Dave Barry's Money Secrets

by Dave Barry

YOU: OK, I’m ready to open the patient’s skull. Nurse, hand me the saw.

  NURSE: You’re holding the saw.

  YOU: I am? (Looking down) So I am! Ha ha! And is this the patient?

  NURSE: No, that’s your assistant, Dr. Whelkmonger.

  YOU: Ah! So this must be the patient.

  NURSE: No, that’s an oxygen tank.

  YOU (examining tank): Does it have medical insurance?

  Maybe it’s not such a great idea for you to continue working, either. But does that mean you have no options left for old age? Heck no! There is no call for that kind of “negative Nelly” thinking! You still have time to salvage your retirement! All you need to do is develop some financial discipline, develop a realistic budget, avoid frivolous spending, pay off your debts, and start putting away a meaningful amount of money each month for the future. Don’t be discouraged! You really can do it, if you put your mind to it and use your magic time-travel ring!

  Note: You’ll want to look for a refrigerator carton. Those are the roomiest.

  22

  PLANNING YOUR ESTATE

  Urg

  YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. It’s an unavoidable fact of nature that sooner or later, everybody passes away, except Keith Richards.* 63 So your time will definitely come—probably not today, probably not tomorrow. But definitely sometime next week.

  If you’re like most people, though, you haven’t given much thought to what will happen after you die, because at that point—so your reasoning goes—you’ll be dead. You figure somebody else can deal with everything. This is also what keeps you from cleaning your garage.

  This is a shortsighted and selfish attitude. There are some very important decisions that have to be made before you die, and you are the one who should make them.

  The most important question, of course, is: What will your last words be? You should decide this in advance of kicking the actual bucket. If you wait until the last minute and have nothing prepared, you’re going to end up uttering some lame, spur-of-the-moment last words, such as “Urg,” or “Tell the nurse I have to make a number two.” Is that what you want? Do you want your loved ones’ final memory of you—your lifetime, your career, your accomplishments—to involve a bowel movement?

  No, you want to leave them with some good, memorable last words, like the ones emitted by Civil War General John Sedgwick, who, moments before being fatally shot in the head in the battle of Spotsylvania, said: “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance.”* 64 Granted, those are not deep last words, but they’re funny. I bet everybody was cracking up at John’s funeral.

  If you don’t want to go with funny, you can go with poignant. The last words of Louise, Queen of Prussia, in 1820 were: “I am a Queen, but I have not the power to move my arms.” Of course you’d sound pretty stupid saying this if you were not, technically, a queen, but you could adapt it to your specific situation, as in: “I am the Cooterman Backhoe Rental Company’s Assistant Regional Manager for Northern and Central Kentucky, but I have not the power to move my arms.” A final quote like that is bound to produce feelings of admiration in your loved ones (“He must be on heavy drugs”).

  Another option is to go with prank last words. Your model here is the great American writer Henry David Thoreau, whose last words were—this is absolutely true—“Moose . . . Indian.” Many people have tried to figure out what Henry meant by this, but it seems obvious to me: He was messing with people. Henry was a big kidder. So if you, like Henry, want to inject a note of fun into your final moments, consider saying dying words along these lines:

  • “My only dying request is that you all not make a big fuss over me after I’m gone. All I ask is that you think of me sometimes. Also I want to be buried next to Elvis.”

  • “I’m slipping away now. Everything is getting dark. Wait! I see a light ahead. . . . It’s getting brighter. . . . It’s . . . a Starbucks!”

  • “Please send word of my death to my other spouse and children in New Zealand.”

  • “Before I go, there’s something very important I must tell you all. (Everybody leans closer.) But first . . . Roo roo!”

  Once you have your last words worked out, you need to give some thought to what you want done with your body after you die. May I make a suggestion here? Do NOT request to be cremated and have your ashes scattered at sea. This was a vaguely novel concept the first few hundred thousand times it was done, but these days everybody is being scattered at sea. Ships are running aground because of the dense fog of ashes swirling around the coastlines. The sea bottom is coated with a foot-thick layer of human sludge. Clams are dying needlessly by the millions.

  The same goes for scattering ashes in a scenic land setting such as the Grand Canyon, which has been used so often for this purpose that it is now only about three feet deep. If you absolutely must have your ashes scattered, at least pick an original place, such as the “Small World” ride at Disney World, or a favorite salad bar.

  An alternative to cremation is to have your body frozen, via a process called “cryogenics,” from the ancient Greek words cryogen, meaning “to transform,” and ics, meaning “into a human Dove Bar.” The idea here is that at some point in the future, medical scientists, having run out of other things to do, will figure out a way to bring frozen dead people back to life. So you’ll wake up in the year 2187* 65 looking at some doctor who’s not even born yet, who will hand you a bill for—allowing for inflation—seventy-three billion dollars, leaving you with no sound financial option but to kill yourself.

  If you don’t want to have anything funky done to your corpse, you can at least try to make your funeral entertaining. Remember: It’s your funeral, so they have to do what you tell them. For example, you can leave explicit written instructions stating that, next to your casket, you want a tip jar. You can have the clergy member conducting the service say: “Let us pause for a moment of silence, during which we should try not to picture Camilla Parker-Bowles naked.” Instead of some boring hymn, have the audience join together in singing the 1976 Captain & Tennille hit “Muskrat Love.” Instead of a eulogy, have an Amway representative explain to your friends and loved ones the amazing power of multilevel marketing.

  If you have any time left over after working out your last words, your body disposal, and your funeral, you might also want to take a few moments to figure out what will happen to your estate. Of course, if you follow the advice in this book, there’s a strong chance you won’t have an estate. But just in case, by some miracle, you’re in danger of dying with a positive net worth, here’s some information about estate planning, in the helpful “Q-and-A” format:

  Q. What is estate planning?

  A. Estate planning is when you plan your estate.

  Q. Are the answers going to get any more helpful?

  A. No.

  Q. Why do I need estate planning?

  A. If you don’t have professional estate planning, a big chunk of your estate could be taken by taxes and lawyers.

  Q. And professional estate planning will prevent that?

  A. No, but it will guarantee that another chunk goes to professional estate planners.

  Q. Do I need life insurance?

  A. We put that question to the National Association of Life Insurance Salespersons Heavily Armed with Graphs.

  Q. And what was their response?

  A. They are surrounding your house right now.

  Q. Do I need to make a will?

  A. If you don’t have a will, you will die intestate.

  Q. Is that bad?

  A. It is if you’re a guy.

  Q. Can I make my own will?

  A. Yes, but you must use very specific legal wording, or it will have no more legal validity than a used Big Mac wrapper. Follow this format exactly:

  LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF (YOUR NAME)

  I (your name), residing in (your country), (your state), (your nine-digit zip code), being of sound mind and having had no more than six beers so far today, do hereby at thi
s juncture complete, finalize, conclude, and terminate the first sentence of this will. I further state, assert, affirm, declare, and just generally write down in writing that I hereby revoke, cancel, annul, rescind, retract, invalidate, and withdraw any previous will or codicil I may or may not have made, with the proviso and stipulation that I have no idea what a “codicil” is. I don’t think I ever made one. Maybe that time in Tijuana.

  ARTICLE I

  MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN

  I am hereby legally owning up to one (1) spouse, (name of spouse), and a brood of children with the following monikers: (monikers of children). God knows I did my best.

  ARTICLE II

  THE QUARTERING OF SOLDIERS

  No Soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

  ARTICLE III

  THE DIVVYING UP OF THE ESTATE

  I would like to bequeath $3.5 million in cash to be divided equally among my heirs. I would also like to shower naked with (name of hot movie star of the opposite gender such as Angelina Jolie).

  But seriously, my heirs are welcome to go through

  my stuff and, if they find anything of value, divvy it up however they want, with the proviso and stipulation that, if they find any pornography, particularly the May 2002 issue of Humongo Garbonzo magazine under the NordicTrack machine in the basement, I don’t know anything about that.

  ARTICLE IV

  NOTE TO MY SPOUSE

  Get rid of the damn NordicTrack. It was a mistake. I can admit this now that I’m dead. Also: It was me who peed in the laundry hamper at the Weeglemans’ party.

  ARTICLE V

  SPECIAL NOTE TO MY CO-WORKER HARRY KRAMPNER, WHO SAT IN THE CUBICLE NEXT TO MINE FOR EIGHT LONG YEARS

  1. Your views on U.S. immigration policy are ridiculous.

  2. This is also true of your views on pretty much everything else you pontificated about when you were supposed to be working.

  3. Basically, you are full of shit.

  4. If you think nobody in the office notices what you do with your nose-pickings, think again.

  ARTICLE VI

  A FINAL OBSERVATION

  The quality of basketball free-throw shooting, at both the college and professional levels, has become a joke.

  Signed,

  (Your John Hancock)

  John Hancock

  Q. Are we still in the “Q-and-A” fformat?

  A. Yes.

  Q. What is a “Living Will”?

  A. It is a document that tells doctors how hard you want them to try to keep you alive. Should they allow you to die, even if what you have is hemorrhoids? Or should they keep slapping electric paddles onto your chest and shouting “Clear!” long after insects have munched you down to a skeleton? Those are your two choices.

  Q. Do you have any final words on estate planning?

  A. Yes. They are “moose” and “Indian.”

  CONCLUSION: YOU CAN DO IT!

  Maybe

  IN THE INTRODUCTION TO THIS BOOK, I promised that I would give you a set of proven, time-tested principles of money management. I believe that I have more than lived up to my end of the bargain, unless you count the part about giving you a set of proven, time-tested principles of money management.

  But this book, as good as it is, can do only so much for you. At some point, you need to take matters into your own hands. You need to stop sitting on the sidelines, get into the game, pick up the ball, and run with it. Don’t listen to the critics and the naysayers, who will try to discourage you with remarks like: “You’ll never make it!” Or: “Put the ball down, you moron! We’re playing billiards!”

  Ignore these people. Don’t give up! Remember that Bill Gates took nearly six weeks to make his first hundred million dollars. You must never doubt that you, like Bill, can achieve success. All you need to do is work hard, catch a few breaks, and know a bunch of information about computer software that is not included in this book.

  I am not saying the road to financial success will always be smooth. You may stumble. You may fall. You may wind up in a hospital, where a psychopath posing as a nurse will inject you with a paralyzing drug and remove both of your eyeballs with a shrimp fork.

  But you must not let these setbacks set you back. If, some day, you’re feeling down, wondering if you’re ever going to make it, remember the story of a young man by the name of Edison, who was trying to find a material that could be used as a filament in an electric lamp. He tried 2,000 different materials, and every one of them failed. Many people would have quit, but he did not. Late one night, he tried yet another material—the 2,001st—and you know what happened next: It also failed. So he bought a lottery ticket, and he won. (This was Thomas Edison’s cousin, Steve Edison.)

  There is no reason, other than the laws of probability, why the same thing cannot happen to you. But as you strive for financial success, remember this: Money is not everything. Oh, you may think it is. You may think, “If I had money, I would be happy.” But remember: Money will not buy you true love. On the other hand, money will buy you a lot of high-quality fake love.

  My point is that, given a choice between having money and not having money, you should definitely go with having it. And that, in the end, is why I wrote this book: to get your money.

  No, seriously, I wrote this book to help you, and that is why I will end it with this promise, from me to you: If you follow the advice in this book, and you somehow fail to become wealthy, simply take this book back to the bookstore where you bought it, explain to the employees what happened, and ask for a full refund. You have my personal guarantee, right here in writing, that they will laugh until they blow snot into their lattes.

  Until that time, I’d like to leave you with some words of wisdom. Unfortunately, at the moment, none come to mind. So instead I will leave you with this traditional Irish blessing:

  May the road rise to meet you.

  May the wind be always at your back.

  May the sun shine warm upon your face,

  The rains fall soft upon your fields, and,

  Until we meet again,

  Moose. Indian.

  *1. I’ll think of some. Trust me!

  *2. Official cheer: WE don’t! WE don’t WE don’t Meso ROUND!

  *3. Although not necessarily in this book.

  *4. After I wrote this, I found out that Alan Greenspan is retiring, so feel free to disregard this chapter. For that matter, feel free to disregard this book.

  *5. We recommend a debit card.

  *6. The correct spelling is “Asstek.”

  *7. Not really.

  *8. Another proven job-getter is the “Aristocrats” joke.

  *9. In the sense of “asshole.”

  *10. This is also a good policy if you are president of the United States.

  *11. Or maybe that’s just me.

  *12. Rim shot.

  *13. Up to $30.

  *14. Maximum of two.

  *15. 9:33 a.m. Mountain Time.

  *16. I realize that this book has been pretty hard on lawyers. Be advised that the legal community will offer a thorough rebuttal in Chapter 27, titled “There Is No Chapter 27.”

  *17. Amazing but True Fact: At one time, Micronite filters were made out of asbestos.

  *18. Actual cheer: “Wanicko! Wanacko! Wanick Wanack Wano! Maroon! Maroon! Sharparoon!”

  *19. That’s right: Sometimes, in addition to the Cheez-Its, I eat the actual box.

  *20. Now with Micronite filters!

  *21. I’m just kidding, of course. No WAY should you have sex with your spouse.

  *22. I refer here specifically to my wife.

  *23. Women have a weapon that is even more effective in arguments against men than crying: tampons. Really. If a woman, in any argument, on any topic, manages to work tampons in—as in, “I don’t even have enough money to buy tampons!”—she will win the argument. The man will agree to anything to make her
stop talking about tampons. I probably should not reveal this, but men are terrified of tampons. The ultimate horror movie, for men, would be called The Night of the Tampon, and it would feature a man in a big spooky old house, where he is being stalked by a giant vengeful tampon.

  *24. He still is today!

  *25. In case you don’t know, here’s how to operate a computer: (1) Turn it on. (2) Wait for it to “boot up.” (3) Call “Technical Support.”

  *26. The actual classes are taught by graduate students making $9.50 an hour.

  *27. Have you noticed that I ask a lot of rhetorical questions? Don’t answer this.

  *28. “Squirrel Drool” would be a good name for a rock band.

  *29. A newspaper.

  *30. Bill Gates personally has seventeen million coffeemakers.

  *31. I made this number up. I have no idea what “compound interest” is, let alone how to allow for inflation.

  *32. Pardon my French.

  *33. Its name is Harold.

  *34. These are a different “Bob” and “John” from the “Bob” and “John” in the Introduction.

  *35. When he got to the bank, he was able to withdraw $15,000 in cash, even though he did not have an account.

  *36. Just so you know: Your spouse usually charges $50.

  *37. When I wrote this chapter, I told Gene what I was going to say about him and the Louisiana Purchase, and he agreed completely. He also said this: “Actually, the biggest idiocy was the purchase of Manhattan. We gave up WAY more trinkets than we had to.”

  *38. IRS regulations require blue or black ink for statements of this nature.

  *39. Always use a nonrounded number such as “one zillion dollars and 63 cents.”

  *40. She is, of course. But still.

  *41. All named Ashley.

  *42. Although some scholars believe that when the Bard wrote this particular line, he might not have been referring to branding.