by ADAMS, J.
“Oh, Jerome can go suck on a cow pie!” she spat angrily.
I smiled. As always, Caroline's words concerning Jerome were choice. I heaved a deep sigh, not knowing which way to turn or what to do. “How do I do this, Caroline?”
She was quiet a moment before she spoke again. She looked into my eyes intently. “I know everything seems uncertain, but how much do you love him, Raine? How much are you willing to risk? Is he worth taking the chance?”
Her last question stopped me cold and caused me to think. I had already given up the chance to have something that had at one time been my dream. I had given it up for Hayden. I hadn't wanted that dream anymore. I had a new dream that completely obliterated the other and vanished it into nothingness. Could I give up on a life with him so easily? Give up on our hopes? Our dreams together? Could he?
I again sighed painfully. But how could I stay? It would be too painful to stay. “I don't know if I'm up to it, Caroline. I don't know if I'm strong enough.”
Absence makes the heart grow stronger.
Fifteen
I didn't see Hayden again that day, nor did I see him the next. He didn't come to David and Caroline's for meals and I hadn't caught a glimpse of his presence anywhere. I couldn't help wondering if it was for his benefit or mine that he'd made himself scarce. Probably both. In a way it was good because I needed the space. On the other hand, I missed him with a painful intensity that made my heart ache beyond measure.
I didn't wander out on the ranch that day as I normally did. I stayed inside and tried to keep busy by helping Caroline with the usual housework. Then I faced the hard task of putting my wedding things away without ruining my dress with my endless tears, and calling Mama. I didn't tell her the wedding was off, just postponed. I hadn't yet made up my mind what I would do.
Again, Mama didn't throw out a bunch of questions at me. She knew me well enough to know I was thinking things through. However, she did give me one piece of advice, which I took as heaven sent. It's the only explanation I could come up with, because she had no clue what was going on with us, yet she knew exactly what to say.
Her advice? “If you really love him, then do what you can to work it out. You two have been, and still are, in the process of merging two different worlds. The odds are stacked against you as it is. They always were. Don't let fear keep you apart. Just do what you can to work it out.” And that was it.
On Saturday, the day Hayden and I were supposed to be married, I worked myself ragged, doing any and everything I could possibly do to keep him off my mind. By noon, I was so tired, I skipped lunch and took a long nap.
It was while I was napping that Hayden made a quick stop to say he would be gone for a few days.
“He's going down to Houston for a few days,” Caroline told me when I came down that afternoon. “He said he's going to take care of some business.” She sounded angry. ”Funny, he couldn't tell me what that business was. When I asked him he just shrugged his shoulders and turned to leave.”
“What did you say” I asked, wishing I had been down when he stopped by. Just to see him again would have been enough for me right now.
“What did I say? I told him he was being a stubborn jackass.” When I gasped, she added, “Then I told him to hurry back and get this settled.”
I smiled tearfully, grateful for Caroline's friendship. And if it wasn't for David coming in at that moment, I probably would have burst into tears all over again.
“Oh, there you are, sleeping beauty,” he said, giving me a hug and kissing Caroline's cheek. “Tom said to ask you if you wanted to take Ol' Red out for a ride. He's getting lazy and needs some exercise.”
“I'd love to,” I said, feeling a little brighter. I loved riding Ol' Red. He was my favorite of all the horses, and I figured going for a ride and thinking about Hayden would be a lot better than sitting around the house thinking about him.
I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, excused myself, and headed down to the stable. By the time I got there, Tom had Ol' Red saddled outside and ready to go.
“How are you today, boy?” I said softly as I caressed the horse's silky mane.
“He's been missing you,” Tom said, giving me a sympathetic smile.
“Well, I'm glad someone misses me,” I mumbled as Tom helped me up in the saddle.
“Oh, I'm sure somebody else is missing you now, too.” He grinned. “Only he's too stubborn and pig headed to see it right now. But don't you worry none. A body can only go without food and water for so long before it gives out.”
I suddenly found myself grinning back at the older man. “Are you saying I'm food and water?”
“Shoot, sugar, you're that boy's all you can eat and drink buffet.”
I laughed, genuinely laughed for the first time in days. “Thanks, Tom. I really needed that.”
“Anytime,” he replied before going back into the stable.
From the corner of my eye I saw Chris enter. He approached me with his hands in his pockets. “Want some company?” he asked, rubbing the horse's nose.
“No, thanks. I'm just going to ride a bit and clear my head.”
He smiled. “You sure you really want to be alone?” He playfully brushed off his shoulder. “I got a good one to lean on if you need to.”
Yeah, right, buddy. “Thanks, but I'll be fine.”
“Hey, Chris,” Tom called as Chris started to move closer. “Ken needs your help with the shoeing.”
Giving a smile of gratitude to Tom, I quickly took Ol' Red's reins and headed out.
Distraction is a mercy.
Sixteen
I relished the breeze blowing through my hair as I rode Ol' Red across the fields. The freedom I felt was like therapy, because as I rode, I was able to slowly dust the cobwebs of clutter and confusion from my heart and mind.
In the end I knew what I wanted, what I needed, and what I couldn't bear to live without. And as I approached the spot where Hayden had spent hours repairing the fence line, that knowledge came through with absolute clarity.
“Hayden.” I breathed his name into the breeze, wishing the wind could somehow carry my voice across the distance to him.
I closed my eyes as memories of the love we shared the last morning I was with him penetrated my heart, causing a tangible ache in me that brought immediate tears to my eyes. I again saw the love in his gray eyes as he looked at me. I felt the strength of his arms as he held me, could taste the warmth of his kisses when he pressed his mouth to mine. Even now I could almost feel the warmth of his lips against mine, the memory was so strong.
“He loves me, God,” I whispered emotionally to the heavens. “I know he does.” Heaving a deep sigh, I gazed toward the fence once more, knowing with absolute certainty that the desperate love I felt for him would never fade. I would love him forever.
“And I will wait for him,” I whispered fervently, my thoughts resolute. “There's still a chance, and I will wait.” It was all I could do. In my heart, I knew there was no other choice.
I spent the next afternoon riding Ol' Red as well. I got back just in time to help Caroline prepare dinner. She was already sitting at the table peeling potatoes to go with the pot roast that was cooking in the oven. I washed my hands, took another peeler from the drawer, and sat down to help her. She looked over and smiled.
“How was your ride?”
“It was good. I think I've really needed these rides.”
Caroline nodded. “A good swift ride works wonders when it comes to clearing your thoughts.”
“You're right about that,” I agreed with a smile.
We peeled potatoes for a while in silence, both of us seeming to be lost in our own thoughts. In the distance, I could hear calves bawling. Looking out the window, I saw one of the hands hauling in a load of alfalfa for the horses.
I sighed. Life was still going on, despite the changes going on in our lives. In my life. In Hayden's. Life was still going on without him. I was going on without him. I had no ch
oice.
I'd always considered myself a pretty strong person and was usually up to any challenge. I had always faced life head on and tried to put blinders aside. But as I sat at Caroline's table peeling potatoes, I felt completely vulnerable. Despite a failed marriage in the past, I had come through it all relatively okay. I had struggled against the voices that whispered daily at that time, telling me that I wasn't worthy of having happiness with anyone. Whispers that I wasn't good enough.
And now here I sat, peeling potatoes and waiting for the return of a man who held my happiness in the palm of his hand. Yes, I was more vulnerable than I had ever been in my life. But I was also filled with perseverance, drive, and enough love in my heart to see this through. Come what may, I would see it through.
Caroline's voice softly interrupted my pondering.
“Hayden called today.”
I looked up abruptly, my heart leaping at the sound of his name. “How is he?” I managed to ask, wishing I had been there.
“He's all right,” was all she said.
I kept looking at her expectantly, every part of me yearning to ask if he said when he was coming home.
“He didn't really say much else,” she added, evidently reading my thoughts in my expression.
I lowered my eyes and continued peeling, my heart beginning to ache all over again. You would think that missing him would now be a part of me, fitting me like a comfortable pair of worn shoes. But each new day, each little thing, freshened the pain.
I was struggling to blink back the tears when Caroline softly said, “He did ask me one thing though,” and my head again shot up.
She smiled. “He asked if you were still here.” When I put the peeler down and failed miserably to choke back the sob that escaped, she said, “I think he expected you to be gone by now.” She reached across the table and squeezed my hand.
“He still loves you, Raine. In fact, I think he probably loves you more now than he did before he left, and I know he's probably hurting just like you are. You just hold on a little longer. It won't be too much longer now. He'll come around.”
I smiled as tears streamed down my face and my heart was again infused with renewed hope. “I pretty much live off your faith, you know.”
She chuckled and smiled. “I know, honey. I know.”
Heartache is a detriment to the soul.
Seventeen
It was Caroline's faith that got me through the next couple of days. Whenever I began to feel down, I would just think of Hayden's phone call and Caroline's positive words, and I was instantly lifted. When I did that, I was able to make it from one hour to the next, one minute to the next.
But three days after Hayden's call, I was again restless and no memories or thoughts could console me. I now missed him so much, the pain threatened to completely overwhelm me.
That afternoon I decided I needed to go for a drive and get out for a while. I didn't really know where I would go, but I needed to go somewhere. Anywhere. I just needed a break, a break from missing Hayden, if that was possible.
Caroline had gone out earlier that morning and wasn't back yet. Not wanting her to worry, I left a note on the kitchen table. It only said I was going out for a while.
While everything inside me wanted to revisit the places Hayden and I spent so much time, I decided to do other things. There really wasn't much to do that we hadn't done already, so I decided to see a movie. In fact, I ended up watching two, back to back. The first was a comedy, the second, a bittersweet love story, which I promptly kicked myself afterward for choosing.
After the second movie–I figured I had better stop at two–I decided to grab something to eat at a fast food place, purposely avoiding the vicinity of Red Lobster.
It was a completely relaxing day. I was in no hurry to get anywhere because there was no one for me to go back to. That fact only served to renew the lonely ache I carried inside.
Later that afternoon, I spent an hour wandering around a department store. I didn't buy anything. I found no joy in shopping alone anymore.
I spent the last part of the day sitting on a bench at a community park, watching laughing children playing on the swings and monkey bars. This activity was a huge mistake, because as soon as I sat down, my thoughts immediately drifted to the talks Hayden and I had about children. We had spent many moments daydreaming together about the children we wanted to have and what they would look like.
I closed my eyes and thought about the first time we discussed children. Well, it really wasn't a discussion. Hayden had pressed one of his large, gentle hands against my stomach and said, “I can't wait until my babies are growing inside you.” Just thinking about the way he'd said it and the warmth in his eyes brought a warm longing even now.
“Oh, Hayden,” I whispered. “I miss you so much. And I need you so badly it hurts.” I looked up at the blue clear sky, wrapped my arms around my middle, and groaned painfully. I'm going out of my mind, Hayden!
I brushed away the sudden tears that came and took my keys from my pocket, my eyes catching the faint sunlit shimmer of Hayden's extra house key hanging from the ring with my car keys. He had given me the key the day he revealed his feelings for me in the stable.
I separated the key from the others and held it up. I sat for a moment staring at it and pondered all it represented. Suddenly feeling the need to feel as close to Hayden as I could, I quickly went to my vehicle and headed for the ranch.
By the time I reached the ranch, the sun had gone down. I found Caroline and David relaxing in the living room. She was knitting and he was reading the paper.
“Sorry I was gone so long.”
“That's all right,” Caroline said, putting her knitting down. “You probably needed the time away.”
“I did,” I said with a sigh.
David flipped the top of his paper down. “So, how are you doing, darlin'? You all right?”
I pushed my hair back. “Truthfully, I don't know. I don't know when or if I'll ever be all right.”
Caroline sighed. “You will.” She paused. “Hayden called again.”
I leaned my head against the door frame. “What did he say?” I asked in a monotone voice, expecting her answer to be the same as the last time.
“Well,” she drawled, causing my heart to thump. “He asked me if you were still here . . . and I told him I didn't know where you were.” When my eyes widened, she added, “Well, I didn't know where you were. Besides, he sounded pretty upset when I told him.” She grinned. “I think you've got him scared, honey.”
I couldn't help the joy I felt knowing Hayden was upset over my absence. “Did he say when . . . when he would be back?”
Caroline's smile faded slightly. “I'm sorry, honey, but he didn't.”
The hope that I had just felt was dashed a little. “Well, I'm glad he's all right.” I again pushed a hand back through my hair. “I think I'll go for a walk, maybe walk up to Hayden's.” I smiled tearfully. “I kind of miss the porch swing.”
“We understand,” Caroline said. “We'll leave the door unlocked for you.”
I nodded emotionally and left.
I stood on the back porch for a moment looking out over the ranch. With thoughts of Hayden ever present in my mind, I started my walk up to his place. I kept telling myself that going there would most likely only cause me more pain, but my heart wasn't listening. It didn't care. Besides, I didn't think the pain could get any worse than it already was.
Hearing the squeak of a door opening, I glanced back and saw Chris exiting the bunkhouse. I cursed inwardly when he looked in my direction and ran to catch up with me. I really wasn't in the mood to talk to him or anyone else, but especially him. Still, I managed to force a smile when he reached me.
“How are you doing?” he asked, reaching out and touching my arm.
“I'm all right,” I lied. I smiled brightly. “I'm good.”
When he moved closer, my smile faded slightly. Chris was nice, but a little too forward, and he was the
last person I wanted to discuss my problems with. I turned to start walking when he abruptly took my arm in his hand, tightening his grip slightly. The action completely startled me.
“You're lying, Raine. I've got eyes. I see what's going on. Hayden deserted you and you're still determined to wait for him to come back.”
I looked at him, my brow automatically creasing in anger and my defenses instantly rising. “So, what's it to you?”
“I'll tell you what it is to me,” he said, moving even closer and causing me to back up a little. “I've been watching you. You didn't know it, but I have. You see, the way I figure it, you need a real man, and from what I can tell, Hayden definitely ain't man enough for the job. He can't handle a woman like you.”
I snorted incredulously, my eyes roaming over his face, taking in his slicked back black hair and dark eyes. He was of average build and maybe six feet in height at the most. He was a couple of years younger than me, but at that moment, he acted even younger. “I don't know who you . . .” I paused and thought about what he had just said. “A woman like me? What is that supposed to mean?”
He smiled widely. “You know, a woman of color, or whatever you all call yourselves these days.”
I shook my head slightly. This is unreal. “A woman of color, huh? Are you saying black women are different from white women?”
“I'm saying,” he answered, his voice growing more seductive, “Hayden ain't man enough to give you what you really need.”
“And what is that?” I asked with a smirk, sarcasm lacing my voice.
“Real loving. The kind you women like.”
I'm not going to even touch that one. “Well, I hate to burst your bubble of raw masculinity,” I finally said, way past bored with the conversation, “but Hayden is more of a man than you could ever hope to be.”