Humanities Contingency_You Will Lose Yourself

by Matthew Birch

  Walking by, Zack chips in to their conversation with, “You actually have a sweet tooth, don’t you? I know you’re just using the young ladies as an excuse to chow down on some candy bars.

  Chloe laughs it off, saying, “Alright Officer, you caught me” Her reference to his stoic past causes a chuckle between the two. It’s nice, seeing everything unwind in front of my eyes. Chloe goes one way with the two young girls while Ian catches up to Zack, and the two take off towards the toilet area that is elsewhere in the zoo.

  Reminds me of the rule my group put in place. ‘If and when you need the loo, go in pairs, not alone, lest you die like Elliot the fool’. Rhymes in my head, although not as well as I would’ve liked. Alas, it evokes the memory of Elliot... Poor bastard...

  Turning, I overhear the last people in the room. All that remains is Callum and Ryan who talk closely. Shaking my head, I rejoin my brother, the only place I feel comfortable is going to be with him. When I make my entrance, the two cut themselves off. Ryan hastily snubs me before turning and carrying on his merry way with the massive rucksack Callum handed him.

  “He’s just feeling depressed over his brother... But, if something did happen to Daniel, and I am not saying creatures or monsters, I am thinking of that gang then...” Callum trails off, his eyes fill with the unsatisfiable rage he feels. It’s not difficult to tell what he’s feeling...

  “We’ll be cautious” I reassure.

  “We’ll be ready” He corrects me like an ass.

  Shrugging my brother aside, I move past him. Not wanting to deal with his unbearable attitude, I think I would rather be somewhere else. Hearing his ranting, or complaining, or just getting straight up livid is beyond tedious by this point. “We will remain vigilant,” I say before leaving Callum to his own business. I carry on with setting my rucksack down and setting up camp in the main reception. A long day is still ahead of us...

  * * *

  Nighttimes arrived - the group is still yet to come together. Sitting at a fire outside the zoo, in a clearing near the scout club area that is just out of the marshland is Joey and Ryan. They sit in a deafening taciturnity. Sitting on logs that act as seating while they stare at the dancing fire in front of them. Powerful, thin, dying; the burning will not endure eternally. No words are shared as they huddle closer to the fire for warmth. Tugging his thick coat closer to himself, Joey lets off a little huff of annoyance, his head playing over everything that has happened.

  Things certainly do seem dire...

  Fast-paced, light footsteps barrel towards them. Joey straightens himself, looking up; he sees Alice and Chloe appear from thin air. “Can we join you?” Alice asks sweetly. Ryan disregards her, his appreciations fixated on the bustling fire.

  Joey, taking pity on the hapless girl, accepts her. “The more the merrier” Dead and lifeless, his drab tone does little to keep the uplifted mood of the girls alive.

  Alice and Chloe take their seat beside one another on a spare, adjacent trunk. “Bring it out then” Chloe leans over and whispers to Alice who grins cheekily before whipping something out from her hoodie? Curious, Joey watches thoughtfully as Alice reveals what she had been hiding. It’s a bag of...

  Marshmallows?

  “Are you girls thinking what I’m thinking?” Suddenly, feeling alive, the encouraged Joey darts up with his marshmallow craving feasting themselves on the sight of the marshmallows.

  “Go on Chloe!” Alice commands and Chloe also reveals she has a bag of metal sticks to go with the marshmallows!

  Clapping enthusiastically, Joey applauds their clearly set up performance. Poor girls must’ve been planning it since raiding the gift shop. It’s sweet and well thought out to do something unexpected like this. All it does is tell Joey things aren’t so bleak as long as they have each other.

  “Wait, do you have any crackers for some proper smores?” Hungry, the crazed man seemingly begs them instead of questions. He’s starving like the rest of them, and almost has to restrain himself from stealing the entire bag from Alice’s hands!

  Sorrowfully, Chloe rocks her head. “Sorry, no crackers, unfortunately, so smores are off the table...”

  Grunting, Joey sits back and kicks his feet up. “We really deserve some smores right now,” He says jokingly. “After all we’ve done, I think it’s about time we got ourselves cut some slack you know?”

  The two girls laugh, even if they aren’t entirely sure what he was trying to make a joke about. Regardless, they all cackle, at least until a nimble, timid voice makes itself known.

  “May I have one please?” Politely, the usual cut off Ryan has unusually perked up to ask for a marshmallow?

  Another tongue swiftly says from out of the blue, “What about us, eh?” Callum and Lola appear in the same thin air Chloe and Alice had arrived from earlier. Joey and Ryan catch a glance at one another before both men smile in unison. Joey fills with a bursting glee on the inside as the full house begins coming together. Next, he turns his attention to Chloe who had already been looking at him with a twinkle in her eyes...

  He looks back and sheepishly smiles. ’Do I thank her or something? It feels like she planned all of this...’

  Chloe, as if having read his mind like a book, shifts to his side while Alice proudly tells the tale that is the devastating defeat of the gift shop in their raid for survival. Her storytelling knack is on point, and she is able to perfectly exaggerate a simple scavenging run to the extent that everyone is swooning at her feet to hear more.

  “Hey, how’re you feeling?” Chloe warms up to Joey, and for a moment, he is put off by her sudden interaction with him. She even hopped over to his log...

  “I’m good-” He says, confused as to whatever is going on in her head.

  “I know you have been trying hard to keep everyone together... So when I noticed that after the little sleeping area had been set up in the reception, the defences were in place and that everything was in place... I found you, and just you, having done all the work...” Taking his hand, she pulls him close. In a daze, she plainly says, “I respect you for trying so hard on everyone else’s behalf... Thank you, so Alice and I masterminded this plan to get everyone together... All it took was a trip to the back storage to the find the best, in date marshmallows we could!”

  Joey gives her hand an awkward squeeze before pushing her away nicely. Wrinkling his nose, the sober man smells the story of someone who somehow found access to alcohol...

  “Thanks, Chloe, I owe you one” Laughing it off innocently, he forces her to move back to Alice so they can prepare the marshmallows with Lola. Watching from afar, Joey sees his brother shift to his side. After sharing basic pleasantries, they move to more pressing matters.

  “Don’t worry about tonight. Ian and Zack are on guard duty” Callum for some strange reason go to reassure him about something Joey had not even thought of? Not once did he even CONSIDER the security for tonight?

  “Thanks for the heads up?” Confused, moreover, perplexed by his brother, Joey just nods plainly before flashing a charming, forced smile. “A better question would be where the other two are?”

  Callum scratches his messy head of hair while thinking about the question. “What?”

  Joey groans. “Seriously, you know, Ed and Maya?”

  Callum realises, smiles then converts to a smug filled expression before speedily whispering in his ear, “They are scouting”

  “I don’t believe you, and why the weird look man?” Joey punches his brother’s shoulder before simpering to himself. What in the world could Callum mean?

  Wrapping his arm slyly around his brother, Callum yawns as he says, “Well if you knew where babies came from, you’d understand-”

  Joey roughly pushes Callum away with a disturbed look on his face. “There is nothing wrong with me choosing not to have kids!” By this point, Joey is certain Callum somehow got access to alcohol as well...

  Going deathly silent, Callum returns to stone, acknowledging his change, Joey can only i
magine he is thinking about his son...

  “Well, Ed and Maya... Probably only went scouting to find somewhere nice... so to speak” Thinking of his brother, generously, Joey takes their conversation back a step to the strange couple. He plays along with the joke that was already at hand, and Callum can’t help but giggle like a madman at it. To think people would still be getting down and dirty in the apocalypse is something he never thought he’d be thinking about.

  “COME ON, THERE IS PLENTY OF MARSHMALLOWS TO GO AROUND!” Chloe pretty much literally screams...

  Everyone dives in like a pack of hungry rats with wings!

  Being the only one to stay in his not so comfy place, Joey relaxes.

  “Do you want one?” Callum turns around from his position at Chloe’s heel, a marshmallow in his fingers hold.

  “Nah, I’m good” Raising his hand, Joey reluctantly declines his offer. “Thanks anyway guys,” He says happily, his mind churning itself inside out at the strange path his night took. “I’m going to go get some sleep. Just remember we will be rationing tomorrow. Everything will be shared fairly, plus, we need to be double-checking cafeterias and market stalls, not just the gift shop-” Joey coughs into his hand where he quickly says for effect, “Alice, Lola-”

  Both girls cry out, upset at his little playful jab. He laughs it off, waving goodbye to everyone. His last look back is seeing as everyone roasts their marshmallows together like one big weird family.

  It’s a sight he never thought he’d see. Such interesting mixes of people with pasts they don’t like to speak of are now joyfully roasting the hell out of some marshmallows before devouring them whole. They all forget their past and indifference for five minutes. Everything is so serene...

  Joey

  Slipping through the basic, yet tight defences we put in place, which mostly just consist of furniture we moved out of the main building to construct some sort of viable wall in the event that we needed it. Once inside the main building, I sift through the darkness of the main entrance into the reception area where I discover Ed and Maya happily laying in adjoining sleeping bags. “Hey, you folks alright-”

  Maya squeals, and within a millisecond she has pulled the covers up and over her head in embarrassment. Ed, having taken a more direct route, stares back at me. Awkwardness settles in the air around us.

  “Uh, we’re roasting marshmallows if you wanna join?” It wasn’t my intention to find them like this... I honestly wanted to just come to bed. It doesn’t matter, that excuse will do.

  Ed and Maya share another one of their looks that hold so much code and secrecy behind them; I doubt I’d ever comprehended them. It must be a couple only talent.

  “I love marshmallows...” I overhear Ed speak softly like a child.

  “I’m naked you jerk!” Maya hits him playfully.

  The fools forget I am standing right here...

  “Not to worry-” I let them know I am still present and watch for the second time as Maya burrows back under her covers. Ed still doesn’t give a crap even though I can see his entire top half...

  “I’ll leave you be. Enjoy your privacy so you can get appropriate for marshmallows” I walk by, not looking at the two as I walk out the exit of the building and into the open zoo. We all share a laugh that dies down faster than I would have liked...

  Taking a brisk walk, I let my sore feet guide me around the zoo. Many thoughts circle around my head like eagles until I bump into the two men I didn’t want to see. I was enjoying my peace and quiet as well...

  Playing it off again, like before, I make another excuse as to why I am out here all alone. “Oh, hey, was wondering when you want to switch shifts-”

  “Yeah, that’d be great” Zack’s deep voice bellows. Ian follows, patting me on the back as they pass?

  “Wait, what’s the rush for?” Looking over my shoulder, I check out what the two men had been up to... Ian is holding something, I just can’t tell what-

  Oh, it’s a radio...

  Ian presents a professional radio? “I found it in one of scouts cabins! Yes, we did scout out that far. No, there was nothing to report!” Ian seemingly glows for some reason tonight. He’s normally quite introverted.

  “What about the lion area, you checked there?”

  “There’s no lion area here Joey. Come on, I thought you were a smart man” Zack replies to my clearly sarcastic question... ugh...

  I really can’t be dealing with this right now. I just want some time to recharge...

  “It was a, uh, joke...” I murmur mockingly...

  Zack makes a humming sound. Ian shakes his head. We all move past the conversation we should have never had. I doubt we’ll speak of this again either.

  “It’s been so long since we last checked for any emergency radio broadcasts; I thought it would be worth a try!” Ian exclaims, and finally, I understand why he has it in the first place.

  “Good idea... Anyway, about the guard shifts stuff, can you go and talk with Callum about it. I’ll go scouting for a bit on my own. With four new people from the north, we haven’t really figured out guard patterns” Explaining myself, I give them their task and they carry it out without any prompting. We share a nice goodbye, and we carry on our way. All we need now is to focus on scavenging as many supplies as we can. Ah, I should get Zack to help me with that. He is good at that stuff-

  Oh shit, I better get him then!

  “Oh, and Zack!” I shout out, trying to get his attention before he goes too far.

  This night has been strange... I just hope I can finally have my rest and relaxation...

  Chapter 3 - Reality Hits Hard

  Joey

  My rations for this morning consisted of a can of tuna, a packet of ready salted crisps and some cold beans in a pot...

  Sighing, I throw my head back as I pray for the days where I would drive by McDonalds, or get takeaway, or even that amazingly old classic pizza restaurant dad used to take Callum and me too...

  Those were the days...

  Those days are gone now...

  Staring down at the food that I have laid out, I spread them out so I can purposely bang my head against the bench without upsetting them. I’d hate to make a mess. It’d be so wasteful, and it would be an even bigger middle finger to the rest of the group. The general consensus is, if you won’t eat it, someone else will. Of all the benches that have been jotted around the zoo, I pick the remotest one. For someone who wants to bring everyone together, I couldn’t be more apart. Rather ironic when I think about it. I suppose now all I am doing is contradicting myself.

  “What’s wrong?” Lola walks by, and eventually joins me from the second she saw me.

  “Just miss my dad...” I murmur below my breath as I force down some of the cold beans.

  “I miss Granddad too,” She says morosely while averting her gaze from me.

  My eyes scan her for a second, then I realise she looked away because of the bean sauce dribbling down my chin. I smirk, wipe my mouth with my long, tattered sleeve and continue the conversation. “It feels, weird. Ingeniously we went north to find him only to learn it was completely overrun and if that new group didn’t know him then he most certainly is dead...”

  Lola’s eyes go wide. Instantly, I throw my hands up. My eyes become wide in shock. “I am so sorry; I didn’t mean to be so-”

  “It’s okay,” she says half-heartedly. “Really, it’s okay...”

  Calming down, I relax enough that I can hear her say, “I miss Tommy...”

  Her younger brother, bless her heart...

  The benches weight shifts and a creaking sound is made as someone sits beside me. “Hey, don’t mind me, just wanted to say that we’ve all lost people. I came to see my bastard-” She freezes, and looks at me for the permission to use bad words. Rolling my eyes, I leave the decision to Lola.

  “You might as well” Lola nods and smiles, clearly not giving two shits about the bad language situation. Let’s be fair here, she’s probably heard a lot wo
rse than bastard. Bastard is innocent compared to some of the things that have been hurled our way.

  Maya cocks her head at the young girl in amazement. “Well, anyway, it was my dad who I went to see. We had barely been together a few days before he was torn to pieces. You’ll never guess what as well!” Maya chirps while looking between us excitedly. For some reason, Lola and I compete in her game anyway.

  “He never wanted you there in the first place?” I say.