Baz rolled his eyes. “Chill, I only gave you a half dose. That and the little blue pill to make sure you lasted more than a minute. Couldn’t have you embarrassing me.” He slapped my shoulder as if congratulating me for playing a good game of basketball. The smug look was gone again and he smiled.
Everything made sense now. The gaps in time between dancing with Eva, being in an Uber, then us at my dorm. My limbs and speech not cooperating when I tried to get her off of me. My erection refusing to go down despite me thinking of dead kittens and naked grandmas.
The world flashed red around me then I felt pain in my fist as it landed on his face over and over again.
Seconds later my shoulders were gripped tight and I was dragged away. I fought against whomever had a hold of me all the way out the door and to the sidewalk, so blinded by rage I couldn’t even tell who it was.
When I was finally released, I attempted to rush back in and finish the beating of my treacherous brother. Someone stopped me though, several someones.
“Calm down,” a vaguely familiar voice said as the person held my arm tight. Another person was on my other side.
I closed my eyes, using the ‘count to ten’ method to try to get my anger under control. I was at two-hundred-eighty-seven when my breathing slowed to normal and I was able to think clearly.
A glance to my left revealed Jay as one stopping force. On the right was Nico.
Nico spoke. “You good?”
Taking a shuddering breath, I nodded. My answer must not have been believable because neither released me.
It was Jay’s voice I heard next. “I know you wanna beat his ass, and he damn sure deserves it, but think clearly. Someone may have already called the cops, and he’s not worth the jail time.”
Mulling over his words, I came to the conclusion he was right. An arrest could cost me my scholarship, which would be tragic since I was a few months from graduating. And had they not stepped in, manslaughter may have been the charge because I wasn’t sure if I would’ve or could’ve stopped myself from bashing in his face. As much as I hated him, I didn’t want him dead, nor did I want something like that on my conscious for the rest of my life.
I was still reeling from his confession. In disbelief that my own brother would do something so…foul to his own blood. We’d never been best friends, barely got along growing up, but drugging me, setting me up to be…
Even after all this time I still couldn’t say the word. Still didn’t want to believe that something like that could happen to me. My only saving grace was that finally I knew it wasn’t something I’d done, unless you count trusting my own brother. I hadn’t over indulged in alcohol like I’d previously thought. But I now was a victim twice over. Of my brother, and of the woman he’d paid to take something away from me that I held sacred.
Some of the pressure on my arm was relieved then Jay released me fully. “You okay to drive?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know.” My blood pressure was still sky high and I was shaking, head swimming, pounding like a jackhammer.
“Alright. Why don’t you let one of your friends drive your car and you can ride with me back to the dorm?”
I nodded, reaching into my pocket for my keys. I glanced over at Nico then looked at Tobias. He looked a little shell shocked. “You been drinking?”
He shook his head in the negative.
I tossed him my keys then turn to follow Jay. I noticed Gabi for the first time standing near his truck, holding his coat. She also wore a look of shock.
I understood their disbelief. I was surprised at myself. I wasn’t a violent person. Had never been in a fight or lifted my fist to hit anything but a punching bag.
Jay brushed the accumulated snow from his sweat shirt and hair then took his things from Gabi and put them on.
I rode in the back, watching the snow-covered scenery pass by in a blur. Learning of Baz’s involvement had brought that night to the forefront of my mind. The night my thoughts had replayed again and again for months. The night I’d only realized recently that I’d barely thought of since a constant Sunshine had come into my life.
For the rest of the ride I thought of her. The bright yellow beacon that had chased away my cloudy days. I wondered where we’d be if that night never happened.
In the dorms we all sat around, silence hanging thickly in the air. Ten minutes in it was broken by Gabi. She stood from her spot at Jay’s desk and backed toward the door. “I’m gonna go down to the common room and talk to Cam.” She waved her phone as an indication then was out the door.
I remembered Cam as being the girl Gabi was constantly attached to at the hip. Hadn’t seen her around in a while.
I had a feeling Gabi had left to give us privacy, given the subject and being the only woman present. I was seated on my bed, and Jay on his. Nico was in my desk chair, and T on the floor.
Jay looked over at me. “I wasn’t trying to be all in your business, but…I heard what was said between you and your brother…what he did…” There was a long moment of silence. “I’m really sorry that happened to you.”
Not knowing how to respond, I only nodded.
A few more minutes passed before I finally summoned the courage to tell my story. I never thought I would, to anyone, but the three men sitting in this room, I trusted.
“It happened last year, a couple months before summer break…”
“Looks like someone’s ready,” she said, stroking my erection.
I stared at it, willing it to go down. It didn’t obey, and I couldn’t understand why. I didn’t want this. This isn’t what I wanted.
I pushed at her hands and tried to sit up. “Stop.”
I was back down a second later with her hand on my chest.
“Relax.” Her tongue snaked across my neck like earlier that night at the club, only this time it made my skin crawl.
I pushed at her waist, but it wasn’t doing much of anything. My limbs weren’t working correctly. Felt like lead was weighing them down.
My vision faded to darkness. When I came to she was still on top of me. Moving up and down, head thrown back. I looked down to where our bodies connected, and my stomach churned.
“Stop,” my voice came out in a rasp. “Please.”
My limbs were still weighed down, but I felt every second of what she was doing. Felt something familiar building in the base of my penis and I couldn’t make it stop…
When my retelling of that night came to an end, the room was once again deathly silent. Jay slowly shook his head, Nico bowed his, and T, to my surprise, had tears in his eyes.
No one said anything for a long time. I sat, staring at my split knuckles, wondering what they all were thinking. Their reactions weren’t what I’d spent all this time believing anyone’s would be if they knew my secret. Judgement, pity possibly, but mostly I’d expected to be made fun of. After all, men couldn’t be raped, not by women. That was the belief of society. That was my belief, until it happened.
Most sexual assault victims were depicted as women, and while that was most definitely the case, it happened to men much more often than we were thought to believe. In my research, after, I’d learned that over sixty percent of sexual assaults reported by men, were perpetrated by women. Problem was, it wasn’t often that reports were made.
I’d read stories of male victims shamed into silence for the same reasons I felt I had to be. How would I prove it? Who would even believe me? Men wanted sex. All the time. That was the narrative.
What was made worst was that many of our male counterparts fed into that narrative. Baz for example. He seemed proud of what he’d done. Like he’d seen nothing wrong with it. In his mind he’d simply paid Eva to have sex with me, which was wrong within itself, but he never considered that I wouldn’t want it. Or maybe he did and that’s why he’d drugged me. Either way, he further fed the stereotype of Black men and hypersexuality. Always questioning my masculinity because I saw sex as a spiritual connection between two people in love
. Not just some physical sensation gotten from anywhere. And not a means to an end.
“I was with Eva, too.”
My attention flew to Tobias. “What?”
He looked up at me, a frown etched on his face. “Not…like you, but…” He sighed, shaking his head, and looked at the floor. “Baz hooked me up with her. Said I needed to practice with someone who had experience. I didn’t really want to, but I went along with it. He said he was teaching me the ropes, how to be more confident, you know, sexually. If I’d known, that he…and that she…” His head dropped to his chest. “I’m sorry, Keem.”
I reached down and cupped his shoulder. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. The only thing you’re guilty of is the same as me, trusting our brother.”
T looked up at me. “You were right, about him being a bad influence. It’s not that I wasn’t aware of it. I had second thoughts about a lot of things. I guess I was just–”
“Trying to be like your older brother?”
He nodded, dropping his gaze again. “But I guess I chose the wrong one.”
I turned as Jay began to speak.
“This is just all fucked up.” He shook his head, looking at me an T both. “Your brother is a sociopath, you know that right?”
I only sighed, not wanting to give Baz’s mental stability any thought right now. I stood and looked down at T. “Let me have my keys.”
He frowned up at me. “Where you going?”
“I need to talk to Mom and Dad.”
He stood and fished the keys from his pocket.
Jay stood too, concern etched in his expression. “You sure you good?”
I had a feeling he really wanted to ask if I were going to finish beating Baz’s ass. “Yeah, I’m good.” I walked closer to him. “Hey…I know were not friends or anything, but thanks for looking out.”
He got a weird look on his face. “We’re not friends? That hurts man,” he tapped the left side of his chest with the front of his fist, smirking. “Right here.”
I shook my head, laughing.
He laughed too. “No need for thanks, man. I got your back.” He raised his hand in a request for me to slap it. I did, and he pulled me into a half hug. “I got your back, man.”
Somehow, I knew he meant that and in that instant everything I thought about Jayson Adams shifted. He was a good man.
Nico stayed behind and Tobias decided to head to his dorm. My mind was a merry-go-round on the way home. I thought of Baz, the revelation, the talk I’d be having with my parents, and Kirby. Despite everything, she was still at the forefront. She would always dominate my thoughts.
It was late when I got in, almost midnight, and the house was quiet. Savannah and Taylor were likely sleep and I could pretty much predict what activity my parents were engaged in; bingeing on their newest Netflix favorite, Stranger Things.
I knocked on their door and was told to come in. I did so with my head a little low then went to sit at the foot of their bed, turned enough so I could face them.
Both of their concerned gazes were trained on me. My father spoke. “What’s the matter?”
I took a deep breath then let everything pour out. I told them what happened between me and Baz tonight. What happened with Eva. And how royally I’d screwed up with Kirby.
They listened intently, but my mom’s tears weren’t missed by me or my father who took her hand. He stood and came to sit beside me. My mom did the same.
I felt comfort in my Dad’s arm around my shoulder. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
I shook my head, suddenly overcome with emotion. I closed my eyes as a few tears leaked free and sighed. “I was embarrassed. Something like that wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I felt…emasculated somehow.”
My mom wrapped a protective arm around me. “That’s the reason for your behavior over the summer.”
It wasn’t a question. She knew. She’d known all along that something had to be wrong for me to act so out of character.
I nodded, and she hugged me tighter. “I just wanted to feel like I had some control again. But being that way…it only made it worse.”
She stroked my back, rocking me. “Shhhh. You were in pain.”
I nodded against her shoulder, regret consuming me over the destructive choices I’d made. The pain I’d caused to myself and others. “I hurt her, Ma, badly.”
As she pulled back I expected to see disappointment on her face. All that was there was the loving gaze of a mother. “Do you love her?”
Again, I nodded. “So much.”
“Then get her back.”
“I don’t know how.”
My dad gave me an encouraging pat on the back. “You’re a Lovelace. You’ll figure it out.”
As both my parents hugged me I felt the weight of a thousand-pounds lift from my soul.
~ ♥ ~
I closed the door as silently as I could. Must not have been enough because after a couple seconds Jay’s lamp clicked on.
He squinted at me, face contorted from an interrupted sleep. Glancing over at Gabi’s sleeping form beside him, he sat up. “What time is it?”
I glanced at the clock. “6:24. Sorry to wake you.”
“It’s cool. How did things go with your folks?”
“Good.” I shrugged out of my coat and sat on my bed. “Really good.” I kicked off my boots as he stretched out his tall frame and yawned. “Hey…you think you could help me with something?”
He finished his stretch and leaned forward with his arms on his knees. “What’s up?”
I took a few minutes to explain what had happened with Kirby. “I remember what you went through with Gabi, how you got her back. I thought maybe you could give me some advice. I really need to fix this. Kirby is my heart.”
A slow grin spread over his face, and he stood. “Didn’t I tell you, I got your back? Come on, we have plans to make.”
“Now?” I glanced at the clock for emphasis.
“Valentine’s is two weeks away. Time is of the essence.” When I didn’t immediately move, he clapped his hands together, rather loudly. “Chop, chop.”
Gabi groaned, shifting around in bed. “Shut up.” The words came out in a groggy whine.
Jay looked over his shoulder at his fiancé. “Take your grumpy butt back to sleep.”
“I will, when you shut up.” She pulled the blanket over her head and only a few seconds passed before she was snoring softly.
Jay chuckled then crossed the room and grabbed my desk chair. He pulled it near my bed, sat, and leaned forward as if he was about to share a coveted secret. “So, here’s what you gotta do.”
Chapter Thirty - Four
~ Kirby ~
“I hate seeing you so sad.”
I glanced at the screen of my tablet that I had positioned against my bent knees. Noelle’s face was there, worry etched in her brows. “I can’t help it.” I was in bed with my back against the headboard. Hugged to my chest was the bear I’d intended to give Keem on Valentine’s.
“You miss him?”
I nodded, eyes and cheeks burning from the hot tears that had come and gone for days now. “But it hurts.”
Noelle’s face was somber. We’d talked about what I’d found out about Keem a few times. It was only with her I could have an actual conversation about it. Rai, Saige, and even Es were too busy calling him names and threatening to beat him up on my behalf.
“Does it count for anything that he didn’t go through with it?”
“I want it to, but I feel so betrayed. I thought he was good.” It wasn’t only betrayed I felt, but disappointed, in him, but mostly in myself. I’d put him on a pedestal. He was perfect in my eyes, unable to do anything to ever hurt me. But I was wrong.
“Who’s to say he isn’t?”
I lifted my gaze to her again and frowned. “But…”
“I agree what he did was messed up, but it doesn’t make him a bad person, it makes him a person who made a mistake. And I believe it should
count that he didn’t go through with it.”
“Only because he found out I was retarded.” I mumbled the explanation Baz had given for Keem changing his mind.
Noelle’s gaze hardened. “Stop that. You know as well as I do that Haikeem has never and would never think that about you.”
I dropped my eyes to the teddy. I did know that, I was just so upset with him. I kept trying to figure out when it was he’d made his decision not to go through with his plan. How long had we known one another? How much of our friendship, of our relationship, was pretend in an attempt to get me into his bed?
I toyed with the bear’s little bowtie, not looking at Noelle. “Why are you defending him anyway? I thought if he ever hurt me you were going to supply the murder weapon.”
She giggled. “That was just me being a big sister. Besides, I’ve seen the way he cares for you. That man loves you, Kirby, and I’m willing to bet my life that he regrets what he did.”
My mind flashed back to the last night Keem and I had spoken, the tears that were in his eyes as he admitted to Baz’s accusations. I thought of all of our good times. His smile. His laugh. His hugs. The way he always tried his best to understand me even when I barely understood myself. I replayed the memories of him holding me when I cried, encouraging me to follow my dreams, calming me through my panic and anxieties. All of that couldn’t have been pretend.
I knew Noelle was right. Keem wasn’t a bad person, he cared for me, loved me. But he’d also hurt me. I was having a hard time seeing past that right now even though not being in his arms made me ache.
“Can I call you back later? I need to think some more?”
“Of course, sweetie. I’ll call you in the morning. Good night, baby girl.”
“Night, Sissy.”
I ended the video chat and lay on my side with my eyes closed. His face was there. That lopsided smile that always turned me into a puddle. I missed him so much.
It had been a week since I’d seen him. Unless you count him showing up the morning after that night with flowers. Saige had snatched them away and stomped on them, promising to do the same to his scrotum if he came around again.
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