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Page 24
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re: meet your new boss
Pinki resigned. Crutton called me up for what I’d have bet both your bikes on being my firing, but he put me in charge. Well, not as such – he said that as the most senior remaining member of the Creative Department, would I be prepared to present Coke on Monday. I thought about the stolen work, the ruthless exploitation of defenceless students and the point of principle that had driven my partner to make the ultimate sacrifice.
Then I said yes.
Look, I know Pinki’s done the decent thing, shown rare integrity, noble, heroic, blah, blah, blah . . . but there’s glory, pay rises and free lunches to be had. And as “the most senior remaining member of the Creative Department,” maybe I can get Vin’s job back – at least until the next fucker they make creative director sweeps in with his new broom (they all have new brooms) and fires his arse.
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 12:10pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Coke
Unsurprisingly, Saint Pinki of Glastonbury has resigned. So be it. I hope that you won’t be infected by her outbreak of ethic-itis and will show the required resolve to see the job through. 99% of the pitch work is done, so it’s down to dotting the i’s. Do you think the hooligan Liam is capable of sprucing himself up to present on Monday?
In the longer term we need to search for a new creative director. Simon is beyond redemption and while I entertained mild hopes of Pinki replacing him she is clearly out of the frame. You are something of a creative groupie. Any ideas?
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/14/00, 12:23pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Coke
You know my feelings on this. I empathise with Pinki, but my resignation at this point would be irresponsible. You are the CEO, and it is incumbent on me to abide by your decisions.
As for a new CD, I do have some ideas, and there is one name in particular I’d like to canvass. Perhaps when the dust has settled next week we can have a chat.
harriet_greenbaum@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/14/00, 12:33pm
to: james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.com
cc:
re: concerns
Jim, I apologise for bothering you first thing in your day, but I have some serious worries that I need to share with you. I would appreciate your advice on how we should handle it. A crisis has developed on Coca-Cola, and in his understandable eagerness to win the pitch I believe that David has made the wrong call.
This morning we discovered that the campaign we showed you a couple of days ago is not an original concept. Pinki was informed that Simon Horne had seen it as a 7UP idea in a student portfolio and had adapted it for our purposes. It is David’s opinion, given that it is undeniably a good idea, and given the lateness of the hour, we should present anyway. Unfortunately this decision has led to Pinki’s resignation.
While I would not do anything so precipitate, I do think David is mistaken. Besides principle, I believe that common sense should prevent us from taking this course. Assume we win the pitch with “IT’S IN THE CAN” and run it as a campaign. The evidence of our theft will be there for all to see, not least the two girls who originated the idea. The plot is further complicated by the fact that they now have a job at TBWA, who, as you know, are competing against us for Coke. I have put this argument to David but he remains intransigent.
We have little time to come up with a viable alternative. But even if we have to make a late withdrawal rather than risk exposure, to my mind that would be a preferable option.
I have thought long and hard before writing to you with this. I have no desire at all to land David in trouble. As I said, he has only the best interests of Miller Shanks at heart, but I believe that his admirable zeal has clouded his judgement.
I await your view, and will follow whatever course you recommend.
Harriet
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 12:39pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Coke
Thank you for sticking with it, however reluctantly. Loyalty, you will find, pays dividends. Why don’t we have lunch? We can talk about Barry Clement. It is him isn’t it? Ironically Simon was only my second choice for the creative director’s job. Guess who my first preference was.
Lorraine Pallister – 1/14/00, 12:42pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: lunch
Susi’s on Paracetemol and Prozac, and Liam’s on a power trip. See you in ten in reception and I’ll tell you about it.
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/14/00, 12:44pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Coke
I’d love to have lunch but I have to wait for some important news. Incidentally, your intelligence is good.
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 12:49pm
to: Zoë Clarke
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re: lunch
I appear to be at a loose end. I suppose I could take you for lunch as a welcome to my outer office. Get your coat on.
Zoë Clarke – 1/14/00, 12:51pm
to: David Crutton
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re: lunch
I can’t, I’ve got plans. Sorry! How about Monday?
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 12:54pm
to: Zoë Clarke
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re: lunch
What?
susi_judgedavis@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/14/00, 12:58pm
to: simon_horne@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: your homecoming
I’m trying to make everything perfectly lovely for your return (can’t wait, darling!) and I thought I’d pop out to Liberty for some new silk flowers. I know we only got the lilies a couple of months ago, but they’re awfully dusty. I thought I’d look for a sort of autumn bouquet, but would you rather soft pinks and yellows? Also, I’m restocking the fridge. Would you prefer Charles Heidseck or Mumm Cordon Rouge – the kitchen has both?
Love you/miss you . . . Sx
james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.com 1/14/00, 1:15pm (8:15am local)
to: harriet_greenbaum@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: concerns
You are quite right to share your concerns. David can be an obstinate so and so. I will deal with this from here. And thank you for the information. Your loyalty to the greater good of Miller Shanks will not be forgotten.
Jim
james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.com 1/14/00, 1:34pm (8:34am local)
to: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: Coke
David, a matter has been brought to my attention that troubles me enormously. I understand that “IT’S IN THE CAN” is second-hand goods. I also understand that despite knowing this, you intend to present it regardless.
This is not acceptable. It is shabby, dishonest and un-American. As CEO you surely know that when they set up shop in 1929 with just $50 and the Crabtree Cookies account, the founding principle of Donald K. Miller and Cyrus Shanks was “To sell through integrity.” It has served us well these past seventy years, and your action is a scurrilous betrayal of our forebears.
It hurts me more than you could know to think that you are prepared to implicate Miller Shanks in the crime of handling stolen property.
You will now do the right thing. If you are in any doubt as to what this might be, I will lay it out for you.
Kill “IT’S IN THE CAN” – no ifs, no buts.
Make immediate contact with Pertti van Helden. Beg, grovel, do whatever you have to do to get him and his campaign in London by Monday. As I said all along, his is excellent work. It recalls the heyday of great Coke advertising. I can only think that your negativity toward it was a result of envy.
And I recommend also that you use all your powers of persuasion to make Pinki Fallon retract her resignation. Given your own lamentable lack of integrity, you need hers very badly.
I do n
ot need to tell you how disappointed I am.
Jim
david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/14/00, 1:44pm
to: james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.com
cc:
re: Coke
Jim, you read my mind. Naturally, as soon as I uncovered Simon Horne’s despicable deception I knew straight away that we must purge ourselves of him and his work. The only reason for my delay was that I wished to test the ethical standards of my staff. I am afraid that Pinki Fallon is the only one who emerged with any credit.
And while you know I do not share your enthusiasm for “Fizzy Pop,” I am already on the case with Pertti. I will keep you fully informed of developments.
David
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 1:52pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: fucking disaster
A fucking rat has told Weissmuller about Simon’s theft. I can only presume it was Pinki’s warped idea of a leaving present. He is demanding we fly in van Helden. This is about as bad as things can get. No, it could be worse – he could bring Aqua with him. See me.
david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/14/00, 2:13pm
to: pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fi
cc:
re: Coca-Cola
Long time, no hear, Pertti! I may have been a little brusque with you the other day. My humble apologies. My only excuse is that I have been under heavy pressure with the upcoming Coke pitch.
Speaking of which, I have been thinking deeply about our creative approach. I have come to the conclusion that the radical route that we developed in London is perhaps a little too “cutting edge” for a company as conservative as Coke. My team and I took a second look at your campaign. As Harriet Greenbaum wrote in her e-mail to you, we were always greatly impressed by the Aqua campaign – we love the refreshing absence of irony and the childish sense of fun.
We are now of the opinion that your excellent creative work is precisely what we need to win this huge piece of business. It recalls the heyday of great Coke advertising and taps into the emotions evinced by “I’d like to teach the world to sing.” I don’t need to tell a gifted adman such as yourself that nostalgia is perhaps the most powerful weapon in our armoury.
I am hugely sorry to put you to this trouble so late in the day, but I would very much like you to join our team for the presentation on Monday. I appreciate that it is far too eleventh hour to mobilise Aqua to attend. However, if we could have yourself and the work, I am sure we can put on a show that will have the ladies and gentlemen from Atlanta dancing in the aisles! I have informed Jim Weissmuller of my decision and he is looking forward immensely to seeing you.
My PA is looking into flights now. Please let me know as soon as possible how this last-minute request sits with your own schedule.
Yours sincerely,
David Crutton
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 2:15pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: a job for you
I have just written to van Helden. Now I want to be sick. I think I am incapable of eating a second slice of humble pie and crawling past Pinki’s sphincter. Please do it for me. Anyway, she is far more likely to listen to you.
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 2:19pm
to: Zoë Clarke
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re: you
Where the hell are you? I need you to look into flight availability, Helsinki/London. And I need something to eat. Get me a sandwich. Any sandwich.
susi_judgedavis@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/14/00, 2:26pm
to: simon_horne@millershanks-london.co.uk
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re: your homecoming
I got some divinely gorgeous silk roses – pinks, violets and fiery yellows – and I found something else you’ll love: aromatherapy cushions for your sofas! I bought three. They’re called “Inspire,” “Revive” and “Sensuous” and they were only £49.99 each. The lady in Aroma Amour said they really help the creative mind find its balance! Hope you don’t mind but I moved the furniture round a bit. I put the sofas in an “L” under the windows and your desk facing the door. I think it will make you look much more forceful and commanding when people walk in. Write soon – can’t wait for Monday!! Sx
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/14/00, 2:33pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Pinki
I have spoken to her and she was moved by your change of heart. She’s on her way in to help in whatever way she can with the pitch. I’m sure it wasn’t her who told Jim by the way – she hasn’t a political bone in her body.
I’ve blocked out most of the afternoon to adapt the pitch document to the Finnish campaign but if you need any help to smooth Pertti’s passage over, give me a shout.
pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fi 1/14/00, 2:57pm (4:57pm local)
to: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: Coca-Cola
My dear David,
All apologisings accepted. As fellow Chief I am familiarised with the gale force pressures at the top. Jim is also phoning to beg me to be at your disposing. I am only too happy to be placing myself in your service and be “pitching in”! I was making an earmark this weekend to teach my oldest boy the pleasure of the ice fishing, but not to matter. He is understanding since a small age that for the Warrior of Advertising, the battle is always coming first.
You are in good luck that the storyboards are already completing and we are ready to rock ’n’ roll. And the excellent news is that as soon as I am reading your message I get onto the phone like quick lightning to the manager of Aqua. Can you believe that they are free and are very delighted to join our merry band? I am now confessing that I was foreseeing this outcoming so I am maintaining them on standby the whole week. Do not be worrying about booking tickets. This we are doing at our end of things. I am arriving in Gatwick International Airport on tomorrow at 1:00. Aqua are flying in their own pop-star executive plane charter on Sunday.
There is much to be discussing and planning but perhaps you are joining me for dinner tomorrow and we can chew the fats.
Tora, tora, tora!
Pertti
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 3:01pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: it just got worse . . .
. . . he’s bringing Aqua.
james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.com 1/14/00, 3:12pm (10:12am local)
to: harriet_greenbaum@millershanks-london.co.uk
david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: arrival
In light of today’s events I have changed my travel plans. Rick Korning and I will fly in tomorrow morning at 8:30am. We will travel directly to the office, but would you let the Marriott know of our earlier arrival. David, I know that Rick is keen to take you through the two-year growth plan tomorrow evening. If Pertti has arrived it would be useful if he joined you. Harriet, if you are free, perhaps you could join me for dinner.
I look forward to seeing you both,
Jim
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 3:17pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: dinner
Am I missing something here?
david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/14/00, 3:22pm
to: james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.com
cc:
re: arrival
We’re delighted that you’re arriving sooner rather than later. Harriet would love to join you in the evening. Her inexperience can only be diminished by sitting at the feet of the Gods! It will also give her an opportunity to take you through my own Five-Point New Business Strategy. Until then, best wishes.
David
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 3:26pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: job
Look in the new business files for a document called “Five-Point Strategy, ’95.” I
think it has Westbrooke’s name on the cover. Bring it straight in. Don’t make plans for this evening – once I have amended it, you have some typing to do.
Pinki Fallon – 1/14/00, 3:35pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: I’m back
Just got in. Anything I can do on Coke? . . .
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/14/00, 3:44pm
to: Pinki Fallon
cc:
re: I’m back
Thank heaven for that. Come and see me with Liam. The Finnish campaign is diabolical. It’s also TV only – perhaps the pair of you can lend it some credibility with a few posters.
liam_okeefe@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/14/00, 4:12pm
to: brett_topowlski@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: Carry On Advertising
You will not believe the pure fucking farce that is playing out. Someone told Tarzan F. Weissmuller that we were presenting hot work and he turned moral majority. So Crutton’s canned “IT’S IN THE CAN” and we’re going with a piece of tosh they came up with in Finland. I was in Harriet’s gaff just now having a look at a fax of the storyboards and it’s ten times worse than embarrassing. It has sunshine, dazzling smiles and teenagers that make the Brady Bunch look like psycho crackheads. And, get this, it has Aqua. I needn’t say another word. Harriet asked us to do some posters for it to, you know, give it an edge. Where the fuck do we begin?
Pinki’s back. Apparently Tarzan F. made Crutton persuade her to return. She floated in on a perfect cloud of righteousness. That changed the moment she clapped eyes on the Scanda-bollocks. She’s sitting at her desk now with her pen frozen over her pad – totally lost, poor cow.
If we win this pitch, I swear on the life of my mother that I will hang up my Magic Markers and get a McJob.
melinda_sheridan@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/14/00, 4:22pm (8:22pm local)
to: harriet_greenbaum@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: LOVE update
We have had a day that can only be done justice in the poetic words of Vincent – “bollock-bloating brilliant, pet.”
It started like all the others – appallingly. Having mislaid four LOVE girls we took carelessness to new heights by losing the last two. Sharon and Winona (Rides, would you credit?) succumbed to vicious attacks of botulism. I’ve lost count of the times I told them to steer clear of anything that looked as if it crawled along the seabed. As we gathered at breakfast a yardstick would have been too short to measure the long faces. But Brett and Vincent did me proud. After a couple of bacon rolls they sprang into action and plucked a new script from the ether. Let me describe it because it is their finest yet.