luck getting her up. I don’t miss him looking me up and down when he notices I’m still wearing the same clothes from last night. I see Robbie pull up and run out to the car.

  Visiting Amanda’s grave again was easier than last time, and it made what I need to do today a lot easier. I knew there would come a time when I had to make a decision, and today I have no doubt I’m making the right one. Pulling back up at Ruby’s,
I see Ty is still here and also see a police car in the drive way. I start to panic thinking maybe he has come back for her and I should not have left her alone, but because I know Ty was there, I reassure myself she’s fine. Before I can even get my helmet off, I see Ruby running towards me. She whips on the spare helmet and tells me to go and fucking quick.

  Not hesitating, I do as she demands and we take off, but what the hell just happened? I feel like we are making a getaway and will have the cops coming after us any minute now. Once we are away from the house, I pull over at the park to make sure everything is okay. “What the hell was that?” I demand.

  “When Ty arrived, I told him about last night and he totally flipped out and next thing I know I have the cops at the house. Not any cop, fucking Sam! Can you believe he would call her, and then expect me to talk to her? Ty gave her a play by play, but I can’t take it anymore. I have to tell him about his brother, Razor.

  “You knew Razor” I questioned?

  “Yeah, I moved with Ty into Razor’s house. It was okay for a while, until things got intense between Razor and I. It’s complicated, but now it’s time Ty knows, and I’m not sure how he will deal with it.”

  “Are you sure you’re up for coming out with me?”

  “I’m sure now - let’s go. I’m curious as to where we are going.” She says, putting her helmet back on and I do the same. It’s not far to where we are going and once I pull up, Ruby looks around and I can tell she’s confused.