Humanities Contingency_You Will Lose Yourself

by Matthew Birch

  “You had to kill him when he turned?” Lola suggests.

  Maya stops, turns to Lola, her mouth is turned agape. “Wow, you are one gloomy little lady aren’t you?” Laughing heartedly, Maya steals some of my crisps while patting my head. Ignoring her, I roll my eyes even further at how hyper she is. Unless it’s alcohol, why do I keep blaming it on that? Where would anyone find that in a zoo anyway?

  “You were both wrong. I lost my entire family as it was a reunion to scatter the ashes of my mother!”

  Gasping, I mutter, “How are handling all this?”

  “I lost so many people at the ranger station up north...” Maya is lost to her thoughts for a moment. “A friend of mine, Marcus, gave his life so that...” She stutters. “So that we could be here now...” She chokes on her words as she holds everything back. Lola and I share a glance of distress as we really don’t know what to do in this situation.

  “Who was this Marcus?” Lola sweetly reaches out to her comfortingly.

  “Oh, we all loved him... Great guy, kind, but also a firm leader type. He was always there for everyone even when everything seemed lost...”

  I guess he lost himself in the process...

  With her mood shifted southwards, the dejected Maya gets back to the original point before she went off on a disheartening tangent. “Basically, we all lose people, just keep moving forward. The reason I hold on is the faith I have in the people around me. You know, if I ever lost Ed, I wouldn’t know what to do...”

  I must admit, they are quite cute, seeing a relationship blossom at the worst of times. Making the best of it is an understatement. I might as well mention it. “It’s cute, you know, having someone to depend on in these dark times”

  “The sex always helps!” Lola blurts out.

  Oh my god. Lola, no, please, just no. We both stare at the young girl who has no idea what she’s talking about.

  Lola blushes. “Alice told me that’s what you were doing yesterday...” Passing off the blame, Lola throws Alice under the bus and I can’t help but leer for a moment.

  “Keep in mind that Alice is still older than you, even if it is only by a few years. It can make all the difference to the knowledge you have” Bearing down on Lola, I get stern for a second. As her uncle, while amusing as it is to have her come out with things like that, I need to keep some sort of mannerism in this world. She’s only fourteen...

  Maya laughs, stealing more of my crisps, and to be honest, at this point I just give them to her. I hate ready salted crisps anyway. They are so plain and boring.

  “It was fun while it lasted!” Maya winks at us both, and in return, we all burst out laughing. “Anyway, remember to always place your faith in the people around you. At the end of the day, those who are left are who we live for now. It is how we keep our humanity”

  She makes a good point. Even though my food normally ruins my mood, this time, it doesn’t. I feel a new found happiness flowing through me, a sense of optimism that keeps me alive. I replay her words in my mind... I will do what I can to preserve the future of this group, even if I have to give my life.

  * * *

  Later that day, we finally all gather round in the reception area that has now been deemed our sleeping area and lounge. No guard patrols tonight. The day was spent searching, scouting and salvaging. Food, water and more have been found; hopefully, it should be enough to keep us going as we move west.

  Solemnly, we watch on as a tension fills the air. At the moment, Zack works hard to find a radio channel that is working until belatedly, it evolves to exist after a wave of static. A message plays, and we all lend our ears as we listen closely...

  “To all survivors of the Resort, we commend you in living long enough to hear this message. Before we run out of time, let us comfort you with the news that the world is fine, and only the Resort is in peril. Any outside family or friends are okay, and there is nothing to worry about”

  Hugging, cheering, laughing, crying, everyone takes this news in their own ways.

  “However, if, there are any survivors, we do have the mandate to stick to. All previous attempts have ended in failure to cleanse the Resort, and the world’s efforts have come to a draw. Now, a military base has been set up along the western coast of the city known as Valbury. Once again, for any and all remaining survivors, a military base has been set up in Valbury and will be staying for a total of three months before the Resort is deserted. This is the last warning...”

  Ian shuts the radio off. “We don’t know when that message was first aired...” Gravely, he says something that ruins everyone’s moods. He should’ve stayed quiet...

  “It doesn’t matter. Whether it was done a month ago or not, the dude said three months, and we have already been surviving for a little over a month already!” Before Ed can kick off, from the back of the room, I say, “So let’s just say we have two months! Judging by the rate we have been moving, we should be nearing Valbury in the next week or so when we take into consideration all the stops for rest and restocking our supplies”

  Callum steps in now. “This military base could be just as dead as the last one, and we need to remember that now because when we get there, there are no guarantees it is all going to be sunshine and rainbows...”

  “Dude, relax” Abruptly, I tell him to calm down with a scowl on my face. What is he trying to do, sour the mood? Morale needs to be high. Jesus Christ, sorry for taking the lords name in vain, but sometimes I wonder what is going through his head!

  Callum sends me a glare. “That is just the harsh reality kicking in bro”

  “Wait, did anyone consider that they might even kill us because they think we’re carriers or something. Maybe it’s just one big trap and the island has already been secured. Why else do you think we haven’t met any monsters or creatures in a while?”

  Great, now everyone is conspiring in their own ways with the most deluded ideas I have ever heard in my lifetime. The whole group goes up in flames in an argument that could topple a modern world war. I’m happy I reside at the back where I can stay in my tranquil space.

  Alice cowers, moving closer to Chloe while Lola scrambles towards me...

  “Can we make it?” Her meek, little voice squeaks at me...

  “No matter what-” I pat beside me, and she takes a seat on the ground with me. “We will do everything we can to make sure everyone gets there safe and sound...”

  “And if they aren’t there or worse?”

  “Then we deal with it”

  Because when tomorrow comes, we move out.

  Chapter 4 - On the Road Again

  Joey

  God, I am so happy to actually be using toilet roll again...

  Ah, so good. Life couldn’t be better. This is without a doubt in my mind, that this is the best it gets!

  “You know, with all the extra resources, we should be able to survive for over a week if we ration it properly” Ed calls out, breaking me away from my thoughts.

  Hurrying up, I rip some more toilet roll and carry on with my business. “Yeah, so, is everything packed up then?” I reply back loudly. The tiled walls rebound our voices into a faint echo.

  “All good for transport, well, eh, I mean, it’s a lot of excess weight now. Too much extra baggage and we might not be able to move at all!” Ed roars, his opinion drumming through my ears as I finish up on the toilet. He had to stand so far away, didn’t he? Well, it’s not my fault he got stuck with me in our pair. If I gotta go, I gotta go! Besides, when you’re lazing about doing nothing, you’re gonna be asked to pull your weight.

  Standing up, I make myself proper again and unlock the toilet door. Stepping out into the long stretching hallway of toilets, I observe Ed standing at the entrance. His head poked out the exit so he can dismiss himself with the somewhat fresh air. “You know, it’s weird, all the waters went yet we still drop em’ in the toilets?”

  What are we, savages? “Well I am not so insane that I’m gonna go dropping them anywhere I pleas
e” Cruising my way beyond the plentiful, rancid stench filled toilets, I watch as he twists his hips, furrows his brows, and addressing me with a pure flash of repugnance. “Can’t handle the smell eh, Ed? It’s not just mine in here. Everyone’s got their own toilet-”

  “Yeah, yeah, shut up alright-” Ed starts coughing, and his act is a little over the top as he mocks me, whilst including the smell comparatively as well. Pinching the tip of his nose, the man baby parodies me further. “I gotta say, yours is the worst-”

  “I was in the furthest stall” Jumping to my own defence, I make my point, only to accumulate shoal laughter from Ed who swivels his head about.

  “Well...” Thoughtfully, he looks at me weirdly, his mouth twitching at the corners as he suppresses a laugh. “That really says something, doesn’t it?”

  “Shut up and get out there you dick” Placing my hand on his back, I urge him out of the latrine. In all fairness, it’s not the place you want to be socialising. You do get used to bad smells after a while, although there’s an uncanny difference between dead, decaying smells, and human faecal discharge. Like two whole levels that are a world apart in the disgusting smell game. Soon enough, nothing can phase you once you’ve seen, smelt, and heard it all.

  Ed doesn’t leave the area; instead, he flips us around. Not taking action against it, I wait for his move. He favours against the door frame, arms crossed. “I hope you didn’t see anything the other day?”

  Now he’s being ominous. I’m going to guess he is referring to him and Maya.

  “There isn’t usually this much talk when a pair go to the toilet?” Raising the alarm at how offensive this is starting to become, Ed backs off a little, spinning on his heels as we finally leave the damned toilet area...

  “I just want to get to know you better” He says it so plainly. Why do I feel so, defensive? So I do not want to learn, and know him better? It’d certainly be the right choice on behalf of the group to better relations. At the moment, we are more or less two unruly factions in an unsteady alliance to survive...

  We’re not one group yet...

  Paranoia kicks in, and for some reason, a confidence surmounts past me as I quit walking. We come face to face, our eyes bearing down on the other in a show of... I don’t know - manly hood? Neck at neck, we confront one another without a word.

  Snorting like a pig, Ed’s facade breaks, and he laughs openly-

  Oh, he was playing around. I need to relax...

  Wrapping his arm around me, Ed begins talking about how we can be pals and there is nothing wrong with that. Accepting it, I skip along, deciding to get in the mood by encasing my arm around him as we, like a jolly couple, parade our way back to the main base of our group.

  “Sorry for being so weird, and also, don’t take so long on the toilet in future. It was driving me nuts!” His British accent rings true for a moment, and I cannot stop the escapade of smiles that break my face.

  “Trust me, when all you eat is tuna and beans, you start to have disagreements with your stomach!”

  We enter the main reception building where our camp is no more; everyone is packed and ready to move. Callum, like a master predator, disturbingly stares me down. No, I’d say he is more eying me and Ed up? He’s wearily measuring Ed for some reason...

  Not letting go of my arm around Ed’s back, both Ed and I stop right in front of my brother...

  Ed probably doesn’t care, but I feel a tension growing between us. “What’s wrong?” Why did I ask that...?

  Callum shoots up, his voice is hushed in anger to not garner the attention of everyone else. “We need to get moving, what took you so long!” Arms crossed, Callum gets right up in my face?!

  “Sorry, he needed to take a dump, anyway, talk later” Patting my back and saying goodbye, Ed exits our friendly banter for another day. It was fun while it lasted.

  Silence...

  “Please chill” I speak while Callum uproots me to one side-

  “I don’t trust them okay?” Kneeling down, my brother wraps his hands around my overflowing rucksacks straps. Standing up, he hands the obese rucksack to me. “Especially Ed-”

  Rolling my eyes like some old, disappoint granddad, I cut him off before he can speak more bullshit. “Is this because of the machete to the throat incident?”

  Callum, like a mouse, speechlessly agrees.

  “Seriously, it was nothing, if anything; it was good he did that. It shows that he’s smart and that he will be a good addition to our group. He’s a fierce fighter with a proud leadership over his group. So, when he pinned us down-”

  Eyes start peering our way.

  “Stop licking his and their asses for five minutes. I see you being all buddy - buddy with them!” Callum tugs me toward the rear staffroom, and we possess privacy for a time. “Ed is mentally unstable!” Callum’s voice is but a drone.

  Eyes narrowed, a scowl forms on my face. “We’re all mentally unstable!”

  Callum says nothing in return; I appreciate that is all it took to shut him down.

  Taking the high ground; an opportunity arises to say what I feel I should have been said a long time ago. “Stop thinking in the interest of your family, it’s going to get you killed” Sharp, blunt, both, those words cut deep into his heart. Stammering under some kind of unforeseen revelation he hadn’t recognized until now, Callum gets his own rucksack into place while removing his hand from his gun-

  Removing his hand from his gun...

  What-

  “I’ll never let anything happen to my family-” He retorts, disregarding me as the bad guy now. Great, so now he is the victim. Some leadership there...

  “That’s good because we are all we have left. Beside the point, we all need to band together. Maya taught me that having faith in one another is the best bet we have to keep the humanity we still have left-” Darting forward, I seize his fist and lock it up high so it is in our view. My grip is fastened around his wrist; the same hand that went to his gun on instinct is flopped in the air.

  “It will keep us alive, and turning on each other isn’t going to do that!” Maybe that was a little too loud. I haven’t felt this pissed off in a while...

  “Sorry...” Apologising, my advocate for misery brother tells me, “I’m just paranoid-”

  Howling in laughter, I cover up the argument we were having to anyone that might’ve heard. “No, if anyone is paranoid around here, it’s me. You’re more the overprotective type!”

  Releasing his hand and shoving him back, I offer him a chance to walk out of here. Glaring, the simpering man takes the chance I granted him. As he leaves, I carefully discern him, from his posture to his movement, to how his fingers still border around that gun before being routinely pushed into his trouser pocket.

  Beaming, we return to the curious, confused reception full of people whose prying noses try to get up in our business. Our false wall of lies is difficult to maintain as I think it was too clear Callum and I had fought.

  We’re brothers; we can’t be fighting each other...

  “Let’s move!”

  At last, we move out.

  * * *

  Journeying west, our travels take us across several small ruinous towns, all discarded and extinct by human and monster alike. Though, a little detail to note is how immaculate few of them were.

  Eventually, night falls once more, and the group stop to rest. This time, there is no luck in locating any class of shelter. Choosing an open clearing off the side of the road into the forest, we set up camp; however, we don’t completely unpack either as we are set to get moving by sunrise. Rations are shared out, water is evenly spread, and lastly, a well-earned campfire is created. Everyone is relatively huddled together tonight, and no one leaves the small circle we have built.

  I suppose that makes me the odd one out then. Underneath the dazzling arrays of the beautiful starry night sky, I let my eyes admire whilst my feet act as a guide. Entranced by the space above us all, it takes me in and soothes my soul. L
ooking back, I see no gaps in the tight formation the group has made in the distance. The dancing flames of the fire are my only source of light, if I lose myself along the way, I can always spot my way back.

  It’s getting better, seeing everyone still talking and mixing with one another. I personally like the new group. Ed’s fun but mysterious. Maya is humble but encouraging. Chloe is quirky and maybe secretly hiding a stash of alcohol I am more or less positive she has. Alice is just, well, Alice. Yeah, that does sound like it is gonna be my conclusion of their group. It’s stupidly short, not that sweet, but enough to remember that they are all good people deep down.

  “JOEY”