by ADAMS, J.
I nodded, not able to speak at the moment, unable to express to him everything that was in my heart. I finally pressed my lips lightly to his. “I love you so much,” I whispered.
He continued to hold me, his eyes roaming over my face. When more tears began to spill down my cheeks, he lowered his head and immediately wove a spell over me with a warm, driven kiss. A kiss that completely gave to me, sinking into my every sense and making me long for the day when I would be completely his.
When his mouth finally released mine, he smiled and said, “I love you, woman.” He put me down, took off his hat, and wiped an arm across his forehead. Then he flashed that adorable grin of his. “I was about ready to come and get you, you know.”
Forcing myself not to feel guilty about my reason for being late, namely the phone call from the agency, I grinned back. “Impatient today, aren't we?” I said playfully.
“Dang straight, woman. Ain't you learned yet that you don't keep a man in love waiting?”
“I'm sorry,” I said, smiling coyly. “I promise I'll make it up to you.”
“Yeah, you will,” he agreed, slipping an arm around me as we walked back toward the fence. “Just as soon as you become Mrs. McKade.”
I nudged him in the ribs and he laughed. I slipped my hand in the back pocket of his worn jeans as we walked. “So, how much longer?”
“Probably another hour, maybe less.”
“Need any help?”
“The only way you can help me, darlin', is by just standing there and giving me something beautiful to look at from time to time.”
I was speechless. He had no idea how deeply his words had affected me. I quickly brushed a sudden tear away, hoping he wouldn't notice, but he did.
“Hey,” he said, stopping and taking my chin in his hand. “What is it?”
I quickly smiled. “Nothing. I'm just looking forward to being your wife.”
“And I'm looking forward to being your husband,” he drawled, pressing a quick kiss to my lips. He looked at me for another moment, and I could almost feel him trying to read my thoughts, like he knew there was something wrong, only he didn't know what.
“Come on,” I said, brightening and shoved him. “Quit slacking on the job and get going.”
“I'll show you who's slacking.” I took off running, but with his long stride, I didn't even make it a couple of yards before he caught me. He quickly picked me up, slinging me over his shoulder.
“Put me down!” I yelled, laughing.
“I can't, darlin'. Not enough straw around here.”
“You!” I growled and he chuckled. Oh, how I loved him!
Sometimes claiming a new life can be as painful as it was joyful leaving the old one behind.
Twelve
After Hayden went home and showered and changed, we packed a picnic dinner, hopped into his truck, and headed to Lea Lake at the Bottomless Lakes State Park. The first time Hayden took me there, I completely fell in love with the place, so we went back as often as we could. Lea Lake was my favorite of the lakes because the water was crystal clear. I always imagined a whole enchanted underworld when I gazed into its depths. A world of mermaids and water nymphs with flowing hair spilling behind them as they swam through magical crevices, over mountainous crests, and through glittering stone arches. I could sit by the water for hours and let my imagination carry me away. It truly was a beautiful lake.
Hayden had told me the lakes weren't really bottomless. They just looked that way because of the greenish blue color that came from algae and other plants at the bottom. He said the lakes really were no more than ninety feet deep. I told him that to me, especially since I couldn't swim well, that was bottomless. In any case, I was anxious to be there again with him.
I sat in the middle of the seat close to Hayden as we enjoyed the scenic drive. We filled the time with talk of our wedding and everything we still needed to do to get ready.
“So, when is your mama flying in?”
“Friday at two in the afternoon, which gives me a day to help get her room ready at Caroline's.”
He squeezed my hand and pressed it to his lips. “You pretty excited to see her?”
“I am.” I couldn't help smiling as I thought of Mama's reaction to my announcement that I was getting married again. She didn't lecture me or drill me with a thousand questions. She only asked three. Did I love Hayden? Did he love me? Would he make me happy? I answered yes to all three, and that was that.
“Well, at least you'll reach your goal of getting her out here.”
“That's true. And all I had to do is get engaged.”
“Is that all?” he said, putting his arm around me.
I leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I can't think of a better reason.”
“Neither can I. But I can think of a better announcement, only we have to get married before we can make that happen.”
I smiled, instantly warmed. “I look forward to having your babies, Hayden.”
“They'll be beautiful, that's for sure.”
Nodding, I pressed my head against his shoulder and thought about how much I longed to be the mother of his children. I had always wanted children, but the intense and deep love I felt for Hayden made my desire to be a mother even greater. I had no doubt he would be a wonderful father. I sighed deeply and let my thoughts continue as we settled into a comfortable silence.
After a few moments, my cell phone rang. I reached into my purse and mentally swore when the agency's number appeared on the ID screen. To say I was hesitant to answer was an understatement.
“You gonna answer that?” Hayden asked when it rang a third time.
I did my best to smile nonchalantly and pressed the button. My voice sounded strained when I answered, despite my best efforts.
“Sorry to call you back so soon, Raine,” Andrea said quickly, “but Ebersole is waiting for an answer . . . like right now. They are anxious to get going on this. I know you haven't had much time to think about it, but we really need an answer. And please let it be yes.”
I sighed and glanced over at Hayden who seemed to be looking at me more than the road.
“I can't, Andrea,” I finally said. “I've made my decision and I'm set on it. My life is here.” When I said the last, Hayden moved his arm from around me and rested his hand on his thigh. I looked at him as he stared straight ahead, his expression unreadable.
“I'm sorry, Andrea, but I have to go.” I could tell she was annoyed with me, but at the moment I didn't care. One day I would try to help her understand my decision, but for now, I owed Hayden an explanation before he jumped to the wrong conclusion.
“So,” he finally said after a minute, “you wanna to tell me what that was about?”
I looked at him and nodded. “Could we wait until we get there?”
“Fine,” was his solitary reply.
Except for the country music station Hayden turned on to fill the silence, nothing else was said until we reached the lake.
A hurt of the heart is as indescribable as verbally painting a picture of a sunset for a person who has never seen color.
Thirteen
We were sitting on a blanket, each of us holding a cup of lemonade, when I began to tell Hayden about the call. I told him about the offer and what my decision had been. Through my whole explanation, he hadn't said a word. He just continued to stare out over the lake. When I finally finished, he surprised me by turning to look at me. My own eyes had never left his face the entire time.
“So, why didn't you tell me this morning?” Even as he asked, I saw something in his face that wasn't there before. I saw a storm brewing behind those beautiful gray eyes.
“I didn't say anything because I had already made up my mind. I don't want the job.”
He heaved a deep sigh and pushed a hand back through his long tousled hair. “Well, at least now I know what was wrong when you came out earlier.”
When he became silent again, I hurried on. “Hayden, listen to me. Reall
y listen. My mind was made up as soon as she asked me. There was no question as to what I would say.” I touched his arm. My life is here, with you.” I took his large hand in mine. “You are the most important thing in the world to me.”
“That's a lot of money, Raine. You sure you can turn it down just like that? I mean, you must have at least considered it.”
I tucked a spiraled lock behind my ear, wishing I had brought something to tie my hair back. But then again, Hayden loved it when I wore my hair down.
“Truthfully, I was flattered. No, actually flattered is an understatement. I was seriously thrown for a loop to be made such an offer. But I was never tempted.”
Hayden tossed a pebble out across the water. “Still, you didn't tell me.” He looked at me. “I feel like you were purposely keeping it from me.”
“I wasn't keeping anything from you,” I said, not liking the way that sounded. I sighed painfully. “Hayden, please don't accuse me of something I'm not guilty of. I love you and I would never try to keep anything from you. It just wasn't important to me. If I had truly been considering it, believe me, you would've been the first to know.”
He drew his long, lean legs up and wrapped his arms around his knees. After a couple of moments filled with agonizing silence, he said, “I don't wanna hold you back, Raine. I don't wanna be the reason you give up that kind of money.”
My heart was suddenly hammering in my chest. I couldn't believe he was saying these things. Trying to keep my voice calm, I said, “You're not holding me back. Give me a little more credit, will you? If I had wanted the job, I would have taken it. But I didn't.” When his expression didn't change, I started to get a little angry. “When I really want to do something, Hayden, no one will keep me from doing it.”
“What's that supposed to mean?” he asked, anger entering his voice as well.
“It means that I love you and I don't want to leave, and no amount of money or position will make me leave. I don't need it, and I don't want it. I only want you.” I paused. “You're what I need.”
He said nothing, but I saw a flicker of softening in his eyes. Taking advantage of that moment, I moved closer and touched his face. “I love you, Hayden.” He remained silent and my frustration worked its way to the surface once more. “Please don't push me away. I didn't do anything wrong and I don't deserve this.”
He turned to me then, and I was startled by the hard look in his eyes. “No, you don't deserve this. You deserve better, a lot better than me.” He stood. “Call them back and take the job, Raine. We can call everything off.”
My heart instantly dropped. “What do you mean?” My voice cracked. “What are you saying?”
“I mean I'm not gonna stand in your way. You deserve a lot better than me and this kind of life. You can have better if you go back.”
I felt tears threatening, but I refused to let them come. I couldn't understand how things had come to this. How could two phone calls change our lives? Our plans? I stood up and moved to stand in front of him.
For a second, the conversation I had with Caroline earlier came back to me, but I quickly pushed it away. In my mind it couldn't be that simple. There had to be more to it and I was beginning to feel too angry to think rationally.
“This isn't about money, Hayden and you know it. I don't need money. This is about you pushing me away. I don't know why, but you are. You said you loved me. You said you wanted to marry me more than anything. Have you changed your mind? Are you having second thoughts? Are you suddenly scared to make the commitment? I mean, it's like . . . like this is your way of getting out of marrying me, of getting rid of me.”
He said nothing but continued to look out over the lake, the furrow in his handsome brow deepening. At another time, I would long to lift my fingers and smooth it away.
Taken aback by his continued silence, another thought suddenly came to me. A thought that was so painful, yet to me, seemed so likely, I suddenly felt cold. I again pushed the intruding conversation with Caroline aside, coming to my own conclusions. That 'getting some attitude' emotion I had managed to rein in through the years was ready to cut loose. I felt the straps breaking. My eyes narrowed slightly as I looked up at him. Then I snorted, which I could tell definitely took him off guard.
“So, I guess you've dabbled in a little brown sugar and decided you'd rather go back to white. The new flavor has lost its excitement. Is that it?”
He winced as if he'd been slapped. “That's not how it is with me, Raine. You know that.”
“I thought I knew you. I thought I knew you better than anyone, but I guess I was wrong.” I paused, trying to keep a strong hold on my emotions, but I was quickly losing the battle. Even still, I was determined to keep my pride in tact. I pressed my palm against my forehead and shook my head. “I can't believe this,” I muttered under my breath. “You know, in some ways you're no different than Jerome.”
His piercing gaze snapped to mine and I saw anger flashing in his eyes. “Woman, don't you dare compare me to him! I would never cheat on you or treat you the way he did!”
“No, you wouldn't cheat on me, but you sure know how to make me feel the same way he did! Oh, I'm fine to make out and get your kicks with, maybe even eventually sleep with, but not good enough to commit to.”
“That's not true, Raine.” His voice broke slightly. “I could never use you that way. I just think this is for the best.”
“What's for the best exactly? Telling me you don't want me before you end up stuck with me? Is that what you mean?” I took a deep breath and pressed my lips together tightly. I suddenly felt tired, and I needed to be away from him. I silently emptied the cups and put them back in the basket. Then I picked up the blanket and folded it. “Take me back, please.”
He closed his eyes and sighed. “I never meant to hurt you, Raine.”
Yeah, whatever. “I'm done talking. Just take me back.”
If pain could be buried in a hole in the ground, the earth would be dead.
Fourteen
The ride back to the ranch was completely silent. When we reached Caroline's, I said nothing as I got out. There was nothing left to say. But as I watched Hayden take off up the driveway toward his house, I felt him literally yank my heart away and take it with him. And I knew I would never get it back.
I was numb as I entered the house. Caroline met me in the hallway. She took one look at my face and knew something had happened. Saying nothing, she took my hand and guided me to the living room. It wasn't until we sat on the couch and she put her arms around me that I began to fall apart. Once the tears started, I couldn't seem to stop them.
Caroline held me and rocked me while I cried. I couldn't believe this was happening. Hayden had completely pushed me away. For some reason he didn't want me anymore, and now I just wanted to die. I had never experienced anything so excruciatingly painful in my life. I loved him so much and I didn't know how I would be able to live without him. Even though I had been married before, Hayden truly was, without a doubt, my first love, and he would be my only one. There was no one else in the world for me but him.
When I could finally stop crying enough to speak, the only thing I was able to get out was, “Hayden doesn't want me anymore. He told me to go back to Atlanta.” Just saying it brought more tears.
“What happened?” Caroline asked, handing me a box of tissue from the end table.
It was still another full minute before I could speak again. Then I told her about the second phone call and how upset Hayden was because I hadn't told him. I told her everything that was said between us.
By the time I was done, I felt a little relief having gotten it all out, but the pain was still prominent and cut through me like a knife.
“Raine, I want you to listen to me,” Caroline said, taking my hand. “It's like I told you this morning. That man is scared, pure and simple. He's scared of losing you.”
I sniffed and wiped my eyes. “I know what you said, but how can I believe that? He just spent a ha
lf an hour telling me to go back to Atlanta and take the job. I tried and tried to tell him that I didn't care about the job, but he wouldn't listen.”
“That's because he's running scared. He's trying to make you leave now because he thinks he'll eventually lose you anyway.” She sighed. “I know Hayden, Raine. I've been around him long enough to know what makes him tick. And as sure as I'm sitting here I know he's feeling that you'll one day get tired of this life and want to go back. So if he makes you want to leave now, it will save him the heartache of dealing with it later. I know it doesn't make any sense to you, but it does to him, and right now he's so scared of losing you, he's not thinking rationally, even though he thinks he is. I thought he was all right after our talk last night, but apparently I was wrong.”
I closed my eyes and shook my head in frustration. “Can't he see that I love him too much to ever leave him? Doesn't he have any faith in me at all?”
“Faith doesn't have anything to do with his decision, Raine. That man has always been alone. And while I know he has had an experience or two with other women, you're the first one to truly not just turn his head, but turn his heart, too. You own that man, Raine, heart and soul. This is the first time in his life he has ever been in love. It's the first time he has ever been committed to anyone.”
“You mean was committed.”
“I mean is, only he doesn't realize it yet. But he will.”
“So am I supposed to just wait for him until he finally realizes it?”
“If that's what it takes.”
“I don't know if I can, Caroline. How can I stay here, be here where he is and not be with him? It would tear me apart to see him every day. It would be too uncertain.” I chuckled bitterly. “I guess Jerome was right.”
“Right about what?” Caroline huffed. “I can't imagine that man ever being right about anything.”
“He called me earlier to give me his unsolicited, yet coveted opinion on my decision not to go back to the agency.” I shook my head as tears again filled my eyes. “He said he would give us a year, or rather he would give me a year before I got tired and wanted out of this life. Ironically, it's Hayden throwing in the towel, not me.”