e
Page 15
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re: I’m gutting
Hi David. Terrific letter. I remember Pertti well from the CEO’s conference in Delhi and I, too, found him hard to shake off! I remember you as well from that shindig with great delight. Your presentation of the Bonio case history gave us all food for thought!
While I’m burning the midnight oil here I have a small favour to ask. I’ve been working the Asia/Pacific circuit for thirteen years now and feel I have achieved all I can. It is time for a switch back to Europe and I hear on the grapevine that there is a search for a new CEO in Bucharest. I’ve contacted Jim Weissmuller and though he promised to get back to me I guess he has been too busy with matters American. I know you have his ear, and I’d be forever indebted if you could make mention of me. I look forward to seeing you soon. Roll on Waikiki!
Mike Appleton
CEO, Miller Shanks Hong Kong
hans_vanderkok@millershanks-jo.co.za 1/10/00, 4:06pm (6:06pm local)
to: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: I’m gutting
There is a proverb on the veldt. “The lion roars, the hyena laughs but the crocodile hunts in silence.” I think this says everything.
Hansi van der Kok
Account Executive, Miller Shanks Johannesburg
daniel_vargas@millershanks-san.cl 1/10/00, 4:10pm (8:10am local)
to: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: I’m gutting
I am not one to beat my own trumpet, but as Head of Client Services I was most instrumental in winning the Carmella soda account, which is worth US$0.2 million. I think my experience in this competitive market can help you with your pitch. Naturally, I am so very busy with running the office here, but I will make time to assist should you so desire. If you have any questions, any questions at all, please do not hesitate to e-mail.
Daniel Vargas
Head of Client Services, Miller Shanks Chile
mohammed_fayed@millershanks-cai.com.eg 1/10/00, 4:12pm (6:12pm local)
to: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: I’m gutting
Is this a chain letter? How many friends and acquaintances do I forward it to and will I be accursed if I do not do as requested?
Mohammed Fayed
Art Director, Miller Shanks Cairo
P.S. I am not relating to the Fayed who own Harrods and make mischief with your Queen Majesty.
james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.com 1/10/00, 4:15pm (11:15am local)
to: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: I’m gutting
I am all for honest exchanges of views, and have no objection to your letter to Pertti. However, copying it to the entire network is unnecessarily cruel. It looks to me like you are showboating. I will not stand for my CEOs publicly upbraiding each other in an effort to score points. I am not impressed. In the future, leave matters of international diplomacy in the capable hands of your Harriet Greenbaum.
Jim
Pinki Fallon – 1/10/00, 4:33pm
to: Creative Department
cc:
re: you are so cool
I have just come out of a review of our Coke work with Harriet and David and they were blown away. It was a special experience and I wish you could all have been there to share it. Thank you, not just to those of you who did the work, but everyone else who gave support and created the atmosphere of positivity in which these ideas were made possible. I will visit each and every one of you to thank you personally . . .
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/10/00, 4:35pm
to: Pinki Fallon
cc:
re: Coke
STUPENDOUS!
David Crutton – 1/10/00, 4:38pm
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: e-mail
I’d write directly to IT but they’re so fucking inept, I suspect they don’t actually exist. Now my e-mails are going not only to Finland but to every single employee in the Miller Shanks network. If my memory of the last annual report serves, there are over 15,000 of them. And every one of the keyboard-happy bastards seems to have decided to write me a reply. I am making it your mission to sort this out NOW before I personally take a fucking sledgehammer to every computer in the building and issue one and all with parchment, quill pens and carrier pigeons.
Katie Philpott – 1/10/00, 4:40pm
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: hiya!!
How was your weekend? Mine was brill! I got really, really, really drunk at Planet Hollywood. Tequila slammers! Such a hoot! I was useless on Sunday. Anyway, are we still OK for tomorrow? I went to Selfridges on Sat and spent a fortune on a fab outfit. Can’t wait! Katie P
mike_appleton@millershanks-hk.co.hk 1/10/00, 4:42pm (12:42am local)
to: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: Bucharest
Did I mention in my e-mail that I’m learning Romanian? You could pass that on when you speak to Jim. Cheers, or, as they’d say in Bucharest, “partile mici pot fi inghitite sau inhalate!”
Mike
Rachel Stevenson – 1/10/00, 4:43pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: e-mail
I’ll get on it now and report back as soon as there is progress.
David Crutton – 1/10/00, 4:45pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: e-mail
I am about to walk out of my office. When I do, you will come in, sit at my PowerBook and trash every unread e-mail marked “re: I’m gutting.” You will find there are quite a few. Make sure this is done by the time I return.
brett_topowlski@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/10/00, 4:49pm (8:49pm local)
to: liam_okeefe@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: THE BIG SECRET
Just back from dinner and read your e. Here’s what Vin and me think you should do. Nothing. Yet. Look at it this way. You don’t want to make extra work for yourself. And if you want to throw maximum shit at the fan, the best time to do it would be Monday morning just before the pitch. That way it’s too late to do anything about it, they still have to present the campaign, and Horne will actually be back in the country to take the rap. Better still, Me and Vin will be there to enjoy it as well.
Down to four LOVE birds now. Mandi’s got sunstroke really bad. Even if she feels OK to get up for the shoot, she looks redder than a horse’s knob. Mel is on the phone sorting out a casting session tomorrow. The script would’ve worked with five but not four. We’re going to look for a couple of local birds to stand in. Dearie me, another morning staring at tits. Will it never stop? Horne still hasn’t left his room. He might be dead in there, his corpse bloated and rotting in the silk sheets. Do I even care? I do actually. He borrowed my copy of Performance Car on the flight and I want it back.
pinki_fallon@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/10/00, 5:02pm
to: simon_horne@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: Coke
We had a very successful review with David this afternoon, and while there’s still a lot to do, I think we’re well on the way. I’ve left all the work with Susi to fax over to you. Let me know what you think . . .
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/10/00, 5:05pm
to: Pinki Fallon
cc:
re: this takes the biscuit
Do you really think I’m going to spend half an hour on the fax machine sending this work to Mauritius? I thought I made it absolutely clear that I only work for Simon. You can come to my desk, take it all away and give it to Lorraine. It’s her damn job.
Pinki Fallon – 1/10/00, 5:10pm
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: this takes the biscuit
I’ve had just about enough of you. If you lifted your head from your magazine you’d notice that Simon isn’t here this
week. I haven’t seen you do anything today apart from make trouble for Lorraine and read Italian, French and American Vogue. Why don’t you actually do some work for once? I’m attempting to build an atmosphere of one-ness in the department. You are the only person not making an effort . . .
mike_appleton@millershanks-hk.co.hk 1/10/00, 5:12pm (1:12am local)
to: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: Bucharest
Another thing – my wife, Noreen, is one-eighth Hungarian on her mother’s side, so we feel a natural affinity for the region. It’s one of those tiny things that would ease our assimilation into Romanian life – provided Jim thinks me to be the man, of course!
Mike
Zoë Clarke – 1/10/00, 5:13pm
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: sneaky slut!!!!
God, this is awful!!! Don’t know how to tell you this so I think I’ll just come straight out with it. You know that new girl, Katie Philpott – the posh one in account management? She was up here showing off this new dress. Looked stupid – who’s wearing lilac these days, and those pleats still couldn’t hide her bum!!! But that’s not the point. She said she’d got it to wear to go clubbing with Liam!!!!!! I know you’ll be upset right now so meet me in the ladies’ on your floor and you can have a good cry. I’m here for you – Zxxx
Pinki Fallon – 1/10/00, 5:17pm
to: Peter Renquist
cc:
re: EMERGENCY!
I’m afraid there’s been a bit of a disaster. Someone accidentally spilt nail polish remover on Liam and quite a bit went on his Mac. I switched it off at the outlet straight away but it’s taken most of the letters off the keys. Can you replace it with a new one as soon as poss? We’ve got tons of work on and he can’t do without it. Ta mucho . . .
susi_judgedavis@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/10/00, 5:21pm
to: simon_horne@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: Pinki
I don’t know how much more of this I can take, Si. I’m drowning in work and Pinki has just asked me to fax pages and pages of Coke stuff to you. I explained as politely as I could that I only work for you and she hit the roof. She said some horrid things, not just about me but you as well. You know I hate it here and I only stay because of you. I don’t think I can last all week . . . Sx
Rachel Stevenson – 1/10/00, 5:27pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: e-mail
I have spoken to Peter Renquist and impressed upon him the seriousness of the situation. They have called in some heavyweight consultants. They will be here first thing in the morning and promise not to leave until the problem is fixed once and for all. It will necessitate e-mail being shut down for the duration.
David Crutton – 1/10/00, 5:30pm
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: e-mail
Whatever it takes.
Rachel Stevenson – 1/10/00, 5:34pm
to: All Departments
cc:
re: e-mail
Due to an ongoing software problem, e-mail will be shut down from 7:00am tomorrow. The repairs should be finished by the end of the day. IT apologises for the inconvenience. However, there is always the telephone. Alternatively, you could talk to each other face to face. That would be a nice change.
Rachel Stevenson
Personnel
harriet_greenbaum@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/10/00, 5:36pm
to: melinda_sheridan@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: Mako
Sorry to be getting back to you so late in the day, but Coke is taking over. You’re probably washing down your well-earned lobster with something chilled and sparkling right now. I’m just having the Mako timings typed and they’ll be faxed to you straight away. As far as the money is concerned, if we can bring in all three commercials for under 750k to the client, I think I could sell that. He’s notoriously tight but it’s about time I taught him that the adage “quality costs” applies just as much to advertising as it does to lunch. Every time I suggest a working meal he insists on le Gavroche.
Be good. And if you can’t be good, etcetera . . .
Rachel Stevenson – 1/10/00, 5:39pm
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: your resignation
Susi, if you are serious about resigning, I need to have it in writing. Doing it on voice-mail is not strictly acceptable. I have tried you at your desk but perhaps you have gone home. I have looked at your file and this is the 6th resignation you have tendered. Are you absolutely sure this time or is this another “cry for help”? Please come and see me in the morning when hopefully you will feel a little calmer.
simon_horne@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/10/00, 5:47pm (9:47pm local)
to: sus_judgedavis@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: GET IN TOUCH!
Where in heaven’s name are you? I have been calling you for over fifteen minutes.
If you think that the moment I am out of the office you can clock-watch, think again.
I cannot get involved in your battles with Pinki.
You must learn to stand up for yourself.
If I have taught you one thing it must be that.
Besides, I need to speak to Pinki on far more important matters.
I have just received the fax and this work is all over the place.
The moment you return to your desk find her, and have her call me.
liam_okeefe@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/10/00, 6:02pm
to: brett_topowlski@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: THE BIG SECRET
Sorry about the delay in replying but I’ve had a fucking ’mare. Bit embarrassing actually. Lol got the idea I was screwing Katie Philpott. I mean, as if – you seen her? Anyway, she came at me with a scorned woman’s weapon of choice, the nail polish remover. Ruined my Ted Baker, but the good news is she completely fucked my keyboard. So now I’m typing this on my brand new cerise iMac. It’s got some tip-top games on it as well. Lol ain’t speaking to me but reckon the offer of a full explanation over a min £60-a-head dinner might bring her round. Who says money can’t buy me love? Fucking Beatles – tossers.
Your plan on THE BIG SECRET is a good one, though I don’t know if I can keep my gob shut for a week. This is just too fucking good to keep schtum about.
E-mail is down tomorrow. Did you read the one Crutton accidentally copied to every Miller Shanks employee in the known universe? Tosser. The aftershock of his tantrum is still rattling the windows. Enjoy your fiesta of breasts tomorrow.
Liam O’Keefe – 1/10/00, 6:10pm
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: kiss, kiss
I know you’re still mad but would dinner make it better? I booked somewhere with 2 (two) Michelin stars.
Lorraine Pallister – 1/10/00, 6:13pm
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: kiss, kiss
See that big steel ruler on my desk? Go shove it up your arse and pray the bleeding doesn’t prove fatal.
Ken Perry – 1/10/00, 6:15pm
to: All Departments
cc:
re: staff communications
Because we will be managing without e-mail tomorrow, I have arranged for extra photocopy paper to be available for memoranda. It would make most sense if we could revert to the pre-e-mail practice of colour coding all memos.
For those of you too young or too new to remember, this was pink paper for urgent all-staff, light green for non-urgent all-staff, and light blue for restricted circulation.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Ken Perry
Office Administrator
melinda_sheridan@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/10/00, 6:42pm (10:42pm local)
to: harriet_greenbaum@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: Mako
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Lobster supper? I wish, my darling. I have spent my entire evening in the company of a club sandwich and a telephone, trying to sort out a casting call of local talent. Yes, we have lost another of our busty angels – this time to sunstroke despite repeated exhortations to keep her overpaid flesh in the shade. Anyway, it would appear that the bra size on this island stops at 34A. I am so at the end of my tether, I would seriously consider fishing my own tired bosoms from their cups if I thought it might help. After forty-five calls (I’ve been counting) I’ve rounded up nine girls. We will see them in the morning and I will go to bed praying that there are at least two whom the maestro Zapruder feels the camera will love.
It would be fine if this were my only problem. It isn’t. The crew arrives tomorrow and because Simon (who incidentally has not shown his face since we touched down) made me change the hotel booking so late in the day there’s been the inevitable cock up. Whichever way I turn my calculator, thirty-two people into thirteen rooms do not go. Now I must turn my attention to finding another hotel for the overflow.
But do you want to hear all this? Of course not. 750k sounds quite adequate for our needs on Mako – enough, for once, for full agency mark-up and a bit left over for lunch. I’ve looked at your timings and it’s a bit tight. But a little magic from Melinda and we should squeeze it all in. I’ll look forward to shooting those with you if I ever get out of here. Oh, well, onwards and downwards.
simon_horne@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/10/00, 7:02pm (11:02pm local)
to: susi_judgedavis@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: I NEED YOU!
I despair of ever hearing from you again.
Have you any idea at all how isolated I feel out here?
simon_horne@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/10/00, 8:33pm (12:33am local)
to: pinki_fallon@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
harriet_greenbaum@millershanks-london.co.uk
re: Coke
I have taken some time out from preparations for the shoot to review the work you sent me, Pinki.
I would have preferred to speak to you on the phone.
It appears, however, that you left early. I did not realise that running my department would require so little of your time.