Urban Diaries

by Jackson, Sexcee

  Inspiration: Jay Z - "N.Y.M.P" from the album Volume 3 Life & Times of S. Carter

  "I'm from where you don't crack, the weak don't live /

  You gotta bounce back homie, the streets don't give."

  Random Thoughts:

  I don't know how I made it through today without completely loosing my mind. They say that when you're from the streets, you develop immunity to all things negative. Well, I'm from Watts and it doesn't get more “street” than that. In fact, I've never even been outside California state lines. The ghetto, the hood the streets are all I know. So why haven't I developed this immunity? Why? I'll tell you why. Today was a test. I know today I was tested to see if I would either become "weak "and "crack" or realize the streets don't "give" and just simply "bounce" back.

  Emotional Thoughts:

  Alex asked me to meet him at LAX this morning and had I known his parents were going to be there, I would have never showed up. I love Alex but his parents are way too much for me to handle. When I got to the American Airlines gate that he was to leave from, Ernesto Amesquez stared at me intently and with a smirk on his face that grabbed my insides and twisted them. He said, "Jesuchristo. Aqui tambien? Esta es familia. Solamente. Ella es no familia, Alejandro." (Jesus Christ. Here too? This is family. Only. She is not family, Alejandro)

  He thought I didn't understand him but I knew perfectly well that he didn't want me there because I was not family. I tried hard to ignore him and that must have exasperated him because he became louder and louder. Alex tried to comfort me but suddenly his mother jumped in front of me and spit in my face, screaming, "Pinche puta!" (Fucking Bitch) over and over again with tears and frustration in her voice. I knew they hated me, but today, things were way out of control.

  Alex walked me to the women's restroom to get cleaned up and I tried hard to fight back tears, the fury, the confusion and the hatred I was suddenly overcome with. The weak don't live. Then Alex told me why they were so upset. My Busy Body mama had finally succeeded with her little plan. Early this morning, the Amesquez Market had been closed down by the health department and slapped with a $7,500 fine needed to reopen. Alex admitted they didn't have the money to reopen, but his father always had a plan. He said he was sure they would manage. We kissed good-bye, right there in front of the bathroom, as I did not want to lay eyes on his angry parents. He promised to call once his flight lands. I can't wait to talk to him. I miss him already.

  Final Thoughts:

  I don't know if I passed the test or not, because I cried the whole drive home. When I got home, I was surprised that my mama didn't even mention the closing of the market. I was so sure that she would be there gloating and bragging about how successful her efforts were. I decided not to mention it to her either even though I had a burning desire to blaze her thoroughly with the sentiments of my anger. How could she do this to me? Why can't she just be happy for me? What parent doesn't want their children to have better than what they had? She of all people knows what this is like! That’s what so confusing for me. Or maybe she’s forgotten that my daddy is white? Shit, I can’t forget. Every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of him, my skin color, my curly hair, even my ski slope nose. "Pinche Puta!" That's what Alex's mom called me today. Maybe the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

  Sunday, September 09, 2001

  Inspiration: Jill Scott - "Love Rain" from the album Who Is Jill Scott?

  "The rain was falling and I could not see that I was to be plowed/ And sown and fertilized and left to drown /

  In his sunny afternoon Cumulus Clouds, 84 degrees, melody

  Love rain down on me, on me, down on me"

  Random Thoughts:

  Could it be possible to be in love and not realize what actually constitutes that love until you are separated from each other? Yes. But could it also be possible to love someone so much that even when if you are separated by thousands of miles you could still feel his soft kisses on your neck, or his strong hands stroking your hair softly? Could I be sown and fertilized deep with Alejandro's essence? Yes! Yes! Yes!

  Emotional Thoughts:

  Alex called me today and described Boston to me and I can't wait to leave this rat hole. I wish that I could get on the next available flight and just go meet him there. He says the crisp clean air is refreshing and the garden downtown is absolutely beautiful. He says he loves the quiet and the friendliness of Tia Flora's neighbors. He says he thinks we could have a real chance at being happy there.

  I love Alex so much and I thought about him all day long today. I've been in such a good mood today, only because I promised him I wouldn't let anything destroy my groove and I never break promises to my sweetie.

  Final Thoughts:

  Wouldn't it be wonderful if every time it rained, the raindrops were filled with love, and as people are out in the rain getting wet, the raindrops penetrate the human skin and flows down deep within their souls? Wishful thinking, I know. But that's how I feel about Alex. I feel like we are meant for each other, like we have raindrops filled with love that were meant only for us. Well, as long as the raindrops are made of Alex's love for me, and mine for him, it could rain everyday and I would never carry an umbrella.

  "Love rain down on me, on me, down on me!"

  Tuesday, September 11, 2001

  Inspiration:

  Random Thoughts:

  Emotional Thoughts:

  Final Thoughts:

  Wednesday, September 12, 2001

  Inspiration: Malcolm X

  "I am not a racist. I am against every form of racism and segregation, every form of discrimination. I believe in human beings, and that all human beings should be respected as such, regardless of their color."

  Random Thoughts:

  Today things happened that I only dreamed about…

  Emotional Thoughts:

  I couldn't bring myself to write yesterday. I watched Alex die over and over and over. I couldn't believe that he… it was his plane… Flight 11, the one that crashed into the North Tower. I watched TV all day yesterday just hoping that they had made a mistake, wishing that Alex would call me, send me a text or an AIM, praying that this was not happening…

  This morning I went down to the Amesquez storefront. I lit a candle and said a silent prayer for my lost love, Alejandro Raul Amesquez. Celia no longer seemed to care what her parents thought about me and joined me shortly. They were standing near as she came to me with tears streaming down her face. We embraced and I held her hand and bowed my head as she prayed in Spanish. Mrs. Amesquez came to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. "Lo siento." (I'm sorry.) was all she said. It’s almost funny thinking back. As I looked up at her, all of the anger, the hatred, and the bitterness that took over her small frame the other day when she spit in my face, were nonexistent, almost as if it never happened.

  Meanwhile, my mama was over in the corner having a conversation with Mr. Amesquez. I heard him say, "Tengo no mas. I have nothing. No tienda, no hijo." (I have no more. I have nothing. No store, no son.) My mama went over to him and grabbed his hand as he wept uncontrollably. Even Ty and Sergio were being amicable towards each other. I don't know what they talked about, but at least it's a start.

  Final Thoughts:

  Isn't it amazing? All of the bickering, the nonsense, the disrespect, and the violence that has been going on around here and nothing compares to what happened to those who lost their lives yesterday. Here we are the Kenners and the Amesquez Families having a family feud over what? Race? For the past seven days, I've been trying to figure out why these things were happening to me. Maybe God wanted us to see that there is this cancerous racism out there that is a thousand times more significant than the question of whether or not Alex and Zhanae really love each other. Maybe He wanted us to understand that we are all Americans, human beings, regardless of our ancestral backgrounds and we need to respect each other regardless. Then again, maybe God has plans to use Alex's loving soul to fill raindrops with and carry out my wishfu
l thinking of raindrops of love falling all over the world. I don't know.

  Author's note:

  Three days after September 11th, September 14, 2001, it rained in New York.

  CHAPTER 24 – CONTRADICTION

  Contradiction

  I’m a walking contradiction

  Still waters run deep

  A creature of many dimensions

  From my head to my feet

  The body of an Amazon

  The fragility of a pixie

  A panther in the bedroom

  Can make a man whistle Dixie.

  The mouth of a sailor

  With kisses light as a feather

  Skin as soft as a baby’s bottom

  But also tough as leather.

  A Victoria Secret thong

  With red chucks and fat laces

  A furry Kangol hat

  Leaving behind lipstick traces.

  The courage of a soldier

  The gentleness of a dove

  Eyes filled with fire

  And a heart filled with love.

  With a smile that can light up a room

  And a darkness in my soul

  I can be sweet, soft and sensual

  Or evil, hard, and bold

  Ice water in my veins

  And fire in my loins

  With balls of indestructible steal

  In my very female groin

  A stallion tall and strong

  Always prepared for the mount

  With muscles in my arms and legs

  But soft where it counts

  With the IQ of a genius

  The champ in a battle of wits

  Or the simplicity of a blond

  Gettin’ over with ass and tits

  A wizard in the kitchen

  And a gangsta in the streets

  A housewife or down ass bitch

  Just tell me what you need

  A warrior with no conscience

  Putting niggas and bitches in check

  The aura of a goddess

  A princess commanding respect

  A sex slave or dominatrix

  The truth or a work of fiction

  The heart and soul of a chameleon

  I’m a walking contradiction.

  CHAPTER 25 – WEEKEND LEARNING WITH SISTAH

  Weekend Learning with Sistah

  Hey yall, what’s crackin? So I guess you will be hanging with me all weekend so you can see my get down. I’m Sistah and yes, that’s my real name, S-I-S-T-A-H. My mother had six boys and by the time she finally had me, her 1st girl, she was tired, tired of life. She died right there on the table after shitting me out. When my oldest brother was asked to do all the paperwork before taking me home from the hospital, he didn’t know what to name me, so he just put “Sistah”. I was told that he was going to let me change it to whatever I wanted when I got old enough, but his dumb ass done got smoked in a shoot-out with the Mexicans…shit, that’s a whole nother story. We not gon get into that cause yall here to LEARN from the best!

  That’s right bitches! I’m the best HO on the WEST SIDE of this muthafucka and you betta ask somebody if you haven’t heard about how good this pussy is! So this weekend, don’t say shit. Just watch and learn as I take you with me through these streets and show yall broke bitches how to get dough, keep dough, and plot for more dough.

  Right now, I’m bout to get dressed and go see what’s poppin on the Boulevard. It’s Friday night, it’s late, and it’s a shit load of money to be made. You will see that most of these stupid Hood Scrapes out here sellin they ass and then givin all their coins to dat grimy, ass, nigga Buss-A-Ho. Naw, Sistah don’t do no pimps. Shit, I got five brothers; I don’t need to pay nobody for protection. And, unless that nigga is gonna give up his ass and share sucking some of these dicks, then we ain’t gon divi up shit! I’m the one out here, setting up my own dates, giving up my pussy and time, gumming down dick after dick and unless a nigga can help me with THAT, I can’t give up shit, especially my money. Got me fucked up! Any whos and hos, let’s roll cause I see you eyeballing my outfit like you WISH you could walk around with a body like this with your shit hanging out like me. NEVER wit yo L-7 ass! Just kidding, come on girl! Oh, before I forget, grab that white purse off the couch. You never know when we might need it.

  Ok, first things 1st. On Friday nights, I always drive my own car to the stroll, but I park around the corner two blocks away. If One-Time come rolling through here, or if I catch a bad trick and need to make a clean get away, I just feel more secure knowing that my car is near and I can shake the spot immediately if I have to. Do my make-up look all right? Aww shit, why am I asking you? Yo Plain Jane ass don’t even wear make-up! You could use some though, Bobbi Brown, Warm Walnut 7.5 is the TRUE BIZ!

  You see those hos standing over there in that crowd looking like a bunch of dumb fucks? They some “New School” bitches. Every trick they get, they do together and split the money. Now you tell me why would I share sucking a dick with any one of these Swamp Donkeys? Does that make sense to you when we all out here hoing? STUPID! Now see those chicks walking up Long Beach Boulevard? They have the right idea! If you’re walking, you’re moving and on your way somewhere if the cops ask and not just standing around like a sitting duck waiting on them to scoop yo ass up in one of them sweeps. So let’s walk down here. You see that white Buick Regal parked in front of that old Cadillac? That’s my Friday Night Bestie!

  For the last 7 years, I start every Friday night off with him. His name is Trent but I calls him “Cash” cause it don’t matter how broke I am during the week, every Friday night at approx 11:45pm, I got “CASH”! He gives me $100 to suck his dick and jack him off and another $100 just to let him suck my tits or talk about his day, depends on how he’s feeling. Easiest $200 EVER MADE! Come on girl, just get in, sit in the back seat, shut up and learn.

  “Hey, Cash!”

  “My Sistah! Who’s your friend? I thought you didn’t get down with other chicks like that?

  “She’s another one of my babies who I’m taking under my wing…you know…show her the ropes.”

  “Oh. Ok. So uh, dough’s on da dash. How was your week baby?”

  “Thanks. It was good. Staying outta trouble. How’s the wife?”

  “The same.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. Let me take your mind off that. Unzip and relax”

  Did you see that shit? Girl, that’s how you WORK’EM! Now I sucked the tip of his dick and listened to him go on and on about his sick wife and made half of my car note! That’s how a REAL ho gets down. Now let’s go walk across the street and wait for one of these rapping ass niggas. You got a smoke? Aww shit, you actually smoke? Maybe there’s hope for you after all, shugah! Ok, you see that Black Ford F-150? About 3 or 4 dudes are gonna jump out looking for pussy. I’ve been watching them every week for the last 2 months. They belong to some kinda gangsta rap group called, “Black Heat”, you ever heard of them? No? Well dey well known here in Compton and in LA and it’s a known fact that they papered up and I’ve been peepin their whole steelo from a distance. See the driver? Dey call his fat ass “Glock” cause he carries a Glock 34 with a GTL 22 attachment, wit a dimmable xenon white light and a red laser. Stop looking at me like dat! One of my brothers used to own a gun shop and I worked there in the summer. So, a bitch got attached and shit. I fuckin’ love guns, what else can I say?

  Any whos and hos, he likes to get his little shrivled up dick sucked and he only pays if he cums in your mouth. The nigga wit the shades on jumpin’ out the back of the truck is “Dirty Magnum” and not because of his dick size, but cause like Dirty Harry, he carries .44 Magnum and he’s real swift wit dat muthafucka too. He’s a weird one though; he likes to cum and take a shit at the same time and pays double if you can make that happen. Now that nigga getting out the passenger side, dat’s who I got my eye on. They call him Pee-Dee Dub, short for PDW, or personal defense weapon cause like a crazy ass German policeman, his ass carries an HK MP7 and
will LIGHT DAT ASS UP!

  Pee-Dee Dub, un-huh. Word on the set is that he’s a pussy fiend. All he wants to do is fuck, missionary. Sounds too easy huh? I know! Dat’s what I said! The catch is that nigga say he ain’t came in 2 years, not since his baby mama was smoked in a drive–by on Rosecrans. He’s been tryna fuck through his pain, but he only pays $100, not a dollar more or a dollar less. Actually, that ain’t bad for a shot of pussy, but his excuse for not paying more is nobody can make him cum. Fuck that! Watch Sistah and learn!

  “Hey, Pee-Dee Dub! A lil birdie told me that you pay well if a Sistah can make you drain the ole lizard.”

  “You heard right, Ma. You think you can?”

  “Shit, nigga I know I can! I bet you $500 I can!”

  “Oh, yous a confident ass bitch, huh?”

  “Nigga you see this gwop? I don’t be bullshittin!”